On to Something New:Fatty Ponders

Just Wait 'Til He Joins the Fraternity
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

In our quaint armpit of the world, we have had a sudden outbreak of male flashers. Not here in the little village where I pay my lawn and mow my taxes, but in the big ol so-fist-er-kated and thriving met-rop-ee-lis just down the road.

Maybe it's because of the late July heat. Maybe it's because they done finished that sixth Harry Potter book already and just don't know how they're gonna wait two years for the final installment. Maybe it's because they're frustrated over the news that Brad was emotionally unfaithful to Jen. I have no clue why, but men down here have decided to just go ahead and drop their pants.

Both of these things happened last week:

1. A man was arrested for going on a peety-peeking spree and exposing himself to something like a dozen women and one Krispy Kreme donut store clerk.

2. Another guy was arrested for first, trying to run down another guy that he knew with his vehicle...second, then jumping out of the car and exposing himself...and third, then trying to beat the other guy up.

Now, I'd like to especially ponder over the second guy. What the hell was he thinking? "Hey, I better not run him over cause then that'd be murder but you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gone jump out of this truck and show ol Freddie my business and then I'm gonna whoop his ass!" Now, who thinks like that? Is is really so smart to get in a fist fight with your johnson in the wind? Wouldn't that be just like a big ol tag hanging out with an announcement saying "Yank me real hard and you'll win the fight!" And why would he want to show the other guy his tiny totum anyway? Apparently they were aquaintances from way back and had been arguing. Wouldn't the other guy have been likely to already have seen his willie in the restroom or in the shower at the gym? WHAT WAS THE POINT? "Look at me! I've got a monster in my pants and now I'm gonna go postal on ya!" I just don't get it. If I were going to get in a cat fight with a fat woman in a tight t-shirt that said "Hottie" on the front in glitter writing, I would NOT first yell "take a look at these chi-chi's baby!" nor would I expect that flashing my slightly off-center Brazillian landing strip would in any way intimidate my opponent...

Now back to the topic of flashing in general. Why is it that men are always the flashers? Does it go back to Freud? Do men think that women really just want to get a good look at what having one of them hoses is all about? What goes through their heads as they prepare to flash and run? "I think I'll show 'em how it hangs and then they'll scream like granny on a roller coaster!"? Do they then go home and fantasize about all the mayhem that they and their little mini-me's just caused?

Of course, I know why there are never any women put in jail for flashing. Because when a woman flashes someone, no one calls the cops...instead, she gets beads thrown at her or a free drink from the bar or a ride to the 7-11.

I'm sure there's some interesting and complex psych-uh-lodge-cal explanation for men who go around throwing out quick shots of their vienners, but couldn't they just get a hobby instead?