Dear Bumpus,You may wonder...

Did I Mention This on the GT Application?
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

...what I do when you go away for work-related trips. Do I look at dirty pictures on the internet? Am I using the electric shaving cream warmer to do things that would get me kicked out of the Order of Bah'ai? Do I write Yanni songs? And what exactly AM I doing with the royalties?

Well, I thought that, on this three-day trip to the armpit of the state, you might like to get a secret glimpse of what's going on.

It's 11:05 PM, and I am just finished cleaning out the lint collector on the dryer because it was FULL of lovely clean bits of kleenex and paper towel and it was stopping the dryer from funct-shunin properly.

I am wearing your old bathrobe and yard work boots (yee ha they reek! I think there's some processed devil dog in the treads).

I have SET LOOSE THE ROOMBA. The fat pussy is chasing it around the house while the skinny pussy watches from on top of the couch.

I am wearing bows in my hair as a tribute to Wa-Wa...aka, Fatty Jr...she knows who she is because she just got O-L-D-E-R, like me, and she has helped me put bows in my hair since I was a young, impressionable 18 year old. (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BUDDY! WE HAD ASPARAGUS!) You can't take offense Cat Crap, because YOU DON'T HAVE AS MUCH GREY HAIR AS I DO.

I have on my headphones so as not to wake the neighbors, and I am playing air guitar to Van Halen. My head-banging, however, is limited because I learned once, the hard way, what unbridled bodily expression to the Bee-Gees can do to your neck muscles. And that was when I was 20...I'm sure I could land myself in the hospital now.

I am wondering who I am going to blame the smell on, since the dog is asleep, the buttbox is clean, and the boys have long since figured out that barking spiders do not actually live in our house.

Of course, I am checking online every 10 minutes to see if anything has happened to those BB6 freaks, and I am sure that my constant refreshing of the message board is somehow annoying those even freakier people who can actually pay to watch and then take time to record what is happening on the live feeds.

I am a mid-night multi-tasker, doing dishes, cleaning bathrooms, and folding laundry. I am a domestic goddess risen from the snotty ashes of a summer head cold. And all that on only a double-dose of that stuffedhead-hairybacked-splaytoed-take-uh-big-swaller-so-you-can-breathe-medicine.

Notice how the camera flash provided a lovely spot light for the second chorus?

Recorded for pos-tear-tee's sake.