ITCHY BALD TESTICLES
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Second Recipe of the Day
And when you reach the point where the ole' checker at the package store starts getting the bottle ready when he sees your car pull up, you can jest brew your own likker in the privacy of yer own kichen:
1 cup light corn syrup
1 cup sugar
1 pint vodka
2 teaspoons peppermint extract
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
In a small saucepan, combine corn syrup and sugar; bring to a boil, stirring until sugar dissolved. Remove from heat and cool to lukewarm, about 20 minutes. Stir in vodka and extracts. Color if desired. Pour into sterilized bottles leaving 1/2-inch headspace. Tightly cap and store in a cool, dark place.To make Almond Liqueur, substitute 5 teaspoons almond extract for the peppermint extract.
Packaging Suggestions: Pour the liqueur into an attractive clear bottle or a decanter. Decorate the lid with metallic cord, ribbon, bows, bells or a bright tree ornament. For a more festive touch, Peppermint Schnapps can be colored with green food color. Almond Liqueur can be colored with yellow food color with a speck of red to create an amber color. The entire bottle can be slipped into a decorative gift bag or wrapped in a sheet of cellophane brought to the top of the bottle, crushed together, and tied with ribbon. Trim with a candy cane!
1 cup light corn syrup
1 cup sugar
1 pint vodka
2 teaspoons peppermint extract
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
In a small saucepan, combine corn syrup and sugar; bring to a boil, stirring until sugar dissolved. Remove from heat and cool to lukewarm, about 20 minutes. Stir in vodka and extracts. Color if desired. Pour into sterilized bottles leaving 1/2-inch headspace. Tightly cap and store in a cool, dark place.To make Almond Liqueur, substitute 5 teaspoons almond extract for the peppermint extract.
Packaging Suggestions: Pour the liqueur into an attractive clear bottle or a decanter. Decorate the lid with metallic cord, ribbon, bows, bells or a bright tree ornament. For a more festive touch, Peppermint Schnapps can be colored with green food color. Almond Liqueur can be colored with yellow food color with a speck of red to create an amber color. The entire bottle can be slipped into a decorative gift bag or wrapped in a sheet of cellophane brought to the top of the bottle, crushed together, and tied with ribbon. Trim with a candy cane!
Recipe of the Day
Ferget the breadmachine - toss out the crockpot and get down to the important stuff in life! Maybe Martha would like to have a show on making schnapps and invite the dysFUNctional family to help her in the kitchen!
http://www.danish-schnapps-recipes.com/index.html
http://www.danish-schnapps-recipes.com/index.html
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
It's the Simple Things in Life
That Entertain Me
You lee-juns of fans out there may think that I am a high maintenance big-haired Dallasite who is just sullenly stuck in the lab-rinth of East Texus, prancing around in my weddin dress and ordering folks to do my biddin, threatnin em with the fire and brimstone of my oversized spatula, but no. It's really the simple things in life that get me: a peaceful morning praying to St. Mattress, cheap te-keel-ya, chunky dunkin in Fatty Jr's pool, and gettin a new bridge for my upper bicuspids. Watching the devil dog get bee-rated by the fat pussy, hearing stories of fishin camp adventures from My Yo Mama, and trading recipes and hints for how to sneak a snort in the pantry with my perty sis, Cat Crap. Scaring the crud out of Bumpus with my late night she-nanner-gins and painting pictures with no pants on.
And what gives me daily enter-tane-munt as of late is taking a look at the site meter which tracks how visitors find our happy little corner of cybercrap. Here's a list of the best recent searches people have used that called up the family blog as a first-page result, using either msn.com or search.yahoo.com:
TOE KNEE CHEST NUT
This search is done a lot, thanks to those underpaid elementary school music teachers who just want the words to a wee-singer classic. Are you out there, GT Hag?
PICTURES OF DANGERUS DOGS
That was probably some red neck who was wanting an illustration next to their fence sign. Thanks to Yo Mama and her spelling challengs, we were 8th on the list.
WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER
We came it at #1, thanks to the photo Yo Mama provided of the foul gams.
DYSFUNCTIONAL MOTHER
Apparently, it's a popular search. We come in at #3, right after recovery-now.org and Mother Goose and Grimm. Do you think dropping by our site gives em any peace?
GIRLS WITH BIG PUSSES
We are a sadder #24 out of about 177,000 on this search. I know that I just broke my own rule because it's not on the first page, but I thought that maybe saying GIRLS WITH BIG PUSSES GIRLS WITH BIG PUSSES GIRLS WITH BIG PUSSES a few times might move us up on the list.
MAKE A DOG PUKE
We are number two on this results list, and at least three people have entered this search before. Do we have an underground doggie bulemia epidemic in the US?
There were also a couple of searches using the word NEKID which I argue should be spelled NEKKID but we don't show up in the first few pages, so I stopped looking, although I was glad to see the top result read something like this, "Necked Women: Shop eBay for anything and everything". They obviously changed the spelling yet again, which is wrong because that would be said as "neck'd" not NECK-ID.
Just like the Devil Dog with his balls:
It's good to be easily amused.
Yo Mama Finded 'Em ALL BY SELF
Orchids from the wild woods
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
My gran finale post of the day, jes lookin bak thru my pictures of portance and saw thissun. Them orchids looked lot better bak then than they do 2-day so sending an old photo stead of new one. Meybe I kin make a cor-sage to wear nex month when I fly over N.O. and cum ur way.
Yo Mama new U B proud of thissun.
Behind Trash is our New Trayler
One Very Fine OCD Trayler
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
Jes don't no many folks got 4 boat traylers in yard and only 2 boats 2 fill 'em up. Only got 2 them boats n the yard, 2 more bigguns in the water out yonder. This B the one we purchased mornin after that last storm when everbody wuz supposed 2 B off the streets but we so dumb we aint a-knowing them facts. Cud be we aint got no battery radio or sumthin 2 lern with.
Suppose this be OCD stuff?
Think I be takin sum them vitamins like that woman in Boulder who wanted to be ADD so she took her husbands pills and proved she be ADD too.
This EZ LOADER trayler NOT 4 sale, it is a keeper. Jes ask Yo Mama's PO and he B telling you those facts R true.
acookin with U in mind
Cuzen YAP-YAP DOIN WHAT HE DUZ BEST
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
Meet cuzen Yap Yap, he best cook in those Exuma Islands, find him asitting and asinging and adancing at a lil plase called Little Ship Channel Cay. When U threw aeating his good whatever he dances round with cookies aswimmin in M&M candy. Dont no what his luncheon recipes are, think he aint got none, jes what swims into the nets or washes up ashore. He got it made in the shade, life B simple, needs few, PO dont no where he is, folks cum to visit, pay to eat, then Go Away and leave him in peace and quiet with them birds and the sunset. Iffin U need Yap Yap to cater ur next affair, jest lemme no.
Yo Mama got his phone number handy
Five Swimmin Pigs
Five Swimmin Pigs
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
I B thinkin Yo Mama done forgot 2 send U this lovely. Them babies thout I wuz their mama 'n iffin I keep addin them carbs I B lookin more like 'em ever day.
Aint Yo Mama cute in thisson?
Skered 2 Re-veal his I-den-tity
Bionic Man 2 Remain Un-named
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
Yo Mama 4-got 2 sent ya this lil ditty. It B the Bionic Man who did this ever morn while I was a-washing the Kaptains breakfast dishes. This buddy is a-taking his testosterone mucho serious. Wudn't U be skered to run n-2 him any place if he wuz mad 'n a-runnin off at the mouth. I B thinkin mite outta send him sum special vitamins, take 1 ever day whether he b-needing 2 or not, else adios. His wife wood preciate the gesture I B sure.
Yo Mama wunder how many she ought send him.
Lucy IS A BROWN DOG
Lucy IS A BROWN DOG
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
Cuzen Emily get the award 4 the day! Miss Lucy has her Christmas list redy n cast n-e-body but Yo Mama is startin that annual chore. She B wantin a Sugar Glider all her own, jes look at Miss Emily's website n U be di-rected 2 a place 2 buy what U wanna give Lucy 4 Christmas: Sum choices B biting repellant, harness/leash, odor eliminator, teepee, nail trimmer, pouches 'n what Lucy relly want is a buddy bag to put that buddy in so she can hang it round her neck. When U mak ur choice let Yo Mama no as she be keeping the gift register list here on her puter.
Call or email Yo Mama with ur choices.
Nothin 2 good 4 Lucy.
P.S. Wunder if thet odor eliminator B n-e good 4 cat-craps gas problem.
A Free Vacation Could Be Yours!!
Today I started my LAST semester of classes (unless I decide to go back to bartending school which is always a possibility since i DID finish first in my class the first time). I thought all my dysFUNctional friends would like to know that one of my classes is on PENOLGY. Now, I DIDN'T say PENIS-OLOGY - this is an entirely different subject..... No, this class is a study of the Prison system. I be thinkin that if I find out that our local cement block facility be servin three squares a day, free cable tv, nap time and arts and crafts classes, I might just be headin over to the local convenience store where I could be wavin around some threatin object (perhaps my cat's dirty litter box) and then I would qualify for a FREE vacation. Now, I just be wonderin - if I find out that heaven is just a crime away, would any of my dysFUNctional friends like to be joinin me on a little haitus from everyday life? It would be great if we could all just go up the river together and share a suite and then we wouldn't have to be a worryin about Thelma snuggling up to us while we be watchin Big Brother on our personal 42" widescreen plasma tvs.
Let me be knowin what you be thinkin about this idea. If we just wait a few weeks, then the Kapitan will be so happy that he won't even notice that Yo Mama is not in attendance as his personal slave.
Let me be knowin what you be thinkin about this idea. If we just wait a few weeks, then the Kapitan will be so happy that he won't even notice that Yo Mama is not in attendance as his personal slave.
Monday, August 29, 2005
The Fountain of Youth (or at least a sure-fire to ferget you are getting older by the minute)
Hells bells, I have discovered the fountain of youth - Peppermint Schnapps! It is the perfect drink. It only costs $11.25 for a big ole' bottle. You stick it in your freezer, back behind all those brussel sprouts and endame beans, 'cause NOBODY will be movin those items. Then when your house is full of puking preteens, bitchy teens, and gee-tar playing old men, you just sneak into the ole' freezer and pour yerself just a little snort. It looks like water and it freshens ure breath, all at the same time! Golly, for all I know it also whitens my teeth and keeps me regular! Ferget all that Crystal light fuzzy peach stuff, this is the REAL MCCOY!!! And the best part is you only need a little sip so you don't end up all bloated with a headache the next morning.
See'in how the Kocureks called and invited themselves to come spend the night this weekend, you can be shore that I'll be a makin a run to the neighborhood package store in my anonymous econo-box car tomorow. I might even expand my horizons and try some new flavers. Why, if I'm not wrong, my shoulder is even showin some improvement thanks to this newly discovered magic water. Try some today and be shore to let me know if you don't feel yunger yurself!!
See'in how the Kocureks called and invited themselves to come spend the night this weekend, you can be shore that I'll be a makin a run to the neighborhood package store in my anonymous econo-box car tomorow. I might even expand my horizons and try some new flavers. Why, if I'm not wrong, my shoulder is even showin some improvement thanks to this newly discovered magic water. Try some today and be shore to let me know if you don't feel yunger yurself!!
It's a Damn-Skippy-Fine Day
When I Reach My Quota by 8:05 AM
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/northamptonshire/4194098.stm
We'll be signing Rufus up for this esc-ooooooooooo-ela.
PUKE - Part 2
Tonight as I be putting on the clean dust ruffle, mattress pad, sheets and comforter after my late night carpet cleaning session, I made the offhand remark that "Well, looks like the carpet may still have a slight pink stain to it - aren't we glad that we didn't let it sit for a few days so it could dry up", to which I received the reply (with a straight face) "Well, I think that letting it dry and then vacuuming it up would have worked very well". This from the same man who attempted to give the still sick child grape soda with his dinner since we were out of Sprite. When I pointed out that grape soda stains might coordinate nicely with the tomato/strawberry stains a light did go on inside that great cavern between his ears. I then got in the car and went and got Sprite.
Gig 'Em Again
Gig 'Em Again
GO KAPTAIN - YOU SHOW 'EM!
My PO is a-rising up 2 th occasion, he gonna show
'em who be the boss of the world. He had me on this
computer for over an hour a-trying to find somethin
out that he thinks he need 2 B a-no-N and when I failed
the test (one more time) he B decidin to call this fancy
phone number 1-800-REMOTE. But, U gotta relize,
he don't need remote information, he B needin some
info bout a Sony satellite receiver. So the nize man at
the REMOTE place give him a new very fine, sure 2
pleaze number and he called it and those folks wanted
14.95 to even take his call. So he hanged up mad. Then
he come 'n tell me he gonna call 'em back and give 'em
a fake credit card no. and when they go to try to get
their ill-gotten pay they be screwed. My PO may soon
have a PO of his own. Think So? GO KAPTAIN!
Hadn't dun it yet, now he on the phone 1 more time
with sumbody else and he is a-yelling and a-yellin sum
kinda numbers at um. I just be glad he B in the other
room, meybe his nu medicin stuff tomorrow be a good
thing. Pray 4 ur mama. Life ain't never dull at this
here trayler park.
Yo Mama B waitin 4 ur prayers, big time.
'em who be the boss of the world. He had me on this
computer for over an hour a-trying to find somethin
out that he thinks he need 2 B a-no-N and when I failed
the test (one more time) he B decidin to call this fancy
phone number 1-800-REMOTE. But, U gotta relize,
he don't need remote information, he B needin some
info bout a Sony satellite receiver. So the nize man at
the REMOTE place give him a new very fine, sure 2
pleaze number and he called it and those folks wanted
14.95 to even take his call. So he hanged up mad. Then
he come 'n tell me he gonna call 'em back and give 'em
a fake credit card no. and when they go to try to get
their ill-gotten pay they be screwed. My PO may soon
have a PO of his own. Think So? GO KAPTAIN!
Hadn't dun it yet, now he on the phone 1 more time
with sumbody else and he is a-yelling and a-yellin sum
kinda numbers at um. I just be glad he B in the other
room, meybe his nu medicin stuff tomorrow be a good
thing. Pray 4 ur mama. Life ain't never dull at this
here trayler park.
Yo Mama B waitin 4 ur prayers, big time.
Holy Cow - Its Chunky Monkey Monday
What a way to start the week - being waken at 4:00 am with the news that "Mom - I threw up" and then discovering that the vomitus expecterius was ALL over the carpet, the dust ruffle, the bedspread, the sheets (all of them) and the mattress pad and that the substance in question was a bright red as a result of the healthy meal I had served up last pm which included vast quantites of grape tomatoes and strawberries (not to mention the baked potato with lots of cheese on it). As I was straddling the puddles of puke in an attempt to pick out the largest chunks so that I could then use my wet/dry vac on the remaining flood, the highly intellingent and eldest testosterone clad member of my family suggested that I just "let it dry for a couple of days and then just vacuum it up".
Gig 'Em
Gig 'Em
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Dear Bumpus,
You may wonder...
...what I do when you go away for work-related trips. Do I look at dirty pictures on the internet? Am I using the electric shaving cream warmer to do things that would get me kicked out of the Order of Bah'ai? Do I write Yanni songs? And what exactly AM I doing with the royalties?
Well, I thought that, on this three-day trip to the armpit of the state, you might like to get a secret glimpse of what's going on.
It's 11:05 PM, and I am just finished cleaning out the lint collector on the dryer because it was FULL of lovely clean bits of kleenex and paper towel and it was stopping the dryer from funct-shunin properly.
I am wearing your old bathrobe and yard work boots (yee ha they reek! I think there's some processed devil dog in the treads).
I have SET LOOSE THE ROOMBA. The fat pussy is chasing it around the house while the skinny pussy watches from on top of the couch.
I am wearing bows in my hair as a tribute to Wa-Wa...aka, Fatty Jr...she knows who she is because she just got O-L-D-E-R, like me, and she has helped me put bows in my hair since I was a young, impressionable 18 year old. (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BUDDY! WE HAD ASPARAGUS!) You can't take offense Cat Crap, because YOU DON'T HAVE AS MUCH GREY HAIR AS I DO.
I have on my headphones so as not to wake the neighbors, and I am playing air guitar to Van Halen. My head-banging, however, is limited because I learned once, the hard way, what unbridled bodily expression to the Bee-Gees can do to your neck muscles. And that was when I was 20...I'm sure I could land myself in the hospital now.
I am wondering who I am going to blame the smell on, since the dog is asleep, the buttbox is clean, and the boys have long since figured out that barking spiders do not actually live in our house.
Of course, I am checking online every 10 minutes to see if anything has happened to those BB6 freaks, and I am sure that my constant refreshing of the message board is somehow annoying those even freakier people who can actually pay to watch and then take time to record what is happening on the live feeds.
I am a mid-night multi-tasker, doing dishes, cleaning bathrooms, and folding laundry. I am a domestic goddess risen from the snotty ashes of a summer head cold. And all that on only a double-dose of that stuffedhead-hairybacked-splaytoed-take-uh-big-swaller-so-you-can-breathe-medicine.
Notice how the camera flash provided a lovely spot light for the second chorus?
Recorded for pos-tear-tee's sake.
Well, I thought that, on this three-day trip to the armpit of the state, you might like to get a secret glimpse of what's going on.
It's 11:05 PM, and I am just finished cleaning out the lint collector on the dryer because it was FULL of lovely clean bits of kleenex and paper towel and it was stopping the dryer from funct-shunin properly.
I am wearing your old bathrobe and yard work boots (yee ha they reek! I think there's some processed devil dog in the treads).
I have SET LOOSE THE ROOMBA. The fat pussy is chasing it around the house while the skinny pussy watches from on top of the couch.
I am wearing bows in my hair as a tribute to Wa-Wa...aka, Fatty Jr...she knows who she is because she just got O-L-D-E-R, like me, and she has helped me put bows in my hair since I was a young, impressionable 18 year old. (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BUDDY! WE HAD ASPARAGUS!) You can't take offense Cat Crap, because YOU DON'T HAVE AS MUCH GREY HAIR AS I DO.
I have on my headphones so as not to wake the neighbors, and I am playing air guitar to Van Halen. My head-banging, however, is limited because I learned once, the hard way, what unbridled bodily expression to the Bee-Gees can do to your neck muscles. And that was when I was 20...I'm sure I could land myself in the hospital now.
I am wondering who I am going to blame the smell on, since the dog is asleep, the buttbox is clean, and the boys have long since figured out that barking spiders do not actually live in our house.
Of course, I am checking online every 10 minutes to see if anything has happened to those BB6 freaks, and I am sure that my constant refreshing of the message board is somehow annoying those even freakier people who can actually pay to watch and then take time to record what is happening on the live feeds.
I am a mid-night multi-tasker, doing dishes, cleaning bathrooms, and folding laundry. I am a domestic goddess risen from the snotty ashes of a summer head cold. And all that on only a double-dose of that stuffedhead-hairybacked-splaytoed-take-uh-big-swaller-so-you-can-breathe-medicine.
Notice how the camera flash provided a lovely spot light for the second chorus?
Recorded for pos-tear-tee's sake.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
It's Thanksgiving in August!
Since my karma is always swirling around me on an ass-finding mission, wearing gigantic vampire teeth, I figured I better follow up my last two vent-ee-lay-shun posts with something a little kinder and gentler...a list of things I'm thankful for.
Now, I know that it's only August, but Opry done taught me to be gracious and appreciate what I have, even if I cannot afford to buy $600 sheets, $900 shoes, and $300 pajamas.
So to balance my karma just a bit, I'd like to say that I am thankful for...
I'm also thankful for Cat Crap and Yo Mama, for making me laugh so much and for inspiring me to loosen up a little bit and let go of those Camelite morals that I have kept me so quiet, shy, and living in a dark, dark closet, unable to have fun for all these long long years.
Now, I know that it's only August, but Opry done taught me to be gracious and appreciate what I have, even if I cannot afford to buy $600 sheets, $900 shoes, and $300 pajamas.
So to balance my karma just a bit, I'd like to say that I am thankful for...
- Plastic tuh-keel-ya bottles.
Cause sometimes things get a little rowdy. - Extra-large sized spatulas.
Cause the weenie-ass size don't have the same range of applicay-shun. - Dominoes.
The game, not the pizza, cause whipping someone's butt at 42 keeps your mind off how many adult beverages you've been consuming. - Sinus medicine.
Cause it stops the drip and helps you wake up bright and refreshed on Sunday morning. - Bumpus.
Cause he's a good man.
I'm also thankful for Cat Crap and Yo Mama, for making me laugh so much and for inspiring me to loosen up a little bit and let go of those Camelite morals that I have kept me so quiet, shy, and living in a dark, dark closet, unable to have fun for all these long long years.
GET a GRIP PEOPLE!
With a new school year comes a struggle that we face every August: dumbass hicks who cannot follow instructions.
While only about 85 people live in our town, at 3 PM, when the elermentally school is getting out, from out of somewhere literally 150 cars line up to pick up their precious little snot-nosed, disease-ridden, skid-mark infested, holy terrors straight out of hell angels from la escooooooooooo-ela.
And every year at "Meet the Person Who Will Make You Do Science Projects at 11:45 PM Each Sunday Night Until You've Been Punished into Slack Jawed Submission" Open House Night, we get a fresh set of loverly typed out instructions on how to line up for pick up, including direct--though usually not followed up on--threats that the PO-LICE WILL COME AFTER YOUR HAIRY HICK ASS IF YOU DON'T FOLLER THEM THAR DIE-RECT-SHUNS!
And every year we start off with at least 50% of the iggits lining up on the wrong streets, cutting in line, blocking intersections, chewing ta-backer and spittin' it inna sty-roe-form cup (that's be cardboard to yer PO, Mama), and generally getting all uppity because "BY GOD MY PEOPLE ARE FROM THIS TOWN WAY BACK AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF I'M COCK-EYED AND BUCK-TOOTHED CAUSE WE DON'T NEVER 'SOCIATE WITH OTHER PEOPLE AT ANY OTHER PLACE THAN THE YEARLY TOWN FISH FRY AND DON'T YOU OUTTATOWNERS COME IN HERE AND TRY TO TELL ME HOW TO PARK MY DOOLEY WHILE I'M aWAITIN' FER MAH BOY!"
So one of my friends...yeah, I gotta couple... suggested that I start selling signs that we could wave at the iggits who can't foller inst-rukt-shuns. Rufus and I want to give this one a try. We wrote "Go Lions" on it as a friendly gesture in support of the football team, because we in Tex-us know how important that is.
We'll let you know how this works, in case you want to use a similar hick-herdin' tactic in your town.
While only about 85 people live in our town, at 3 PM, when the elermentally school is getting out, from out of somewhere literally 150 cars line up to pick up their precious little snot-nosed, disease-ridden, skid-mark infested, holy terrors straight out of hell angels from la escooooooooooo-ela.
And every year at "Meet the Person Who Will Make You Do Science Projects at 11:45 PM Each Sunday Night Until You've Been Punished into Slack Jawed Submission" Open House Night, we get a fresh set of loverly typed out instructions on how to line up for pick up, including direct--though usually not followed up on--threats that the PO-LICE WILL COME AFTER YOUR HAIRY HICK ASS IF YOU DON'T FOLLER THEM THAR DIE-RECT-SHUNS!
And every year we start off with at least 50% of the iggits lining up on the wrong streets, cutting in line, blocking intersections, chewing ta-backer and spittin' it inna sty-roe-form cup (that's be cardboard to yer PO, Mama), and generally getting all uppity because "BY GOD MY PEOPLE ARE FROM THIS TOWN WAY BACK AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF I'M COCK-EYED AND BUCK-TOOTHED CAUSE WE DON'T NEVER 'SOCIATE WITH OTHER PEOPLE AT ANY OTHER PLACE THAN THE YEARLY TOWN FISH FRY AND DON'T YOU OUTTATOWNERS COME IN HERE AND TRY TO TELL ME HOW TO PARK MY DOOLEY WHILE I'M aWAITIN' FER MAH BOY!"
So one of my friends...yeah, I gotta couple... suggested that I start selling signs that we could wave at the iggits who can't foller inst-rukt-shuns. Rufus and I want to give this one a try. We wrote "Go Lions" on it as a friendly gesture in support of the football team, because we in Tex-us know how important that is.
We'll let you know how this works, in case you want to use a similar hick-herdin' tactic in your town.
Check out this Website!!
This website is hysterical - I plan on submitting some pics of my own very soon!
http://www.stuffonmycat.com/
http://www.stuffonmycat.com/
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Shop Early for Christmas
And just in case you already got my tamale machine bought and need another idea for a little sumthin' for my Christmas stocking, you are more than welcome to the following suggestion:
http://www.tapmachineinc.com/main.html
http://www.tapmachineinc.com/main.html
I Got Issues and I Need to Vent
Another sore spot in my home is the amount of our gasoline bill. Between my poor mileage Ford Kid Wagon and Mike's Macho Red Machine that eats a gallon of gas a block, our gasoline bill is out of control. And just think, in 2 and 1/2 years we will have another gas guzzling member of our household (if I let her live that long). Why can't the same genius who invented mammogram machines invent a car that runs on FARTS??? Is this really too much to ask???? We can harness the energy from the sun, we can harness the energy from the wind, why the heck can't we harness the energy from our backsides and put that all that hot air to work? I think that tomorrow I will put in a call to Hillary and in a couple of years when she dons her royal robes and become our first She-Bitch President, maybe she can work on this issue. Her people like all that new age energy bullshit - let's give them a chance to put their actions where their fat and obnoxious mouths are. And on the subject of those sad sack politicans who think they are capable of running our morally bankrupt society - I think that next summer we need to have a new edition of Big Brother. They could call it "Who's the Dumbest Politician". Let's lock a whole slew of them together in a house for 3 months and see how many of them can handle the mental strain. I GUARAN-TEE you the ratings would go through the roof. And instead of making them eat a peanut butter and jelly diet, I think they should eat nothing but brown rice and black beans. Maybe that would inspire them to solve my other dilema and invent a car that runs on human gas.
Bhai, Bhai, that's all I have to say about that.
Bhai, Bhai, that's all I have to say about that.
My Cholesterol is Getting Lower but the Air Quality is Getting Worse
My goal for this week was to try to work on my cholesterol. I purchased special orange juice, special butter, ate a lot of fiber, took my vitamins, didn't eat any bloody burgers and what is my reward?????? GAS....LOTS OF GAS!!! My question is this....what good is it going to be if I live a few years longer because my cholesterol is lower if NO ONE WANTS TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH ME???????? I cannot wait to pose that question to Dr. Livesay when I make my annual pilgramage to the guru of gynocologists in the next couple of months. I will make a point to eat nothing but brown rice and black beans for the week before I bless him with my presence and I promise you that he will never complain about my cholesterol again.
That's my problem and I'm stickin to it....
That's my problem and I'm stickin to it....
Friday, August 19, 2005
Who Will Be The Winner?
What is wrong with this picture?!
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
Who can figger it out 1st! This B goin on 2 long and Yo Mama is AT THE END OF HER ROPE! Jes what is wrong here, kan U imagine this b-n the sittiation? Les see who kan kum up with the rite idea ... meybe a solution 2.
Yo Mama Wants To Know
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Re: Item #5 on August 15
Jes thot U gurls wood B happie to no that we had supper
next to my Dr. on Tuesday in the p.m. and I tole him
bout sumbodies plan to have 2 surgery things, sorta a 2-fer,
'n then a-hiring a nurse to take care of those 2 old folks in
the bed and the Dr. he sed: NO, NO WAY, ABSOLUTELY
NOT, TIME OUT. Amen. Furthermore he kared to
share the information that the 1 who is NOT having any-
thing done the #1 in January will be working his tail off
a-taking care of the one who IS being fixed. Good times
ahead!
next to my Dr. on Tuesday in the p.m. and I tole him
bout sumbodies plan to have 2 surgery things, sorta a 2-fer,
'n then a-hiring a nurse to take care of those 2 old folks in
the bed and the Dr. he sed: NO, NO WAY, ABSOLUTELY
NOT, TIME OUT. Amen. Furthermore he kared to
share the information that the 1 who is NOT having any-
thing done the #1 in January will be working his tail off
a-taking care of the one who IS being fixed. Good times
ahead!
Thank you Fatty and Clorox
Thank you Fatty and Clorox
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
Yo po Mama jes waddnt cuttin th cake when it B time to clean the xtra pot in our home until today, outta the blue sky, I remembert my Fatty atellin me bout Clorox wipes. Tween them wipes and my Clorox soft scrub with bleach I don cleant not only my bano but also the other potty room in the house. It even got the spots that exploded up to the unner side of the seat in thet other potty room. Mitely nise to have this all done sense sumbody is acoming 2 day to visit and then 2 sumbodies cuming tomorrow to camp out in our water trayler.
Nex time you gotta black ink cartridge that implodes and xploes in ur printer, jes grab them Clorox wipes. By the time that unsitley mess, a BIG one, was cleant up Yo Mama had used a 1/2 box them wipes. Then Yo Mama got in the shower bath place and guess what. Bet U wood never guess. When I got my hair wet all kinda black ink washet outta it. Frum the printer, NOT from or to Carmex. Thot meybe I wood have black hare 'gain but not so.
Yo Mama B wantin to no ur household trick of the week. Meybe them ladies on How Clean B UR House will wanna talk to me too. Suppose? Meybe Clorox Company wood like a TV testemonial too.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Good News for TODAY:
Fame, Fortune, and Free Upper Lip Waxing are OURS
Move over Dicky Clark! The dysFUNctional family is taking over the charts. Just go to yahoo.com and enter any of these search term combos:
yo mama PO
wisdom of rufus
hairy cat crap
campin rap
fatty black mama
WE WILL BE ON THE FIRST PAGE, SOMETIMES EVEN AT THE TOP OF THE LIST OUR OF BAZILLIONS OF RESULTS!
I will be sitting by the front door, waiting on that old drunken Ed Mac-Man, and hoping that I get a free trip to extreme makeover because my upper lip is in big old need of a waxin!
yo mama PO
wisdom of rufus
hairy cat crap
campin rap
fatty black mama
WE WILL BE ON THE FIRST PAGE, SOMETIMES EVEN AT THE TOP OF THE LIST OUR OF BAZILLIONS OF RESULTS!
I will be sitting by the front door, waiting on that old drunken Ed Mac-Man, and hoping that I get a free trip to extreme makeover because my upper lip is in big old need of a waxin!
Items #1 - #7, Sympathy in Order
Item # 1
We have a SkyMate system on the boat. We paid through October for use of this system. It worked in May 2-3 times, it worked - I think - once in June. It worked once in late July. I tried repeatedly during The Trip to use SkyMate, with the Kaptain hanging over my shoulder wanting to know why I couldn't make it work. I asked him repeatedly if there wasn't something he had to switch on at the electronic board and he said NO. After we got home I sent the SkyMate people an irate email about our bum system. After I got the boat unloaded and went to the dr. re: knees. shoulders, elbows, foot and hips, then I worked on getting my New Lovely Gift Of A Used Cell Phone Working, then I took my computer to the boat, turned on the a/c, called the SkyMate people and spent the better part of 1/2 a day trying to figure out what was the matter. The Matter was a User Error - the Power Was Not Turned On To The System. So, now remember this, the Kaptain has the system removed from the boat, puts it in a box in the house with the rest of the mountain of stuff to move, and plans to install SkyMate in his "new" boat that will be here probably Tues or Wed, just in time to make up the bed for weekend company to stay on the boat with their dog. (Just in case you got the college intellect to wonder why the system worked several times, it is because when the Kaptain gets to working in the electrical board he sometimes makes a few errors and does thinks like turn off the hot water and turn off the ice maker or refrigerator and freezer, or the water pump. You can just add to that list that he sometimes turns other things on and off by mistake. So apparently he turned on the SkyMate system in error a couple of times and then the next day turned it off again. That makes a lotta sense, doesn't it?)
Item #2
Kaptain gets a laptop for his birthday from the folks at the office. HALLELUJAH. I brought it home and got it going but was not able to get the internet installed due to a technical question that I could not answer. Kaptain didn't need that laptop Sat/Sun anyway, he was too busy running around messing with boats (4 of them). But the laptop Does have a solitare game on it -
guess what - the Kaptain doesn't like that version. So I find the version on my laptop and am assured that I can download it when we can get him an internet connection. He does not like the laptop because his deadbeat, crazy, manipulating, python daughter-in-law was sent to buy it because her husband thinks she is Mrs. Knowledgeable Computer Person Of The World. She called me once on my cell (never uses my house phone, I didn't hear the cell ring), she called the office 6 times, was 2 hours late arriving with the computer, missed the birthday party. She brought the Kaptain a birthday card, forgot to give it to him, then mailed it (small card) to the tune of $.60 with a note that said "ha, ha I forgot to give it to you so am mailing it" on his office postal machine at almost twice the cost of a stamp.
Item #3
Kaptain decides to drive me to Best Buy to purchase a router to make wireless connections for both of our laptops at home. He wants to be able to play solitare on his sorry-ass computer whenever and wherever he wants. So ... I found him a salesman who assured him how easy it was to connect the wirless. Just one cord, he said, just plug one end into the BellSouth modem and the other end into the router and you have wireless. What a deal. We got it on sale. We saved $20. BUT, we have to mail in rebate. Got home. I HAD to fill out the rebate stuff right away. I cut out the proof of purchase and got that all done. Step #2, open box, find cord and do 2 plug-ins as told. NO, no, no, I said ... there is a CD here that clearly says to play this FIRST before doing ANYTHING, there was no instruction booklet or paper. NO, he says, We Do NOT Have To Do That. All we have to do is the 2 plug-ins, DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT THE MAN AT THE STORE TOLD US, DO THE 2 PLUG INS AND IT IS SIMPLE !!!!!! Guess what, 2 plug-ins later we had no wireless. I had to spend 2 1/2 hours with an English-2nd-language very patient lady in INDIA to get all the installation done. In the meantime the Kaptain had gone to the gym to ride the bike for 15 minutes as instructed by the dr. So ... he came home and wanted to know if I had wireless. I was still on the phone. He sat and waited till I got off. YES, I said, 2 1/2 hours of wireless installation. GREAT! he said, I want to play solitare on your computer with the wireless. So I sat him down to do that and went to the other end of the house. In a few minutes he hollers, Come Here ! What I said. He said, now I want to use SkyMate. USE SKYMATE, I said, WHAT DO YOU MEAN USE SKYMATE????? He yelled a little louder, can't you hear me I WANT TO USE SKYMATE NOW. I don't know what he thought, so I slammed the key down to go back to the desk top, pushed the SkyMate icon and guess what ??? We did not have a SkyMate connection.
Item #4
I think I will send the Kaptain to computer school at Reeser Enterprises. He can sleep on the trundle bed, use the potty right there, work on that nice setup at Reeser Enterprises and learn more in a few weeks that I could teach him in a year. Please to feed him some Duck Sausage every day til its gone.
Item #5
Kaptain has his nose out of joint because I'm having my left foot fixed lst week in January. He wants to get something fixed too. So he is off to the (same) doctor this a.m. to get him to operate on his hip again. I've already said, I GET JANUARY, TWO WEEKS IN BED, 3 WEEKS IN A WALKER - YOU HAVE TO FIGURE OUT SOME TIME THAT WON'T MEAN I HAVE TO WAIT ON YOU DURING MY RECOVERY. He says, NO PROBLEM, we'll have it done at the same time and just help each other. LORD, DELIVER ME, HURRY.
Item #6
Did school start in Frankin or Sweetwater today? Or are you still sitting on your bottoms and taking pictures for more Blogs to relieve the stress?
Item #7
I need some cheer, got any???? Yo Mama is standing by with her wireless on and running.
We have a SkyMate system on the boat. We paid through October for use of this system. It worked in May 2-3 times, it worked - I think - once in June. It worked once in late July. I tried repeatedly during The Trip to use SkyMate, with the Kaptain hanging over my shoulder wanting to know why I couldn't make it work. I asked him repeatedly if there wasn't something he had to switch on at the electronic board and he said NO. After we got home I sent the SkyMate people an irate email about our bum system. After I got the boat unloaded and went to the dr. re: knees. shoulders, elbows, foot and hips, then I worked on getting my New Lovely Gift Of A Used Cell Phone Working, then I took my computer to the boat, turned on the a/c, called the SkyMate people and spent the better part of 1/2 a day trying to figure out what was the matter. The Matter was a User Error - the Power Was Not Turned On To The System. So, now remember this, the Kaptain has the system removed from the boat, puts it in a box in the house with the rest of the mountain of stuff to move, and plans to install SkyMate in his "new" boat that will be here probably Tues or Wed, just in time to make up the bed for weekend company to stay on the boat with their dog. (Just in case you got the college intellect to wonder why the system worked several times, it is because when the Kaptain gets to working in the electrical board he sometimes makes a few errors and does thinks like turn off the hot water and turn off the ice maker or refrigerator and freezer, or the water pump. You can just add to that list that he sometimes turns other things on and off by mistake. So apparently he turned on the SkyMate system in error a couple of times and then the next day turned it off again. That makes a lotta sense, doesn't it?)
Item #2
Kaptain gets a laptop for his birthday from the folks at the office. HALLELUJAH. I brought it home and got it going but was not able to get the internet installed due to a technical question that I could not answer. Kaptain didn't need that laptop Sat/Sun anyway, he was too busy running around messing with boats (4 of them). But the laptop Does have a solitare game on it -
guess what - the Kaptain doesn't like that version. So I find the version on my laptop and am assured that I can download it when we can get him an internet connection. He does not like the laptop because his deadbeat, crazy, manipulating, python daughter-in-law was sent to buy it because her husband thinks she is Mrs. Knowledgeable Computer Person Of The World. She called me once on my cell (never uses my house phone, I didn't hear the cell ring), she called the office 6 times, was 2 hours late arriving with the computer, missed the birthday party. She brought the Kaptain a birthday card, forgot to give it to him, then mailed it (small card) to the tune of $.60 with a note that said "ha, ha I forgot to give it to you so am mailing it" on his office postal machine at almost twice the cost of a stamp.
Item #3
Kaptain decides to drive me to Best Buy to purchase a router to make wireless connections for both of our laptops at home. He wants to be able to play solitare on his sorry-ass computer whenever and wherever he wants. So ... I found him a salesman who assured him how easy it was to connect the wirless. Just one cord, he said, just plug one end into the BellSouth modem and the other end into the router and you have wireless. What a deal. We got it on sale. We saved $20. BUT, we have to mail in rebate. Got home. I HAD to fill out the rebate stuff right away. I cut out the proof of purchase and got that all done. Step #2, open box, find cord and do 2 plug-ins as told. NO, no, no, I said ... there is a CD here that clearly says to play this FIRST before doing ANYTHING, there was no instruction booklet or paper. NO, he says, We Do NOT Have To Do That. All we have to do is the 2 plug-ins, DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT THE MAN AT THE STORE TOLD US, DO THE 2 PLUG INS AND IT IS SIMPLE !!!!!! Guess what, 2 plug-ins later we had no wireless. I had to spend 2 1/2 hours with an English-2nd-language very patient lady in INDIA to get all the installation done. In the meantime the Kaptain had gone to the gym to ride the bike for 15 minutes as instructed by the dr. So ... he came home and wanted to know if I had wireless. I was still on the phone. He sat and waited till I got off. YES, I said, 2 1/2 hours of wireless installation. GREAT! he said, I want to play solitare on your computer with the wireless. So I sat him down to do that and went to the other end of the house. In a few minutes he hollers, Come Here ! What I said. He said, now I want to use SkyMate. USE SKYMATE, I said, WHAT DO YOU MEAN USE SKYMATE????? He yelled a little louder, can't you hear me I WANT TO USE SKYMATE NOW. I don't know what he thought, so I slammed the key down to go back to the desk top, pushed the SkyMate icon and guess what ??? We did not have a SkyMate connection.
Item #4
I think I will send the Kaptain to computer school at Reeser Enterprises. He can sleep on the trundle bed, use the potty right there, work on that nice setup at Reeser Enterprises and learn more in a few weeks that I could teach him in a year. Please to feed him some Duck Sausage every day til its gone.
Item #5
Kaptain has his nose out of joint because I'm having my left foot fixed lst week in January. He wants to get something fixed too. So he is off to the (same) doctor this a.m. to get him to operate on his hip again. I've already said, I GET JANUARY, TWO WEEKS IN BED, 3 WEEKS IN A WALKER - YOU HAVE TO FIGURE OUT SOME TIME THAT WON'T MEAN I HAVE TO WAIT ON YOU DURING MY RECOVERY. He says, NO PROBLEM, we'll have it done at the same time and just help each other. LORD, DELIVER ME, HURRY.
Item #6
Did school start in Frankin or Sweetwater today? Or are you still sitting on your bottoms and taking pictures for more Blogs to relieve the stress?
Item #7
I need some cheer, got any???? Yo Mama is standing by with her wireless on and running.
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Dinner Suggestion......
I think you should whip up the following, put on a negligee and announce to Bumpus that he is getting Duck sausage for dinner. Then throw this mess at him and watch him smack his little lips. Be sure to let me know what section of the HEB the duck fat is in.
Duck Sausage
2 tablespoons ground duck meat
1 cup diced duck meat
2 tablespoons ground duck fat, plus more for cooking sausage
1/4 cup flour (add enough hot water to make a small pastry dough, about 2 tablespoons)
2 tablespoons port wine
1 teaspoon fennel seeds
Salt and pepper
Sugar
1 egg white
1 pound foie gras
Duck skin
8 pounds duck fat
Butchers string
Add all ingredients except for the foie gras into a large bowl. Mix well. Roll out and add the foie gras to the center. Roll into a sausage. Cover using the duck skin for casing. Tie with butcher?s string to secure. Confit the duck sausage by cooking in duck fat in a very slow heat until cooked (about 25 minutes). Take out and roast in a roasting pan, in a preheated 350 degree oven, until golden brown and crispy.
Wine Suggestion: River Bend, Russian River Valley, Pinot Noir, 1996
Duck Sausage
2 tablespoons ground duck meat
1 cup diced duck meat
2 tablespoons ground duck fat, plus more for cooking sausage
1/4 cup flour (add enough hot water to make a small pastry dough, about 2 tablespoons)
2 tablespoons port wine
1 teaspoon fennel seeds
Salt and pepper
Sugar
1 egg white
1 pound foie gras
Duck skin
8 pounds duck fat
Butchers string
Add all ingredients except for the foie gras into a large bowl. Mix well. Roll out and add the foie gras to the center. Roll into a sausage. Cover using the duck skin for casing. Tie with butcher?s string to secure. Confit the duck sausage by cooking in duck fat in a very slow heat until cooked (about 25 minutes). Take out and roast in a roasting pan, in a preheated 350 degree oven, until golden brown and crispy.
Wine Suggestion: River Bend, Russian River Valley, Pinot Noir, 1996
I'm Defending My Stupidity
Sumtimes in life things jes be said that don't make no sense 'n iffin 1 does not rise to defend their n-ability to comprehend it shud follow that 1 is aggreein with or ac-septing what be said. Now, I no I aint got no P-H-D from Princeton, 'n I don't even live in Ft. Worth and never did, 'n I didn't go to Rice University BY CHOICE 'cause them jes weren't my kinda people, but I do no a thing or 2 bout life and what B important. I been around the trak oncet or twice. Lik I no that Jen cursed Brad out this week, and further more Jess' butt done went flat. 'N I no I don't drive a top-of-the-line-showcase-car like a VW Touring car. 'N I don't no iffin during the day and nite 24/7 my car shines headlites whether I need 'em or not. I jes don't no and sumthin else, I jes don't care, it not be M-portant 2 me. So when the bait got throwed out I jes was dumfounded. It went sumthin like this:
My brite lights don't work.
I don't no why my brite lites don't work.
? Do U have ur headlites on?
I got my lites on that burn whenever the car motor is a-goin, nite or day.
?Are U tellin me ur a-trying to switch to brites when U don't have ur headlites on?
Yes, that is what I said 2 times.
How do 1 answer sumthin like that? Aint got his lites on, here we go down the hiways and byways of a big city and he be running on them little cheap automatic lites and be thinkin he outta be able to just flash them brite boogers. Think I best get me 1 o'them portable searchlites
that plug n-2 the cigarette liter and when we go n-e-where after dark I jes turn that thing on and act like I'm a deer-hunting.
Yo Mama wants 2 no if U think the judge would unnerstand I wadn't relly deer huntin in the city limits out of season.
My brite lights don't work.
I don't no why my brite lites don't work.
? Do U have ur headlites on?
I got my lites on that burn whenever the car motor is a-goin, nite or day.
?Are U tellin me ur a-trying to switch to brites when U don't have ur headlites on?
Yes, that is what I said 2 times.
How do 1 answer sumthin like that? Aint got his lites on, here we go down the hiways and byways of a big city and he be running on them little cheap automatic lites and be thinkin he outta be able to just flash them brite boogers. Think I best get me 1 o'them portable searchlites
that plug n-2 the cigarette liter and when we go n-e-where after dark I jes turn that thing on and act like I'm a deer-hunting.
Yo Mama wants 2 no if U think the judge would unnerstand I wadn't relly deer huntin in the city limits out of season.
OCD Issue No. 1
If I've told him once, I've told him a million times......
What is wrong with this picture??? The garbage disposal is on the LEFT hand side of the sink. Add to that the fact that the plate with small particles of food on it is on the RIGHT hand sink and what do you come up with???? OBVIOUSLY, the grievious error results in SOMEONE (you can guess who) having to either (1) carefully balance a plate full of water and small food particles and hopefull dump it in the CORRECT side of the sink or (2) pull small food particles out of the strainer basket that is located on the WRONG side of the sink. Does it not make sense to put dirty plate on the side of the sink that contains the garbage disposal???? I have nicely made this request many times and apparantely no one listens to the maid of the household.
This is my OCD issue No. 1 and I'm stickin to it.....
I am a Wealth of Information 2-Day
Another brilliant idea 4 U to use
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
I wuz given this lil handy item yestidday when we went to the city up north where lives a realtive I got by gittin marriet. Now this person has gotta mind that whirls 24/7 jes lookin 4 ways to use stuff that other folks don't want. Her homestead is a place of innovative thinkin iffin I ever saw 1. So one thing she duz is goes 2 the dump on a reglar schedule and looks 4 these refrigerator drawers in the dump section where appliances live. She uses them 4 a million things. She was generus nuf to share one with me and even went so far as to line it with sum a that nise shelf lining rubber. Now, what I'm a thinkin is that both my girls B livin in towns small nuf to B able to git N-2 ur local dump without a-paying. 'n there B jes no end to what U mite find. U mite even B able to git ur Christmas shoppin all dun reel early. Lemme no what U find unless it B a surprise 4 yo mama R the Kaptain. We have jes found a whole nu way to n-ter-tain our selves 'n vistin relatives.
Whadda ya think, Yo Mama wants 2 no.
P.S. U kaint have this 1, The Kaptain snapped that baby up like it wuz mana from heaven. Don't no what he wanna do with it but he shore did think it fine.
We got sum excitin news 4 you
A new baby in our home
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
Born this day, not pooped out but raised from above, Linty is here 2 say hi and hello to ya'll. She be kumposed of little bits of everthing, like I B meaning unnerwear, sox, dishtowels, pillow covers and jes lotsa nice things that was lst bleached with clorox (generic) and gentlie massaged with Arm & Hammer liquid, scent free. She got black eyes and a big smile. Now aint she a nice wun, believe she be a keeper. Iffin you got some more persunal kinda questions, jes lemme no.
Good news from Yo Mama
Report from the Field:
Why Bumpus Got Slapped
In the car this morning with hellions-in-training on the way to work on a Saturday morning:
B: "Every tried any duck sausage?"
F: "No. Is it good?"
B: "Well, why don't you duck down here and try it out for yourself?"
B: "Every tried any duck sausage?"
F: "No. Is it good?"
B: "Well, why don't you duck down here and try it out for yourself?"
UPDATE NEWS ALERT !!!!!
jes want my gurls and Hairy to no that The Kaptain, boss of the whole world, has jes left to go 'n buy nother boat trailer. Only $500, meybe he kin git it 4 less. Then we kin have nother water trayler in our driveway with the other 2 and the 2 boats (both useless like Bumpus). Kaint talk now, gotta go while the goin is good. In everday talk thet means The Kaptain's car is gone frum behind mine and I kin GET OUT. Lots errands to run, money to spend.
Thet is what Yo Mama is a-doin 2 day.
Thet is what Yo Mama is a-doin 2 day.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Hairy's Safety Tip of the Day
A Smart Hairball is a Safe Hairball
Attention all Hairballs. If you will look closely at this human cooling unit you will see the remains of my dear Aunt Martha. One day she was floating around the bathroom floor and decided to stick her nose somewhere that she didn't belong. Before she knew it she was sucked into this dangerous machine and all that is left of her is what you see scattered over the surface of those little prongy things. Let this be a lesson to you all.....beware of all electronic contraptions that you may encounter in your human's homes......we don't want to meet the same fate as poor Aunt Martha.
Just in Case You Were Wondering......
This Fat Ass Piece of Feline Fur is MY MAMA!!!
Now I now that there are those of you out there in cyberspace that are wondering what could have produce such a fine specimen of hairball such as myself. Accordingly, I thought that I would introduce you to the fine woman that birthed me from her very own backside. Say hello to Minnie, friend of a select few and mortal enemy to many, including unknown small children, other cats and dogs, and especially the postman and the Orkin man.....
A New Friend for the DysFUNctional Family!!
Introducing.......HAIRY THE HAIRBALL!!!
First there was Gumby, then there was Flat Stanley......Now we have a new friend to worship and idolize.....HAIRY THE HAIRBALL!!!
Below is Hairy's theme song - it is sung to the Gumby and Pokey tune. If you don't know what the Gumby and Pokey tune is then you are too young to be reading this Blog....
Hairy's Song
I once lived on the back of a kitty's ass -
But I was brushed off and came to life at last.
I can live under any chair,
Or in closet or corners, too.
If you've got a cat
Then Hairy could live with you.....HAIRY!!
Stay tuned for the day to day adventures and tribulations of Hairy. It's not easy being a hairball!!
SAFETY ALERT !!!!!!!!
Look 4 this dangerus item n ur home
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
Bet U did not no thet this little hook on ur door will ruint ur home and de-crease the value of said homestead. It is not 2 B used as it will, even with just 1-2 items a-hanagin on it, tear the hinges out the door frame 'n U will no longer B able to close the door. Bet U didn't no this valuable info, I didn't til 2-day when I was
a-ironing the Kaptains clean shorts.
Yo Mama want U 2 let me know iffin U find N-E of these dangerus things N ur house, kaint give U N-E advise as 2 how 2 get rid of 'em. Wouldn't wanna give this dangerus thing to ur worst
N-E-me.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Face Like an Angel, Mouth Like a Sailor...
Just Like We Like 'Em!
http://pissybritches.blogspot.com/
Found us another cousin, Potty Mouth Prissy Britches. Hey Prissy! Welcome to the family! :)
Big Hugs from Fartknockin' Fattybritches
Found us another cousin, Potty Mouth Prissy Britches. Hey Prissy! Welcome to the family! :)
Big Hugs from Fartknockin' Fattybritches
If its cheap, buy it
Introducin Water Trailer # 97
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
My PO is a man of vision. He B tole about this val-u-able item that be a-sittin on the island called St. Thomas. It hadn't been looked at in 2 yrs. and was mitely dirty and deflated and 4 only 500 big ones he cud have it.
Voila! He finded a native to have a crate built and this trailer put N it and then the whole mess wrapped up N sumthing like saran wrap and nex thing U no it is a-sitting in our driveway on a rented trailer with a flat tire.
'member - all this wuz site unseen ! Wunder how cheap 2 ship it to 2 the U S of A.
It gonna be mitely valuable, he sez, when he git thru with it. Am sur the nabors love it. Two water trailers in the bak yard and 2 n the front. This be sitting N our new fancy Tall carport which is a big problem, now oncet again I kaint git my car out less I tell The Kaptain 2 git his butt up and move his VW. Sech is life. N E body wanna buy a fine boat? Shall I slip an ad on Ebay. Whatever shall I do to avoid the city offisers cuming over here and leaving demands for $$$ and-a hauling it sumwhere else?
Yo Mama is a-waiting 4 advise from her 2 nowledgeable girls who ware wedding dresses 2 little 4 'em.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Everthing ain't what it mite seem
I Gotta Cause Too !!!
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
Jes cause U 2 useless girls got weddin dresses a-lying round waiting 2 B used agin, 'n jes cause Yo Mama grashushly donated her virginal dress 2 the Round Rock actors 'n actresses, don't mean she kaint get 2-gether a little sumthin to share with those she luves.
First U mite notice them Gucci shoes thet went out with high-button-turn-of-the-century. I did not ask to borrow, I jes did it. To complement them I finded some fine white socks that go with special white-man-about-town-big-time-officer-to-strut-arount-in uni-forms. Didn't ask bout that either. I needed sumthin borrowed 'n new 2 so I got out my new Hanes V neck shirt, size L, bought to take to Texas when I go cause thats what natives wear down ther. The cell-fon is the one I jes wuz given by sum-1 who loves me very much 'n wanted me 2 have the finest.
Yes, that be a dead chicken I B holdin, it B evening meal, sumtimes called supper, sumtimes called dinner, depending who you B talkin 2. One dead chicken, legs and head and all will feed 2 pigs 'n 1 dog.
'n that beu-ti-ful hare got nuthin 2 do with my carmex jar.
'n yes I do see the flab on my upper leg, that B whut U have 2 look forward 2 in the years to cum.
'n yes I did take that picture myself, did not trust N E body to do it rite but me or Lucy and she didn't wanna try cause I B outta dog cookies. Nex
time I wanna call our new found cuzen in Brazil, Mosta, 'n let him do my current-in-progress portfolio.
Keep in tuch with Yo Mama so she will no U ain't ben carted off to a happy farm.
U got N E more ???? or complants U no where to find Yo Mama. Rite here a-using that Arm & Hammer jug.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
We Got a Smart, High-Class Fan!
http://sarauweb.blogspot.com/
This is a real live Brazilian gentleman who has all sorts of cool pictures on his blog, and he linked to our site. How cool is that!?!
We are going to re-unite America with the rest of the world and pull together this European Union thing, through the shear love and warm fuzzies generated by the dysFUNctional family blog. Viva Brazilia! Long live the King!
Thank you, kind Brazilian sir!
From yer East Texas cousins.
MY ASS IS AS BIG AS A WATERMELON!!!!
Watch Out - Mama is MAD!!!!!
Not only does my dress not fit me either, but I had to put it on over my head because my BIG ASS wouldn't let me put it on from the bottom up. Not only that, but when I tried to take the friggin thing off, I almost had to use my scissors and cut it off.......I guess the fact that I had such LARGE babies accounts for the fact that there was about a 6 inch gap across my back after I managed to squeeze into the satin torture chamber.
The solution can be found in my right hand. I plan on having a couple of cocktails and chopping the fat off my butt with my everyready Chinese meat cleaver. Stay tuned for the hospital report.....
The good news is that Minnie really enjoyed riding around the house on the beer stained train......
I wish I had a picture of my daughter's face as I entered her room in the above costume clutching a meat cleaver. I think that she thought I had finally gone over the edge (and perhaps I have).....
Where we outta be right now
And it really looked like this .....
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
What we a-doin a-sitting some place that ain't this photo op place? It really was jes like this for miles and miles. This is Patty and Howard a-sitting in their dinghy, I didn't have Boudreaux Boy there with a camera to snap a shot of me and the PO but it wooda looket the same. Let's go, what we awaiting 4 anyway? Be kerful who U n-vite to go too with us.
Jes some thoughts from Yo Mama
Lucy IS A BROWN DOG
Lucy IS A BROWN DOG
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
Iffin there B eny con-fusion as to the color of said dog here is the livin and breathin PTL truth, she be a BROWN dog, choc brown, choc as in Aunt Choc or Peppermint Patties. She ain't got no black curly hair and 'sides, she don't B knowing how to open the Carmex.
I am also here to tes-ti-fy that the PO has not been a-sneakin into the Carmex jar, he thinks the stuff is
stinky. Thank goodness, woodn't want nobody but me and Lucy using it.
Standing by for more i-dears,
Respectifully submitted, Yo Mama
Monday, August 08, 2005
Watch Where You Step
Dear Mama,
When we were hanging out with the river rats, I saw this doggie doggie's lovely beach wear and thought that you and Lucy would appreciate the fashion insight. Looks like lots of ribbons and some sort of star grommet things.
Perhaps the black hair in the Carmex came from Lucy????
Fatty
When we were hanging out with the river rats, I saw this doggie doggie's lovely beach wear and thought that you and Lucy would appreciate the fashion insight. Looks like lots of ribbons and some sort of star grommet things.
Perhaps the black hair in the Carmex came from Lucy????
Fatty
the proof is in the pudding
the proof is in the pudding
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
There be already some doubtin-Thomases out there who do not believe what I see in my Carmex so here is the PROOF.
Now, U tell me - no bodies at this house have black curly hair n-e-where so who been passin around my private supply of beauty stuff and To Whom?
I want some ansers and some new Carmex devoid of black curly private hairs.
This is Yo Mama a-talking tough
Leave Me and My Phone Alone !!!
What the hell. I ben havin N usin my cell tele-fon jes
fine. My PO saw his sonny-boy with a new phone niser than
the PO's fon. So what the hell did he do? What eny red
blooded PO would do, Big Man of authority, keeper of the
funds, hot shot man 'bout town. What did he do? He went
missing and ended up at the Cingular spot and got his-self
a new fon, jes like baby-boy has. Then - to jus-t-fy his
reckless spendin (cause baby boy is Rich and Daddy is not,
he is poor cause he puts all his money N-2 baby-boy's water
trailer business) the PO gives me, YO MAMA, that ole fon
of hissin, he tells them fon store folks to delete my Good
Fon that works in Sweetwater and n-stead connect my number
up to his old discarded piece of junk. So now I can't call
or talk to N-E body from Sweetwater cause I got this piece
of junk and I'm pissed! To top it all off, he didn't have
no book 2 tell me how this piece of junk works and the fon
company ain't got one 4-me either. So then he found the
N-struct-shun book and I started readin it and when I got
to page 3 it tole me how 2 dial and I did and the happy
cheerful voise tole me my fon ain't workin and to call 611
and N-stead I went cross the city N the summer heat and
spended 1 and 1/2 hours with a neanderthal gittin my fon
where it will call out. And vibrate. And ring LOUD and I
damn sure got all the old #s taken out and it B all blank
now like a brand new old phone.
So what do you think 'bout that? Yo Mama wants to no.
fine. My PO saw his sonny-boy with a new phone niser than
the PO's fon. So what the hell did he do? What eny red
blooded PO would do, Big Man of authority, keeper of the
funds, hot shot man 'bout town. What did he do? He went
missing and ended up at the Cingular spot and got his-self
a new fon, jes like baby-boy has. Then - to jus-t-fy his
reckless spendin (cause baby boy is Rich and Daddy is not,
he is poor cause he puts all his money N-2 baby-boy's water
trailer business) the PO gives me, YO MAMA, that ole fon
of hissin, he tells them fon store folks to delete my Good
Fon that works in Sweetwater and n-stead connect my number
up to his old discarded piece of junk. So now I can't call
or talk to N-E body from Sweetwater cause I got this piece
of junk and I'm pissed! To top it all off, he didn't have
no book 2 tell me how this piece of junk works and the fon
company ain't got one 4-me either. So then he found the
N-struct-shun book and I started readin it and when I got
to page 3 it tole me how 2 dial and I did and the happy
cheerful voise tole me my fon ain't workin and to call 611
and N-stead I went cross the city N the summer heat and
spended 1 and 1/2 hours with a neanderthal gittin my fon
where it will call out. And vibrate. And ring LOUD and I
damn sure got all the old #s taken out and it B all blank
now like a brand new old phone.
So what do you think 'bout that? Yo Mama wants to no.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
On to Something New:
Fatty Ponders
In our quaint armpit of the world, we have had a sudden outbreak of male flashers. Not here in the little village where I pay my lawn and mow my taxes, but in the big ol so-fist-er-kated and thriving met-rop-ee-lis just down the road.
Maybe it's because of the late July heat. Maybe it's because they done finished that sixth Harry Potter book already and just don't know how they're gonna wait two years for the final installment. Maybe it's because they're frustrated over the news that Brad was emotionally unfaithful to Jen. I have no clue why, but men down here have decided to just go ahead and drop their pants.
Both of these things happened last week:
1. A man was arrested for going on a peety-peeking spree and exposing himself to something like a dozen women and one Krispy Kreme donut store clerk.
2. Another guy was arrested for first, trying to run down another guy that he knew with his vehicle...second, then jumping out of the car and exposing himself...and third, then trying to beat the other guy up.
Now, I'd like to especially ponder over the second guy. What the hell was he thinking? "Hey, I better not run him over cause then that'd be murder but you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gone jump out of this truck and show ol Freddie my business and then I'm gonna whoop his ass!" Now, who thinks like that? Is is really so smart to get in a fist fight with your johnson in the wind? Wouldn't that be just like a big ol tag hanging out with an announcement saying "Yank me real hard and you'll win the fight!" And why would he want to show the other guy his tiny totum anyway? Apparently they were aquaintances from way back and had been arguing. Wouldn't the other guy have been likely to already have seen his willie in the restroom or in the shower at the gym? WHAT WAS THE POINT? "Look at me! I've got a monster in my pants and now I'm gonna go postal on ya!" I just don't get it. If I were going to get in a cat fight with a fat woman in a tight t-shirt that said "Hottie" on the front in glitter writing, I would NOT first yell "take a look at these chi-chi's baby!" nor would I expect that flashing my slightly off-center Brazillian landing strip would in any way intimidate my opponent...
Now back to the topic of flashing in general. Why is it that men are always the flashers? Does it go back to Freud? Do men think that women really just want to get a good look at what having one of them hoses is all about? What goes through their heads as they prepare to flash and run? "I think I'll show 'em how it hangs and then they'll scream like granny on a roller coaster!"? Do they then go home and fantasize about all the mayhem that they and their little mini-me's just caused?
Of course, I know why there are never any women put in jail for flashing. Because when a woman flashes someone, no one calls the cops...instead, she gets beads thrown at her or a free drink from the bar or a ride to the 7-11.
I'm sure there's some interesting and complex psych-uh-lodge-cal explanation for men who go around throwing out quick shots of their vienners, but couldn't they just get a hobby instead?
Maybe it's because of the late July heat. Maybe it's because they done finished that sixth Harry Potter book already and just don't know how they're gonna wait two years for the final installment. Maybe it's because they're frustrated over the news that Brad was emotionally unfaithful to Jen. I have no clue why, but men down here have decided to just go ahead and drop their pants.
Both of these things happened last week:
1. A man was arrested for going on a peety-peeking spree and exposing himself to something like a dozen women and one Krispy Kreme donut store clerk.
2. Another guy was arrested for first, trying to run down another guy that he knew with his vehicle...second, then jumping out of the car and exposing himself...and third, then trying to beat the other guy up.
Now, I'd like to especially ponder over the second guy. What the hell was he thinking? "Hey, I better not run him over cause then that'd be murder but you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gone jump out of this truck and show ol Freddie my business and then I'm gonna whoop his ass!" Now, who thinks like that? Is is really so smart to get in a fist fight with your johnson in the wind? Wouldn't that be just like a big ol tag hanging out with an announcement saying "Yank me real hard and you'll win the fight!" And why would he want to show the other guy his tiny totum anyway? Apparently they were aquaintances from way back and had been arguing. Wouldn't the other guy have been likely to already have seen his willie in the restroom or in the shower at the gym? WHAT WAS THE POINT? "Look at me! I've got a monster in my pants and now I'm gonna go postal on ya!" I just don't get it. If I were going to get in a cat fight with a fat woman in a tight t-shirt that said "Hottie" on the front in glitter writing, I would NOT first yell "take a look at these chi-chi's baby!" nor would I expect that flashing my slightly off-center Brazillian landing strip would in any way intimidate my opponent...
Now back to the topic of flashing in general. Why is it that men are always the flashers? Does it go back to Freud? Do men think that women really just want to get a good look at what having one of them hoses is all about? What goes through their heads as they prepare to flash and run? "I think I'll show 'em how it hangs and then they'll scream like granny on a roller coaster!"? Do they then go home and fantasize about all the mayhem that they and their little mini-me's just caused?
Of course, I know why there are never any women put in jail for flashing. Because when a woman flashes someone, no one calls the cops...instead, she gets beads thrown at her or a free drink from the bar or a ride to the 7-11.
I'm sure there's some interesting and complex psych-uh-lodge-cal explanation for men who go around throwing out quick shots of their vienners, but couldn't they just get a hobby instead?
Fatty’s Got a Gripe:
I Hate Authoritarian Know-It-All’s
And No, My Wedding Dress Does Not Zip Anymore, Thanks to the Two Children Who Expanded My Rib Cage by THREE INCHES
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.
Now, let’s now forget that I have given up ‘crappin’ in favor of this, my digital diary, so once again, for pos-tear-tea’s sake, I’ve just got to speak my mind. With a necessary layer of generalization intended to protect the guilty, I’ve got to say that I hate people who lead with the “I know better than you” attitude.
This could apply to the oft-maligned and always deserving GT hags of the world, to the smart ass DPS ossifer who stopped me for going 72 in a 70 zone, to the "I'm a RedNeck County native and you're not" backwoods goofballs, and to other generally thoughtless humans who think they can make decisions without even consulting the poor idiots in their midst. The attitude I’m talking about is one where the Authority thinks that he or she is the “inspired one,” the only one capable of thinking of “big ideas” and that those “worker bees” around him/her are too dumb, too young, too inexperienced, too knock-kneed, or too bucktoothed to possibly have an interest in being a cooperative part of the decision making, even if that decision is going to smack dab damn skippy affect-in-a-big-way that poor buck toothed, cock eyed underling who somehow got in the way. And what recourse does the underling have but to SUCK IT UP and TAKE IT, because the Authority made the decision and who are you to even think you might like to join the conversation anyway? So much for flippin’ modern open communication techniques.
I write this not just confuse the hell out of everyone else but also just for the record, because I’ll look back on this one day, when I’m 85 and still working because social security went bankrupt and I’ll still need money to feed my Sudafed and stool softener habit, and so I’ll be the head grocery bagger at the Kroger, and I’ll have to manage the other grocery baggers and I will need to remember that when I think all the baggers should start doing this, that, or the other, I should probably remember back to when I was young and stupid and getting pushed around by the Authority and I will go to those damn baggers and ask ‘em what the hell they think about the matter.
Then maybe they won’t write about ME on their BLOGS.
And who made me this way, anyway? Mama, why didn't you raise me to just shut up and take it? Where did I get this rebellious streak that has no respect for such smart ass holier-than-thou egos? I have a feeling I know (the B-man). Regarless, I feel better for just gettin' that out of my system.
Monday, August 01, 2005
Fatty:
How I Spent My Summer Vacation...
...With my butt in the water and a beer in my hand, and a big sign on my back that says, "Shut up, I am reading."
Bumpus and Boudreaux:
How We Spent Our Summer Vacation...
...Sticking it to the GT MAN and pretending we don't know Rufus, because we're broke and don't have any more cash for bailing him out of the hoose-cow.
Rufus:
How I Spent My Summer Vacation...
...Pickin' up hot chicks, shootin' guns, and flippin' the bird at all those fat ass drunk red necks with man-boobs who were clogging up the river.
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