Get Out the Blow Torch - My Shoulder is Frozen!!!

After about 4 months of shoulder pain, an MRI, several sets of X-Rays, injections with a 5 inch needle into my shoulder, and several types of drugs, the Orthopedic Hunk told me today that my shoulder was frozen. He then took out a very fancy prescription pad and prescribed some rehab for me (maybe I could move into Ridgecrest) and also prescribed me my VERY OWN shoulder rehab kit (whatever the hell that is - I think it involves some pulleys). I told him that frozen shoulders seem to run in the family and that my very own muther had been a victim of the icy disease. He told me that hopefully I would not have to have the same arm wrenching treatment that my muther had endured - he thinks that jerking on some pulleys will make me feel much better in a FEW MONTHS. The good news is that this is the first medical clinic I have ever been in that had NO FEMALE NURSES - they were all guys about 30 years old, 6'2" and very handsome. I think my shoulder might hurt for a very long time........

WWYD

Another afternoon it wuz at the dock yestiddy. Yo Mama
had been in the galley mos de afternoon a-choppin and
a-gratin 'n a-slycin 'n arrangin so as 2 have what we do
call Baggies Enchiladas 2 includ the man callet Howard
4 dinner, corectly known as supper. When a voice from the
skies tolt me 2 take a break. I wuz a-standin out there on
the dock a-talking to varius strangers when The Kaptain came
a stormin out the door and ran 4 the upper level a-yelling
thet the terlet (being HIS) had overflowt and he had a flood
on his floor. (He was a-goin to get dirty towels to mop it
all up with). Well, that terlet room at best measures 3 1/2'
by 2 1/2',wall to wall, 'n iffin U take out the cabinet and
terlet furniture U has a floor spase bout 2' x 18", hardle
beg nuf to accomodate 1, much less 2 bodies the sizes of ours.
N E way it weren't my pooper paper put n-2 that terlet in
x-cess amount to kause that flood 2-B Praise the Lord for small
favers. So I jes stayed on the dock a-talkin bout nuthin to
strangers when bout that time The Kaptain comes a-running out
the door with sum wet towels yellin things like, "thanks, jes
thanks alot 4 all ur help", "sur was nise that U came to help
me", "the g.d. terlet flooded the whole boat 'n U weren't there
to help me". I kin assure U thet the strangers on the dock
didn't no what to think. Me neither cept I knowed nuf to jes
keep my mouth zipped. 2 make myself look better 2 the strangers
on the dock, I got on the flooded vessel and stuck my hed in
the door and seid, "kin I help U?" 'n The Kaptain yellet real
loud, "NO, I got it all klean up all by myself". So I went
back up yonder with the strangers and soon The Kaptain had the
FINAL WORD, he opent thet door to the boat and yellet with his
eyebrows raised and his eyes bugging out, "AND WITH NO THANKS
TO YOU" !!!! Everbodie on the dock jest stared and stared.
Suppose them folks wanna n-vite us 2 their 5th-wheel water homes?

He did borry, by the by, jes 4 the records, with no permision,
thet same previously written about pooper pot frum the kitchen
kabinet ...guess I'll have 2 add it 2 his working tools box.

What do ya think? Yo Mama thinks nothin, she jes reports the
news as it happens, jes like on t.v.

Why The Mustard Jar Is On The Table

This b my finality con-tri-bu-tion this Tuesday a.m. but feel
U need 2 no what is goin on here at this island paradise, much
safer place then Aruba, near Belize.

My PO thinks I be lackin in knowin how 2 make a sandwich. So,
I jes decided 2 put the mustard jar on the table and let him fix
my mistakes. Well, I made a grave error yesteddy and put sum
musterd on both slices of his home-made, warmed in the oven,
MOW bread. Nowin in advance thet I didn't do it rite, I also put
the jar with a knife it it on the table in frunt of his tummy 'n
his tidy, blue placemat with used napkin. In no longer then a
minit he wanted to no why I, Yo Mama, had ruint his sammich by
lettin him put more mustert on it. I did it agin, why oh why
kaint I do things rite round here? Will u testify in kourt 4 me
regardin how I truly ain't crazy when he goes to put me away in
a safe place and keep my dog?

Yo Mama and her Tuesday morning delimna

Shall We Gather At The River Or The Beach ?

Jes want the next-of-kin 2 no that The Kaptain of the water based
5th-wheel is workin on the major, major lectric sistem this mornin
and he ain't even turned the big switch off. Probably cause he is
a yankee by birth. Now I kain't be 2 sad, the air-cool sistem is
keeping me kool and the ice maker is a-runnin. But seems to me that
my PO and his no-it-all buddy Howard mite be a-burnin jes like the
cat-crap featured in an earlier blog iffin they take one tiny bad
turn of the rubber handle tool. Stan by for news of when and where
we will be gatherin at the river for a ceremony.

Yo Mama is sittin by

Yo Mama Has Her Boobs Upheld

Yo Mama is writin to let Fatty no that I remembered to put on my bra
this mornin rather than friten the neighbors on the dock-of-our-choice.
Sumtime I jes put on another nitie on top of my current-in-use nitie
to take ur sister Lucy P. Jones to poop 'n when I do that I don't stop
long nuf to add a booby support. U will 1-day no what I mean 'n not
even think bout airing out the girls 4 fear they mite jes fall off.
Sur wouldn't go half-neked at sin city, nown as L.V., and lay my girls
on the blackjack table as I swear 2 Bahia thet I saw happen sum years
ago when I wuz yung and foolish and havin fun there. My PO has a woman
nown as ex#5 who has big-'uns. long and droopy, and she never wears a
booby uplift, n-stead she wears brown or black men's socks with her
hippie sandals. Praise the Lord she has moved her butt to the western
coast of what is nown as Florida. So that is what I have 2 say regarding
boobs 2-day

The words of Yo Mama in black 'n white

Yo Bahama Mama Recommends It !!!

Yo Mama has n-vented sumthin that U will want to no
as soon as U git this. The very best thing 2 help U
ig-nore children and PO's and cats poop and such is:

Crystal Light Raspberry Peach beverage mix. It is
loaded with calcium. Dr. Livesay mite want 2 no bout
this amazing discovery too. Mix a little bucket of
this stuff with a little less water than recommended.

Pour ur-self a healthy swig of Coconut Rum (Bacardi
COCO is mitey fine) and fill 'er up with Raspberry
Peach mix. U will delite in what U have done.

Bacardi sez "More flavor and more fun with every
pour" and they requests U "enjoy our products
responsibly". Thet is good advise.

Wun of the nisest things bout this refreshing drink
is thet the COCO Rum is colorless and no body, not
even ur PO, kin tell what you got goin.

With luv to you from Yo Mama

Where will YOU be at midnight tonight?

Just a wonderin' where are the dysFUNctional people are going to be at midnight tonight? Is El Capitan (aka the P.O.) gassing up the boat and heading for the nearest bookstore in the Bahamas to participate in the Harry Potter midnight party???? (he might if he knew they were serving cookies and punch, except he wouldn't want anyone watching him eat the cookies). I KNOW that my east texas hillbilly cousins will be out past curfew as will the west texas contingency. Tomorrow the land yacht heads off to even further west texas with the three boys in tow. The girl child will be taking the Sunday a.m. limo to west texas along with her other giggling teenage friends. I will be making the trip with headphones on (but no music coming out) and my new HAIRY POTTIE book in tow. This afternoon I am making the LONG trek to Dallas and back to pick up Katie from the Baptist Prison Encampment. I plan on doing any necessary deprogramming on the trip back home......Hopefully she and Carrie Beth had a good time without joining the Baptist church. I am NOT taking my computer on vacation having told all those different people that I work for that they will just have to without me for a week - what a liberating feeling!! Therefore, I am already suffering withdrawels from my dyFUNctional friends, but I will be sure to give a full report when we get back (if I come back - I am seriously considering joining the Big Mamas Topless Revue in Vegas since I truly do like to "shake what my mama gave me").

I except some INTERESTING reports from the other dysFUNctional members when I return!!

Viva Las Vegas!!!!

Cat-Crap

Beau-ti-ful Woman in Trendy Style Hat

05 June 8 staniel pink hat
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Yo Mama is gittin week in the brain because the PO is leanin heavy on my thinkin, but how did sumbody-I-won't-call-any-names see my pitcher be-4 I published same and make a smarty remark about my bra strap a-showin. I jes want ya to no thet it weren't the same bra sumbody-I-won't-call-any-names dug and rooted arount in my bed and found my very-fine-dog's bra and bone faverite toy and made fun of same.

Yo Mama be standin by 4 a reasonable and fashionable answer acceptable in polite company

Woman in work hat labors cheap

Woman in work hat labors cheap
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

You probly B thinking that Yo Mama don't do much but just sit around going yachting but I wanna tell you a new story bout all that sorta stuff. There I wuz last p.m. with my arms in dish soap up to my elbows when The Kaptain of the vessel-of-the-year said, "git me 1 or 2 cookies". An I said, "here is the package". An he got real agitated and sez "I don't like to get cookies out of a sack with the dog watchin me so YOU get 1 or 2 cookies out for me". An I sez, "ONE OR TWO", as I dried off my soapy arms. And he sez "give me 1 and I'll let you know if I want 2" and I jes tossed 2 cookies at him and took the dog, so she couldnt't watch him eatin cookies, and went outside and laid down on the front of the boat. Now, it ain't like I just be sittin and pickin my nose, and ain't like I don't wash loads and loads of smelly clothes, wearing my washer-woman-in-the-isles hat. Dog watches me do that stuff, what the h--- does it matter if the dog watches him git cookies out of a package. I got a neighborin friend by the name of Howard and this morning he sez, "why you lying down on the deck las nite" and I jest sez, "U would not unnerstant or believe it iffin I tole you.

Yo Mama want to no iffin U unnerstand

Roaches of the world, kum 'n get it

My Kaptain of All the World, who knows most everything there is 2 know bout anything sez paper napkins are not 2 B thrown away after each meal. We has to keep 'em and keep 'em til they become good diet support - ruint yur appetite when you set down to an-other luvely home prepared meal by the smilin, gracious and expert cooker on the boat-of-the-year. 'N then, when they bekum naste enuf, he takes 'em and polishes stuff with 'em, like the hinges on the frig-er-ator and freeze box. I bet them roaches on other people's boats kin smell that good stuff setting now on my hinges and kin hardley wait for nite time. Todays offerins on them hinges is mayo, musterd, sweet pickle relish, cookie, oatmeal, brown sugar, milk.

Do U suppose ur mama has been locked up 2 long with her PO, I mean, think bout this. I been sittin within his vision sence May 26 x-cept for my 2 day time off 4 good behavior when he went boat shoppin one more time. And then he wanted me setting by the phone so he could call me 'n see what I thought bout nothin.

Opinions are solicited.

Yo Mama wrote this all by herself

Well Wipe My Butt....We Got a Fan!!!!

I know about red….
I know about pink….
I really don’t care
What others may think.
I know about green….
I know about brown….
Isn’t it the color I’m supposed to flush down?
I know about gold….
Though I’m a little puzzled by blue….
But what in the heck am I supposed to do
When I look in the toilet and see purple poo?????

PERIODIC BLOG SURVEY

Hey all you blog lurkers out there (we know you are there) - time for our periodic blog survey. If you visit this blog on a frequent (or infrequent) basis, please take a little time and let us know what you think by posting a comment. Please also let us know where you are from and how you found our dysFUNctional blog.

Thanks,

The Management

(aka Fatty and Cat-Crap)

Who Needs Legos, When You Have a Cow Pelvis?

Yes, You CAN Go Home Again
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Another equation:

10 rural Texas chil-run
+
1 walk in the woods
+
~40 ancient, bleached out cow bones
=
One hoppin' good time.

Has anyone here seen Lord of the Rings? I think that those Ring Wraith people's masks were modelled after cow pelvi.

This photo hints at all sorts of "head up the ass" and "bovine pornography" issues, but I won't go there. I'm still stuck on analog.

Find This on Your Doorstep?

Too Many Jalepenos, Senor?
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

In East Texas, we like to try lightin' various and assundry items ablaze, sort of like a roll hillbilly laboratory of love.

I won't tell you what this is, but I will tell you that prior to this burning ring of fire, we set off two chickens, two roosters, and several cats. Those cats made so much noise that the Devil himself hid under the bed.

All of which reminds me...

FOR SALE: ONE ROBOTIC BUTT BOX
PRICE: FREE
REASON: Apparently my cats generate immobile clumps o kittycrete because the RBB scooper consistently got stuck.

WHAT NEXT? We have now moved on to the big tub with the lid with the hole cut out of the top. When the grumpy pusses are in it, they look like they are driving a Yugo with the sunroof open.

THANK YOU, Cat Crap, for your robotic and analog butt box wisdom.

(Analog...I really meant that as a way of saying "old fashioned," but once I typed it, I realized that it held other metaphorical significance as well!)

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!

U R n-vited to bring young'ns for chix tonite
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

COUNT US IN!

That's TWO for chicken fingers, ONE for livers, and ONE for a 40 ounce Corona with lime.

EVER WUNDER WHAT THIS B 4 ?

EVER WUNDER WHAT THIS B 4 ?
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Do U no what this B? It be the spot where U gets pooper out of ur facility and gets rid of it 1 way or nother. Now Yo Mama may be old and grey of head and missin the boat sumtimes with her thinking but The Kaptain shore did put his hose in it this very morning.
We wuz tied up at the fuel dock and he was a-fillin his diesel gas tank and it only took 13.9 gallons and he a-started a-jumpin up and down that it B WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. That tank was M-T more than thet. Each 1 of 2 holds 300 gallons. So he went to tother side of thet boat and put in almost hunderet gallons. His smarter buddy by name of Howard looked at that 1st fuel hole and it weren't for diesel it was for emptying poop. OUR Kaptain had put 13.9 gallons of diesel fuel @ somewhere neer 4.00 a gallon in ther with all that poop. Whewy Whewy wuz he ever distraut. Would have thot since he be a WW2 pilot he wood've nown the differentation between poop and fuel. We had 2 go then a l-o-n-g way off n-2 the ocean to dump that poopy stuff. Wisht 4 you. Nex time we hope he be reading the little lids that say DIESEL and HOLDING TANK and B nowing the difference. The crowning blow wuz when he finalee said "I wundert why that fuel hose was 2 big 4 that hole in the floor".

Yo Mama has taken to her bed and onct
again sent The Kaptain and his best frend named Howard to the next island for the afternoon. I B needin a nap B-4 the evening festivities get goin.

Yo Mama has testified the truth, as Howard is my witness.

4 GALLONS AND COUNTING........

Yep, anyone out there have a hankerin for some ice cream just stop over at my place. So far I have purchased EIGHT cartons of Blue Bell on the Wal-Mart 2/$5.00 sale. Your flavor choices include:

2 - Homemade vanilla (of course)
2 - Cookie Dough (for the 14 and under crowd)
1 - Strawberries and Cream
1 - Key lime pie
1 - Triple Chocolate
1 - Cookies n' Cream


There is a new flavor called Peanut Butter and Jelly which I thought FOR SURE someone at my house would want, but alas it was pronounced unacceptable.

I will be going back tomorrow for more........am keeping my fingers crossed for Coconut Cream Pie

BORN 2 B A BEAST OF BURDEN

BORN 2 B A BEAST OF BURDEN
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Man is not useless, he just needs some direction. N this kase, a lotta di-rec-shun, like hold onto the pink purse and pull the groceries 2 the boat. Does a good job too, even loads 'em on the boat, then off the boat and then the nex time U C him he is wolfing down them groceries. Got us a kart to make my life easier, the pullin of that kart is what does it.

Yo Mama says, don't let them men be useless, just harness 'em to the load and point 'em in the right direction.

New on the market, are U canning it at home?

New on the market, are U canning it at home?
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

What the h--- is goin on, my daughters gotta nuf green stuff to run a major faktery and here these folks of the Bahia Bahia are collectin, savin, cannin and selling this valuable stuff that we alredy got plenty of. Seems my almost-college-graduate and her baby sister the muther of Rufus and the stage prodigy, them daughters also known as "useless", could be puttin there minds and fingers 2 work producin a product much in demand by uthers. Want U to no I paid $5 American for this carmex size shit.

Yo Mama has spoken again

Clean and dry, clean and dry

Clean and dry, clean and dry
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Yo Mama don't hide her undies under the sheets and she don't hang on hooks to air out overnight. It was a BIG day on Wed. when my PO flew on a tacky little plane to his place of office to buy a bigger boat. Seems this 1 has the ice machine in an uncomfy spot and he wants more room to yell and scream.
Whilst he wuz gone I took the undies to
the big new machine to make 'em clean
and then spread 'em all over his bunk to dry. Sure wuz fun in the nite to wake up and stead of a grey head over there I be seeing lots of clean undies.
Rufus should be proud, I ain't useless.

Yo Mama has spoken

LUNCH BE-N SERVT AT NOON 2-DAY 4 ALL

I jes be servin notice that at noon 2-day there be
a cook-in with plente for all. It all started las
nite, when company be here, jes finishing up some
mitey good fried fresh red snapper fillets when The
Captain herd a strange noise. He jumpt to his poor
achin feet and ran for the hole-n-the-floor that
leads to (those willin to take the leap) what men-
of-the-water rever as The Engine Room. From there
he lept to the afterward stairs and strate to his
personal toilet room. I herd a scream and water
was ever-where. He then ran 4 my cooking pot
drawer and grabbed my favorite and only little
stewing pan and heded bak to the toilet room.
Seems Somebody (his terlet room) had put 2 much
paper in the facility and it stopped up and
was running over everwhere. Used my Favoite Little
Stewing Pot to dip that water out of the terlet.
YUK YUK YUK. The pot was returnet to the kitchen
and I keep lookin at it wundering just what to do.
So decided to make crap-wee soup. Wanna join us
4 lunch? Plente for all.

Took me back to WW2 when that famus man known as
Buda had an ole Studebaker car asitting in the
bak yard. Was the car he hauled off the 16 cats
in that day. Whenever he desided to change the
oil in thet ole car he would sneak in-2 the G-
Womans kitchen and get his faverite oil changin
pot and run 4 the yard. When the pan would show
up again the G-Woman would have a screamin-n-yellin
fit over it all. You no that pan 2-day as Buda's
popcorn pan, still setting in the G-Woman's cabnet
and is now round on the bottom stead of flat like
my now used-2-B-faveret stewing pan.

You may not believe yo mama, but thet was the very
cat delivery car that we wus cuming bak from
Galveston-on-the-ocean in 1 day when we had a big
damn blow-out of big proportions to 1 of the tires.
Buda looket it over and then jes got bak in the car
and we rode all the way home on the rim. Sure was
a bumpy ride and we got lots of looks from those
who past us. Dudden seem like Buda has been with
the Lord for sum 9 years now.

Youse girls need to get sum locks 4 ur cabenets
b-4 it is too late.

May-B Rufus cud tell the crap-wee stew storey
at bible kamp this week.

It is Proven: Cheese and Corn Dogs are Indeed Brain Food

Yes, today the official notifications came from the Texas Tech testing center........Matthew received a 97 on the 1st semester of 6th grade math and a 100 on the second semester. Now, don't go to thinkin' that us hillbillies out here in West Texas have a different math standard by which we live - that test was O-FISH-ALL!!!! Now let's just see what the school has to say, and what plan they can come up with for his class schedule for next year....

Another slap in the face for the GT Hags of the world.

Long live cheese and corndogs.......

Vampire? No. Splay-Footed? Yes.

The Devil Doth Reflect...
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

The Final Countdown: Part II

LICK-UH-DOO-ZEEEEEEE!
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

4: Number of times yon weary travellers were caught in the i-stream ("idiot stream": (def.) convergence of numerous unqualified heads-up-their-asses drivers in one stretch of highway, usually one lane going each way with no safety division zone whatsoever and usually being led by a "dammit the signs may say 70 but I'm from back in the day and I'll go not one inch over 60 and protect you all from yourselves since I know better" card carrying i-stream representative)

3: Number of pee stops on the journey home.

2: Number of times the emergency glass extraction technique had to be deployed due to Depressed dwarves ripping one in the back seat.

2: Number of ear infections treated.

1: Number of reports from Mama and her PO. Question: if you shoot a swimmin' pig for dinner will it sink before you can get your bass boat over to pick it up?

1: Number of new frozen treats discovered on the trip. Called: Lick-a-doozie. Shortcoming: Does not vibrate.

The Final Countdown: Part I

Hay-nuss A-nuss
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Newsweek or Time or one of those magazines that uses all the big words does a "by the numbers" sort of thing in each issue that presents statistics related to the recent news. I thought I would do the same for Fatty, Boudreaux, Rufus, and the Devil Dog Go to Drama Camp:

764: pages read by Fatty since she had no TV, phone, or consistent computer connection (I LOVE that!)

550: mileage driven between East and West Tex-us. Why do you people tawlk so funny out ther-uh?

201: pages of Harry Potter read by Boudreaux over a three-day period (take that you GT HAG!)

72: Number of times "are we there yet?" was uttered.

40: Approximate number of Jeeps spotted on to- and from- journeys. Most of these were east of I-35. 0: Number of Jeeps whose doors did not match their body paint (!).

22: Number of minutes required to weave through the normally deserted-because-everyone-is-at-the-corner-stop-in-breeding-with-their-bucktoothed-cousins-town, which has only one flashing yellow light. Reason for delay: annual polish pickle festival.

16: Number of rectal flatulation episodes instigated by Sir Haynuss del Hades and requiring the quick infusion of fresh oxygen through the emergency vehicle glass retraction man-oo-ver.