Magoo and Her Yo-gee

This is such an amazing time of development, the time when they start learning words. It seems like Rufus has talked since before I was born, so getting to witness this growth again with Magoo is very special. She now mimicks anything and picks up more words a day than I can count, although her speech is still underdeveloped, so sometimes she has to say the word over and over and then point before her poor, dumb mama actually catches on. Thankfully, she is patient with me.

One of her favorite new words is yo-gee. It has two meanings...yogurt and yoga. We can figure out which one it is by where she is standing, pointing, and yelling. If she is in front of the icebox, then we know it's yogurt. In front of the TV is yoga. (I gave myself a Wii balance board for my birthday, and it came with Wii Fit, which includes yoga poses.) Here are pictures of Magoo in her bathing suit and cowboy hat demonstrating her favorite yo-gees: the tree and the warrior.

She Can't Hold Her Licker

You will notice a trend in the House de la Magoo...she cannot hold her licker either. In fact, we are in a lick-but-don't-eat ritual at the breakfast/brunch/lunch/dinner/supper table.

Maybe this, along with frequent yo-gee, is how smart women stay skinny? I wouldn't know.

In the photo, she is licking the syrup off of her pancake plate. This was after she picked up each chunk of pancake, sucked the syrup off, then put the blob of soggy dough back in a neat pile on her plate.

Boudreaux Turns 10!...Again

Somehow, a festive birthday celebrated by pancakes in the pineywoods and capped off with the purchase of Il Penguini, the camping AC, is not quite enough to make these modern 10 year olds feel loved and appreciated. They want a pizza-and-wii orgy. So we gathered up four out of the five bestest buddies (#5 was out of town), went to Sam's for three huge take-and-bake pizzas, stripped the living room of anything Amish, gave Rufus the old "you have to be patient...your birthday will come soon" peptalk, stirred the big blue jello shot known as the Walmart pool, made a gallon of koolade, and got down to business.

In a move that signaled the G-woman herself was smiling down from heaven and bestowing approval without even thinking about it, Boudreaux requested Boston Cream Pie cupcakes for his official celebration. Photos below provide a glimpse of the festivities...

Notice the small girlchild right at home in the middle of all the boys...

Mom makes yet another smart-assed comment to Boudreaux.
The G-Woman smiles down on some very fine BCP cupcakes.

He did not like it when I asked, "Is that your girlfriend?"

Magoo eventually helped herself to three cupcakes, in a heart-felt attempt
to break the Guiness record for most cupcakes licked but never bitten in one sitting.

Poor kids...now they think that cupcakes and a stack of presents are supposed to be a normal part of weekly life...Magoo often runs over to where the gifts were stacked, points up there, and yells "present!" When I hold my hands up and say, "No more presents. All gone!" She gives me the evil eye and yells "MEAN!"

Twenty Steps and about 30 Minutes to Nirvana

Cheese Enchiladas with Chile con Carne

1. put ~1 lb. of ground sirloin or chuck in a skillet and begin to brown
2. add 1-2 Tbs chile powder, 1-2 Tbs onion powder, 1-2 Tbs garlic powder
3. add salt and pepper to taste
4. stir until completely browned
5. pour meat into a colander to drain
6. set the colander back in the skillet you used to brown the meat
7. when the meat is drained, set colander aside.
8. judge how much grease is in the pan--you want about 2 Tbs.
9. discard any extra, but make sure that little bits of meat remain.
10. heat grease and add ~2 Tbs flour
11. stir until a smooth paste has formed
12. add water, stirring quickly with a whisk, until smooth gravy has formed to desired consistency (leave a little bit runny for time in oven)
13. add meat to gravy (I used 1/2 and saved the other 1/2 of the meat for later)
14. heat through until simmering
15. spray 12 corn tortillas with butter-flavored Pam (front and back)
16. microwave in batches of 4, 45 seconds per batch
17. fill with shredded cheddar cheese (~1 lb), roll up, and put in a baking dish, also sprayed with Pam
18. pour meat gravy over enchiladas
19. top with finely chopped onions either now or after baking
20. bake at 375 until bubbly

East Texus Whirlpool

Cheesecake and bubbles are free.

Some People 'n' Other People

Some people take their families to Disney World over yonder towards Yo Mama and give their kids a vacation of a life time. Other people dump ice in the yard and let the kids and the dog to sit in it and cool their jets.

Some people share fun pictures from the most excellent adventure with their life-long friends. Other people drink two large glasses of cheap whine and then take those pictures and get busy photoshoppin'.

Some people got clear bubbles round their heads. Other people got somethin' secret special sauce foggin' their bubble up...ewww. WTH?

Eatin Double Fisted

At a resent event of sum 50 folks
in an outdoor motor-sickle eating
joint, U B proud as a peacock 2 no
that The Kaptain was the ONLY
one who needed dessert and he
wuz prouder than U can imagine
when they brought it 2 him with
2 forks so he could eat that
chocolate pie with lotsa whipped
cream, with both hands going at
the same time. Viva la diet !
Y.M., only an observer, jes along
4 the ride...........

What Is This?

This B a guessing game. It be white, have won door, won winder and it sits next to
my new-next-door-nabors-2-B. It connected to that house over yonder beside me
at the lake. U can open the door, so can the nabors, so can beer drinkers, so can
wet sailing folks, swimmers, yard men, BBQ chefs, roofers, siding installers, all
kinds and sorts of humanity. Have you figgered it out yet???? Scroll on down !

"a few of my favorite things"

This B one of Y.M.'s new Favorite Things. Jes B-cause it not B on MY property if of
no con-c-quence. Can-cha jes C them boyes doing there manly thing and keeping
this little ditty clean for all the nabors? Joy is N my heart. Y.M.

Y. M. Soliciting Assistance

Ever day, cum hell or hi water,
same scene a takin plase in my
house. Thissun with smilin and
happy face, sez, "what R U
plannin for breakfast this morn".
Now - my girlies No - I NOT
planning NOTHING. I bite my
tongue and sez "whaddaya want?"
He sez, "whacha got". I sez, same
ole stuff .........rattle it off...... "got
n.e. bananas?", "nope". "I got chocolate muffins fulla chocolate chip
candy!!!" "Oh boy, that B what I want!" Problem solved, 1 more time.
N.E. Idears .............he don't no how 2 open icebox or take paper off
muffins neither. Makes Y.M. wunder how he survives when I dis -a-
peer to Tejas.

I'll Just Have To Think About That

Big Problem at our house 2-day. Kaptain B trying 2 D-side iffin it cost more to go to naborhood h'ware store and buy a can of spray paint (high
prices most probablee prevale) OR use that high price gaso and go 2 a doller store and hope they mite have sum plain ole white paint to spray a
anchor he B takin to Sailor Man, the local resale store. Seems to Y.M., he outta put that anchor in the car, go to hardware store, buy paint, spray
anchor in parkin lot, then go across street to Sailor man and drop it off. Killin 2 bird with one stone.

The Maiden Voyage, Part 2

Things were going swimmingly until somehow the Skipper and Gilligan managed to turn the little boat COMPLETELY UPSIDE DOWN (the picture does not give a good representation of how the boat ended up) and in the process the steering thing-a-majiggee (the tiller, I think) broke off and sank to the bottom of the lake. There they were, the Skipper and Gilligan, floating around in the lake tryin to turn the boat over. Meanwhile, a very fancy ski boat came over and volunteered to help, but the Skipper being the proud man that he is said NO - I CAN DO IT BY MYSELF (while Gilligan looked longingly at the nice new motorized boat). It took about ten minutes, but finally the boat got turned over and the Skipper and Gilligan threw their bodies over the edge and got back in the thing. Then they had to figure out how to sail it back to shore without the steering thing-a-majiggee and lo and behold they finally accomplished this task. Meanwhile, Ginger (aka ME) was happily sitting on the shore drinking beer and being glad that she was not a passenger on this doomed voyage. The Skipper assures me that the boat will be in ship-shape once he goes to the hardware stores and buys a couple of shovel handles to make a new steering thing-a-majiggee.

The Maiden Voyage

Here are Mike and Matthew on the maiden voyage of our craigslist purchase. I was wise and stayed on the shore to be the official photographer of this momentous occasion. Mike was very proud that his ancient sailing skills resurfaced and he was able to get the thing threaded and knotted and whatever the hell else he had to do to it before it could go on the water. Although the back end of the boat seemed to be dangerously near to being underwater, the little boat took right off and soon the Skipper and Gilligan were zipping across the water.......

August 2005 was Damned Funny, Too

Again, the title is a link.

August brought us a number of excellent episodes in the life of the d-f-f, including...

Rufus flipping the bird at river riding rednecks.
Hairballs from fat ass cats in West Texus.
Hairballs from god knows where over in the East.
Topless cheerleaders.
Gas. Lots of gas.
Fatty in her weddin' dress.
Cat Crap in her weddin' dress.
Yo Mama, with her hair all fancy dyed, in knee socks, a bra, and a long skirt (looking, I might add, like a reject from that LDS cult over near Brownwood...kicked out cause her skirt is slit too high and her hair don't do just right...now trying to get herself a job doing infomercials for Armin Hammer).
Pubbies in the Carmex.
Harry Potter.
A necked boy on a horse.

I got myself a little ab workout and a few Kegels off of that one.

June 2005 was a Very Good Month

(Click on the title above to go back to June 2005. In the archives, not for real, you smart ass.)

Hard to believe that was three years ago. I just had a very fine time reviewing what life was like back then and laughing a little of my jiggly bits off in the process. That was the month of the Hairy Peety Pit. Lots has changed since then.

Rufus Finds a Fair Match

One of the stressful-awkward-interesting-fun things about Rufus getting going with school is that it is a chance for us to meet a whole new set of families. Living in a small town as a "newcomer" (we've lived in this area for over 14 years) is awesome because you get to know "everyone" but without being part of the small-town gossip BS. We just keep our noses out of it as much as we can and so remain on the fringes of the drama.

Boudreaux has been in school long enough that not only does he have an established set of ~6 close friends but also we as parents have made friends with many of those families. Some of those families have kids in the same grade as Rufus, but most of those younger siblings are actually girls, which means that Rufus is making friends outside of this established circle. One such friend is named Lucas. Lucas has an awesome Mom named Margaret, who I like very much. She is fun and smart and has excellent perspective...partially because she is Mom to three boys, ages 8, 10, and 15. Good lord bless her.

Lucas was over playing the other day. He is the one who taught Rufus about loving Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple. They are brothers in '70s rock. Margaret told me this hilarious story that I had to record for posterior.

Margaret had sent Lucas to his grandma's house. Lucas and grandma had decided to go Christmas shopping, to buy something for Margaret from her son. Suddenly, Margaret received a phone call, with her Mom (grandma) frantically whispering on the other end.

G: "I have a very odd question that I need to ask you."

M: "Okay...?"

G: "Do you need some new underwear?"

M: "Uh, no. I just bought some last month when they were on sale. I have plenty of underwear..........but that is a very strange question. Why are you asking me that?"

G: "Because Lucas is determined that he must buy you some new underwear for Christmas."

M: "Why would he care about buying me underwear for Christmas?"

G: "He is insistent. He says that all your underwear are worn out...that they are 'broken' and 'the butts have fallen out.'"

Margaret wears thongs.

Goozie Magoo Done Turned Two

Today, the precious, peachy, prancing, princess of East Texus and general queen of the house turned two years old. She is a sweet, sweet little pumpkin, except when she is screaming "no," "mine," or "hobbit" in the Exorcist voice that Rufus taught her.

We had a simple party. Bumpus's parents came over for dinner, cupcakes, and presents. Thank you, Yo Mama, for adding to the pile.

The big present was a wooden kitchen that came in a box as 7,842 pieces and that I, Fatty-Who-Loves-a-Good-Screw driver, put together from 11 PM to 2 AM on the night of my own 78th birthday. I am happy to announce that the kitchen has NO COMPUTER CHIPS and makes NO NOISE. Score one for the Amish in East Texus!

Since the kitchen was the it-gift, we had to stock that puppy with some supplies. Magoo got some Melissa and Doug wooden food that attaches with velcro and comes with a knife so she can (1) practice cutting up nutritious meals to feed her growing passle of babies and (2) run screaming through the house wielding the knife against Rufus like some director's cut scene out of Psycho.

I made some home made cupcakes (no boxed mix even! Go Fatty!), vanilla with vanilla buttercream icing, and piped flowers on the top. After running to pee (three kids, no control), I came back to find Magoo sitting at the table, happily eating one of the them. Thankfully, I still had enough to fill up the "cake cake" tree.

Here she is showing off one of her favorite hand gestures. She can say that she is two, including the word, but she has to put her two index fingers together. Something about pinning down those other two pesky digits with your thumb is difficult at this age. If she is feeling frisky, then she indicates her age by holding up double thumbs. We know where this one is going to school...

After dinner and cupcakes came the shredding of the paper. With the boys, I remember them not caring what was in the boxes--they only wanted to rip them open like frogs in a biology lab, only to toss them aside and grab for the next. Sweet Magoo wanted to explore each present, and I felt bad having to say, "No! Open more. You can look later!"

Yo Mama sent a very fine box of red-themed goodies. The skirt was immediately donned. Magoo then climbed up on the kitchen table and proceeded to shake her butt in our faces. Now this sounds more like one of those college parties Aunt Choc used to go to...

Ye Old Harvest Hath Proven Fruitful: So Start Fryin' the Bacon

Ha on your Mr. FDA Man and Mr. I-Put-My-EColi-On-Yer-Maters-Freak! The garden done started shellin' out the good stuff. Next time you see me, I will look like Violet Boreaguard (the one on Willie Wonka who blew up like a blueberry), only I'll be scarlet red.

Notice the average sized soup spoon for scaling.

Those are cucumbers on the left. They are actually a pickling variety but grow easily and have great flavor. I don't pickle anything 'cept myself, so we just eat them in salads.

On the right is little packets of chocolates, just to make sure I have all the food groups covered.

Slip Slidin' AwayAnd No, I Hadn't Been Drinking

Fatty's Foolish Step #1:
Get out the three-lane slip 'n' slide.

Fatty's Foolish Step #2:
Figger out that you can run at the slip 'n' slide and throw your body on a cheap blow-up tube and fly all the way to the end of the runway.

Fatty's Foolish Step #3:
Decide that she's not too old or fat or inflexible to give #2 a try herself.

Showing Our Muscles
They took a picture of me doing the same.
Thank God for the delete button.

Boudreaux's Flying Leap: ONWARD FINE FELLOW!

No surprise how Rufus's trip turned up.


Proof of Fatty's Bad Decision.
I should also post a photo of a large dose of Advil here.
For the smart asses out there: yes, I am moving, and yes, I made it to the end.

Chokes 'n' Maters

This year our garden has been very pretty! I even sneaked in some weed spray on the aisles, so we don't have to weed it much. We've had lots of squash and cucumbers, some Japanese eggplant, and some okra. The asparagus plants are coming along (too young to harvest much). Our tomato plants are so heavy with fruit that many of them have fallen over but are still growing. But the big surprise was that we had an artichoke emerge! It is really too hot to grow these here, but we gave them a chance. Unfortunately, when I was trimming it to steam it, the artichoke had a ring of rot in the middle. :(

Much Cooler than When He Was Nine:Boudreaux Turns 10!

My Life with Larry, Mo, and Girly

Last Thursday morning, I...a lone, brave, naive, and falsely optimistic mother of 3...loaded up the pop-up camper and took off for a state park about two hours from home. Bumpus couldn't join us immediately because he had to work, but we were meeting two families at the park for some lovely fun in the 30 mph sustained winds and the 95+ degree temperatures.

The trip was easy, and the good news was that the wind couldn't penetrate that dense piney wood forest. The bad news was that the wind couldn't penetrate that dense piney wood forest, but the heat and humidity had no trouble.

Of course, the other two families had lovely newer RVs--one hard sided bumper pull and one pop-up with a slide out. Yes, both had air conditioners. What kind of fool family goes camping in Texas after about April 1 without an AC? That's right. My family. We love our pop-up, which is now 19 years old, according to the 1989 manufacturing date on the door jam. It is simple and light and easy. And hot as hell.


One of the other families, feeling a heap o' guilt over the pitiful (and sweaty) single mother-of-many, lent us a really nice high-powered fan, and sometime around 4 AM, it did get a little cooler, but basically, although we were having a fun time, we were pretty miserable, with no hope for an AC escape. We even saw plain tents on the ground that people had cut holes in the side for a window unit. I love that East Texus injun-ooooooo-ity.

While we were on this adventure, Boudreaux had his 10th birthday. There's a humbling date for a mom. Double digits. He is a great kid--very good with his little sister even if he is getting a little mouthy with me.

I, in my infinitely loving and typical ways, had stuffed his birthday presents into a large Huggies diaper box and taped it shut. As we were packing for the trip, I kept yelling that we better not forget the diapers. Thankfully, Bumpus brought the diapers with him when he drove over Friday night.

Saturday morning, as I cooked breakfast, we made Boudreaux go get the diaper box and then I informed him that since he was now 10 years old, he was ready to start helping me change Magoo's dirty diapers. He didn't look pleased but he also had a look on his face like he knew I was up to my normal b.s. He opened the box and was excited to find birthday loot. Later on, we celebrated by turning two chocolate cupcakes into wax-topped bonfires.

The other way we celebrated, of course, was by going to Wal-Mart--a local one near the state park. Isn't that how everybody celebrates important holidays? Hello? Low prices EVERY DAY. Who can resist? While we were there, Bumpus and I meandered over to the AC aisle. We have been arguing over the past two years because I wanted to cut a hole in our popup and stick a window unit in it. He said that was just one big step too far into East Texus for him. Damn conservative.

But this time, fate was with us. In celebration of Boudreaux's 10th, my 30-somethingth, Magoo's 2nd, and Father's Day (all of which happen in the first 1/2 of June), we BOUGHT AN AC for the pop-up! It is a free-standing unit that cools, de-humidifies, and (should we ever camp in the winter) heats. Saturday night was the best camping night of my life...yet.

Mark the Date:June 6, 2008Fatty Stood Up to Rufus and Told Him NO!

Riding in the car on the way to go camping:

"Mom? What is algebra?"

Fatty: "Uuuuuuuhhhhhhh...it's a method of calculating equations using symbols."

"Can you teach it to me this weekend?"

Wisdom of Rufus #606

Rufus: "Mom. What does it mean when someone "purses" his lips?"

Fatty: "Well, it usually means that person is really angry or frustrated."

Rufus: "Then why aren't your lips pursed all the time?"

Now Showing in East Texus:Malt Didneywerld Persents...

Beauty and the Beast on Ice

What better way to cool yer tootie on a hot summer day?

I AM GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWAL!!

With two more weeks of hell (excuse me, I mean school) to go I need SOMETHING to keep me from teetering off the cliff of insanity!!!!! FATTY - PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE post something to make me laugh (or even cry) so that I can keep my emotional health meter from going into the red zone!!!!

Wisdom of Rufus #427

Rufus: "Mom, next time you go to the grocery, could you get me something?"

Fatty: "Maybe...what is it?"

Rufus: "I need some Ambien CR. You know, the pill with the two layers? Cause the first layer helps you get to sleep quickly, and the second layer helps you stay asleep longer."

Where You Can Find Me

The Deed is done and the papers are signed. I am packing my bag and heading back to nature where I can sit on the porch with my Corona and watch the ducks - far (but not that far) from the dregs of humanity and the sounds of 21 obnoxious 5th graders. The lot next door is for sale if anyone is interested in joining me........

Mark the Day: Two-Word Combinations

We had a milestone day in the land of short people: Magoo started using her first two-word phrases today. This afternoon, I heard her saying (all on her own, not repeating after anyone), "Home Na-na! Home Na-na!" This translates as "go to your cage, you smelly chuckroast of a dog." Then, this evening she said "No. Stop it! No. Stop it!" This, of course, was said to me as I tried to get her ready for bed.

I know plenty of two-word phrases myself and would write them here, but Yo Mama might get mad at me.

Magoo also sings the beginnings of Deep Purple's song "Smoke on the Water." Thank you, Rufus.

I will be so proud in three days, when I can't remember when she started talking in two-word phrases, and I can look on the blog and have an official record!

see more crazy cat pics

Three Interesting Things about Fatty...

...like anyone really cares? Mainly, I just have to record this stuff so when I am 90, living with all my cats, visiting Bumpus at the room next door, and replacing his Viagra with sugar pills, I will remember what it was like to be approaching 40 and getting dumber by the day.

#1: Yesterday, I Was a Sucker
I was picking Rufus at his lessons del Espanol, when another mother walked up behind me and said, "just be still for a minute." I was pretty sure that it wasn't a hold up, and when I looked over my shoulder, she was approaching me carefully with a kleenex. Snot? Vomit? Her demeanor told me it might be a huge, blood sucking stink bug, so I froze in place. What was all the drama about? I had a half-eaten grape Dum-Dum lollipop stuck to my back.

#2: I'm OCD about the Public Bathroom
I've worked most of the last 15 years in the same building, and when I go to pee, I *always* go in the exact same stall. There are about 12 to choose from, and I pick the same one 100% of the time. It's like a tradition, a habit, a pee-at-work ritual, a first step on the road to needing therapy beyond talking to myself on this blog. Thankfully, the bathroom is used seldom enough so I don't ever arrive to find someone else in my spot. Yes, I only go pee at work. Pooping at work is a whole other issue.

#3: Yes, They are Pink, Flowered, and of the "Granny" Variety
I just got back from peeing in my appointed stall, a trip during which I envisioned, planned, and drafted this entire post (see what a good multi-tasker I am?), and after washing my hands, I looked in the huge mirror. And what did I see? That clearly visible, above the top of my pants and through the solid white cotton shirt I'm wearing are my pink, flowered granny pannies, for all the world to see. As Yo Mama taught me...at least I am wearing panties.

Where Are the Poop Pics?

I surely have the sense of humor of a 14 year-old boy, but I am just not so sure about posting poop pictures on the web. Here are the facts (and I could back these up with photo evidence if I had to):

1. Yes, the sweet little baby girl did the deed!
2. Yes, the big brother took lots of close up photos, as well as one of Goozie standing next to the potty looking rather troubled at the whole situation.
3. It was huge.
   Like to compare, it would be like me pooping the Sunday edition of the New York Times, including all the Wal-Mart and Target ads.
4. It was shaped like a capital letter "F."

HA! You think your kids are smart? My two year old is learning to poop-write!

Breaking Crapper News:SHE DID IT!

Magoo sitted herself on the pot and gave it what for...full production: #1 and #2!
YEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAA!

I was at work when this happened, and my most wonderful adventurous Mom-in-Law just called to tell me. MIL got the full benefit of this first poopin-in-the-pot experience. She says that she took pictures...more to come!

It's another great day in crapper land!

Headed Towards Two Years Old

She has let me start putting her hair up, which for a mother of two boys is like learning to do sign language in Chinese. As I have no one close by to go to, pleading my ignorance and fear, I have taught myself a few tricks to the clips and pony tails. I haven't been brave enough to try a ribbon yet, and her hair isn't thick enough for a clip with a bow attached.

Her wanting to be like Mama is a big help, because I show her my pony tail. I am also exceptionally thankful that she didn't get my very tender scalp. I can hardly stand to get my hair washed at the haircut place because it hurts to have my head scrubbed. Boudreaux is the same way. I would never let someone yank around on my hair like she does. I try to be as tender as possible, and she is a perfect, patient little angel. Of course, then she sits on Boudreaux's face and farts on purpose, laughing hysterically because she knows exactly what she is doing. At least she looks precious doing it.

The new hair-do thing suddenly makes Magoo look very grown up.
It's enough to turn her father and me into blithering wussies.

If They're All Going into Therapy Anyway,Then I Might As Well Make It Worth the Money

If I am going to embarrass and offend my children by posting pictures of them on the toilet out here in the wild blue internet, then I guess I better just offend them all equally. What are we waiting for?

First there was Boudreaux, my child on the road to Rice University, where the smart folks go. He had his books on the crapper from day one.


Next came Rufus, who would prefer to sit and talk about it rather than actually squeeze it out. Sometimes, even now, he will sit on the throne for an hour playing with his...video games and other stuff. Every President needs his podium. Below, he is telling Aunt Choc about his universal health care plan.


Then came our precious Magoo, who caught on a whole year and a half sooner than those boys did. After having two who refused to consider anything but pooping straight into their britches until each was three years old (actually, Rufus got trained a couple of months before that because, by God, he was READY for preschool at the church and he had to be potty trained to go! He had no option.). But not our Sweetness Her Hineyness Princess Magoo. She wants to be like all the big people.

Because of all her interest but still cynically not expecting any miracles, I went ahead and bought a potty. No music or flashing lights like these fancy modern potties come with...that stuff would be enough to scare that turtle right back up into its shell if you get my drift. No, Magoo and I picked out a plain one. We brought it home. I had no expectations. It sat in the box for two days...because I had no expectations. Saturday morning, while the boys were off on adventures, she and I took it out of the box and talked about it a lot. Still, no expectations. We got it all snapped together and of course, she dropped trou and plunked her little peachy booty right down. Then she ordered me to go get some books. Could we have another one on the road to RU here? Of course, I do whatever she tells me.

Back with the books, I sat beside her and we read two. The she stood up, and she had PEED! She didn't quite understand why her mother threw such a holy cat-nip-shun and started dancing and screaming. In fact, at first, she was a little frightened. We talked a lot about what all that meant. At its heart, this was just a wonderful coincidence (that she happened to pee while we were reading).

Since Saturday, she has sat and waited and been successful one other time. She has also gotten up to get a toy and peed on the bathroom floor (Boudreaux cleaned it up without any drama...because just like the rest of us, he is putty in her hands). She also peed on the floor once when I had gone to get a book. So, we are by no means sporting a perfect record here.

Look how little she is! Her feet don't touch the ground.


So tonight, I get her into her nighttime diaper (extra junk to absorb all that stuff) and send her to kiss her Boppa (Daddy) good night while I tuck in the boys. After a couple of minutes, she comes running back yelling "pee pee! pee pee!" Well, over the past few days, I have noticed two new habits with our precious. First, she mimics everything I do. If I wash my hands, she washes her hands. If I pick up and put away books, she does the same. If I am working in the kitchen, she wants to do that same stuff, too. Enough to make a Mama tear up. Second, she has started yelling "pee pee!" every time she lets loose even a teaspoon in her diaper. I guess she wants me to change her at the first sign of any wetness...but with gas prices like they are, I am way too cheap for that. We will get OUR MONEY'S WORTH out of those paper crapcatchers! If I'm sending it to the landfill, then it's going to be a serious contribution.

So when this evening's event happened, I played nice and asked her if she wanted to sit on the potty. She, of course, said yes. She wants to do that any time it gets her some attention (which is any time she wants because we are all a bunch of blithering idiots in her presence). She pulled her own PJs down, and I removed her diaper (still dry). She sat down and commanded me to go get a book.

Well, all this thinking about pee made me need to go, too. That's the whole "mones" theory at work...whenever someone else talks about peeing or pooping, you get the "mones" (like fer-e-mones, those bits of scent and stuff that attract animals to one another) and have to go yourself. See what a valuable education you get by reading this blog? So there I was getting the pee-mones and sitting on top of the toilet lid anyway. I told her to hang on a minute for that book, that "Mama has to go 'SHHH'," which, when you hold your finger up to your lips like your saying "shhhh" means Mama is about to pee. We say "shhh" because that means to listen, so she knows something is going on (a.k.a. the tinkle sound). Otherwise, she thinks that going butt-on-seat just means that you get to play with the toilet paper and put big wads of it into the pot.

So there I uncovered and "shhh"ed. To which she held her fingers up to her lips and said "shhh" back to me. Mimicking everything I do...so, just to humor her, I said, "Mama pee peed. Did you pee pee?" and she nodded yes. Then she stood up and SHE HAD! This time it was on purpose! YEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAA!

I am still not expecting miracles, but this was a GOOD DAY.

Stay tuned for more breaking crapper news as it happens.

Just for Cat Crap:The Mean Kitty Song

Cat Crap: I will be waiting for you to make a video response to this:

Goozie Commands You: DANCE FOOLS!

The latest video obsession, in the house where anyone under 8 years old is obsessed with YouTube and anyone over 12 years old is scared to death of what the youngers will see on YouTube. The one household member who is between 8 and 12 doesn't give a rat's ass about YouTube.

For St. Patrick's Day:This One Filled My Serenity Pad

Maybe I am a little "off" because of my age (not telling), but this took me straight back to the '70s and made me laugh so hard that even crossing my legs and Kegelling didn't help. In honor of St. Patrick's Day (and in honor of Goozie, who now loves this video and the way Mama howls and then runs, and in honor of Rufus, who sings this when no one is listening...):

Thank You, Cin at We're All Mad!

I have consulted the oracle, and next time I need to coerce something out of Bumpus, I have my opening statement.

My Pickup Line Is

I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can make your bed rock

The Magical Pick Up Line Generator

Who Knew?...

...that perfection would come with perpetually bad hair, constantly sticky fingers and cheeks, and a badass attitude? I wouldn't change a thing. :) Today, she learned to say "happy!"

East Texus Leen-goo-ist-icks, Huney.

I've determined that the limits of my intellectual ability occur sometime around the middle of second grade. From there on out, I am not smart enough to help them with their home work, projects, etc.

Rufus to Fatty: "How many syllables in the word 'cowboy'?"

Fatty, with my confidence and conviction: "Well, let's see...cow...bo...ee. That would be three."

And the excessively pitiful thing is that I really meant it, too.

Ha! Now I've told it on myself...Bumpus can't embarrass me at family reunions.

Why Fatty Avoids Psychics

Notice Magoo in the back; she is listening to Mahna Mahna off of an iPod
(and holding both speakers up to her ears).

Last Thursday night, one of our local Relay for Life teams had a fundraiser. For $5, you could drop the little snot nosed hellions off at the school gym at 6 PM, to watch a movie and indulge in the concession stand. A very sweet friend had invited the boys to come over after school, so I worked late. When I picked them up at 6 PM, they had not had dinner but they had eaten their fair share of brownies with chocolate chips added. By the time we got Goozie Magoo picked up and some money out of the cash machine ("What do you mean you don't have any money? Just go to an ATM and get some like everyone else!"), I dropped them off at 6:30, handed them each $5 for the food stand, and mumbled something about buying a hot dog or something else that would make for a...decent...um, something approaching decent...um, okay, crappy but passable dinner.

At 7:55, I arrived back to pick them up (5 minutes early! Ha! I AM a good mother after all!), and Rufus came bounding out the door, looking like a squirrel on crack, and brandishing a half-full can of Big Red. You know that Big Red is loaded with Caffiene, right? What you also don't know is that my one success as a mother is that my kids don't drink Cokes of any sort unless they get them at other people's houses/parties. I am too cheap to keep them in my house.

Fatty to Boudreaux: "So what did you do for the last hour and a half?"

Boudreaux: "We watched most of the 'Mr. Magorium's' movie..." (you expect me to know how to spell that?!?)

Fatty to Rufus, who is partially foaming pink at the mouth: "And what did you do?"

Rufus: "Guzzled Big Red and chased women."

Boudreax: "That's his second Big Red, and I saw him wrestling some kid on the top bleacher."

Do you know why I don't go to a psychic? Because I don't want to know what's coming...

COW GIRL: Two Syllables, Dammit

Volcanic Ash A-Fallin' in East Texus

Day before spring break, 2008: what is this stuff fallin' from the sky? Must be a volcano erupting near by...

Hey Cat Crap and Yo Mama!I Gotz Us a New Hobby

I may be a little punchy from long-term sleep deprivation, but this is one of the bestest things I have seen online in many a moon. Thez folks talks jus like mah Mama, and I gotz ta sounz dem outs jus tah make it a lil sense:

http://www.lolcatbible.com/

Here's the beginning of Genesis:

"1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.

2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.

3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin.5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!"

I'm in ur versus Moses-in' with yer Cheezits.

Videos for the Day

I must be young at heart, because stuff like this still makes me laugh...only now, after three kids, when I say, "I laughed so hard, I wet my pants," I mean it...it's really true.

Magoo Sings and Shows Off Her Vocab

Boudreaux would like nothing more than for Goozie to say his name, but notice at the very end, I say, "Say Hank." And she says "Bubba."

Can people named Bubba even get into RU?

Thank You Big Brothers,For Teaching Her THE WORD

Crucial Video of the MomentYou'll Understand More Soon...

How Bumpus Got a Himself SlappedAt 7 AM on Valentine's Morning

Fatty to Bumpus:

"Look at my loverly $7 Valentine's Day shirt. See the four hearts? That's you on the outside, holding it all together, then our three precious offspring, big and medium and little precious girly in the middle. My four loved ones. You are all what makes my heart go pitter patter."

Bumpus:

"That's nice. Can I touch your boobs?"

Fatty Remembers an Important Lesson,Rufus Watches and Learns

Last Monday afternoon, I picked the boys up from school as normal. The elder, Boudreaux, was unusually sullen in the car. This sudden and unexplained moody behavior has been relatively common lately. Hello? He's only NINE!?! I am supposed to be entitled to at least two more years of in-home training before I have to deal with this?!? But the Moms of his friends warned me that theirs were acting more difficult, too. All I know to do now is give him some space. So I didn't say anything.

Upon arriving home, he stomped to his room, took off his shoes and socks, and then started pacing around the house huffing and puffing and griping in a progressively louder voice. I still had no clue what was going on, so I tried to listen in. He was going on about "UNFAIR!...Not worth being here...Go somewhere else...Don't DESERVE it..." I dared to ask, "What are you upset about?" He glared at me and stomped away, slamming the door to his room. As I stood in wonder before turning around and laying my finger aside of my nose and giving a nod...Oh, I'm sorry, I got off track. Anyway, heard him mumble something about leaving.

So here it is, my first running away threat.

Again, I leave him alone but stand at the door listening. He is packing his backpack. Rufus is also standing around in the vicinity, watching this whole thing unfold. Goozie is blissfully picking her nose and feeding her boogers to the pigdog.

I wait a few minutes, knock, and open the door. He marches past me, backpack in hand and announcing loudly: "I am leaving! I don't deserve to live here! I'll go somewhere else!"

"Hello?" I say. "Is there something going on that I don't know about? Did something upset you? Do you care to speak to me like I'm a normal human being and not a door mat?"

"You don't care!" he yells. "I am running away, leaving, going somewhere ELSE!"

[Searching for how to handle this, I reminisce back to about 1978... my BIG MEAN MOTHER would not let me carry about cute little two week old kitties in the plastic, flowered basket of my purple bicycle with the bananna seat and chrome handle bars! Hello? Kitties just want to have fun! A healthy dose of adventure will make them happy! Who cares if their eyes aren't totally open! The wind through their fur! Like Easy Rider, south Texas style! What did I do to deserve this UNFAIR DICTATORIAL IMPOSITION, this INFRINGMENT UPON MY YARD-CAT HAVIN' RIGHT? I made a plan to break out of that oppressive prison, and I packed my Scooby-Friggin'-Doo backpack.

Marching to the kitchen to wish that wicked witch of an unfair world goodbye, I remember anticipating that she would beg me to stay...even cry! I would BRING HER TO HER KNEES. "I am running A-WAY!" I announced. And you, my dear Yo Mama, calmly said, still facing the kitchen sink, "Would you like me to make you a peanut butter sandwich for the road?" DAMMIT! That is not what I wanted. I marched back up to my room and unpacked.]

So upon Boudreaux's insisted (yet still mysteriously precipitated) declaration, I calmly reponded, "Well, if that's what you're going to do, then you'll want to put on your shoes and take a jacket."

I am not nice enough to offer food.

He stomped back to his room. I thought he was putting on his shoes, but instead he came out 5 minutes later--still barefoot, much calmer, even almost cheerful and no sign of the backpack--sat the kitchen table like normal and asked if he could have a snack...?!? The rest of the day proceeded as normal.

Now, every time Boudreaux gets mad over some domestic injustice, Rufus looks at him and says, "If you don't get what you want and decide to run away, then can I have your bed and extra DS games?"

The mystery is later solved: Finally, he told me that his issue was that Goozie Magoo had scribbled all over his homework. He had been "forced" to throw it away and then had to stay inside during recess to do it all over again. I don't buy the first part of that about being forced to throw it away...if he had been smart, he could have just copied the work onto a fresh sheet. I also don't buy it because if he had really looked at the sheet of girlchild scribbles, he would have seen that it actually wasn't his homework. His homework was on the counter where he left it the night before.