Thank you all you Bahai followers out there for phoning in your advice with regards to the pressing matters at hand in this world. You may now start compiling your list of requested flavors.
The Tamale Queen
Friday, September 30, 2005
Thursday, September 29, 2005
GIVE ME SOME OF DEM DER VITAMINS!!!
Lo and behold, the Kapitan (aka the PO) has arrived in Sweetwater with a BIG ole smile on his face and he just can't stop grinnin! He be a'talkin real slow and sweet and smilin all da while with not a hint of anxiety or impatience to be found! HE IS A NEW MAN!!! All I can say is - GIVE ME SOME OF DEM DER VITAMINS - I WANT TO BE A SMILIN' AND A GRINNIN' TOO!!!
4 & 5 Year Old Soccer League:
Seven Rules for Trash Talk
1. Trash talking is only between consenting adults.
2. Not sure if your target for trash will consent? Attempt at your own risk.
3. No trash talk from people under 15 years old.
4. Trash talking is allowed before the game, without restraint as long as rule #1 above is met.
5. No trash talking after the game, especially if your child's team beat my child's team.
6. All trash talking must cease if alcoholic beverages are in the vicinity, although inner dialogue trash talk (henceforth referred to as IDTT) may proceed without restraint if, during consumption of said beverages, I proceed to beat your ass at dominoes (including 42, Train, nickles, or greenie weenie).
7. Those who are predisposed to large amounts of trash talking may be better served by keeping that trash talking as an IDTT to herself, because long-term trash talking is likely to either void any unspoken contract made in the establishment of rule #1 OR may serve as perfect propellant for when karma turns around to bite herself in the ass.
2. Not sure if your target for trash will consent? Attempt at your own risk.
3. No trash talk from people under 15 years old.
4. Trash talking is allowed before the game, without restraint as long as rule #1 above is met.
5. No trash talking after the game, especially if your child's team beat my child's team.
6. All trash talking must cease if alcoholic beverages are in the vicinity, although inner dialogue trash talk (henceforth referred to as IDTT) may proceed without restraint if, during consumption of said beverages, I proceed to beat your ass at dominoes (including 42, Train, nickles, or greenie weenie).
7. Those who are predisposed to large amounts of trash talking may be better served by keeping that trash talking as an IDTT to herself, because long-term trash talking is likely to either void any unspoken contract made in the establishment of rule #1 OR may serve as perfect propellant for when karma turns around to bite herself in the ass.
And Lo, I Saw the Truth
Today, I have had a revelation. I am Witch Hazel. Witch Hazel am I.
Looking in the mirror has always been a strange fee-nom-er-non for me. I never look like what I think I look like. Some days I am surprised that the old bag in the glass is doing okay, and sometimes I think "who the hell is that person"? This is not exactly an identity crisis, which I associate instead with a chronic case of indecision. No, I know exactly who I am and what I believe and if I could just get me and my boss on a plane to Japan, then I could get trashed on Socky and tell him all about it with lots of hand gestures.
No, I have just determined that if my spirit were to have a physical form for illustration, then this is what it would look like. And act like.
No, Mama, this is not to say that I think somehow I've inhereted the genes of a small-footed, facially follically challenged, bloomer wearing hag. In fact, I bet Witch Hazel makes some damn fine tamales!
Looking in the mirror has always been a strange fee-nom-er-non for me. I never look like what I think I look like. Some days I am surprised that the old bag in the glass is doing okay, and sometimes I think "who the hell is that person"? This is not exactly an identity crisis, which I associate instead with a chronic case of indecision. No, I know exactly who I am and what I believe and if I could just get me and my boss on a plane to Japan, then I could get trashed on Socky and tell him all about it with lots of hand gestures.
No, I have just determined that if my spirit were to have a physical form for illustration, then this is what it would look like. And act like.
No, Mama, this is not to say that I think somehow I've inhereted the genes of a small-footed, facially follically challenged, bloomer wearing hag. In fact, I bet Witch Hazel makes some damn fine tamales!
Hey Sis-Ta......You'd better be a-hiden from those there CIA Agents you work with - Your past is a'catchin up with Ya
Hot Tamales and Pass the Mustard - Those back kicks you did on the coffee table done made it to Broadway!!!!!!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20050928/people_nm/arts_cash_dc
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20050928/people_nm/arts_cash_dc
TOP TEN REASONS TO HAVE THAT THERE WIRE RE-INSERTED INTO YOUR FALL-O-PEE-ON TOOBS
1. You will have your own life back a hell of a lot sooner.
2. You don't have to go to middle school dances and watch the little darlings have sex with their clothes on.
3. You don't have to hire an attorney in order to battle your teenager.
4. The neighbors won't have to call the health department because your child leaves dirty kleenex ALL OVER THE HOUSE.
5. You won't have to chop up poop so that it fits down the toilet hole.
6. You no longer have to buy pop-tarts.
7. You will save a lot of money because you won't have to shovel out $50.00 for middle school annuals and $75.00 for school pictures ALL IN THE SAME WEEK.
8. You can finish a sentence without someone arguing with you.
9. You can cook something edible besides canned green beans and ramen noodles.
and....
10. cause maybe, must maybe, you can do something YOU WANT TO instead of loading and reloading the dishwasher every 5 minutes.
2. You don't have to go to middle school dances and watch the little darlings have sex with their clothes on.
3. You don't have to hire an attorney in order to battle your teenager.
4. The neighbors won't have to call the health department because your child leaves dirty kleenex ALL OVER THE HOUSE.
5. You won't have to chop up poop so that it fits down the toilet hole.
6. You no longer have to buy pop-tarts.
7. You will save a lot of money because you won't have to shovel out $50.00 for middle school annuals and $75.00 for school pictures ALL IN THE SAME WEEK.
8. You can finish a sentence without someone arguing with you.
9. You can cook something edible besides canned green beans and ramen noodles.
and....
10. cause maybe, must maybe, you can do something YOU WANT TO instead of loading and reloading the dishwasher every 5 minutes.
TO TAMALE OR NOT TO TAMALE, THAT IS THE QUESTION......
The pressure is on..........what do I do??????? Visions of chorizo and potato tamales float in my head, drowning my senses and overcoming my better judgement. ...... black bean tamales provoke promises of singed nose hairs from the terrific farts that would result from the 30-50 tamales per hour (not to mention that the re-load time on the tamale pooper is only 2 minutes) that the tamale pooper could emit......... I can't sleep, I can't eat (except for Blue Bell and chocolate chip cookies and soy chips and bean dip and of course Jagermeister), I can't concentrate.......if I flunk out of skool the last semester will the professors give me an "I" if I plead "tamale insanity"??????? I am afeered of leaving the ebay site so I am sittin here in my adult diapers waiting for the final bell to ring....... my only source of support is leaving the kuntry soon.....if I send some tamales with her would them boys in skirts want to buy them???????
HELP I NEED HELP I NEED HELP (OR AT LEAST ANOTHER BOTTLE OF JAGERMEISTER)!!!
HELP I NEED HELP I NEED HELP (OR AT LEAST ANOTHER BOTTLE OF JAGERMEISTER)!!!
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
BR549
WHERE O WHERE, Are you Cat Crap?
Why have you left the blog all a-lone?
I've sat here on m'fat ass
Waiting fer sumpthin' funny.
But you've gone a missin'
Are ya stuck on the throne?
Why have you left the blog all a-lone?
I've sat here on m'fat ass
Waiting fer sumpthin' funny.
But you've gone a missin'
Are ya stuck on the throne?
Thursday, September 15, 2005
That Giant Sucking Sound...
...is the airless vacuum between my ears after a long week of working at the special school. But that's okay, because those of us still imprinting important information on our brain cells are busy learning important strategies in life, like RESPECT THE QUEEN.
So Bumpus and Boudreaux have a little chess habit, usually on weekend afternoons. The problem is that Bumpus has to really try to win, and Boudreaux has, on more than one occasion, used a bait-and-switch tactic in order to beat the pants off of his father, who is left standing with a mixed look on his face, including pride, shock, and the kind of humility you get as dessert after being mentally spanked by a seven year old.
Of course, anything that the seven year old wants to do, the four year old wants to do to, so Boudreaux is teaching Rufus how to play the noble game. Which is the background to why Rufus announced in the car to me the other day, "Mama, there's nothing I love more than playing chest." He is his Daddy's boy.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Martha Done Gone to the Dogs....
If anybody out there in tv land tuned in to see Martha's new show yesterday, I am just a'wonderin WHAT IN THE WORLD HAS COME OVER MARTHA???? She be given all her staff ankle bracelets as a joke, she be thrown spaghetti noodles at the refrigerator, she be wearing a faux fur cooking apron and she be visiting people in their homes just like ole' Oprah just to do before she got so skinny and big-headed. She even be making conversations about how she learned how to play cards real good in that there prison in which she was in-car-ceer-ated. Martha has done had a personality makeover and she now tryin to be a comedian. Can't wait to tune in today and see all them audience members wearing ponchos like the one she knitted and then wore on her release day from the big house. What will she think of next?
I'm just Dazed and Confused 'bout all these people who keep a changin their personalities.
I'm just Dazed and Confused 'bout all these people who keep a changin their personalities.
A Helpful Hint From Someone Who Learned the Hard Way!
Next time you cyber-bloggers decide you are going to clean out the ole' refrigerator while your husband is out of town eating lavish meals courtesy of the State of Texas, I recommend that you do NOT eat (at one sitting) that HUGE bowl of cauliflower and broccoli that you steamed several days ago and which has since been sitting in your frig fermenting. That is unless you first make a special trip to Wally World and buy the economy box of cherry flavored Gas-Ex and be prepared to eat the whole box over the course of a couple of hours (with not much effect). It certainly makes for a restless and noisy night.
Just a Word of Advice From Someone Who Knows
Just a Word of Advice From Someone Who Knows
Monday, September 12, 2005
The New Mama
Mama has put her clothes on
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
Yo Mama is most apologetic to whomever she o-fended by swimming in the buff on the blog. I always thought my body was b-u-t-ful until sumbody thot not.
So frum now on I just be a-showin up with my swimsuit on.
Do U recognize Yo Mama now?
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Notice soft clear buttinsky
PHOTO REMOVED TO PROTECT THE EYES OF UNDERAGE CHILDREN
hope ya don't recognize yo mama
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
Jes wanted to follow up my comment on the last entry, I done took care of the problem and I hope U don't recognize Yo Mama, I did cover up my face so none of them ladies of the social register B able to recognize Yo Mama. Butt as U kan easely C, there ain't no black hair on my butt N E more. So much for that.
Aint U gotta smart Mama
What Wood U Do?
Yo Mama got a very personal problem and need sum ad-vise.
By relly strange co-n-si-dence I diskovered a long black
hare a growing on my back cheek where the sun don B shinin.
Now, the big problem B that I kaint see bak there. I kin
go N the privacy of my beauty room and git my lil small
mirror and kinda C it a stickin out. (aint got no Carmex
on it neither). It B a-hanging up on my lingerie when it
go up and down and I gotta git rid of it. I asked Lucy the
dog wood she hep and she sed no, she out lookin 4 electric
wires to chew off and cunsume like cuzin Pot Roast. I jes
dont be no-N no folks hear to trust with this breakthrew of
news. Sur do hate to save it 4 Dr. L in Waco, I don't think
he do hare removal. Cat-crap what do U think, U think he mite
like to add this to his diploma-show on the wall.
N E body got N E ideas 4 Yo Mama?
By relly strange co-n-si-dence I diskovered a long black
hare a growing on my back cheek where the sun don B shinin.
Now, the big problem B that I kaint see bak there. I kin
go N the privacy of my beauty room and git my lil small
mirror and kinda C it a stickin out. (aint got no Carmex
on it neither). It B a-hanging up on my lingerie when it
go up and down and I gotta git rid of it. I asked Lucy the
dog wood she hep and she sed no, she out lookin 4 electric
wires to chew off and cunsume like cuzin Pot Roast. I jes
dont be no-N no folks hear to trust with this breakthrew of
news. Sur do hate to save it 4 Dr. L in Waco, I don't think
he do hare removal. Cat-crap what do U think, U think he mite
like to add this to his diploma-show on the wall.
N E body got N E ideas 4 Yo Mama?
BET U WISHIN U HAD THIS, FATTY
FOR SALE OR RENT
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
Yo Mama a-comin 2 the rescue. The Kaptain has this wire OCD and whenever he wanna plug N-E-thing in on the boat he duz cut it jez exactly the rite length so it look neat and tidy. Now N the house it B different, I B thinkin meybe he storin lots extry wire around the house for all to see N chew on and admire. N E way, we got this luvely little item available, U kin rent it R buy it. Jez let Yo Mama no and I'll send it on.
Yo Mama standin by with a box, tape and stamps, Fatty.
Friday, September 09, 2005
The Short Happy Life of Brain Cells #10, 9, and 8
The Short Happy Life of Brain Cells #10, 9, and 8
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.
So Bumpus was doing a little squat and gobble when he heard one of the "yelp-bark" combos issue forth from the jaws of the Fish-lipped Spawn of Satan known as Lord Nelson the Evergassy, who was in the next room at the time. Bumpus couldn't just jump and run, seeing as how he was in-dee-sposed, so as he sat pondering the noise, he was again surprised to hear a low, gutteral growl, another short bark, and then a commotion. Nature's processes came to their celebrated conclusion and upon entering the room where Id was located, Bumpus found the dog sitting with the above pictured item hanging out of his mouth and a dazed look on his face.
Prior to that moment, this item had been the end of the extension cord that had allowed my bed-side lamp to be plugged in. The cord's only sin was being located next to the part of the wall that the dog likes to obsessively lick when no one is paying attention.
Does electro-shock therapy work on pets? My guess is that yes, it would, if the pet in question had any grey matter to rearrange.
As a side note...what happened to Cells #15-11? Those were poisoned when the Id decided to chomp a big hole in a brand new bottle of Family Style Off Mosquito Repellant just two nights prior.
Chuck Roast, In Repose
It's very difficult to see, but just barely to the right of the center table foot is a good-sized black spider. The Ham del Beelzebub tried for a good 10 minutes to (1) stick his face between the table legs but it did not fit, (2) paw at the spider, and (3) stretch his ginormous tongue around the table foot to kiss the cutesy pootsy hairy legged bag o' venom.
Like sands through the hour glass, I've been keeping rough count, and The Roast is now down into the single digits of brain cell ownership. Why do you ask? That entry will follow shortly.
Like sands through the hour glass, I've been keeping rough count, and The Roast is now down into the single digits of brain cell ownership. Why do you ask? That entry will follow shortly.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
I wished 4 my camera ....
The Kaptain and Yo Mama went to a very fine local nite
spot for a bite last evenin and I was a sittin there jez
mindin my on business when the gal in the booth behint
me got up and stretched and sauntered slowly by me. I
think she really was a-lookin at The Kaptain with immoral
thoughts. N-E ways she was awearin stiletto hooker shoes,
very, very tite blue jeans, the kind that kinda jest hang
off your butt crack. She had long, fluffy dark red hair
and her face looket like she be wishing she wuz 18 or 21 or
meybe even 29. Then ... the hilite of the whole demo was
her shirt. It was black, had tiny lil fake diamond straps,
no bra, 'n on the back awritten in more diamonds was the
followin: "make it hard and ride it long". I asket The
Kaptain iffin he thot it mite be a Harley they wuz atalkin
bout and he said he didn't much think so.
Yo Mama wants 2 know what that mite-meant.
spot for a bite last evenin and I was a sittin there jez
mindin my on business when the gal in the booth behint
me got up and stretched and sauntered slowly by me. I
think she really was a-lookin at The Kaptain with immoral
thoughts. N-E ways she was awearin stiletto hooker shoes,
very, very tite blue jeans, the kind that kinda jest hang
off your butt crack. She had long, fluffy dark red hair
and her face looket like she be wishing she wuz 18 or 21 or
meybe even 29. Then ... the hilite of the whole demo was
her shirt. It was black, had tiny lil fake diamond straps,
no bra, 'n on the back awritten in more diamonds was the
followin: "make it hard and ride it long". I asket The
Kaptain iffin he thot it mite be a Harley they wuz atalkin
bout and he said he didn't much think so.
Yo Mama wants 2 know what that mite-meant.
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