The Very Au-dast-ityof it all!

I am hear 2 tell U that The Kaptain has overstepped his bounds and rites as The Self Proclaimed Supervisor With No Boundaries As To What Law He Mite Declare As The Rule Of This House On The Hill In The Western Hills.
Y.M. hates to git N-2 personal body function reports, but I must say first that at THIS house the little terlet near the kitchen is the arena of Y.M. x-cept she do share the shower on the occasion that T.K, desides he mite B N need of washing off.
This very a.m. I took to my private dumping grounds and, as I said I DO hate body function testimonials, but I did have "a time" whilst in my little private room. The issue N-volved excessive use of white paper which was dutifully put into The Bowl and the flusher flushed. Didn't all go down. So Y.M. went to the private area for dumpin assigned to T.K. and retrieved the plunger and dis-cretely snuck it through the house and put it to good use in the endangered plumbing facility. When nice klean water returned, Y.M. left the plunger there, a sittin in it to give it a good soaking in something clear of color and more sanitaree than the previous offering. I went on about my business. In bout an hour T.K. marched up and said I wuz not to use that inferior terlet N-E more when the facility in the other area was much more Modren, Dependable, Comfortable and Flushable. Then followed a lecture as to when to flush the first time, what 2-do next, then when to flush again and follow up proceedure. Now, I found myself speechless. Here I am at age 70 B-N told what terlet to use.
I got so steamed up that the temperature and humidity in this waterfront location, which I paid for, rose up to all time highs. PTL, and pardon me pls for bringing the Lord into this, but I will sit and dump where I please and it jest suits me finest if I am the onlee one asitting in there because I know at all times that the place is cleaner and more well kept than the local gas station facility, if you git my drift. Whew! Now may-B I can sleep tonite. Iffin T. K. don't watch his oral offerings, he may have 2 hit the road un-til he learns who is the boss of This House.The End.

A Tale of Two Tubs

As luck would have it, there
haz been 2 many tubs in the
familee out West, Y.M. has
been in fear they mite mate
and produce more. But as of
2-nite both of these babies are
outta site and outta mind

If One be good, Two be better!

These fellers are real hustlers,
they loaded the "country tub'
N-2 that tub-mobile and away
they done went. Y.M. asket em
if they wuz headed for the
Metro-Plex to make a killin in
the tub market and they jest
grinned real big. Kaint blame
sum strong young-uns for
givin it a try!

And surely there is a Heaven .....

Gaga and Buda continue their
watch. Carroll and I are true
believers..........the plant had
blooms just when I came to
buy the lake house, and then
more blooms when we moved
in. Can you deny that Gaga, in
her own clever way, is sending
messages to her girls?

19 bells and All is Well

Peace in the Valley .............
A little rain shower in the
distance, plumber is en route
for the 3rd time this week.....
the grass is growing, wish you
were here ............ Y.M.

The Hideaway Shot Glass:For When Ya Need to Slam a Little Tequila in the Ladies Room at Church

While some of us are worried about gasoline being over $4.oo per gallon, others think about other things. I found out about this in a Vegetarian Times magazine given to me...

The Diva Cup

I figure it's the perfect thing to go along with my stilettos that have a flask hidden in the heel. Salt up my nose. Lime behind my ear...or hidden in my buttcrack.

Some Party, Some Don't

Recently, we were very excited to find that Max Stalling was playing live a reasonable distance from our house. The concert was outdoors in a family-friendly location, so we loaded up the hellions and dragged them along.

Now Max isn't famous enough yet to be wary of stalkers like us, so he still walks around in the audience before and after the performance. He was talking to some guys he knew next to our table, when Rufus decided that he wanted to go introduce himself. I told Rufus to be nice and go for it. He walked up to the group and patiently waited until one of the nice gents said, "Oh! I believe this young man would like to say hi to you, Max." Rufus introduced himself, using his full name, and then informed Mr. Stallings that I-35 is his favorite song and that the whole family can sing Ping Pong Pool all the way through in unison.

I think the artist was impressed. Later, during the concert, Max gave Rufus a shout-out, by full name, and then played Ping Pong Pool for him. Sweet! Of course, we all loudly sang along. Rufus could give Obama a run for his money on hand shakin' and baby kissin'.

Below are a couple of photos illustrating how this adventure went:

Magoo got in some bartending practice, preparing to walk in Cat Crap's footsteps.

Rufus took a nap, waiting until he could read in the car on the way home
and dreaming of what he'll write on his application essay for RU.

We didn't have any good pictures of Rufus at the concert, but he requested that I post this particular photo, which he and Bourdreaux engineered just for the blog.

Fatty's Observation #723:That's Why Lysol Was Invented

One of the bad things about Blackberries and phones that send email:

People can send you messages while sitting on the crapper.

Paula Deen's Warm Chicken Salad, Adjusted

Sam's sells white chunked chicken in a can, with something like five cans coming in a package. It's a little pricey when you compare it to fresh chicken by the pound, but you get to ignore that extra cost when you're basking in the pleasure of avoiding that foul business of having to boil and debone. (Ha! Foul business! Get it? Fatty made a funny!)

So while Magoo is eating her noodles and corn off the floor (she spilled it and I told her to pick it up...so she is picking it up and eating it), I thought I would share this very fine use for canned--or fresh--chunked chicken.

Adjusted from Paula Deen's recipe, which is here and which I'm sure is fine but a little too luscious for my hips.

Warm Chicken Salad

3 cups (2 large cans) cooked chicken breast meat, cubed
3/4 cup sliced almonds*
(*next time, I am going to lightly toast these first)
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup finely chopped onion
1/4 teaspoon pepper
3 tablespoons lemon juice (mine was out of a plastic lemon...)
1 cup light mayonnaise
3/4 cup grated sharp Cheddar cheese
2/3 cup crushed Sun Chips (plain! no flavored crap)

1. Preheat the oven to 375°F, and spray a 13-by-9-inch baking dish with vegetable oil cooking spray.

2. In a large mixing bowl, combine the chicken, celery, almonds, salt, onion, pepper, lemon juice, mayonnaise, and cheese.

3. Place the mixture in the prepared baking dish.

4. Spread the crushed Sun Chips on top.

5. Bake for 20 minutes, or until bubbly.

Very fine fresh or reheated (in microwave), with crackers or just with a shovel.

This recipe is a little drier rather than gooier because I increased the amount of chicken without increasing the amount of mayo. I don't like greasy stuff unless it's sold under the title "Tex Mex" and as far as I know, Mexicans aren't silly enough to eat chicken salad from a can.

Quote for the Day #723

Fatty to Magoo: "You are a mess."

Magoo back to Fatty: "No Mess. Monkey! Me Monkey! No Mess!"

Inquiring Mind Wants 2 No

When you and yours B comin this way
to pay a social call on him-self? He been
di-recting traffic here 4 bout 3 1/2 days,
has put 2-gether a rickety table with
lamp from China, got his-self a new
plastic middle-class America chair frum
the local furniture supplier, filled up his
tummy w/mex. food, terrorized the
local relatives and inhabitents. Now
ready 4 sum new meat to process.
Lemme no so I can tell him and he can
be savin some of his special backwoods
clothes 4 your arrival.

I Took One Picture in Vegas,Just to Prove I Was There

Country Come to Town:Fatty Reports, Part III

Observation #6: Paint Winners Need Not Play
The only prize I have ever won (we're talking door prizes, raffles, etc.) in my whole, tragic life is a gallon of paint, won as a door prize at a baby or wedding shower when I was like 8 years old. At a recent event, the host declared "I have so many things to give away, that all but about three of you will win something!" Guess who didn't win? Because I didn't want to face the gruesome hell I'd get for coming to Las Vegas and not doing some gambling of some sort, I set aside $20 to play on the slot machines. My gambling spree on the penny and nickel slots lasted all of 22 minutes. I did get one glass of cheap white wine as part of the deal, but I asked for Chardonnay (dry) and got something nasty, watery, and sweet. People whose only claim to luck is winning a gallon of paint at 8 years old shouldn't count on any luck in the pit.

Observation #7: My Prize is Not Cooking or Cleaning for Three Days
Who the hell needs to win at gambling when she just spent three days without any cooking, clean, wiping snot noses or stinky butts, or being pecked to a slow death by chickens?

Country Come to Town:Fatty Reports, Part 2

Observation #4: I Pooped Las Vegas
For as long as I remember, I have had no-poop-away-from-home disease. I can be gone from home for a week and not poop. You may be thinking this is a disgusting thing to discuss on a public blog, but if I have to sit through endless commercials of goofy aging Eddie Bauer men singing "Viva Viagra" and silly couples sitting in twin bathtubs atop a hill in the wine country celebrating their wee-ner meds, then the world can just deal with my crappy conversation with myself. I mean...how do twin claw-foot tubs on top of a hill at sunset indicate that the guy's ED medicine is working? How are you gonna get some action when you're sitting in separate tubs?
Shouldn't they be in one tub or no tub? Why not just show the empty tubs with clothes and towels left behind? Are they waiting for the 36-hour wee-ner window to open? Are they basking in the afterglow, with her secretly relieved that a 4-hour erection wasn't a side effect? I have never gotten that commercial...but I did get to poop Las Vegas (ha! I DID get back on track!). Apparently something in my brain thinks I am right at home in my high rise work nest. That, and the pintos and Raisin Bran Crunch (thank you YM and CC) have done their magic TWICE! Maybe I'll run down to the casino and sing a vivacious version of Viva Poop Vegas! JACK-POT! Yeeeeee-haw!

Observation #5: I am the Lamest Loser Ever
What the hell am I doing in Las Vegas by myself sitting in a room working and celebrating bowel movements?

Country Come to Town:Fatty Reports from Las Vegas

Arrived today at noon all by my lonesome for a G&N conference. Just finding my room and something to eat for lunch took me 15 minutes of dazed wandering through good natured but very busy crowds. I'll be reporting my observations for the next couple of days.

Observation #1: Location, Location, Location
Upon arriving, I was handed a map of all the Harrah's family resorts and hotels on the strip.
Aside from hotels, one other location was marked: Walgreens.

Observation #2: Screening Test
Anyone who gets overwhelmed just looking at the options on the salad dressing aisle at the Super Walmart should not be allowed to come to Sin City.

Observation #3: Al Gore's Saving Grace
Since I am hiding in my room, entirely exhausted just by walking among the grey hairs perched drunk at the slots, it's a good thing that Harrah's offers 24 hours of compl-li-mintry internet access or else I'd be really pissed off.

World Leaders of Tomorrow

Will one of these be President
sum day?

A Busy Boy

The Middle Child won't be
seen in the next photo b-kause
he was very busy being hisself.

To See Ourselves As Others See Us

Tranquility

Don't get much better than this..........

Hoping The Kapatini misses this one

This what happens when wild, wild
women git out on the town alone.
Musta been sum sort of a partee.
Hope the po-lease and Bumpus
don't git wind of it, we be in BIG
trouble. Y.M. think it sorta a nise
3 generational portrait.

Hello from the park

Jes callin to see when my car B
ready so I can drive like Katie.

Aunt Choc's Girl

How's about a little kiss?

Passing in review on 4 July

Y. M shore is proud of her eldest
grandson, he B the tallest one in
the middle. He B a fine young man
a a good dock-fixer too. Certain he
is a keeper.

Mixing it up with the locals

Here they B, a-sitting on the curb
waiting for the Fire Truck and the
Garbage Truck to come on buy and
thrown some more candee on the
asphalt ..... so they can dumpster
style dive for some extra goodies.
Jes ain't nothing like it. Y.M. must
say that Nancee and Katie-who-
drives-a-car-at-night do not
participate in the candee routine.

Onlee 25 dollar & U 2 can bee....

Yessir, when I thinkin bout the spots of
prominence in FLA that we pays $$$$ 2
rite out the nose, I wunder what B wrong
with our minds, when ............. we kan B
members of LSYC fer onlee $25 a year.
An we can bring famlee members 4 no
charge a-tall. Had bout 50 folks there
on July 4 - sum didn't wanna B in the
photo 4 sure in case the police checked
it out real kareful.

Ain't she kute !

wunder if Cin will see thissun! She shore was
a cute lil thing on her 6th. Rite there in
Cal-I-fornia with sum famlee.

Operation Fix-A-Dock

Took 5 big men and plus one
supervisor ladie on land to git
the Kaptain's dock all strait-away
4 the Big Arrival Scene due 2 take
plase Tuesday nite. We all standin
by wunderin what else we need to do
cept get that lawnmower girl back
over here again rite quick.

Gaggle wundering what going on

They wanna no what them men
B doin in their lakesite.

The Error of My Ways:Trying Again for the New State Song

I made a grievous error a few posts back. That Ray Wylie Hubbard song was called "Snake Farm." On its own, that song/video is pretty funny, but it is not what I intended to post there. I'll go back and correct the post title. Bumpus got me back on track--here it is.

He talks a whole bunch at the start but finally gets to the song around 2 min, 30 secs.

Let's End This Night on a Good Note

Bumpus's sunflowers are putting on a good show.
One of 'em has poop in her pants.

OK OK OK OK! Enough Already!

Quit with the hair-ass-mint!

The lady who cut it all off was standing ankle deep in my discarded hair. She said that, in her 18 years cutting hair and doing all sorts of drastic things like cutting for Locks of Love, she had never ever seen such a huge amount of hair come off of one person's head.

It doesn't stick out on the bottom like it is supposed to because I TOOK A FRIGGIN' NAP.

I'm from Texas. So Screw You.

"Oh My"

This was a very, very funny thing that happened last night. I was tinkering around on the hairstyle finder thingy and had uploaded a picture of myself. I clicked on the set up for medium length blond hair, and it stuck this Cousin It Goes to Las Vegas and Has a Fling with Boy George wig on my head. Magoo didn't know what I was up to and ran over to the computer. When she saw my face with the wig on top of it, she started saying "Oh my...OH my...Ohmyohmyohmy...OH MY" (similar to Rain Man). Taking her excellent makeover advice, I didn't pursue this little number.

8:30 AM Tomorrow...No Hat Though

The Bumpus Survival Kit

So what DOES a 30+ something cool mo' daddy like El Bumparusissimo survive on when his hot cookin' mama runs off to the lake for five days? It's a simple recipe, requiring only three ingredients:

Dear Cat Crap 'n' Uncle Mike:Bless Your for that Pair-dice Yonder West

Talk about a talented photographer. I took this loverly photo under harsh, extreme conditions: 10 hours of sleep the night before, 2 hours of sleep that afternoon, resting my fat ass on a cushy lounge chair, with a very fine cold beer balanced in one hand. Ah, the sacrifices we make. God Bless you and your real estate investment, West Texus Cousins.

And Now for Something Seriously Awesome:Max Stalling

Bumpus and I love us all sorts of music, from reggae to jazz to country. One of the things we don't like, however, is overly produced commercialized crap. When wanting country music, we typically think back to the good old days of George Jones and Kenny Rogers and Willie, Waylon, and the Boys. Even better than a lot of that, though, is Texas music. It's not quite traditional country. Robert Earl Keen is who I am going to marry when Bumpus wises up and runs off with the St. Paulie Girl. Actually, Bumpus and I went on a real gringo honeymoon, except without the weed. Too bad that.

So one night about two months ago, I heard this awesome song on a Texas music station and emailed them to find out who sang it--really high quality music and excellent lyrics. The musician's name is Max Stalling. Above is a video of him playing another awesome tune. Two weeks ago, we drove to Coupland, Texas--population had to be less than 500--to see Stalling play at a 100-year old dance hall. It was the most awesome Fatty and Bumpus Adventure EVER. Not counting the three hellions.

We recommend "The Pila Song," "Ping Pong Pool," "I Ain't Fallin' in Love with You Tonight," "Don't Fall Alone," "Lonely Days, " "I-35," and "Drunk in Mexico" for starters. Head on over to iTunes and support this outstanding guy!

A Place Bumpus Would Like to Visit:Snake Farm. Just Sounds Nasty.

Found with love by Bumpus

Clean and Dry and Fresh Creation

Yo Mama has been sewing one more
time, jes so she wouldn't 4-git how to
do so. Had to move all the stuff off
the old machine, insides now 47 years
old, I think. Got it out, plugged it in
and lo and behold it still cranks up.
This is new curtain for kitchen window
on boat. The former was so ugly I
didn't even take picture of it and now
it is long gone in the garbage truck.
It was dark checks, hung crooked and
just didn't quite cover the window, a
bit narrow. I B thinking Y.M. did a
good job? N E body need a seamstress?

Nasty, nasty, nasty

Yo Mama was embarrassed all winter
due to the lovely shown to your left.
Not nasty arms, frayed. Lucy and I
had to spend all our time sitting in the
chair so no one would see how nasty
it was. Went away to the chair doctor
about 10 days ago and came home
2-day. Y.M. is now a happy boater!