Another neighbor: The Literary Knitter!
http://theliteraryknitter.blogspot.com/
This is highly ironic since I happened onto this whole blogging thing after searching for a Mattel Knit Magic. Had on about 1976 and wanted to make scarves for the whole fam-dam-ly. Acted real nice and Santa brought me one. I'm making a fuzzy pink and purple scarf for my niece.
Monday, January 31, 2005
Why O Why
Why O Why is the blog headquarters turning my latest
info release from dizzy-vertigo-puke-green and makin
it look like a poem that ain't ryming. And Why O Why
does them folks keep my writins in the Edit mode?
If I kan't figger this out I may have to drop on off the
face of the trailer park.
info release from dizzy-vertigo-puke-green and makin
it look like a poem that ain't ryming. And Why O Why
does them folks keep my writins in the Edit mode?
If I kan't figger this out I may have to drop on off the
face of the trailer park.
What the hell ! The kapten is ver-ti-go
We maid the trek home and now the kapten is dizzy,
ben settin in his re-cline-r ever sense he hit shore,
got his buppy pull't up to his nose, dog setting on hem
to hold hem in the chare. Sure is dull-time arount here.
So, I kan't do much enything terday - have to be quite
so the dizzy-green man and his dog can sleep. Send me
sum news. Haven't quite got over the week-end but
will send news sooner or later.
Yo Mama
P.S. How kum my letter in red just sets there on red
and that delete word don't go way? My printer ain't
worken either tuday - where is Uncle M when he be
needed in the eastern shore location of this messy
blog?
ben settin in his re-cline-r ever sense he hit shore,
got his buppy pull't up to his nose, dog setting on hem
to hold hem in the chare. Sure is dull-time arount here.
So, I kan't do much enything terday - have to be quite
so the dizzy-green man and his dog can sleep. Send me
sum news. Haven't quite got over the week-end but
will send news sooner or later.
Yo Mama
P.S. How kum my letter in red just sets there on red
and that delete word don't go way? My printer ain't
worken either tuday - where is Uncle M when he be
needed in the eastern shore location of this messy
blog?
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Dumpster Divin' Ditty
Woke up this morning with too much on my mind.....
Had too much to do and was already behind.....
Went to the Church to work on their books....
But I couldn't find the bank bag, no matter where I looked....
I had it in my car just a few days ago....
But now it was gone and it troubled me so....
I tore up my car and my desk at the house....
I felt so incompetant, so much like a louse....
I was fearin' that God would soon strike me down....
For losin' his records he surely would frown....
But then in an instant I seemed to recall....
That I'd cleaned out my car and emptied it all....
In the TRASH oh my gosh, so where could it be?
I quickly thought through it - the options were three...
I ran first to the kitchen and stomped on the pedal....
Old cat food smell hit me with rusty old metal....
No bank bag in there, I quickly deduced.....
Now it was time to explore option number two....
Outside on the porch is a great big green can....
Which is emptied irregularly by my resident trashman....
Oh could I be lucky I thought and I prayed....
But when I ripped the lid off I was quickly dismayed....
The green can was empty except for a can....
And an old pizza box and a rotting old ham....
My stomach did sink when I knew what was comin'....
So I shut up the can to stop the flies' hummin....
I turned, went inside and let out a sigh.....
Then dug up some trash to use as my disguise....
I trudged to the alley and looked left and right.....
I imagined the gossip that would happen that night....
I found the two dumpsters, both rusty and old.....
They were filthy and moldy and oh so very cold....
I threw open the lid and peered ore' the side.....
At that very moment I lost all my pride....
I heaved myself over and started to look....
Old food, dirty diapers and a worn telephone book....
But under it all what did I soon spy?
That damn white bank bag, with the deposits inside....
I grabbed it real quick and ran while I could.....
Did I make it unnoticed? Was I out of the woods?
But as I ran down the alley I looked up ahead....
And saw in a window an old ladies' head....
My God I'd been spotted, what would they all think....
The President's wife has had too much to drink?
Oh well, that's my tale of misery and woe....
But better a dumpster diver than a drunk or a hoe.
Had too much to do and was already behind.....
Went to the Church to work on their books....
But I couldn't find the bank bag, no matter where I looked....
I had it in my car just a few days ago....
But now it was gone and it troubled me so....
I tore up my car and my desk at the house....
I felt so incompetant, so much like a louse....
I was fearin' that God would soon strike me down....
For losin' his records he surely would frown....
But then in an instant I seemed to recall....
That I'd cleaned out my car and emptied it all....
In the TRASH oh my gosh, so where could it be?
I quickly thought through it - the options were three...
I ran first to the kitchen and stomped on the pedal....
Old cat food smell hit me with rusty old metal....
No bank bag in there, I quickly deduced.....
Now it was time to explore option number two....
Outside on the porch is a great big green can....
Which is emptied irregularly by my resident trashman....
Oh could I be lucky I thought and I prayed....
But when I ripped the lid off I was quickly dismayed....
The green can was empty except for a can....
And an old pizza box and a rotting old ham....
My stomach did sink when I knew what was comin'....
So I shut up the can to stop the flies' hummin....
I turned, went inside and let out a sigh.....
Then dug up some trash to use as my disguise....
I trudged to the alley and looked left and right.....
I imagined the gossip that would happen that night....
I found the two dumpsters, both rusty and old.....
They were filthy and moldy and oh so very cold....
I threw open the lid and peered ore' the side.....
At that very moment I lost all my pride....
I heaved myself over and started to look....
Old food, dirty diapers and a worn telephone book....
But under it all what did I soon spy?
That damn white bank bag, with the deposits inside....
I grabbed it real quick and ran while I could.....
Did I make it unnoticed? Was I out of the woods?
But as I ran down the alley I looked up ahead....
And saw in a window an old ladies' head....
My God I'd been spotted, what would they all think....
The President's wife has had too much to drink?
Oh well, that's my tale of misery and woe....
But better a dumpster diver than a drunk or a hoe.
HELLO, Uncle M! A Poem of Welcome and Comfort. By Fatty.
Don't be yeller bellied,
Don't be afraid.
Just join on in
The hick family parade.
Learn things about us
Even the shrinks don't know
'Bout pooping and possums
And how toenails grow.
Look out for Yo Mama,
Known as BM, too.
She done popped out her teeth
And stuck in a chew,
Then she took to some book learning
And raised up her smarts.
Now she's insulting the neighbors
And talking 'bout farts.
We've gone high tech
From our trailers and boats,
But we shouldn't brag
And we shouldn't gloat.
Cause the dysFUNctional family
Is no better than most,
So raise up your glass
And let's make a toast:
To the d-FUN family
Let's be happy and well!
Cause the Church o' Christ called:
We're all going to hell.
BYE BYE UNCLE M!
Don't be afraid.
Just join on in
The hick family parade.
Learn things about us
Even the shrinks don't know
'Bout pooping and possums
And how toenails grow.
Look out for Yo Mama,
Known as BM, too.
She done popped out her teeth
And stuck in a chew,
Then she took to some book learning
And raised up her smarts.
Now she's insulting the neighbors
And talking 'bout farts.
We've gone high tech
From our trailers and boats,
But we shouldn't brag
And we shouldn't gloat.
Cause the dysFUNctional family
Is no better than most,
So raise up your glass
And let's make a toast:
To the d-FUN family
Let's be happy and well!
Cause the Church o' Christ called:
We're all going to hell.
BYE BYE UNCLE M!
The Lord Has Smiled On Me !!!
The Lord has smiled on me : -- )))))))))))) and Hallelujah I ken onct 'gin be telling it lik it is
usin my faverite moniker. Prey with me that it goes on agin and agin. Yo Luvin Mama
usin my faverite moniker. Prey with me that it goes on agin and agin. Yo Luvin Mama
Hear I yam agin, got a new aka
Well I do declare I think it be the honest truth that Yo Mama is able at long last to share my
most in-ti-mate thots with ya and fer the moment tis that honest to goodness I put my 2 cents worth iders in the all reedy messy catalog of thots and i just kant rekall where! some koment somewhere that semed to me to be fine drop-off spots. Hunt and hunt, see if ya kan locate same. I am now operating as Yo Mama, them Blogfoolks were short on patence with yo mama.
most in-ti-mate thots with ya and fer the moment tis that honest to goodness I put my 2 cents worth iders in the all reedy messy catalog of thots and i just kant rekall where! some koment somewhere that semed to me to be fine drop-off spots. Hunt and hunt, see if ya kan locate same. I am now operating as Yo Mama, them Blogfoolks were short on patence with yo mama.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
A Country Girl's Ob-sir-vay-shun: God Smokes Pot
Driving home from my shift at the special school this evening, I almost had a role-the-truck-and-lose-the-recyclin wreck about sundown. There I was, listening to the radio and feeling kinda peaceful cause I finally got the weight off my feet and cause the sun was just sinking below the trees, when hot damn out of the weeds on the side of the rode waddles the biggest friggin rat I EVER did see. It was bigger than my ol bag-o-house-cat that fills up that butt box three times a week. Good lord, I swerved this way and that, nearly knocked my butt out the tray and my ass out the seat. I mean, I have seen new-tree-uh, those big ol water rats that killed the American dinosaurs back in the golden days, and this thing could of beat one of those monsters in a cockfight ANY day.
I was just starting to scream my prayers to St. Mattress, about how I didn't want to die from giant rat bites, please just take me when the truck rolls over in a dee-sall drenched blazing ball o' glory...then I saw the thing up close. I looked it right in the eyes as I went barrelling out of control past it on the road. The I remembered: it was a POSSUM. Like the one that was hissing behind the dryer one day at my grandma's house and it scared the crap out of me and I ran in and told my 90 year old grandpa and he went out and stuck is double-barrel behind the drier and ---BAM--- blew the thing's nose off and then if finally crawled out and died in the yard but then BABIES started crawling out of a pouch in its stomach like it was some sort of midget kangaroo on acid and then I realized my god that somewhere in the world they probably eat those things, like make tacos out of em or something! Good lord, I will never forget that day.
Whatever the case may be, now I know for sure. God was smoking pot on the day he made possums.
I was just starting to scream my prayers to St. Mattress, about how I didn't want to die from giant rat bites, please just take me when the truck rolls over in a dee-sall drenched blazing ball o' glory...then I saw the thing up close. I looked it right in the eyes as I went barrelling out of control past it on the road. The I remembered: it was a POSSUM. Like the one that was hissing behind the dryer one day at my grandma's house and it scared the crap out of me and I ran in and told my 90 year old grandpa and he went out and stuck is double-barrel behind the drier and ---BAM--- blew the thing's nose off and then if finally crawled out and died in the yard but then BABIES started crawling out of a pouch in its stomach like it was some sort of midget kangaroo on acid and then I realized my god that somewhere in the world they probably eat those things, like make tacos out of em or something! Good lord, I will never forget that day.
Whatever the case may be, now I know for sure. God was smoking pot on the day he made possums.
Long Lost Cousin Debbie! What happened to yer credit rating?
Okay, so I am developing a compulsive need to click the "NEXT BLOG" button, just to see who our neighbor of the nanosecond is. This time, I found Cousin Debbie, a lesbian social worker from Ol' Virginny with a pack o' pets and a "shitty credit rating." What'd she do to deserve that?!?
http://deborahchristine.blogspot.com/
http://deborahchristine.blogspot.com/
Went Next Door Again. And This is What the Neighbor Said:
"Hilo de agua, hilo de vida, hilo de voz... "
It had a lady's picture, but no posts.
What thu hell is that? That don't translate in backwoods East Texas love language. Damn yankees.
It had a lady's picture, but no posts.
What thu hell is that? That don't translate in backwoods East Texas love language. Damn yankees.
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Strange Neighbors...
Yikes! Has anyone looked next door? Click on the "Next Blog" button in the upper right corner of the screen. I don't know if it goes somewhere random or if it always goes to the same person. When I clicked on it, I got sent to a blog called "True Colors" where a woman was posting strange poetry. It was very pink.
I wonder who gets our blog when they click next? Do you think they are impressed? Or distressed? Or undressed? Or expressed?
I wonder who gets our blog when they click next? Do you think they are impressed? Or distressed? Or undressed? Or expressed?
BAHAMA MAMA!
Welcome to the home of the rapping, crapping dysFUNctional family. Snot bubbles is my speciality.
Campin Rap (do you see a theme here???)
Wanna go campin with Bumpus and Farty.... (sorry but Farty rhymes better)
Wanna drink some cosmos and have a little party....
Wanna build a fire and toast some little 'mellows....
Wanna sing some camp songs with the Smallest little fellows....
Wanna cook some beans in my special camper pot....
Wanna cook some burgers and eat 'em while they're hot....
Wanna play some dominoes and drink a little beer....
Wanna feed some corn to the little campground deer....
Wanna sleep till noon and then take a little snooze....
Wanna do nothing if that's what I choose....
Wanna go now, I don't wanna wait....
LOAD UP THE CAMPER AND DON'T MAKE ME WAIT!!!!
Wanna drink some cosmos and have a little party....
Wanna build a fire and toast some little 'mellows....
Wanna sing some camp songs with the Smallest little fellows....
Wanna cook some beans in my special camper pot....
Wanna cook some burgers and eat 'em while they're hot....
Wanna play some dominoes and drink a little beer....
Wanna feed some corn to the little campground deer....
Wanna sleep till noon and then take a little snooze....
Wanna do nothing if that's what I choose....
Wanna go now, I don't wanna wait....
LOAD UP THE CAMPER AND DON'T MAKE ME WAIT!!!!
I AM TRAILER TRASH
Dear Concerned Blog Family Members,
This morning, after receiving a call that my tin can on wheels had arrived at the dealership, I put a few rollers in my hair, covered my feet in a pair of fuzzy bunny slippers, stuck a toothpick on one side of my mouth and a cigarette on the other side of my mouth, jumped in the car (with the windows down and the radio on real loud) and headed off to Abilene to view the hunk of junk for myself. It is truly BE-U-TI-FUL with all the comforts of home. All it needs now is a few crocheted doiles, some fake fur rugs and a velvet Elvis painting and it will be PERFECT! The microwave is installed and ready to heat up that special campin food - ramen noodles (never leave home without 'em). We will be takin' delivery of our metal monster on Friday afternoon; however, due to the fact that SOMEBODY in our house has to go to ORLANDO on Saturday for a business meeting, we are going to have to postpone our first camping trip until the next weekend. HOWEVER, since I am highly agitated that SOMEBODY is going to get within 2 blocks of Mickey Mouse without me, I am sorely tempted to hook the dang thing up myself and head off down I-20, but I am a little afraid that I would end up in a ditch on the 6:00 news. Oh well, it will give me a chance to show Minnie the Campin Kitty her new digs and see how she responds to living in a metal box - she will probably think it is just a larger version of her robo butt box. I understand that OTHER PEOPLE who shall remain nameless may be getting to go camping this weekend and I hope that I can at least live vicariously through them until I get a chance to go myself.
Maybe I need to consider changing my name to reflect my new digs - Thelma, maybe????
P.S. The only one crappin at my house is the three cats
This morning, after receiving a call that my tin can on wheels had arrived at the dealership, I put a few rollers in my hair, covered my feet in a pair of fuzzy bunny slippers, stuck a toothpick on one side of my mouth and a cigarette on the other side of my mouth, jumped in the car (with the windows down and the radio on real loud) and headed off to Abilene to view the hunk of junk for myself. It is truly BE-U-TI-FUL with all the comforts of home. All it needs now is a few crocheted doiles, some fake fur rugs and a velvet Elvis painting and it will be PERFECT! The microwave is installed and ready to heat up that special campin food - ramen noodles (never leave home without 'em). We will be takin' delivery of our metal monster on Friday afternoon; however, due to the fact that SOMEBODY in our house has to go to ORLANDO on Saturday for a business meeting, we are going to have to postpone our first camping trip until the next weekend. HOWEVER, since I am highly agitated that SOMEBODY is going to get within 2 blocks of Mickey Mouse without me, I am sorely tempted to hook the dang thing up myself and head off down I-20, but I am a little afraid that I would end up in a ditch on the 6:00 news. Oh well, it will give me a chance to show Minnie the Campin Kitty her new digs and see how she responds to living in a metal box - she will probably think it is just a larger version of her robo butt box. I understand that OTHER PEOPLE who shall remain nameless may be getting to go camping this weekend and I hope that I can at least live vicariously through them until I get a chance to go myself.
Maybe I need to consider changing my name to reflect my new digs - Thelma, maybe????
P.S. The only one crappin at my house is the three cats
Monday, January 24, 2005
OH MOTHER, WHERE ART THOU?
Oh my dear mother
Floating on the bath-tub waters
Of the inbred, bread-baking world,
God bless 'em all.
Whar ur ya?
We poopers and priestesses
Need your guidance and support!
Sorta like a girdle.
Sign up!
Tune in!
Turn over before you burn your butt in that
Sweet southern sunshine.
Floating on the bath-tub waters
Of the inbred, bread-baking world,
God bless 'em all.
Whar ur ya?
We poopers and priestesses
Need your guidance and support!
Sorta like a girdle.
Sign up!
Tune in!
Turn over before you burn your butt in that
Sweet southern sunshine.
procrASStination rap
Sittin on my butt in front of the tube.....
Hair's looking like it just had a lube
Children all gone - I sent they away......
Not quite sure how I'm gonna spend the day
Need to take a bath cause I'm smellin kinda sour.....
But I ain't got the energy to get in the shower
Played a game of yahtzee, but I got my ass beat.......
Left that stupid site cause I couldn't take the heat
Loaded up on stool softners, just waitin for the time.......
I can button my jeans and move on down the line
The phone just rang and the message was clear.......
GET YOUR BUTT IN THE CAR CAUSE' THE NEW CAMPER IS HERE!!!!!
My energy is back and I'm gonna get in gear......
Gonna view my new trailer and maybe drink a beer
Be back in touch soon to finish this rap......
In the meantime just pray that I get to take a crap!!
Hair's looking like it just had a lube
Children all gone - I sent they away......
Not quite sure how I'm gonna spend the day
Need to take a bath cause I'm smellin kinda sour.....
But I ain't got the energy to get in the shower
Played a game of yahtzee, but I got my ass beat.......
Left that stupid site cause I couldn't take the heat
Loaded up on stool softners, just waitin for the time.......
I can button my jeans and move on down the line
The phone just rang and the message was clear.......
GET YOUR BUTT IN THE CAR CAUSE' THE NEW CAMPER IS HERE!!!!!
My energy is back and I'm gonna get in gear......
Gonna view my new trailer and maybe drink a beer
Be back in touch soon to finish this rap......
In the meantime just pray that I get to take a crap!!
Monday Morning Blues......
Woke up this morning fat and constipated and got to deal with a sick almost teenager who is a true drama queen. On top of that the robo butt box needs to be emptied, the human butt boxes are all coated with scum and brown rings and I have to start trying to find my "Purpose" in life - not a pretty way to start the day............I think I will retire to my memory foam mattress, eat some chocolate and dream about camping........
Sunday, January 23, 2005
Holy, holy, holy: In Praise of Late Worship at St. Mattress
Nothing feels better than sleeping in your very own king-sized pillow-top bed after a night of roughing it in the driveway! I slept until 9 AM, had a lovely omlette with cheese and jalepenos, and then closed my eyes and went to home-church-in-my-head until 1 PM.
Whew! After all that worship, I need a trip to the Dairy Queen, the Texas Stop Sign, for some ice cream!
After that, we're headed to the local grocery store to oooh-ahhh over the new meat and cheese cold cases. The previous ones were about 40 years old, and I cried when they carted them away. Good bye, ye old pimento loaf and sal-mo-niller sandwiches!
PS: I LOVE EX-CLER-MAY-SHUN POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whew! After all that worship, I need a trip to the Dairy Queen, the Texas Stop Sign, for some ice cream!
After that, we're headed to the local grocery store to oooh-ahhh over the new meat and cheese cold cases. The previous ones were about 40 years old, and I cried when they carted them away. Good bye, ye old pimento loaf and sal-mo-niller sandwiches!
PS: I LOVE EX-CLER-MAY-SHUN POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whew........ Where are my Creative Juices when I need them?
Feeling intimidated by the descriptive monologues heretofore posted on this educational site, Cat-Crap-Fever is hoping that her creative juices will start flowing so that she might appropriately respond to the earlier posts by Fatty. That being said, Cat-Crap-Fever also hopes that her creative juices are the only juices that DO start flowing..........if you know what I mean.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Pie-o-near Woman am I!
We had some high adventure last night and did a little spontaneous DC (Driveway Camping). Bumpus was never happier than when I called him at work and said, "Hey, wanna pop-up tonight? I'll help!" Then he realized what I was really referring to, and he was still game.
In 15 minutes the farty party mobile was set up. We made the beds, got the computer and a DVD, made some pop-corn, and had our first dysFUNctional family night in the skamper. Very fun. And very nice to wake up this morning with the cool breeze, the birdsong, and the raw-cuss morning boo-kay of my three boys all in one room. Thank god the air circulation was fantastic.
Bumpus is more and more excited about the impending adventures with Fatty and the Gang. All he wants now is a table caddy.
In 15 minutes the farty party mobile was set up. We made the beds, got the computer and a DVD, made some pop-corn, and had our first dysFUNctional family night in the skamper. Very fun. And very nice to wake up this morning with the cool breeze, the birdsong, and the raw-cuss morning boo-kay of my three boys all in one room. Thank god the air circulation was fantastic.
Bumpus is more and more excited about the impending adventures with Fatty and the Gang. All he wants now is a table caddy.
Friday, January 21, 2005
Am I Insane? or Just the #1 Dysfunctional Family Member?
Has anyone else noticed that I seem to be talking to myself on this thing? Am I really just a butterfly imagining that I am a middle-aged, slightly pudgy Earth Mother?
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Get Our Your Toe Sep-er-ay-ters: Here Comes Uncle M!
Once, when I had my toenails painted a lovely shade of silvery blue, my loving mother inquired as to which trailer park I called home. Well, now the TRAILER IS COMING, baby! Uncle M is bringing us the pop-up party farty mobile. I'll be standing in the driveway waitin' for the 6 PM arrival.
Might the robo-butt-box fit in the pull-along ass-eye-lim?
(Yes, I've decided that, when I'm not sure how to spell something, I'll just opt for Texas Country Fer-net-icks!)
Might the robo-butt-box fit in the pull-along ass-eye-lim?
(Yes, I've decided that, when I'm not sure how to spell something, I'll just opt for Texas Country Fer-net-icks!)
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Whew Wee! Mama Can't SPEL!
Bumpus just pointed out that I had titled this "dyFUNctional family." I dun fixed the muther now.
YEEEE HAAAAA! Whar's the Bevvies?
Alls we need now is some swirlies or cosmos, and we've got a par-ty!
PS: We're still worried about the butt box over here.
PS: We're still worried about the butt box over here.
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