Let's think about this logically. If you PUT YOUR BUTT ON THE SEAT, then there is no way that you are going to pee on the seat. If you leave the seat clean and dry (this is assuming that you don't have any poop or other foreign matter smeared on the side of your buttcheek), then it will be ready to go when the next woman comes in and she will carry on the more san-ee-terry tradition that you just started by sitting her own butt down on the toilet. Then that woman will be so happy and RELIEVED that she did not sit down in a spot of cold pee that she will call her daughter and make the lady in the ellie-men-tree school front office get her out of third grade math class and she will get her daughter on the phone and shout like it's an overseas call only really she's just happy and she will say, "HONEY! FORGET WHAT I TOLD YOU EARLIER AND JUST SIT YOU BUTT RIGHT ON THAT TOILET SEAT!" And then that girl will go back to class and when it's time for recess and the teacher makes the whole class take a potty break first, well then that brave and smart third-grade little girl will take on a LEADERSHIP ROLE cause if she's like me she's 10 and she's repeating the third grade to improve her reading skills and she will gather all those skinny little buck-toothed 8 and 9 year old little third grade girls tightly around her in a little girly huddle and she will pro-claim right there in the ellie-men-tree school bathroom: MY MAMA SAID I SHOULD SIT MY BUTT RIGHT ON THAT SEAT, YES SHE DID. And then those scrawny little girls will ooooh and ahhh at how brave this natural born leader is and they will put their butts on the seats and then the second and first graders will see them and will de-fi everything their Mamas ever taught them about public san-ee-tay-shun and they will PUT THEIR BUTTS ON THE SEATS, too. And we will have started a rev-o-lou-shun, a rev-o-lou-shun of public toilet seats WITHOUT COLD PEE ON THEM and we will be safe and we will know that we can just sit our butts right on those seats!
Of course, then some smart ass has to tell me that in some parts of the world the toilets are just holes in the ground that women squat over. Well fine, then, I am hear-by starting a CHARITABLE cam-pane, with 100% of all donations going to make poster signs. We will put full-color posters at all the border crossings and at the air ports and at the bus stations and at every passport check-in station and before any foreign women can enter this fine country of the free and the brave and Captain Kirk, they will have to SIGN AN AFFEE-DAVID SAYING THAT THEY WILL PUT THEIR BUTTS ON AMERICAN POTTIES. And then the rev-o-lou-shun will spread and a smart person in one of those foreign countries will invent a hole-in-the-ground-to-proper-seat-for-your-butt adjuster device and that person will get RICH and will employ only recovering squatter women and that inventer will start a special fund to buy adjuster devices for the poor women of the world and as a result democracy and peace will spread all the way to ALASKA! And when I go on a cruise up there, I will be able to sit down and pee without being shocked and creeped out by someone else's ice cold tinkle drops on the seat.
B'hai b'hai, all in praise of St. Mattress say "God Bless you, SIT DOWN, and amen."
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