LA COCINA HERE WE COME!!!

Jes a waitin for YM to get here so I can add another roll to my middle section!



Dear Cat Crap,
My two young boys are already headed for therapy. Just having me as a mother ensures that they'll get their money's worth there. A little editing was required here to stop the stares and gawking...
Love, Fatty

Dear Fatty,

I had no idea that the boys were privy to our family dys-function or I would CERTAINLY have not posted bodacious tatas on our family historical (hysterical) record..... Just bill me for an extra hour of counseling :)

Love, Cat-Crap

Well, As Long as We're Sharin'

How 'bout you Cat Crap? Whatchoo got in yer closet?

O MY GOD !!!

Here She B - Y. M. the dancin
queen of SWTTEX, gotta free
alkee-hol-free bev komplements
of the Kaptain Supevisor. Jes
wanna make sure youse people
no that Precious Hanna Grace
of all talent and beauty ain't the
only poser in the troop. I mitey
proud 2 B a rela-tiv of all you
folks. Even wore my newly
home made neklace 2 dress
it all up. Ain't this cute, I think
this pose B of Y.M. headin out
4 a nite on the town of SWT
-- do ya wanna join me? I took
it myself - legs do Not need a
razor shavin, mus be bad
pitcher takin machine.

WHELMED OVER, YOU ARE

Iffin the first shock weren't nuf,
getta load of thiss-un. Y.M. is
a M-I-tating a bird a-standin on
won leg, a-gittin ready to take
off like Batlady N 2 th Wild
Blue Yonder to SWTTEX.

Magoo and Her Yo-gee

This is such an amazing time of development, the time when they start learning words. It seems like Rufus has talked since before I was born, so getting to witness this growth again with Magoo is very special. She now mimicks anything and picks up more words a day than I can count, although her speech is still underdeveloped, so sometimes she has to say the word over and over and then point before her poor, dumb mama actually catches on. Thankfully, she is patient with me.

One of her favorite new words is yo-gee. It has two meanings...yogurt and yoga. We can figure out which one it is by where she is standing, pointing, and yelling. If she is in front of the icebox, then we know it's yogurt. In front of the TV is yoga. (I gave myself a Wii balance board for my birthday, and it came with Wii Fit, which includes yoga poses.) Here are pictures of Magoo in her bathing suit and cowboy hat demonstrating her favorite yo-gees: the tree and the warrior.

She Can't Hold Her Licker

You will notice a trend in the House de la Magoo...she cannot hold her licker either. In fact, we are in a lick-but-don't-eat ritual at the breakfast/brunch/lunch/dinner/supper table.

Maybe this, along with frequent yo-gee, is how smart women stay skinny? I wouldn't know.

In the photo, she is licking the syrup off of her pancake plate. This was after she picked up each chunk of pancake, sucked the syrup off, then put the blob of soggy dough back in a neat pile on her plate.

Boudreaux Turns 10!...Again

Somehow, a festive birthday celebrated by pancakes in the pineywoods and capped off with the purchase of Il Penguini, the camping AC, is not quite enough to make these modern 10 year olds feel loved and appreciated. They want a pizza-and-wii orgy. So we gathered up four out of the five bestest buddies (#5 was out of town), went to Sam's for three huge take-and-bake pizzas, stripped the living room of anything Amish, gave Rufus the old "you have to be patient...your birthday will come soon" peptalk, stirred the big blue jello shot known as the Walmart pool, made a gallon of koolade, and got down to business.

In a move that signaled the G-woman herself was smiling down from heaven and bestowing approval without even thinking about it, Boudreaux requested Boston Cream Pie cupcakes for his official celebration. Photos below provide a glimpse of the festivities...

Notice the small girlchild right at home in the middle of all the boys...

Mom makes yet another smart-assed comment to Boudreaux.
The G-Woman smiles down on some very fine BCP cupcakes.

He did not like it when I asked, "Is that your girlfriend?"

Magoo eventually helped herself to three cupcakes, in a heart-felt attempt
to break the Guiness record for most cupcakes licked but never bitten in one sitting.

Poor kids...now they think that cupcakes and a stack of presents are supposed to be a normal part of weekly life...Magoo often runs over to where the gifts were stacked, points up there, and yells "present!" When I hold my hands up and say, "No more presents. All gone!" She gives me the evil eye and yells "MEAN!"

Twenty Steps and about 30 Minutes to Nirvana

Cheese Enchiladas with Chile con Carne

1. put ~1 lb. of ground sirloin or chuck in a skillet and begin to brown
2. add 1-2 Tbs chile powder, 1-2 Tbs onion powder, 1-2 Tbs garlic powder
3. add salt and pepper to taste
4. stir until completely browned
5. pour meat into a colander to drain
6. set the colander back in the skillet you used to brown the meat
7. when the meat is drained, set colander aside.
8. judge how much grease is in the pan--you want about 2 Tbs.
9. discard any extra, but make sure that little bits of meat remain.
10. heat grease and add ~2 Tbs flour
11. stir until a smooth paste has formed
12. add water, stirring quickly with a whisk, until smooth gravy has formed to desired consistency (leave a little bit runny for time in oven)
13. add meat to gravy (I used 1/2 and saved the other 1/2 of the meat for later)
14. heat through until simmering
15. spray 12 corn tortillas with butter-flavored Pam (front and back)
16. microwave in batches of 4, 45 seconds per batch
17. fill with shredded cheddar cheese (~1 lb), roll up, and put in a baking dish, also sprayed with Pam
18. pour meat gravy over enchiladas
19. top with finely chopped onions either now or after baking
20. bake at 375 until bubbly

East Texus Whirlpool

Cheesecake and bubbles are free.

Some People 'n' Other People

Some people take their families to Disney World over yonder towards Yo Mama and give their kids a vacation of a life time. Other people dump ice in the yard and let the kids and the dog to sit in it and cool their jets.

Some people share fun pictures from the most excellent adventure with their life-long friends. Other people drink two large glasses of cheap whine and then take those pictures and get busy photoshoppin'.

Some people got clear bubbles round their heads. Other people got somethin' secret special sauce foggin' their bubble up...ewww. WTH?

Eatin Double Fisted

At a resent event of sum 50 folks
in an outdoor motor-sickle eating
joint, U B proud as a peacock 2 no
that The Kaptain was the ONLY
one who needed dessert and he
wuz prouder than U can imagine
when they brought it 2 him with
2 forks so he could eat that
chocolate pie with lotsa whipped
cream, with both hands going at
the same time. Viva la diet !
Y.M., only an observer, jes along
4 the ride...........

What Is This?

This B a guessing game. It be white, have won door, won winder and it sits next to
my new-next-door-nabors-2-B. It connected to that house over yonder beside me
at the lake. U can open the door, so can the nabors, so can beer drinkers, so can
wet sailing folks, swimmers, yard men, BBQ chefs, roofers, siding installers, all
kinds and sorts of humanity. Have you figgered it out yet???? Scroll on down !

"a few of my favorite things"

This B one of Y.M.'s new Favorite Things. Jes B-cause it not B on MY property if of
no con-c-quence. Can-cha jes C them boyes doing there manly thing and keeping
this little ditty clean for all the nabors? Joy is N my heart. Y.M.

Y. M. Soliciting Assistance

Ever day, cum hell or hi water,
same scene a takin plase in my
house. Thissun with smilin and
happy face, sez, "what R U
plannin for breakfast this morn".
Now - my girlies No - I NOT
planning NOTHING. I bite my
tongue and sez "whaddaya want?"
He sez, "whacha got". I sez, same
ole stuff .........rattle it off...... "got
n.e. bananas?", "nope". "I got chocolate muffins fulla chocolate chip
candy!!!" "Oh boy, that B what I want!" Problem solved, 1 more time.
N.E. Idears .............he don't no how 2 open icebox or take paper off
muffins neither. Makes Y.M. wunder how he survives when I dis -a-
peer to Tejas.

I'll Just Have To Think About That

Big Problem at our house 2-day. Kaptain B trying 2 D-side iffin it cost more to go to naborhood h'ware store and buy a can of spray paint (high
prices most probablee prevale) OR use that high price gaso and go 2 a doller store and hope they mite have sum plain ole white paint to spray a
anchor he B takin to Sailor Man, the local resale store. Seems to Y.M., he outta put that anchor in the car, go to hardware store, buy paint, spray
anchor in parkin lot, then go across street to Sailor man and drop it off. Killin 2 bird with one stone.

The Maiden Voyage, Part 2

Things were going swimmingly until somehow the Skipper and Gilligan managed to turn the little boat COMPLETELY UPSIDE DOWN (the picture does not give a good representation of how the boat ended up) and in the process the steering thing-a-majiggee (the tiller, I think) broke off and sank to the bottom of the lake. There they were, the Skipper and Gilligan, floating around in the lake tryin to turn the boat over. Meanwhile, a very fancy ski boat came over and volunteered to help, but the Skipper being the proud man that he is said NO - I CAN DO IT BY MYSELF (while Gilligan looked longingly at the nice new motorized boat). It took about ten minutes, but finally the boat got turned over and the Skipper and Gilligan threw their bodies over the edge and got back in the thing. Then they had to figure out how to sail it back to shore without the steering thing-a-majiggee and lo and behold they finally accomplished this task. Meanwhile, Ginger (aka ME) was happily sitting on the shore drinking beer and being glad that she was not a passenger on this doomed voyage. The Skipper assures me that the boat will be in ship-shape once he goes to the hardware stores and buys a couple of shovel handles to make a new steering thing-a-majiggee.

The Maiden Voyage

Here are Mike and Matthew on the maiden voyage of our craigslist purchase. I was wise and stayed on the shore to be the official photographer of this momentous occasion. Mike was very proud that his ancient sailing skills resurfaced and he was able to get the thing threaded and knotted and whatever the hell else he had to do to it before it could go on the water. Although the back end of the boat seemed to be dangerously near to being underwater, the little boat took right off and soon the Skipper and Gilligan were zipping across the water.......

August 2005 was Damned Funny, Too

Again, the title is a link.

August brought us a number of excellent episodes in the life of the d-f-f, including...

Rufus flipping the bird at river riding rednecks.
Hairballs from fat ass cats in West Texus.
Hairballs from god knows where over in the East.
Topless cheerleaders.
Gas. Lots of gas.
Fatty in her weddin' dress.
Cat Crap in her weddin' dress.
Yo Mama, with her hair all fancy dyed, in knee socks, a bra, and a long skirt (looking, I might add, like a reject from that LDS cult over near Brownwood...kicked out cause her skirt is slit too high and her hair don't do just right...now trying to get herself a job doing infomercials for Armin Hammer).
Pubbies in the Carmex.
Harry Potter.
A necked boy on a horse.

I got myself a little ab workout and a few Kegels off of that one.

June 2005 was a Very Good Month

(Click on the title above to go back to June 2005. In the archives, not for real, you smart ass.)

Hard to believe that was three years ago. I just had a very fine time reviewing what life was like back then and laughing a little of my jiggly bits off in the process. That was the month of the Hairy Peety Pit. Lots has changed since then.

Rufus Finds a Fair Match

One of the stressful-awkward-interesting-fun things about Rufus getting going with school is that it is a chance for us to meet a whole new set of families. Living in a small town as a "newcomer" (we've lived in this area for over 14 years) is awesome because you get to know "everyone" but without being part of the small-town gossip BS. We just keep our noses out of it as much as we can and so remain on the fringes of the drama.

Boudreaux has been in school long enough that not only does he have an established set of ~6 close friends but also we as parents have made friends with many of those families. Some of those families have kids in the same grade as Rufus, but most of those younger siblings are actually girls, which means that Rufus is making friends outside of this established circle. One such friend is named Lucas. Lucas has an awesome Mom named Margaret, who I like very much. She is fun and smart and has excellent perspective...partially because she is Mom to three boys, ages 8, 10, and 15. Good lord bless her.

Lucas was over playing the other day. He is the one who taught Rufus about loving Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple. They are brothers in '70s rock. Margaret told me this hilarious story that I had to record for posterior.

Margaret had sent Lucas to his grandma's house. Lucas and grandma had decided to go Christmas shopping, to buy something for Margaret from her son. Suddenly, Margaret received a phone call, with her Mom (grandma) frantically whispering on the other end.

G: "I have a very odd question that I need to ask you."

M: "Okay...?"

G: "Do you need some new underwear?"

M: "Uh, no. I just bought some last month when they were on sale. I have plenty of underwear..........but that is a very strange question. Why are you asking me that?"

G: "Because Lucas is determined that he must buy you some new underwear for Christmas."

M: "Why would he care about buying me underwear for Christmas?"

G: "He is insistent. He says that all your underwear are worn out...that they are 'broken' and 'the butts have fallen out.'"

Margaret wears thongs.

Goozie Magoo Done Turned Two

Today, the precious, peachy, prancing, princess of East Texus and general queen of the house turned two years old. She is a sweet, sweet little pumpkin, except when she is screaming "no," "mine," or "hobbit" in the Exorcist voice that Rufus taught her.

We had a simple party. Bumpus's parents came over for dinner, cupcakes, and presents. Thank you, Yo Mama, for adding to the pile.

The big present was a wooden kitchen that came in a box as 7,842 pieces and that I, Fatty-Who-Loves-a-Good-Screw driver, put together from 11 PM to 2 AM on the night of my own 78th birthday. I am happy to announce that the kitchen has NO COMPUTER CHIPS and makes NO NOISE. Score one for the Amish in East Texus!

Since the kitchen was the it-gift, we had to stock that puppy with some supplies. Magoo got some Melissa and Doug wooden food that attaches with velcro and comes with a knife so she can (1) practice cutting up nutritious meals to feed her growing passle of babies and (2) run screaming through the house wielding the knife against Rufus like some director's cut scene out of Psycho.

I made some home made cupcakes (no boxed mix even! Go Fatty!), vanilla with vanilla buttercream icing, and piped flowers on the top. After running to pee (three kids, no control), I came back to find Magoo sitting at the table, happily eating one of the them. Thankfully, I still had enough to fill up the "cake cake" tree.

Here she is showing off one of her favorite hand gestures. She can say that she is two, including the word, but she has to put her two index fingers together. Something about pinning down those other two pesky digits with your thumb is difficult at this age. If she is feeling frisky, then she indicates her age by holding up double thumbs. We know where this one is going to school...

After dinner and cupcakes came the shredding of the paper. With the boys, I remember them not caring what was in the boxes--they only wanted to rip them open like frogs in a biology lab, only to toss them aside and grab for the next. Sweet Magoo wanted to explore each present, and I felt bad having to say, "No! Open more. You can look later!"

Yo Mama sent a very fine box of red-themed goodies. The skirt was immediately donned. Magoo then climbed up on the kitchen table and proceeded to shake her butt in our faces. Now this sounds more like one of those college parties Aunt Choc used to go to...

Ye Old Harvest Hath Proven Fruitful: So Start Fryin' the Bacon

Ha on your Mr. FDA Man and Mr. I-Put-My-EColi-On-Yer-Maters-Freak! The garden done started shellin' out the good stuff. Next time you see me, I will look like Violet Boreaguard (the one on Willie Wonka who blew up like a blueberry), only I'll be scarlet red.

Notice the average sized soup spoon for scaling.

Those are cucumbers on the left. They are actually a pickling variety but grow easily and have great flavor. I don't pickle anything 'cept myself, so we just eat them in salads.

On the right is little packets of chocolates, just to make sure I have all the food groups covered.

Slip Slidin' AwayAnd No, I Hadn't Been Drinking

Fatty's Foolish Step #1:
Get out the three-lane slip 'n' slide.

Fatty's Foolish Step #2:
Figger out that you can run at the slip 'n' slide and throw your body on a cheap blow-up tube and fly all the way to the end of the runway.

Fatty's Foolish Step #3:
Decide that she's not too old or fat or inflexible to give #2 a try herself.

Showing Our Muscles
They took a picture of me doing the same.
Thank God for the delete button.

Boudreaux's Flying Leap: ONWARD FINE FELLOW!

No surprise how Rufus's trip turned up.


Proof of Fatty's Bad Decision.
I should also post a photo of a large dose of Advil here.
For the smart asses out there: yes, I am moving, and yes, I made it to the end.

Chokes 'n' Maters

This year our garden has been very pretty! I even sneaked in some weed spray on the aisles, so we don't have to weed it much. We've had lots of squash and cucumbers, some Japanese eggplant, and some okra. The asparagus plants are coming along (too young to harvest much). Our tomato plants are so heavy with fruit that many of them have fallen over but are still growing. But the big surprise was that we had an artichoke emerge! It is really too hot to grow these here, but we gave them a chance. Unfortunately, when I was trimming it to steam it, the artichoke had a ring of rot in the middle. :(

Much Cooler than When He Was Nine:Boudreaux Turns 10!

My Life with Larry, Mo, and Girly

Last Thursday morning, I...a lone, brave, naive, and falsely optimistic mother of 3...loaded up the pop-up camper and took off for a state park about two hours from home. Bumpus couldn't join us immediately because he had to work, but we were meeting two families at the park for some lovely fun in the 30 mph sustained winds and the 95+ degree temperatures.

The trip was easy, and the good news was that the wind couldn't penetrate that dense piney wood forest. The bad news was that the wind couldn't penetrate that dense piney wood forest, but the heat and humidity had no trouble.

Of course, the other two families had lovely newer RVs--one hard sided bumper pull and one pop-up with a slide out. Yes, both had air conditioners. What kind of fool family goes camping in Texas after about April 1 without an AC? That's right. My family. We love our pop-up, which is now 19 years old, according to the 1989 manufacturing date on the door jam. It is simple and light and easy. And hot as hell.


One of the other families, feeling a heap o' guilt over the pitiful (and sweaty) single mother-of-many, lent us a really nice high-powered fan, and sometime around 4 AM, it did get a little cooler, but basically, although we were having a fun time, we were pretty miserable, with no hope for an AC escape. We even saw plain tents on the ground that people had cut holes in the side for a window unit. I love that East Texus injun-ooooooo-ity.

While we were on this adventure, Boudreaux had his 10th birthday. There's a humbling date for a mom. Double digits. He is a great kid--very good with his little sister even if he is getting a little mouthy with me.

I, in my infinitely loving and typical ways, had stuffed his birthday presents into a large Huggies diaper box and taped it shut. As we were packing for the trip, I kept yelling that we better not forget the diapers. Thankfully, Bumpus brought the diapers with him when he drove over Friday night.

Saturday morning, as I cooked breakfast, we made Boudreaux go get the diaper box and then I informed him that since he was now 10 years old, he was ready to start helping me change Magoo's dirty diapers. He didn't look pleased but he also had a look on his face like he knew I was up to my normal b.s. He opened the box and was excited to find birthday loot. Later on, we celebrated by turning two chocolate cupcakes into wax-topped bonfires.

The other way we celebrated, of course, was by going to Wal-Mart--a local one near the state park. Isn't that how everybody celebrates important holidays? Hello? Low prices EVERY DAY. Who can resist? While we were there, Bumpus and I meandered over to the AC aisle. We have been arguing over the past two years because I wanted to cut a hole in our popup and stick a window unit in it. He said that was just one big step too far into East Texus for him. Damn conservative.

But this time, fate was with us. In celebration of Boudreaux's 10th, my 30-somethingth, Magoo's 2nd, and Father's Day (all of which happen in the first 1/2 of June), we BOUGHT AN AC for the pop-up! It is a free-standing unit that cools, de-humidifies, and (should we ever camp in the winter) heats. Saturday night was the best camping night of my life...yet.

Mark the Date:June 6, 2008Fatty Stood Up to Rufus and Told Him NO!

Riding in the car on the way to go camping:

"Mom? What is algebra?"

Fatty: "Uuuuuuuhhhhhhh...it's a method of calculating equations using symbols."

"Can you teach it to me this weekend?"

Wisdom of Rufus #606

Rufus: "Mom. What does it mean when someone "purses" his lips?"

Fatty: "Well, it usually means that person is really angry or frustrated."

Rufus: "Then why aren't your lips pursed all the time?"

Now Showing in East Texus:Malt Didneywerld Persents...

Beauty and the Beast on Ice

What better way to cool yer tootie on a hot summer day?