Fatty's Got Several Issues and the Big One is the Weather Man

Every day of my recent life, between 5 PM and 6 PM, several significant parts of the universe collide with the sort of life altering explosion that makes me run for the box of cheap wine:

• I look up from my computer (where I've been engrossed in trying to work for the past 8-10 hours) to see, horrified and feeling exactly like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, that it's happening again...


• Children start coming out of the wood work, yelling "I'm HONGRY! What's fer dinner? NO I DON'T WANT THAT!"


• Someone shorter than waist-level starts yanking on my clothes, usually screaming.


• Bumpus walks in from work, hoping against hope to find a happy Cleaver Clan waiting with no snot on their faces, skids in their shorts, or stench of cheap boxed whine on their breath.


• Katie Couric comes on the TV.


• I realize that I have no Martha Stewart-worthy meal prepared and no loverly tablescape to serve it on.


• I realize that I don't even have the ingredients available for the above.


• I look at the house, which seems to have been hit once again by the dual devastation of Hurricane Magoo and Hurricane Rufus while I was engrossed in my work.


• I suddenly need a nap.


• The weather man comes on TV.

The result is that I go from zero to bitchy in less than 1.27 seconds. And nothing tops that off with a bigger gulp of wine than the weather man. Now, I have nothing against our own particular weather man. It's ALL OF THEM. Why are they all so damned Katy Couricky perky? Is it because they are going to make guesses that might not come true and that 9 out of 10 times we're not going to like what they say any way? Willard Scott is the worst at being overly sir-up-ee, hippity happity doo. I'd like to stick a pencil up his nose.

What we need in this world is a "real life" weather man. How about "reality TV weather"? This person would come on looking slightly rumpled, no make up, possibly slurring due to cheap boxed wine. He would say things like "Hey you bunch of domps! It's hotter than hell outside! What the hell are you doing leaving your kids in the car?!?" or he might say, "I've seen more than my share of idiots driving 80 mph in the rain. If you mental midgets haven't looked outside yet, it's raining, so slow down!" Or how about "yep, it's rained almost 2 inches today, enough that your Fido's turd has floated into your neighbor's yard...now your neighbor has another reason to hate your sorry ass."

Then at least I would know it was a real person and not a Max Hedroom talking to me.

Do I sound a little annoyed? Just look at what time I posted this.