Fatty (ACHOO!) Ponders #929

Damn rag weed. The allergies in my house are awful right now. I wake up in the middle of the night sneezing. I sneeze while I'm on the phone. I sneeze at the top, quarters, and bottom of every hour. I sneeze in the shower. This could turn into a Dr. Seuss poem.

Question being Pondered:

If you sneeze (and I mean multiple times) in the shower, is it legal, ethical, and lady-like to farmer blow? Or are you supposed to stop the water, get out, dry off, and get a kleenex, which will, of course, fall apart in your slightly damp fingers as shampoo runs into your eyes?

Yo Mama? You got an opinion or should I send this to Miss Manners and get myself published in the newsy paper?

The Wisdom of Rufus's Friends, Those Dirt Balls and Dust Bunnies

Three or four times a year, I like to go eat lunch at the germ factory, otherwise known as our outstanding elementary facility. It's a good habit to have, allowing me to annoy the principal with my petty gripes, to sample the caf-I-tear-ya cuisine, to force a horrified Boudreaux into kissing his mama on the cheek in front of all his buddies, and to get some playground rocks in my shoe all at the same time, while effectively unsettling all the teachers: "what IS she doing here? what kind of trouble is THAT parent causing?" So Goozie got gussied up in a loverly little pink cordouroy number with matchin' bloomers, christened the outfit with a few tablespoons of barf, and joined me in the Big Mama Bus, which we took up to la escuela. I accomplished three of my four goals at set forth above (annoying, sampling, kissing) and then set out for some play ground adventures. These sorts of visits were very successful in getting to know Boudreaux's friends. So now we have to start over with Rufus.

Recess is an amazing thing. Lots of the classic game chase-the-boys, chase-the-girls goes on in kindergarten. I'm proud, in fact, to announce that I procured the infectious disease chicken pox by chasing, catching, and kissing a boy at Aunt Pattie's kiddie corral. When the weather is dry, all this chasing kicks up a huge dust cloud. It's like Pigpen from Charlie Brown, only with a dust devil of short little legs running around inside the cloud of brown dirt.

After trekking through the cloud of chaos and before I even sat down on the bench, I was surrounded by a mob of precious, sweet, jumping, screaming children, all sticking their fingers up Goozie's nose and into her eyes and tugging on her feet and asking the important questions "Is that uh girrul er a bow-ey? Does it pee a lot? Can I pet it?"

Once I sat down, talk turned strangely enough to injuries and ailments. Was I at an elementary school or a nursing home? About 8 of them surrounded me all talking at once. Here's what was swirling around me, as Rufus sat, overwhelmed at my side, quiet, for one of the first times in his life (!). And yes, these are reasonably accurate quotations. I didn't make this up:

"I got a skinned knee. Wanna see my scab?"

"Well, I got the tip of my finger caught in a door and cut off! Look at whar my fangernail use ta be!"

"Look here at my ear! My Mom gets stuff out of it that's ORANGE!"

"Once I got poked in the eye with a stick and had to get stitches."

"Oh yea? Well I live with my granny, cause my Dad died and my Mom did something real, real bad. And I have a mosquito bite right here! On mah foot! See it?"

"Once, I cut my hand with a piece of broken glass!"

"I got stung by a bee on my leg! See the scar down here? Hey Lady Mommy Person! Look down here at mah le-egg!"

And in the chaotic whirlwind of this biohazzardous report, one statement made me interupt the symphony and reply.

Precious Dusty Girlchild: "Hey! I got bit by a bull ant once...and it REALLY hurt!"

Fatty, with rocks in shoes and dust up nose: "A bull ant? How did you know it was a bull ant?"

PDG: "Cause it was BIG!"

F w/rocks: "How big?"

PDG: "Well, bigger than a cow ant anyways. Boys are always bigger than the girls."

I left recess thinking she was full of you-know-what...but then I did my research! I'm not sure if the child has visited Australia or New Caledonia lately...but she was on to something... The top picture is a bull ant, and the bottom picture is a cow ant. Who knew?!?

Kaptain Dun Passed Out on the Street N Frunt offa Bar

N now he be in the hospital for 2nd nite running while smart people try to figger out What The H--- B his problem. Jes standing there and droppet to the ground. Sumbody called 911 and away he went. Been a long day yestidday and 2-day but he hurrying home in the a.m. so I kan get my self to TX. Whew! That wuz a close one! They sez he B jes fine, Thank You. C U soon. 

Farmacia Cocina del Mamacita

Jes thot I mite take U on a little tour of our homesite 2-day 'n see what U think of it all.

Here B the farmacia, complete with flashlight a-standin, computer table sumtimes used for eatin , dog collar and leash, luvely plant, famlee apointment book, and lotsa patio stuff stored rite in frunt of some storm winder covers. How do ya like it ! Shore makes life simple when ever-thing portant is within reech. 

WE B WAITING AND WAITING AND WAITING

Wheather men dun tole us 2006 wood be nother big one sew on Aug. 22 we borded up sum winders and piled the outside inside and here we sits jes waiting. This B a view of our porch and dining room stuff. Mite start new trend in decor. 

Wantin Our Guests 2 Feel At Home Here

Kaptain keeping his bathroom scales tween the guest chair and the tv in the livin room so they kan weigh fore and after eating Mama's good cookin. Thinkin he mus be com-ple-mentin my good cookin. Think sew?

Big sekret is there ain't no guest cookin or eatin whilst the livin room staying n such homey shape. 

Kan U Name All the Stuff On the Table?

1. TV changer
2. blue handle tiny toothbrush for speshul
hard stuff to reach
3. white plastic tooth-picker
4. razor to shave face or whatever
5. container of toothpicks

All this and more in our very own living room at all times and 4 all e-vents, cluding kumpanie to visit. Wunder where that dirty hanky is that
usually sets there - I don't touchet, myself. Yo
Mama likes kleenex bettern wet hankies. Guess
livin room B cross tween Fox Central and the
bathroom. 

A World Wide Guinnes Record Holder

Here B my old friend from Bahamas place that has this 13" waste, jes makes me hungrie 2 even think bout it. I gotta new friend for thissun - jes check out the pic below. I kinda B thinkin they got sumthin in common.

Faces be Re-moved to protect the N-O-cent 

New Friend for Old Friend

Jes run n-2 a new friend 4 my friend I tole U bout a while back, don't no if U ever did meet ole friend but here B new one. Jes sumthin to think bout. Yo Mama wunders and wunders .... wunder if that ole friend seen above looks like this unner her fancy corsets?

Whadda you think? 

Mama went to CURVES 'n Lucy got her hair dyed

Yo Mama been a-goin to CURVES now for mosta month and lookin sum better as U kan C! 'N I got my Lucy girl a bleach job and a handy bag to exercise with her mama.

Yo Mama wants 2 no if Goozie wants a bag 2? 

Fatty Ponders #924

We love bacon. As a con-see-quince, our kitchen floor is sometimes a little greasy. So now here's my perponderance: Is bacon grease on the floor good for my dry, calloused feet? I don't see how it could hurt.

I've noticed lately that fancy Opree is obsessed with her dry, calloused heels...last week, she was rubbing hydrogenated oil (aka transfat) out of a big ol' beaker onto her palms and talking about putting it on her heels. Good lord, I'd slide right OUT of my flipper whoppers if my feet were that greasy!

So now I have something in common with Opree.

Wisdom of Rufus #922

Bruiser
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Every elementary school has one: the lady who screams in the cafeteria, trying to get the little hellions to shove some chow in their pie holes and stop yammering. In our small school, this lady carries a bullhorn during lunch. She also helps load up the little germ bags into the cars at the end of the day as we ubermommies sit in our SUV's, air conditioning blasting, filling the air with carbon monoxide, waiting in the 100 degree heat, to fetch our precious little offspring. This lady doesn't like anyone...she doesn't smile...she never says hello or "you're welcome" when thanked...she scowls a lot...and she LOVES Rufus. All the girls love Rufus.

So we see this cafer-tear-ya, car rider line, scary lady with a bullhorn at dinner last night. Rufus has a lovely bruise on his chin, and as we were passing the lady's table, she and her husband stopped him. I didn't know this and kept walking for a few feet. Then I heard laughter and glee. Here's what had transpired:

Scary Lady (with big smile on her face), to Rufus: "Hello! Oh my! What happened to your chin?"

Rufus: "Barfight."

SL: "What?"

R: "I said BARFIGHT. That's what happened to my chin!"

SL, laughing hysterically: "Good lord! Are you okay?"

R: "You should have seen the other guy."

No wonder they love him.

For Aunt Choc

Fatty Ponders #918

A major benefit of have situational ADD, combined with early onset Allz-heemers: I forget what I write. In fact, I just enjoyed reading the post titled "Fatty Got a Question(s) #826B." I don't even remember writing any of that? No wonder I can spend the decade of my 30's reading the Harry Potter books over and over again: by the time I get to the sixth book, I can't remember what happened in the first one. Just think how much money I am saving on new books!

I had something else that I was a-ponderin', but now I can't remember what it was.

Ready for Sundy Meetin'

Amish Princess?
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

No, not an Amish princess, because the Amish cannot wear pink. Notice the coordinated binkeroosky. The bonnet made it through all the pinching grannies, past the hymns sung out of tune, and all the way to the doxology. Pretty good for her first trip to the big house.

Thanks, Aunt Choc.

Smells Like Roses!
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Inspired by your genius idea of inserting a dryer sheet into every person's underbritches in order to convert the poofs of noxicity into puffs of pleasantry, we have adapted the approach for our resident four-legged fart factory.

This, of course, is causing the brain cell much angst because his neck is not long enough to reach his booty, and he is desperate to inspect himself.

Weekly Photo for Yo Mama

Sit Up Goozie!
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Girlchild:

Three months old. Holding head up. Reaching for things. Giggling.

Mother and Father:

Blithering idiots.

Wisdom of Rufus #917

Prince Rufus
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

We have a new tradition at our house: when a boy child cannot control his body, when he is contorting into strange positions whilst upon the couch or kitchen table, when he is running pell-mell around the house bumping into random walls, when he is chasing dogs, cats, or tapeworms in circles around the living room table, well, then he is commanded from above to remove his body to the out of doors and run laps around the house. Five year olds get five laps; eight year olds get eight laps. One should run but is allowed to walk if necessary...constant forward movement and a shut-up pie hold are the only requirements. This new tradition is what inspired Rufus's wisdom for this day:

Rufus: "I have been getting into a lot of trouble today."

Fatty: "Yes, you have."

R: "Know why?"

F: "Please explain."

R: "I'm in training."

F: "Huh?"

R: "Training. All those laps help me learn to run even faster, which means I'll be able to catch the girls at recess."

F: (silence as she ponders)

R: "Come to think of it, I'd like to go run some laps now. Do I need to do something to get in trouble or I can I just go run?"

Wisdom of Rufus #913

An exchange of important information between brothers:

Rufus: "How old do you have to be to like girls?"

Boudreaux: "Well, my teacher said you to be old enough to have a job, make some money and take them out."

R: "Take them out?"

B: "Like on a date."

R: "Oh, I rather taken 'em out with a hammer."

I didn't know whether to cheer or call Dr. Phil?

How Fatty Got in Trouble #907

Squeezer
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Every girl child needs a baby doll. And a band for permanently scarring skull compression so they can match.

YES, CAT CRAP, I DID IT TO HER MYSELF!

And no, Bumpus was not pleased.

How Fatty Got in Trouble #906

Fred
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

So Bumpus has a big ol shiny new tank full o' bubblin' water and plastic plants and Bumpus has big plans on how he's going to fill up that water with certain little fishies, none of which is good fer eatin'. So what does a good Fatty do? She marches down to the local discountatorium and purchases this 6-inch long little lovely. Bumpus was not happy that Fatty had invaded his fish tank plans...but who could resist this funky face???

I Love My Camera

Bubbly Buddha
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Bubbly Buddha is bodaciously endowed, just like me. Apparently, if you go by the visual cues in Bumpus's birthday present, a 55 gallon fish tank, Siddhartha was lounging in Atlantis before it was lost. Cat Crap: Do you think that is kind of like escaping to the City of Lost Wages?

Girl on Parade

Tea Party
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Picture of the week for Yo Mama. Goozie is off to her first tea party with the ladies. The ballet slippers, pictured way back in February (see the archives), barely fit.

You Want Fries or Apple Dippers with That?

Fatty: "It's 5:45, I am still at work, and I have to go by the (insert creative obscenities here) Wally Mort before I drive home. What are you going to feed the boys for dinner?"

Bumpus: "A peanut butter sandwich and a big can of whoop ass."

Clue # 1

WRONG !! Try again ..........

Lucy likes sweet potatoes, raw or cooked or half done.
Lucy likes everything except dry, dietary dogfood.

Fatty Ponders #903

Why does scrubbing the inside of your ear with a q-tip feel so indescribably good?

A Quiz For The Blog Family

Read the following quote carefully:

"The reason you don't cook my sweet potatoes until they
are soft is that you know how much I like them and you
don't want me to eat them".

QUIZ: Who said this? Vote for (1) Jack (2) Hank
(3) Lucy or (4) Hal J.