Food obsession for the week:
Watermelon
(Don't gasp...last week it was Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, so this is a major step forward.)
Latest Nickname for the Seamus, the New Cat:
"Hebbie," slang for "H.E.B.," since he has a Harry-ass Butt
Wisdom of Rufus #411:
(Screamed at me on the courthouse lawn as he was running by in a frenzy of egg collecting today...)
"MOTHER! THE CHOCOLATE INSIDE THE EGGS SYMBOLIZES GOD'S SWEET LOVE FOR YOU!"
Yes, he really calls me "Mother" instead of "Mama" right now. Yes, he used the word "symbolizes." Yes, other parents turned to beam at me with pride in my son's advanced brainwashing status. No, I did not yell "MIND YOUR OWN F'IN BA-HAI BUSINESS YE REDNEKS!" in response.
Dysoning Adventure for the Week:
Extracting 8 years of filth out of a Honda Accord, using that motorized hand-brush "Animal" thing in the process.
My neighbor came outside and said, "Awww...look at you with your late-pregnancy nesting instinct." Of course, she didn't understand when I muttered, "I'm just a Dysonite looking for something to suck."
Pet Peeve of the Week (and the coming weeks):
No one looks me in the eye when talking to me anymore. They look at my protruding fundus instead.
Honestly, on Monday FIVE people at my special school said good morning to me without looking at my face! I want to yell, "YES! WE DID IT AND WE DID IT A LOT!" but instead, I guess I will just feel like I know how Pamela Anderson feels, except with her, it's bodacious, inflated ta-ta's. Today at the Dollar Store, the lady who works there yelled (while looking me in the belly, not the eye), "How long have you been waddling like that? And why didn't I realize it sooner since you're in here all the time?" Good god, that was so much to address that I had a deer-in-the-headlights moment.
Hey Dolly Parton of the Sunshine State...did you stuff your bra for the party?
Hey Cat Crap...where's the dirt bag?
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3 comments:
#1 Yo baby be needin to lik that watermelon U eatin cause it jes may, as Papaw would say, accident-ally A-rrive on June Teenth. Yo Cuzin Evelyn that live here sed 2 tell U that Cuzin Meme was birthed on June Teenth and she is sumwhat a celebrity at her fine school.
#2 TO RUFUS, YOU GOT THE RITE IDEAR TO LET EVERYBODY NO WHAT YOU B THINKIN.
#3 Yo Mama shore didn't no U and that man Aggie been DOIN IT. WHEW.
#4 Yo Mama did not need 2 stuff nuthin in her bra, she B plenty n-dowed, specially sence she gained some lbs. while her foot kudnt walk and comfort food was #1.
#5 Now that you got the watermelon on tap, add artichokes & jalapenos.
'n sides all that, pls. 2 tell ur nosey nabor that yo family don't put dirt n dust in our nests. What B the matter with her N-E-Way!!
This comment machine don't allow much room for Yo Mama 2 comment so had to D-vide it N-2 small lots.
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