Don't Need Any Butter or Honey or Nothing

Toast
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Balancin' Butterball

Sittin' Up Goozie
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Goozie's To-Do List:

1. Chew on Mama's clean hands.
2. Laugh at the fulgy bulldog.
3. Learn to sit up.
4. Goozie on a stranger at the grocery store.
5. Chew on Boudreaux's filthy hands.

Goozie story for the week:


For the past six weeks, Princess Girlchild has been making lots of precious baby noises, and she is especially good at the "H" sound, saying "ha" and "heeee" and "huh" and etc. So she and I went to the local grocery store, where all the sweet little ladies of the town will stop us to coo over the babe and scrutinize me, wondering how someone my age could possibly conceive something this cute. One particular lady stopped to coo just the moment we walked in the door. As she oohed and ahhed over Goozie, I tried to make nice and said to Goozie, "Say hello sweetie!" Just then, as if on cue, Carlotta Barfalotta [nickname #402] said "hi!" The woman was flabbergasted that my tiny child had just said hello to her. She turned to me in shock and said "How OLD is she?" Well, of course, I told her the truth: "Four months, and yes, she is quite advanced."

Oh, What a Little Physics and a Bigger Rufus Can Do

Lectric Mohawk
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Trampoline + Low Who-mid-tee + Mohawk = Very Fine

Recent Rufus Quotage:

"Sometimes a big boy's just got to get in a little trouble. That's what big boys do."

Now We Look the Part

Glasses
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Boudreaux got his glasses week before last. Holy mother of miracles, it's been two weeks and he hasn't lost them! He looks very cute, which I am sure, will serve him well when he applies to Rice University.

Photo for YM from Last Week

Nekked Baby!
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Where have I been? I've been murdering fish!

Goozie loves, loves, loves her bath. She makes a horrendous mess all over the kitchen as she kicks like mad at the water and squeals in excitement. This is all fun and good until I bust my ass on the wet vinyl floor.

Chapter 8, The Last:Banished from the RepublicansBecause I Support Euthanasia

Harbinger of Death
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Then, within three hours of the double murder, the phone rang. Way back when this all started, Boudreax had wanted a turtle, so I had asked a friend of ours who works around ponds, if he would get me one. He had one. I checked out the breed on the internet and found it to be an aquatic turtle that feeds on plants, algae, and carrion (dead meat, not luggage). Perfect. He and Fred, the lone surviving inhabitant of the tank, would get along just fine. He was delivered and dumped in the tank.

Within one hour, it became painfully apparent that Yertle here didn't know the difference between a heroic flying dragon fish and a side of beef. Fred was suddenly laying on the bottom of the tank with his long top fin chewed off. He was still alive but was obviously suffering, and I had been through five different types of food that Fred would not eat. Once he had tasted freedom, tropical flakes would not do.

So I said a little prayer to The Bob and sent Fred into the mouth of the Porcelain God.

The End.

Chapter 7: And the Democrats Rejected MeBecause I Carried Out the Death Penalty

The Dearly Departed
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

So Fred the Wonderfish, the Flying Miracle of East Texus, lived and lived and lived. He survived his bout of fishjerky-ness and went on to claim his celebrated survivor status in tank #2. He told stories of his freedom, of the nightmare encounter with the huge harry and whiskered jaws of hell, and of his glorious restoration. I was picking up the phone to call the vatican to inquire regarding sainthood, when I saw it happen: one of the two nasty albino catfish, both of which had reputations for being bottomless pits, tried to take a nibble out of our wonderboy.

I pondered this.

Then I went and got the net, marched in to Boudreaux's room--Boudreaux was the one who picked out the catfish when this whole fish tank adventure started--received official permission, and the promptly caught and flushed both of them. I was the jury, judge, and executioner. Mess with Our Fred? DEATH PENALTY FOR YOU BUSTER. No "three strikes and you're out" candyass plea copping around here. One bite and you are on the fast track to the treatment plant.

Actually, both of the little buggers swam down the u-bend before I could flush. They could smell the unliminted supply of sewage and are probably well on their way to being the Loch Ness monsters of mythic proportions spotted occasionally in the treatment pond.

Yo Mama Is Alone on The Blog

Yo Mama feels lik she B living a-lone on the moon or somethin lik that. Where B my blog girls ... surely B sumthin N ur life worth sharin with me and all the resta them public figgers that look at our blog junk. Send me some stuff to git me cheering up.

Kaptain ain't been a bundle of cheer lately, sorta dull and all Lucy P. Jones wanna do is eat. 

Bought Cat Crap a Christmas Sign

Yo Mama seen this in a store and thot it the very thing for the Cat Crap family --- pretty and decorus and delivered a message, not jes on Sundays but ever day of the weak. I showed it to The Kaptain but he sez he ain't gonna have one of these at his castle.

Yo Mama think it B a very fine sign.

Bet Rufus Kan Do All Thissuns

Can U Do This ?
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Wunder if this B what Some Folks meen when they say they is talkin in tongues? Fatty, did U see summa this at ur Bahia meetins? Yo Mama hadn's had nuf spare time to look inna mirror and C iffin I cud do it. Let Rufus give it a try first and lemme no if it B in my genes.

Yo Mama willin 2 give it a whirl ....

Gaga and Guzzi

Only 99 Years Apart
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Kaint believe most 100 years different in age, these 2. Prettie mazing, if you ask Yo Mama. But you didn't and that's o.k. cause I gonna jes keep yapping N-E way. Cute pikture. Bless 'em both.

Yo Mama luckie to have good genes, U B 2.

Suppose Lucy Wood Like Sum New Shoes?

Mitey Well Dressed in Abilene TX
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Whilst in Abilene TX, Yo Mama and Miz Rezer went shopping 4 a animal for her skoolroom and we seen this very well dressed animal with 4 legs. I wanted to get Miss Lucy some stomps but The Kaptin didn't much go 4 the idear. This animals mama said that doggie liked her shoes and didn't even try to git 'em off when they wuz bran new. Bet Lucy wood have them babies chewed up in 2 minutes.

Yo Mama lets Miss Lucy do whatever she want, anyway.

A Nite To Remember

A Decorated Mustang
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Yo Mama did her annual Mustang game and this cute lil big girl was bout the proudest thing I saw - jes lookit them flowers, she got 2 of em and I wonder who paid the bill. Don't matter, she B happy so I B happy 4 her. Bet the next a.m. she felt like Cinder-ella.

Miz Rezer Has Nother Life - Cats

Miz Rezer At Home Doin Nuthin But Playin
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Yessiree, there she B at home, not even gradin papers or chewin nervusly on her hair. Miz Rezer has secret life thet few of us no bout and that is CATS. Yo Mama luvs cats too. Has them kitties gotten N E bigger?

Miz Rezer, Miz Rezer We Love You

Teacher, Teacher !!
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Yo Mama is PLENTY PROUD of dauter #1 cause she finally dun finded herself, and ther she is 4 all to see, bein the leader of the voters of tomorrey. Wish I cud sit in the room and lern sum stuff myself, like meybe sum new recipes for boat cooks.

Yo Mama Luves You!

See What Pours Forth

Bouncing Goozie
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

How can someone smell like rotten milk barf but taste like a sugar cookie?

Wisdom of Rufus #1031

Rufus: "Mom, I've got to come up with some words that start with the 'F' sound for school. Does the word 'phoenix' count?"

Fatty: "Well, I would say it counts because it starts with the 'F' sound but it is actually spelled with a 'PH.'"

Boudreaux, chiming in: "Like 'phantom' and 'pharmacy.'"

Rufus ponders for a moment.

R: "Mom, know what happens when a phoenix farts?"

F: "Not so much."

R: "FLAMES shoot out of it's booty! Get it? FLAMING PHOENIX FARTS! There are my three words for school!"

Wisdom of Rufus #1030

(While we are pretending to be a Normal Rockwell family, out in the park on a Sunday, flying kites...)

Rufus: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!?

Fatty: Excuse me?

R: I said, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

F: How about you don't talk like that because it's not nice language?

Silence as the cogs turn...

R: Well, can I just say "WTH" instead?

Photo for Mimi: Big, Juicy Bag O' Cuteness

Goozie the Precious Droolwitch
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

You Know I Had to Do It

Chuckwitch
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Goozie and Rufus Make a Plan

This is the two smartest people in my house having a secret conversation about how they are going to duct tape me in a calf-rope position, lock me in the closet, and eat all the trick or treat candy before I get the chance to break my bonds and call the police.

YES, IT LIVES

Where have I been, you might ask? Well, monitoring the back-from-the-land-of-fish-jerky reconsistuted Fredenstein takes up a lot of my energy. I have to check under all the furniture every morning and every night to make sure that he hasn't flown the coop again.

On top of that, we have birthday parties, Halloween parties, and all sorts of excuses to shovel sugar down my children's throats and put them on the fast track to type II diabetes. Yesterday, El Dia de Las Brujas, we had an hour of trick or treating DURING THE SCHOOL DAY, then a party for each--back to back, which took another two hours--birthday presents, a trip to the Hairy Spleen (what we call DQ on El Dia), and then an hour and a half of more trick or treating. By the time we got home, my speech was slurring because I was so tired...

Goozie Gets Ammo

This was about two weeks ago, Goozie's first rice cereal. You would never recognize her now, grabbing the spoon and shoving it in her mouth. You go girl!

Nabor Got Best of Both Worlds

My resent visit west of the Mississippi had me seein sumthin new - good idea. Got his out-house not N A house but N-sted jes a-sittin out there in fronta Bahia and everbody. this one B jes 2 doors down from my TX abode. Sure duz beat acleaning a bathroom. Meybe we all oughta do it, whadda ya think?