Word for the Day:Deadant deadant deadantdeadantdeadantdeadant deadannnnnnnnnnt

The boys have taught Magoo to sing the them to the Pink Panther. Yes, the good old Henry Mancinni version. Except, instead of the deadant version, they sing, "Manuh Manuh Manuhmanuhmanuhmanuhmanuh Manuuuuuuuhhhhhh." I will try for video on this.

Fatty the Clown's Parenting Advice:Psycho is Scary

As Yo Mama Taught Me:
Act enthusiastic and you'll be enthusiastic!

Nothing and I mean nothing works in terms of disciplining Rufus. Timeouts don't work. A swat doesn't work. Removing privileges doesn't work. Yelling doesn't work. And in fact, I think that immunity is rubbing off on Boudreaux, too. It's like they have ganged up to prove that I am an old fraud who will scream and yell and stomp my feet at the drop of a hat. The sound and the fury...signifying nothing. I guess this is probably the truth. I don't ask Bumpus, because he will give me a lecture.

So last week, Rufus was practicing his endurance skills by repeatedly pushing my buttons over absolute trivia. He was fully, 110% succeeding in pushing me over the edge as at 6 PM. The bird was screeching, Magoo was crying, the cats were yowling, and I was having one of my 25-per day sneezing fits, wetting my pants a little with every ACHOOO. Whatever it was he asked, I do not remember. The important point is that he had pushed me so far beyond my limit that my head might have exploded right off of my shoulders just like a Roman candle on July 4th, with sparks shooting colored balls out of my neck. Something snapped, and instead of yelling (why compete with all the other decibels in the house?), I turned to him, put a huge fake grin on my face, looked straight at him but sort of unfocused my eyes, and answered him in a very fake, very cheery voice. I have since come to call it "The Psycho Clown Response."

This had an unexpected and drastic effect: Rufus froze in place. He STOPPED TALKING. He LOOKED FRIGHTENED. His BOTTOM LIP QUIVERED. He said "YES MA'AM to whatever it was I told him. And he quietly went about his business. MAGIC!

I took note.

Later that night, when he was making his 48th excuse for not going to bed, I tried it again, a very fake big smiling, sing-song voice, "Well, I see you're having trouble settling down for bed! We'll have to try going to bed an hour earlier tomorrow night to see if that can help." Again, deer...in...the...headlights. VICTORY!

The next day, it happened yet again. Only this time, he paused long enough, looking very somber, to say, "Ummmm Mom? Could you not look at me like that? It scares me."

I felt like Ed was at my door with a check. It continues to be effective. I suggest it to all harried mothers and fathers.

PS: It doesn't work on husbands.

Word for the Day: DAMMIT!

I have just noticed that when Magoo gets frustrated over not being able to reach, possess, lift, throw, or shred the item of her intense desire she yells a word that sounds suspiciously like DAMMIT!

This will be funny until kindergarten rolls around.

Fatty's Note to Self #1018

Lists are such a good thing. I like lists because they help me remember everything I forget due to my seasonal alzheimer's disorder and my situational ADD.

List of Items Not to Eat for Breakfast on the Day of Your Dentist Appointment:

1. Bar-B-Que Potato Chips

I'm sure I'll think of some other items to add to this list. Feel free to suggest your own.

Yo Mama Knew Just What I Needed...It VibratesAnd Bumpus Likes It, Too

This arrived unannounced on my doorstep yesterday in a gigantic poster tube, delivered by the usually-sweaty UPS man. Here's the sequence of events:

1. I saw the package was from Yo Mama.
2. I opened it and found just this--no packaging, no instructions.
3. I opened the "thing" and saw that it needed four double-D batteries.
4. I inserted the batteries and closed the lid.
5. It started vibrating.
6. I thought, "yes, she knew just what I needed...but did she have to get extra large?"

Then Bumpus got home and got very concerned. He wanted to know where he fit into the plan with my new item. He had the presence of mind to look through the bubble wrap that had gingerly protected my new friend. He found the instructions...for my "Electronic Ground Rodent Repeller." I will report on its effectiveness soon.

Needless to say, Bumpus was a tad disappointed at first, but now he is looking forward to some results.

Halloween: I Got Big Plans

About once per year, I have the mental stability to do something creative. Thankfully, that sometimes falls around Halloween, like it did this year. Currently residing at my house are two Jedi Knights, one Princess, and one wrinkly, green Jedi master.

Since the Princess still doesn't have a boatload of her own hair, I had to make her big ole honking swirly pigtail wraparounds yesterday. They are braided and then sewn onto a crocheted hat. All are made of very soft brown chenille yarn. Now I have three Jedi capes to make.

Princess Leigha Says "Gig Em"

Word for the Day: Cheese

Magoo is starting to talk, and I remember those sweet days with Boudreaux and Rufus when you could actually list the words they could say (because they couldn't say that many). So I thought I would record her new words for a while. Then, one day in the next few months, she will have what Fatty Jr. calls a "gold star day," and then suddenly, I will not be able to keep track of how many words she knows. Here's where we are as of today:

Palabras de la Magoozie:

Mama
Dad
Jack
Baby
Bob
"That" (sound like "dat!" and is accompanied by fierce pointing gestures)
Kitty (ki-ki)
Mammy
Bobbie (we don't know that this means yet)
Juice (dooce)
Yummer (nummer-nummer-nummer, thank you Yo Mama)

And the new word for today: "cheese" (sounds like dee).

Sidenote: Magoo also knows to nod for yes and shake her head for no. She is not yet screaming "no" back at me, but I will not be one bit surprised when that happens. She can also work the digital phone well enough to leave herself a message.

He Told Me the Elevator Door is HiddenBehind the Front of the Coke MachineAKA: RU May be Wilder than I Originally Knew

Boudreaux has a fourth grade daily journal this year. The teacher asks a question, and the little cherubs freewrite for 10 minutes.

Question for September 27:
"What do you think goes on in the teachers' lounge?"

Boudreaux's Response:
"I think that an elevator leads to the top of the school where the teachers tan. I think there is an indoor pool, a snack bar, a bowling lane, a skating rink, a baseball diamond, video games, a roller coaster, and a hot tub and a disco ball. So the teachers don't stay after school to grade our work, or erase the chalk board. They go to the teacher's lounge and dance in the hot tub and pool, or watch a movie on their plasma TV. So the teachers get to have fun while we do homework."

Photo for Aunt Choco Cookie Fiber Packet de la Lemone, Taken Yes-stir-dee

FUDGESICLE (and combover)!*

*yes, I had to google fudgesicle to figure out how to spell it.

Photo for Yo Mama, Taken This Day

Waving with her combover and her bag of cereal.

WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN?

Things I have to come back and report, because tonight I am too sleepy to type:

1. PETA is after me.

2. There's stool in my way.

3. I made an ass out of myself, again, in public. This time to the tune of "Brick House."

4. The garden is bananas...and worms.

5. RU may be wilder than I first assumed.

6. We have a politician in the family.

7. My underwear are persistently inside out.

8. Halloween: I got BIG PLANS.

9. Rufus is budgeting my money.

10. What's that smear on my glasses?

11. Pork ribs work damn fine in the slo-cooker.

12. HEEEEEEEEERE CRABBY CRABBY!

AT&T Webmail

AT&T Webmail

I Blame the '80s

Rufus got his first grade reading placement test back today (the "Texas Primary Reading Inventory"). He is reading 152 words per minute.

Hello? Was I ever that good at reading or that smart? I might have been, but then I lived through the '80s and my brother introduced me to Crown and Coke at a young, young age...

Even now, if I am reading 1st grade material, I cannot read 152 words per minute.

Aunt ChocoFiberCookieSugarPacket: I Have Seen Our Future

And it is here.

Word for the Day

Hairy Vetch

Thank You Aunt ChocoFiberCookieSugarPackfor the Answer Me Jesus

I figgered this was as good a place as any to thank my sister for the belated birthday present. That's a link, so you can click on it if the spirit moves you.

Boudreaux has certainly taken to consulting with Jesus frequently. Yesterday morning, he apparently asked Jesus whether or not he might get to watch Star Wars Return of the Jedi later on that day. And apparently Jesus told him that it would be so, because when I asked Boudreaux and Rufus if they would like to watch a movie, Boudreaux replied "Well, of course, Jesus told me we would."

Because My Mem-ry Ain't Great...

I need to record this for posterior's sake.

We have a great family tradition of calling things by names other than those truly assigned to them. This all started with my blessed Yo Mama, who I remember called McDonalds "the Big Mac" ("Do you want to go to the Big Mac?") and who called poop "Chookie." Actually, this may harken back a generation even further, as the G-Woman 100 calls that place with the chicken sandwiches "Chick-a-fill." And of course, in good Texus style, naked is nekked.

Thankfully, I married into a family who does the same. Thus, my rabbit "Jordan" was called "Rex" and my precious Poo-Poo TuTu daughter will respond to "Goozie," "Magoo," "Sukie," and "Girlfriend." So in the spirit of my beloved sister, whose name continues to evolve with each visit to her home out there in Wild West Texus, I needed to record what we currently call her:

Aunt ChocoFiberCookieSugarPacket

Now I can look back, years from now, so that when we are calling her Aunt BuyMeSomeBeerAndSneakMeTheKeysToDadsCar, we can remember how it used to be in the olden days.

Viva Charro!

Today I caught Goozie dancing along with the rhythm of the washing machine aj-ee-tater.

Bumpus and Fatty Figger It Out

Bumpus to Fatty: "I've got a plan for something."

Fatty to Bumpus: "You always have a plan. What about my plans?"

B: "Honey, you are not a planner. A planner is someone who makes a plan and then sticks to it. You, on the other hand, make a plan and then don't do the plan because you are too busy moving on to plan something else."

F: "That's right. You might be a mere planner, but I have evolved past that. I am a visionary."

HA! TAKE THAT! :P

Photo(s) for Yo Mama

I've been posting a lot of Magoo photos, so here's a boy picture for you.

You didn't really think I could leave a picture of her out do you?