Here She Goes

Yes, the time has come. Holy cow.

Calling All Foot Fetishers!

RufuToe
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Rufus has his 100th day kindergarten project due next week. The only guidelines are the you have to have 100 of an item, they have to be glued to a posterboard, and no obscenities allowed. DAMN IT!

Most nice childrens choose to glue things like 100 grains of rice or 100 pennies. What does our Rufus want to? Pictures of 100 toes. Well, we are about 50 toes short.

So I am putting out an open call to all you digital foot fetishers out there. Please email me a picture of your toes no later than Tuesday, January 23, to rasta.hazel@gmail.com. The winning entries, announced here next week, will take their place in the Rufus 100th Day Toe Jamboree.

Nothing nasty. This is a family affair.

This Speaks for Itself

Mean, mean Daddy.

The Unspoken Epidemic: Christmas Crack

Starting around October 24, when the Halloween parties start and the candy starts getting passed out, my children lose their minds. This lasts until after Valentine's day, when the last of the candy gets scarfed or thrown away, we all take a cleansing enema and a shot of tequila, and get back on track for the middle of the year. This October-February phase of each year is what I called the season of Christmas Crack.

Running around with no purpose, dancing in circles without music, contortions of the body that would give me a crick in my neck, and all sorts of behavior that make mothers and fathers want to get out the duct tape: these are all symptoms of the Christmas Crack disease.

One of my girl friends called me last week, and when she asked how we were, I replied, "Well, you know. The grownups are surviving, and the kids are fully overdosed on Christmas Crack." She did not think this was funny and actually sort of scolded me for not just recognizing that our precious little offspring are just full of the glory of God and the wild anticipation of our savior's birth, honey. I beg to differ. Only speaking for my own...my precious offspring are stoned on the sight of presents with their names on them and an endless stream of chocolates, cookies, and trips to see Santa.

Now, I have proof.

Below: Rufus exhibiting type-A Christmas Crack addiction behavior.

Dear Santa...

Santa Goozie
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Here is what Rufus's letter to Santa, which appeared in the local paper said:

"Dear Santa: I have been a good boy exept I got in a bar fite. You should have seen the other guy. I want a Star Scream Soopreme for Christmas. Thank you very much."

We Have To. It's Tradition.

Goozie Gone Skiing
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

What does a dysFUNctional family do when they have their first child? Head to the snow covered mountains and sub-zero temperatures. What about when the second child arrives and gets asthma? Pack up that nebulizer and head for the snow covered mountains! How about when the Queen Mother gets her eyes laser zapped so she can see? Ask the doctor, "Do you think high altitudes will affect the healing? Cause we're leaving for the mountains tomorrow." Make note of confused, concerned look, pack up and head for the mountains. So, of course, what else could we do on two-day's notice, but tell our bosses that we had "serious family issues to address," pack up, and head for the mountains?

The hoodlums stayed here, which meant that we got to spoil, spoil, spoil the Goozie girl.

Very fine escape.

And Lo, Her Opinion Was Known

Goozie has all kinds of ways of expressing herself. In this family, he or she who screams the loudest gets ignored but he who cannot stop talking gets called Rufus. So you've got to have a wide range of talents for making yourself heard. Goozie's first foray into the "I am woman hear me roar" involves our old standby, the raspberry. When she gets mad, she spits.

Behold...

Weekly Photo for YM: PRUNES!

Here today, here again tomorrow.
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Our newly ack-wired skill: impressionistic art in the finger painting medium.

Added bonus: lovely facial.

Second added bonus: prevents constern-I-pay-shun.

Have a Sucky Christmas!

Bumpus to Fatty: Why are you taking a photo of the vaccuum cleaner?
Fatty: Because I love it.
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Happy holidays from Boudreaux, Goozie, Rufus, and MY BABY THE DYSON!

Don't Need Any Butter or Honey or Nothing

Toast
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Balancin' Butterball

Sittin' Up Goozie
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Goozie's To-Do List:

1. Chew on Mama's clean hands.
2. Laugh at the fulgy bulldog.
3. Learn to sit up.
4. Goozie on a stranger at the grocery store.
5. Chew on Boudreaux's filthy hands.

Goozie story for the week:


For the past six weeks, Princess Girlchild has been making lots of precious baby noises, and she is especially good at the "H" sound, saying "ha" and "heeee" and "huh" and etc. So she and I went to the local grocery store, where all the sweet little ladies of the town will stop us to coo over the babe and scrutinize me, wondering how someone my age could possibly conceive something this cute. One particular lady stopped to coo just the moment we walked in the door. As she oohed and ahhed over Goozie, I tried to make nice and said to Goozie, "Say hello sweetie!" Just then, as if on cue, Carlotta Barfalotta [nickname #402] said "hi!" The woman was flabbergasted that my tiny child had just said hello to her. She turned to me in shock and said "How OLD is she?" Well, of course, I told her the truth: "Four months, and yes, she is quite advanced."

Oh, What a Little Physics and a Bigger Rufus Can Do

Lectric Mohawk
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Trampoline + Low Who-mid-tee + Mohawk = Very Fine

Recent Rufus Quotage:

"Sometimes a big boy's just got to get in a little trouble. That's what big boys do."

Now We Look the Part

Glasses
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Boudreaux got his glasses week before last. Holy mother of miracles, it's been two weeks and he hasn't lost them! He looks very cute, which I am sure, will serve him well when he applies to Rice University.

Photo for YM from Last Week

Nekked Baby!
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Where have I been? I've been murdering fish!

Goozie loves, loves, loves her bath. She makes a horrendous mess all over the kitchen as she kicks like mad at the water and squeals in excitement. This is all fun and good until I bust my ass on the wet vinyl floor.

Chapter 8, The Last:Banished from the RepublicansBecause I Support Euthanasia

Harbinger of Death
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Then, within three hours of the double murder, the phone rang. Way back when this all started, Boudreax had wanted a turtle, so I had asked a friend of ours who works around ponds, if he would get me one. He had one. I checked out the breed on the internet and found it to be an aquatic turtle that feeds on plants, algae, and carrion (dead meat, not luggage). Perfect. He and Fred, the lone surviving inhabitant of the tank, would get along just fine. He was delivered and dumped in the tank.

Within one hour, it became painfully apparent that Yertle here didn't know the difference between a heroic flying dragon fish and a side of beef. Fred was suddenly laying on the bottom of the tank with his long top fin chewed off. He was still alive but was obviously suffering, and I had been through five different types of food that Fred would not eat. Once he had tasted freedom, tropical flakes would not do.

So I said a little prayer to The Bob and sent Fred into the mouth of the Porcelain God.

The End.

Chapter 7: And the Democrats Rejected MeBecause I Carried Out the Death Penalty

The Dearly Departed
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

So Fred the Wonderfish, the Flying Miracle of East Texus, lived and lived and lived. He survived his bout of fishjerky-ness and went on to claim his celebrated survivor status in tank #2. He told stories of his freedom, of the nightmare encounter with the huge harry and whiskered jaws of hell, and of his glorious restoration. I was picking up the phone to call the vatican to inquire regarding sainthood, when I saw it happen: one of the two nasty albino catfish, both of which had reputations for being bottomless pits, tried to take a nibble out of our wonderboy.

I pondered this.

Then I went and got the net, marched in to Boudreaux's room--Boudreaux was the one who picked out the catfish when this whole fish tank adventure started--received official permission, and the promptly caught and flushed both of them. I was the jury, judge, and executioner. Mess with Our Fred? DEATH PENALTY FOR YOU BUSTER. No "three strikes and you're out" candyass plea copping around here. One bite and you are on the fast track to the treatment plant.

Actually, both of the little buggers swam down the u-bend before I could flush. They could smell the unliminted supply of sewage and are probably well on their way to being the Loch Ness monsters of mythic proportions spotted occasionally in the treatment pond.

Yo Mama Is Alone on The Blog

Yo Mama feels lik she B living a-lone on the moon or somethin lik that. Where B my blog girls ... surely B sumthin N ur life worth sharin with me and all the resta them public figgers that look at our blog junk. Send me some stuff to git me cheering up.

Kaptain ain't been a bundle of cheer lately, sorta dull and all Lucy P. Jones wanna do is eat. 

Bought Cat Crap a Christmas Sign

Yo Mama seen this in a store and thot it the very thing for the Cat Crap family --- pretty and decorus and delivered a message, not jes on Sundays but ever day of the weak. I showed it to The Kaptain but he sez he ain't gonna have one of these at his castle.

Yo Mama think it B a very fine sign.

Bet Rufus Kan Do All Thissuns

Can U Do This ?
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Wunder if this B what Some Folks meen when they say they is talkin in tongues? Fatty, did U see summa this at ur Bahia meetins? Yo Mama hadn's had nuf spare time to look inna mirror and C iffin I cud do it. Let Rufus give it a try first and lemme no if it B in my genes.

Yo Mama willin 2 give it a whirl ....

Gaga and Guzzi

Only 99 Years Apart
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Kaint believe most 100 years different in age, these 2. Prettie mazing, if you ask Yo Mama. But you didn't and that's o.k. cause I gonna jes keep yapping N-E way. Cute pikture. Bless 'em both.

Yo Mama luckie to have good genes, U B 2.