The Wisdom of Rufus #57

Earlier this month, we went on the sibling tour of the hospital, so the boys could take comfort in where I will go to get my grand extraction and so that Bumpus could again wonder aloud what happened to the good ol' days, when the men got to go to the bar, watch football, and drink whilst awaiting arrivial of their loin fruit.

There we were, in front of the big glass nursery window, all the little girls and boys lined up on the steps that allow those-under-three-feet-tall to see the babies. All the parents with their backs against the opposite wall, watching said siblings and pondering the fact that OH MY GOD THIS MEANS I HAVE TO COME GET THIS THING OUT OF ME.

General quiet as children look into the window and parents watch.

Rufus, the only voice he knows, which is slightly quieter than a jet engine: "Is this where we get the fried chicken?"

General assortment of parents: Laughter.

Other small children: More silence, while staring in awe and wonder at the miracles of life thus contained within said window.

Rufus: "LOOK MAMA! Way in the back! They got a HAMSTER CAGE!"

Comment from laughing father somewhere in the crowd: "Oh lord, I hope his mother is getting this on video tape."

She of the Turkducken Speaks:Updates from the Land of the Fertile

Warning to all Small Planets:
It Has Its Own Graveetashunul Pull
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Three weeks to go. I have saved up a lot of commentary, so get yourself a fresh dose of something al-kee-hollic and be proud that these details will live forever in the world of my public posterity.

The tapeworm, named "The Boy Who Lived" for his Darwinian ability to eat his siblings in an effort to promote his own survival, grew to be an inch long, developed some sort of genitalia, and then promptly died. It was plenty big enough to see its beady eyes staring at all lookers-on as if to say, "See what life is worth without a woman?"

All sweet wonderful people in life constantly ask me--sometimes on an hourly basis--how I feel. My latest response, "Like a giant Turkducken." This may be her nickname. Fits nicely with the others: please meet my lovely children, Boudreaux, Rufus, and Turducken. I swear someone stuffed a fully grown Butterball down my throat when I was asleep. She is all elbows and knees and is both plenty way up into my rib cage and bouncing gleefully on my bladder. Unless I lean back, I cannot sit on a hard surface without spreading my knees way apart in a way that my Mama taught me was just asking for trouble.

Maternity clothes suck. The ones that go over the belly end up giving one a camel toe (see previous posting), and the ones that sit under the belly constantly fall down, risking the chance of exposing the belly to unwitting passersby, like a drunken potbellied town nuisance. I wonder if they give out citations for this.

I am fully in waddle mode, especially at home. At work, I put all my physical effort into standing up straight and walking properly. This, along with hours spent sitting on my constantly broadening butt, means that by the evening I am exhausted and my back is hurting from the exertion. Therefore, the waddling is rather pronounced in the privacy of my own ass-eye-lum. This, of course, used to startle and concern Bumpus. But he has now gotten used to my swaying gate, as well as to my pajama pants falling down at random times (draw string failure).

The boys want nothing more than for me to get into the swimming pool with them. And yes, Mama, I have done it. I have squeezed my round belly into a swim suit and chunky dunked into that above-ground Wal-mart special several times. It ain't pretty but it gets all the weight off of my swollen ankles. Just be glad I'm not at the boatin' club, doing it in public.

Two days left of going into work...and then I will be free to sit in my pajamas, eat ice cream, and wait wait wait wait wait!

The Graduate

The Graduate
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Boudreaux somehow escaped the whole "dress em up like adults and give em a blank sheet of paper with a ribbon around it" graduation fandango, both at the end of pre-k and at the end of kindergarten. So I wasn't all hyped up about Rufus donning the mortar board, thinking that some rousing rendition of "The Animals Come in Twosies" would be a plenty gay enough way of finishing his summa cum laude three years of prep school.

Of course, then the raging hormones kicked in and I cried like a little baby.

Look at that FINE FELLOW, with his high-and-tight Corps hair cut and his "I'm off to the corporate world" expression! Damn boy! Go out and get a JOB so you can send home some money to Mamma!

1-888-MAKE-BAIL

1-888-MAKE-BAIL
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Every East Texus family needs a lawyer waiting in the wings, to help with those little problems in life...everything from traffic tickets to questionable behavior involving cats.

Boudreaux did us a fine, fine job prosecutin that damn trespasser Gold E. Locks. Despite the fact that the jury had a nice long nap during the proceedings, they still found in his favor and voted to send that little bimbo off to the hooscow.

Notice the tie. After the trial, Bumpus put that right back on his neck and headed off to work.

Outstanding in the Field

Outstanding in the Field
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

What is he screaming? God only knows.

Wanna Play Doctor?

Welcome to General Hospital
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Thank you Aunt Carrie for the awesome Golden Beaver scrubs! Now we need to learn the Golden Beaver fight song...

The Latest Pet at Fatty's House

Tapeworm...
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Just thought all you wildlife ee-fishy-nados out there might like to see what hatched at our house. Forget the Sea Monkeys of the liberated '70s. This here is called a "Triops," purchased at Hobby Lobby, picked right from the little temptation booth next to the check out, next to the white chocolate Reese's, the masking tape, and the glitter pens. Kit came with eggs, food, and directions for starting our own farm. Said that these guys hail all the way back to the age of the dinosaurs. That didn't surprise me...every body needs a good tapeworm.

The Wisdom of Rufus #428

Rufus:
"I know how to say the pledge of allegiance."

Fatty:
"Oh really? Well, you go right ahead."

Rufus:
"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of George Bush!"

The Wisdom of Rufus #426, Parts A & B

Announced as we sat down to dinner this evening:

"We need less talking and more praying!"

Snapped two minutes later at his brother (who was, admittedly, pushing Rufus's buttons):

"Shut your dirty pie hole."

With varying degrees of hormonal influence, our family can turn on a dime!

Lucy sez it B time 2 jump ship 4 peace in TX

Lucy is in her bag, ready to roll .....
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

As U kan planely C, Lucy P. shares yo mama's need to escape and Go West. The Kaptin B pretty up-tite that we B leaving so the sooner the better. She sittin in her bag waitin for a zip up.

Yo Mama wishes she had a bag 2.

Future Pres/CEO of HJC Co as per her mother

would you buy a boat from this boat magnate?
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Here she is, in her $100 mini skirt with tummy views. Enough said.

Yo Mama is headin UR way ASAP

Let the Fat Lady SING!

Players
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Ain't they precious?

Wisdom of Rufus #422:

(Yelled from the Rufus in center field over the to right fielder who was complaining about being bored and not fielding any balls during the inning...)

"It's not about getting a bunch of ball action! It's all about playing the game and having fun. That's the spirit of baseball!"

All that he needed to do was add "you stupid domp!" on the end, and I would have been super-ultra proud.

I wuz even gonna let him use my mug

It don't take a genius ....
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Well it has hit the fan at this casa.
The Kaptin desided he wuz tired tired tired of solitaire and he wood play Yo Mama's privat game that I B hidin frum him and woodn let him C. Aint't that the s---s! N E Way, I done put Snood on his puter and got it free with my pass code and dialed up Easy-Children-Stage-1-Not-Hard. He went nuts, kaint make that little box go where it outta B, must be sumthin wrong with his puter cause it aint a Dell like mine.

Send help. Like meybe Jack? He dun taught The Kaptin to fish, meybe he cud give a few pointers bout this lil problem we got now.

All that and IRS Day at the same time, it jes B 2 much for one elderly woman.

Un huevo cada dia es muy bien

Things Ain't Always What They Seem
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Yo Mama's EG does not contain choc as a sweet gift to Yo Mama. It got sum-thin better, not my percoset but N-sted it B peppermint schnapps. U think the Kaptain will wunder bout my sudden luv of eggs?

Yo Mama jes passin on the news of today

See Why I Should Be Drinking Beer?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Cameltoe Bunderpanties?

I just checked our site meter, and we were "discovered" through people doing the following searches...

"Cameltoe Bunderpanties"
"Bugger Eaters" (AUNT CHOC's POST CAME IN FIRST PLACE! YEE-HAW!)
"Toot a lot" (Is that a reference to you, Mama?)
"Chubby Mama"
"Pictures with no pants on" (YIKES!)

Comments from the Incontinent Rednek

Food obsession for the week:
Watermelon

(Don't gasp...last week it was Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, so this is a major step forward.)

Latest Nickname for the Seamus, the New Cat:
"Hebbie," slang for "H.E.B.," since he has a Harry-ass Butt

Wisdom of Rufus #411:
(Screamed at me on the courthouse lawn as he was running by in a frenzy of egg collecting today...)
"MOTHER! THE CHOCOLATE INSIDE THE EGGS SYMBOLIZES GOD'S SWEET LOVE FOR YOU!"

Yes, he really calls me "Mother" instead of "Mama" right now. Yes, he used the word "symbolizes." Yes, other parents turned to beam at me with pride in my son's advanced brainwashing status. No, I did not yell "MIND YOUR OWN F'IN BA-HAI BUSINESS YE REDNEKS!" in response.

Dysoning Adventure for the Week:
Extracting 8 years of filth out of a Honda Accord, using that motorized hand-brush "Animal" thing in the process.

My neighbor came outside and said, "Awww...look at you with your late-pregnancy nesting instinct." Of course, she didn't understand when I muttered, "I'm just a Dysonite looking for something to suck."

Pet Peeve of the Week (and the coming weeks):
No one looks me in the eye when talking to me anymore. They look at my protruding fundus instead.

Honestly, on Monday FIVE people at my special school said good morning to me without looking at my face! I want to yell, "YES! WE DID IT AND WE DID IT A LOT!" but instead, I guess I will just feel like I know how Pamela Anderson feels, except with her, it's bodacious, inflated ta-ta's. Today at the Dollar Store, the lady who works there yelled (while looking me in the belly, not the eye), "How long have you been waddling like that? And why didn't I realize it sooner since you're in here all the time?" Good god, that was so much to address that I had a deer-in-the-headlights moment.

Hey Dolly Parton of the Sunshine State...did you stuff your bra for the party?

Hey Cat Crap...where's the dirt bag?

East Texus Dyson Update

Monday:
Dyson arrived.
Total Dysoning Time: 30 minutes
Total Dirty Collected: 4 Cylinders

Tuesday:
First T-Ball Practice
Total Dysoning Time: 0 minutes

Wednesday:
Bidness Dinner with Bumpus
Total Dysoning Time: 0 minutes
Frustration Level: Elevated

Thursday:
Finally, A Fix!
Total Dysoning Time: 1 hour, 15 minutes
Total Dirty Collected: 3 Cylinders
New Skills:
Figured out the bare floor tool (set it for carpet so it doesn't suction itself to the floor).
Surprise of the Day:
Was stunned by how much hair and crusty crap collects where the carpets meet the base boards.
Momentary Struggle:
Sucked half my pajama pants up into the suction wand. Had to perform complex wrestling moves to get myself removed without turning off power.

Yes, I plan to obsess over this until the enormous amounts of sand stop flying forth from my carpet. It took four years to get into this condition...how many obsessive nights with Dyson will it take to come undone?

Reality Check: Remember, if I could drink beer, I probably wouldn't be doing this...

Himself, With Poorly Managed Coif(Don't ask)

Himself. And He Shall Be Called "Seamus"
(pronounced Shamus...because it's real close to "Shame on us")
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Kaptain in his little with big un behind

Kaptain in his little with big un behind
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Don't take much 2 keep him happie. Jes put him in 1 boat that fits on the bak of his other boat, lots of sunshine 'n a head that works and he is a happie man. Life is good 4 the Kaptain. This a.m. he ate philadelphia cream cheese mixed with real juicy chopped pimentos from a jar and six (6) pieces of bread, cut in half, makes 12. He is on a diet.

Yo Mama wunders what the diet is.