Don't worry Rufus.....

You will be a FINE Frat Daddy one day!!!!!

Now HERE'S a pig in lipstick!!!

Frat Daddy in Training, Lesson #2:Know When to Suck Up,Or, Alternatively,Know Where the Money Gets Made

He made it all of two and a half weeks before I got the email, just this past Thursday morning:

"Mrs. Fatty,
Just wanted to let you know that we have been having a few problems with Rufus talking during class. He has missed some recess time for talking, but it hasn't seemed to bother him. I had to get on to him again this morning. So I thought I would let you know. He was a little bit upset when I told him I was going to email you.
Thanks,
Annoyed Teacher Lady"

After a friendly little conversation with me, Rufus sat himself upon a chair to compose an apology letter to his annoyed teacher. Here is what it said:

"Dear Mrs. Teacher,
I am sorry that I talked when I wasn't supposed to. I understand that when I do that I stop you from teaching, I stop other people from learning, I am rude, and I don't let you make the money you need. I will try harder not to interupt.
Love,
Rufus"

IF I WERE EVER TO GET A TATTOO.........

THIS WOULD BE IT!!!!!!

September 2008

Pony?
Pink Wii?
Personal chef?
80 lb. bag of M&M's?
Pink Ferrari?
Big ass hairy spider from the grocery store?
Whatever you want. I will give it to you.

10 Ways to Prepare for the Hurry-cane, East Texus Style

1. Buy supplies:
-- fresh package of uncooked flour tortillas*
-- butter
-- lard
-- corn tortillas
-- cheddar cheese
-- dried chili peppers
-- cumin seed
-- pinto beans
-- pinto bean seasoning
-- stew meat
-- tomato paste
-- propane for the portable grill so we can still have a fiesta after the power goes out
-- 12 pack of super-gi-normous rolls of toilet paper
-- milk
-- poptarts
*This is serious business. We have started cooking our own flour tortillas and if we run out in the midst of a feeding frenzy, we're going to have mayhem and probably some attempted murder.
(Purchased.)

2. Make sure box of cheap white wine has plenty remaining in it.
(Yes, it does.)

3. Mow the yard.
(Done.)

4. Secure all the trash next to the neighbor's fence, so when the 65 mph winds blow, it will go into their yard.
(Done.)

5. Charge the porteeball DVD player to entertain the kids when the power goes out.
(Can't find the cord.)

6. Steam clean the rugs.
(Huh?)

7. Remove old couch from front porch.
(But where will I sleep?)

8. Put flotation device on diablo dog so he can float to higher ground.
(Still considering whether floating or sinking is my preferred option.)

9. Buy one huge hairy spider.
(Done.)

10. Make sure spider purchased in #7 is new security object for your 2 year old.
(Done.)

When I grow up........

or perhaps in my next life, I
wanna be a DOG with no
responsibilities except to eat
and sometimes pee outside
and sometimes pee inside.
Y.M.

This says it all.........

The Mustangs beat the Seminole Indians real good .... but the real star of the
show was the Mustang Band with Matthew front and center. An evening to
remember, for sure!

Let's End This Train Wreck on a Sweet Note

It's not in focus, but it sure is cute.
For the record, "ice cream" is currently pronounced as "chi-crim" and her father has taught her to spray air-o-soll Readiwhip straight into her open bird mouth.

Those sun glasses are mine from college, purchased at the Goodwill in downtown Austin.

Bumpus and I Had a Very Nice Vacation

Photos are here.

Frat Daddy in Training, Lesson #1: Keep Your Boots On

Rufus went to a slumber party last weekend. He has been on sleepovers before, but I think this may have been the first actual slumber party. The birthday boy was a year older, turning 9, but he and his younger brother like Rufus and Boudreaux, so both were invited.

The swar-aay was a camp out in the backyard of some folks who have a house near the road and a big pasture out back. I think there were about 7 boys there, along with a grandmother, teenage brother, and the two parents.

When I arrived Sunday morning to pick them up, the Mom ran up and pulled me over to the side:

Worried Mom: "I hope you won't think we're bad parents or anything. We had no idea it was going on."

Fatty: "Huh?"

WM: "Well, they were playing in the tent. The adults were on the porch, just 20 feet away, but thought they were just talking."

F: "Okay?"

WM: "But apparently they were playing Truth or Dare, and your younger one chose dare."

F: "How do you know?"

WM:..."Well, because the adults were just on the porch chatting and we looked up and Rufus was running across the cow pasture..."

F: "Yeah?"

WM: "...stark naked except for his boots..."

F: "Huh?"

WM: "...and he was screaming, 'I FEEL THE FREEDOM!'"

School Supply Shopping & Fatty's Proclamation for August 2008

When they invent a license for parenting, one that you have to earn before they let you make babies, one of the things that should be part of the test is letting the potential parent loose in a busy grocery store after a long day of work at 5:30 PM on a weekday about 3 days before public schools start with a limited budget and school supply lists for both 3rd and 5th grades, each written in 7 point, single spaced font. If the person can't complete the test by (1) getting everything (accurate products) on the list, (2) staying within the budget, and (3) finishing in less than 30 minutes, then that person should be sterilized.

Fatty's Proclamation for August 2008: Anyone who is overwhelmed to the point of getting dizzy on the salad dressing aisle shouldn't be allowed to go school supply shopping (or have children).

Thankfully, I scooted through and made my babies before this test was instituted.

After spending over $70 on things like (this is just a sample)...

• 70 (yes, SEVEN-TEE) #2 pencils,
  
• 2 large pink erasers and 8 pencil top erasers (all for only one child?!?),
  
• zippered baggies (I was instructed to buy HEFTY or ZIPLOC ONLY but guess what? Those were over $3 per box, my gas bill last month was over $650, the store brand of baggies with zippers were $1 a box, so can you figure out what I bought?),
  
• two 2" binders that zip (hello? all they had was 1 3/4" binders that zip? is a quarter inch really that important? did a man write this list?),
• four packages of CRAYOLA brand markers, two big and two little, all for one child (again, the store brand was on sale for 50 cents each and the Crayola brand was $3.59 each...GUESS WHAT I BOUGHT?),
  
• and 3 four-ounce bottles of glue (again, for one child...why not just one larger size?),

...I decided that I deserved a prize all for myself. I pondered buying some liquid paper to sniff or some rubber cement to inhale but was so exhausted by that point that I couldn't figure out where the adult school supplies were located.

I Shaved the Cat

Fatty's Observation #95: Life of Pee

One of them wet the bed.
One of them peed on my bed.
One of them had a bloody nose in the bed.
One of them has a cat who thinks the bed is its bed.

Then it occurs to me...about the time I am finished washing other peoples' pee out of the sheets, I will be so old that it will be time for me to start washing my own pee out of the sheets again...

Considering that a big trend nowadays is for adult children to move back home with their parents, I need to start drafting my list of house rules, for when I'm 90 and my 50 year old children move back in with me.

Rule #1: Wash your own pee out of the sheets. And while you're at it, wash my pee sheets, too.

Wisdom (?) of Rufus #904

Rufus and the school nurse proclaimed yesterday that he had a double ear infection. So I dutifully made a doctor's appointment today, loaded up the sick 2-year old (cold, allergies, something snotty), got the boys out of school, and drove the 45 minutes (cost in gas, round trip = ~$15) to the clinic. We were all p.o.ed because even though we were 20 minutes early, they called us to go to the exam room immediately. This meant two things:

1. We got robbed of valuable time playing with the little bead roller coaster table things and other fine wooden toys which harbor the infectious germs of the thousands of drooling, sneezing, spitting, and squirting children.

AND

2. We got to sit in the exam room, which has no toys, no books, no nothing except electrical outlets and very thin walls so that everyone around us can hear the chaos my three offspring are causing...for THIRTY-FIVE MINUTES while we waited on the doctor.

Ah, but I digress...

Before entering the toyless exam room sweatbox, Rufus got the standard weight, temperature, drug use, and hat size prep work interview. There we stood, with two other multi-child families, around the scale and thermometer station, with three nurses aids, all being ushered through the procedures. Rufus got weighed. The nurse asked if he was on any medications. I resisted the urge to answer, "no, but could you sneak me some happy pills from the sample supply?" She took his temperature. Amidst all the activity, she asked me, "Is he allergic to any medicines?" To which I quietly answered "Keflex." Quietly, I say, because there was plenty of other chatty noise in the 6-foot circle that all three families and aides were sharing.

Because I was trying to be unobtrusive, she didn't hear me. "I'm sorry?" she said. I opened my mouth to repeat myself, and at that very moment, one of those coincidental lulls fell over the crowd. And as if on cue, Rufus, in his best hog-calling siren of a voice announced,

"I AM ALLERGIC TO CATHOLICS."

(Yes, after a moment of hang-time during which all eyes looked at Rufus and then at me, everyone over the age of 12 started laughing (thankfully). No, Rufus did not have any ear infections.)

Big Day: First Full Sentence

Magoo said her first official fully formed sentence this morning at 7 AM:
"Daddy is a big girl, too."

Fatty Confesses: "I Go Yap"

I made my 2-year old daughter, who was screaming her lungs out (in anger) and trying to pinch/punch her brothers, run two laps around the house. Such punishment is doled out based on age (10 year olds run 10 laps). She, however, pronounces an "L" as a "Y," so the whole time she was jogging/walking/picking flowers, she was yelling, "I go yap, Mama! I go yap!"

The New Dysfunctional Family Past Time: Bowling

After significant training on Wii Bowling, we decided that we were ready to turn pro, so we headed to the local bowling alley. The first game, I threw 12 gutter balls. Bumpus did a little better, and the kids used bumpers--rails that pop up and prevent the ball from going in the gutter. Our first two games, Magoo came in second and Boudreaux came in first. I came in last.

We had so much fun that we went back again last weekend. Magoo discovered the hotline phone to the front desk. Here are some photos from the second official DF Bowlathon.

Magoo cannot life even the lightest ball, so a brave brother carries up to the lane and she shoves it off. You can see the bumpers up on the sides of the lane.

Dammit! I was robbed!
What's bowling without proper tantrum throwing?

Hey Mr. Man on the hotline phone. Send a bucket o' beer to lane #2!

Wisdom of Rufus #730

Magoo fell out of bed the other night and hit her forehead on the night table. Ouch. She had a bruise over her right eye. At soccer that night, everyone was asking us what happened. Rufus got tired of all that and finally started yelling...

"She fell out of bed! So what? Love hurts!"

Feeding Children 1, 2, 3

Child #1: Breakfast is good for you and entertaining.
Home-made pancakes with blueberries for a smile, fresh cut apples, milk.
You are precious and the heart of the universe.

Child #2: Breakfast is good for you.
Lower sugar Froot loops, closed properly in the pantry so they are not stale, and milk.
Sit still and learn your manners.

Child #3: You get what you get and you don't throw a fit.
M&M's and fritos mixed in one bowl, as requested.
If you're going to hit your brother, then use your hand only...no brass knuckles.