GET REAL, POR FAVOR

Lookin like to Y.M. that sum
folks B 2 tall and sum B 2
short. Not N E middle sizes
about it. PTL that we not
fittin in neither category.
Have you ever met 'em B-fore?
Plenty scarey, ain't it!

Lovely Lady

Think she gother watch set
wrong tween am and pm.
Ain't she a beauty, bet her
mama is mitey proud of this
little design. Maybe it B her
casual friday outfit.

CHECK NELSON AND LUCY IMMEDIATELY!!!!

You never know what treasures you will uncover!!!

Things to Do This Weekend......

#1 - Get a Pedicure

Reflections on Flatulence.....

DON'T WEAR THE PAD, JUST BE GLAD!

If you purchase one of those loverly filters, it might prevent you from being able to express youself as nature intended.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YszlftVHEa8

Fatty's Christmas Wish List #1

2-Morrow B Casual Friday

Shaniqua B wantin 2 no
what lil outfit you plannin
2 wear, wanna B sure it
ain't the same as hers.

Yo Mama has a different
look N mind for hersself.

What college did she choose?

Awaiting your comments
and observations..........

Y.M.

Mama, don't let yo babies grow up to be cowboys ....

I think he B thinkin that no
bodie told him this mite be
a happenin...........

OUCH!

Don't lettum grow up 2 B
toreadors neither.

Fast Forward

Can it B? Is it Carroll and
Nancy somewhere down the
line aft-her Y.M. is in the
great beyond? Sure didn't
know it was a butt snore.

Rufus the Tutor, Volume 1

Tuesday was not a video game day, so what was the point of existing? Boudreaux comes home and sticks his nose in a book. Magoo is dismantling the house. What is a poor middle child to do? Strap on his iPod and lay face down, sprawled on the floor for an hour. Of course, what is a mother to do? Let all those sleeping dogs keep laying there as long as they are shut up.

Then later, I happen to be walking into the kitchen. Rufus is sitting with Magoo at the table, intently working on teaching her something of great value...

Rufus, very slowly and deliberately: "Okay, here it is again. Say it: Screw...you...we're...from...Texus."

Magoo: "Sroo yew...Tech-sass."

Nice.

For the "Easy to Amuse" Crowd out There

Bumpus got some blood test results back that were not good...pre-diabetic levels, in fact. Therefore, Bumpus is now on a "Mediteranean" diet that includes whole grains, fruits, veg, and fish or chicken ONLY three meals per week. No more than 1/2 a pound of red meat (includes pork) per M-O-N-T-H. What does this mean? We...both mind you, for moral support and because I don't want to be a widow...are now almost vegetarians. What else does it mean? That I am friggin gonna die if I don't get me a hangaburger soon (you know how you always want what you can't have). More? That he is supposed to drink 1-2 glasses of red wine per night. Next implication? That I will be joining him by drinking two HUGE glasses of cheap white wine per night, too. After all, a wife should support her husband.

So tonight, dinner was asparagus, broccoli, tomatoes, okra, and two pieces of double-fiber wheat bread. Then two large glasses of wine. What does this mean? Three things: (1) that my pee already stinks from the asparagus, (2) that I'll be shitting like a duck with the runs tomorrow, and (3) that I am easily amused. Therefore, I will share the source of my amusement:

Talkin' to the Beautiful, Grown Up Cousin

Magoo has been pretending to talk to her West Texus cousins on the phone, so tonight I called them in real life so she could actually say hi. This made her night! Here is what it looked like on our end.

NOW I KNOW WHOSE FAULT IT IS!!!!!!!

Body Parts Anyone?

Last week, we were riding in the car and Rufus was busy studying an anatomy book. Of course the book is age-appropriate. Otherwise, you could tear all the other pages out except the peety and peety pit illustrations because nothing else would grab his attention like that.

But he was engrossed in studying away as I drove into town. Suddenly he wanted to know...

Rufus: "Mama, what is a jen-eye-tall?"

Fatty: "Huh?"

Rufus: "A jen-eye-tall, Mama, a jen-eye-tall!"

Fatty: "Do you mean a genital?"

R: "Yes."

F: "Your genitals are your private parts."

Boudreaux: "THAT is QUITE enough."

Magoo: "Snake farm nasty."

Now, moving on to other body parts. This picture was taken tonight, as the rock band imitations continued. That is quite a yapper this one has on him. Is that down into esophagus that I can see? Is it his spine? Does he have a chicken bone permanently lodged in his throat? The anatomy book doesn't give me enough details to figure out this one.

Official Halloween Documentation, 2008

This year's costumes were not settled until the whiff of chocolate hit the air at 5:15 PM on Halloween evening. Originally, Boudreaux had been planning to be a pretty pink princess...thus, the lovely Walgreen's $7.99 blond wig that I bought. However, once he was in the dress and the wig and I was threatening him with lipstick, he backed out. Hence, we now have a very fine $7.99 Walgreen's hair band rock out wig. I have pictures of Bumpus in the wig, but if I put them on the blog he will get bad bad revenge, and we can't go having that.

So Boudreaux morphed from a princess into a bespectacled Star Wars sith with a do rag and some sort of plastic bugs/skeletons/boogers hanging out of the mask's airholes. Rufus went back to his mutant Star Wars character approach, too--the same approach used before a costume party last weekend...plus some menacing "come here and getcha some" faces.

That left Magoo, who has over the past two weeks become extremely opinionated about her clothes. Like Sarah Palin's handlers, she has both high fa-loot-in taste and a complete disrespect for anything made out of synthetic material. She, like her Mama, is a cotton snob. We shun acrylic, nylon, spandex, and all that other crap as often as possible. So Magoo, being the last and the girl, had three costume choices: (1) a lovely black witch dress and hat purchased off the sale rack at Target ($6.69), (2) an equally lovely pink layered princess dress purchased at Walgreens ($9.99) with a boa, crown, and any other ah-coo-tray-ments she desired. I was even willing to let her wear the aligator hat with it. Choice #3 was the Mama-made Princess Leigha hair/hat and cloak from last year. Despite being in her current "pink phase" and despite loving witches, Magoo went for ye old standby, which was good with me because last year she wouldn't leave the hair on. This year we threatened her with "if you don't have your hair on, they won't give you any chocolate when you go to the door." The be-jeweled "tap taps" (flip flops) and maroon/white binky were the bling on top.

May the farce be with you.

Random Halloween Photos, 2008

Rufus is excited about his present: RockBand for Wii.

Practicing the fine artistry of the hairband rock out.

Boudreaux busts out with an imitation of Courtney Love...or Britney...of something...

The Shrine to Rufus

Rufus having a Halloween birthday means that his celebration always gets meshed in with the normal trick or treating, etc. So this year, I decided, a week before his birthday, to make him his own special display. Magoo and I decorated a big banner for his birthday (above what you can see in the picture) and then I set up this lovely display. The big newspaper covered box is his "big" present. Bumpus thought it looked like a shrine.

Haircut #3: On the Way to Da Bob

Magoo was expertly bribed by the very fine hair cutting professional. We are working on having a bob haircut, but we have to wait for the pieces around her face to grow out first.

HEY YO MAMA - FEEL FREE TO LEAVE THIS SIGN IN THE YARD

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

"NO OBAMA" says YO MAMA

I am proud to announce that political signs in the neighborhood are no longer safe - Yo Mama is on a political mission to remove all Obama signs and throw them in the bushes. You GO, YO MAMA!!!

Post-Report from Sin City, Part VI

I was sitting in the Houston airport with my i-Pod on, watching a silly TV show. I completely forgot where I was, and I completely wasn't paying attention to myself, and I farted. Now, I had headphones on, so I didn't hear it. However, I felt the Thunder from Down Under, and it didn't feel like a puny one. The guy sitting to my right, who had been reading, also looked up from his book. I smiled...real big.

What do you expect? Remember that whole no-poo-away-from-home issue? Eventually you have to pay the piper.

Post-Report from Sin City, Part V

The air port shuttle picked me up at 7 AM, and I noticed the guy talked real funny, with an odd accent. When he left me off, I said thank you, and he asked me where I was from. I told him Texus, and he asked what part. He was from the same area. No wonder he talked funny. He talked just like me.

Post-Report from Sin City, Part IV

We did not go to Thunder from Down Under because, in my house, that is one of the things we call farts. Who wants to pay good money to watch a bunch of overly groomed, oiled, sweaty, leather-pants-wearing girly men fart?

Post-Report from Sin City, Part III

I promised not to discuss what we drank or how late we stayed out.

Post-Report from Sin City, Part II

We did not take any photos of me losing my money. That is a private event.

Although I did get some free drinks...

Post-Report from Sin City, Part I

I lost all of my money. Quickly. Twenty cents at a time.

Magoo and Rufus Prepare for Church

At dinner tonight, Rufus was busy teaching Magoo some new tunes. I'm assuming that this is in preparation for our bi-monthly church attendance this coming weekend. First he taught her the individual words, then she put it together in a song.

Sing along, using the melody to "Are You Sleeping, Brother John":

"Rat pa too tee, Rat pa too tee,
Chicken balls. Chicken balls.
Meaty meaty meatballs.
Meaty meaty meatballs.
Spherical meat. Spherical meat."

Yes, I had to ask Bumpus how to spell spear-i-cal.

Just Standing By ..........

Y.M. is threw with her flowerbed
cleaning and planting and now she
just standing by WAITING FOR
BLOG PHOTOS AND FULL REPORT
ON THE MOST RECENT TRIP OF
THE WAYWARD GIRLIES...........

Home Again

Guess what arrived home 2-day, no
canvas, lotsa stuff 2 do 2 make ready
for the fall voyage. The Kaptain was a
nervous nelly til he got it all tied up.
And, NO, he did not drive the boat, got
his Friend Frank the pilot to drive and
The Kaptain just hung out and bossed
the whole situation. Glad to have that
behind us. Shame I won't be here for the
next 4 days to haul, load, clean, move and
smile alot. B doing that next week.
Y.M. reporting in

A Bit of His-tor-E

We gonna put this somewhere M-Portant
on the outside of That House so people B
knowing where they R. This is Hal's first
office sign, 1966. Don't ya think this is a
winner? Got 2 more, one a more recent
sign and then the last one "Corporate
Office" when they moved him out of the
main office N-2 the little office next door.

Dear CPS,I hereby confess to scaring the shit out of my daughter.Love,Fatty

A few weeks ago, Magoo and I were having our evening shower party, where I end up sitting on the floor of the shower while she plays with all the toys I manage to cram in there, much to Bumpus's sha-grin.

We ended up playing a game where I would hide my eyes with my hands, Magoo would pour water from a cup over my shoulder/leg/head, and I would open my hands and yell BOO! Think of a shower version peek-a-boo and you have the idea. So this went on for some time, probably a dozen rounds, and she was having a blast, shrieking and laughing.

I went for another round, closed my eyes, felt the water pour over my shoulder, and yelled "BOO!" She screamed and laughed and then look absolutely shocked. Her face froze and she stood very still. Then she turned around and looked down. She had pooped. She was MORT-ee-FIDE.

Now, let me take a little side trip here to say that each of my boys had one poop-in-the-tub incident. I was mortified, but each of them at their own point (around 2 years old) thought is was hilarious. They laughed and pointed and laughed some more. I got out the friggin' bleach and went to work on the e-coli.

Poor Magoo. She was more ashamed than I have ever seen her look. Of course, I immediately started saying "It's okay, baby, let's just clean it up." Well, actually, I said that right after I said "Wait. Stand real still. Don't move." It was about the size of a small cat turd (TMI!!!), so I got it with some tissue, flushed it, and then (without Magoo in the shower, of course, you silly CPS people) did the bleach clean up. She was very quiet this whole time, but I was having a hard time not jiggling...I mean giggling...that, too.

We dried off, got dressed, and went out to tell Bumpus. I told the story, while she continued to look sheepish. I gave her kisses and told her it was okay. Finally, she looked at me very sternly. She may have even raised her little chubby finger and wagged it at me a little. In a very annoyed tone, she finally spoke: "No more scare baby, mama. No BOO. Boo Baby POOP!"

This lecture continued for the next 10 minutes.

Four Punkins, One Dead Battery

Bad news:
Dumb Fatty went off and left the lights turned on in the Jeep. The battery was so dead that it didn't even make that clicking sound when I turned the key.

Good news:
Fatty realized this 30 minutes before school let out, enough time to get the stroller/child/drinks organized before taking the 3/4 mile walk to school to get all the people. The weather was outstanding, a perfect day. The people refrained from complaining. I must be reaping good karma. We stopped off at the pumpkin patch on the way home and picked out the huge orange mass you now see taking up the stroller. It probably weighs about 35 pounds. It rode home in the stroller, while Magoo rode on the foot plate up front. A very fine day.

I'm writing about this, so I can refer back to it in the midst of the screaming chaos that is my normal life.

Magoo's Halloween Review

"PUNKIN! YES PUNKIN IS MIIIIIINNNNNEEEEEUH. My punkin RIGHT NOW!"















"Ohhhhhh me yike dat scary. Yes. My scary."















"Uh Oh man boo boo. Bandaid Mama?"










"Silly moo cow."











"Me no yike. Scccccaaaaarrry. No take home. Bye bye scary."

I Love to Ride My BicycleI Love to Ride My BikeI Love to Ride My BicycleI Love to Ride It Where I Like

Disclaimer: Yes, she wears a helmet when we're moving.

Magoo Speaks Her Piece: #0000000000002

Another church adventure today. The first part is what all of us were saying in unison, and the bold print is what Magoo yelled at the end of the Lord's Prayer:

"...and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen. CHICKEN NUTS!"

Between a Rock and a Soft Place

Where there's a will, there's a way.
Lucy, a Jack Russell terrier/beagle
prefers Boomer Beagle to a hard rock
island in the FRIO RIVER. Makes
Yo Mama wanna take our Lucy and
head for the hills.

Was I Supposed to be able to Resist?