WE B WAITING AND WAITING AND WAITING

Wheather men dun tole us 2006 wood be nother big one sew on Aug. 22 we borded up sum winders and piled the outside inside and here we sits jes waiting. This B a view of our porch and dining room stuff. Mite start new trend in decor. 

Wantin Our Guests 2 Feel At Home Here

Kaptain keeping his bathroom scales tween the guest chair and the tv in the livin room so they kan weigh fore and after eating Mama's good cookin. Thinkin he mus be com-ple-mentin my good cookin. Think sew?

Big sekret is there ain't no guest cookin or eatin whilst the livin room staying n such homey shape. 

Kan U Name All the Stuff On the Table?

1. TV changer
2. blue handle tiny toothbrush for speshul
hard stuff to reach
3. white plastic tooth-picker
4. razor to shave face or whatever
5. container of toothpicks

All this and more in our very own living room at all times and 4 all e-vents, cluding kumpanie to visit. Wunder where that dirty hanky is that
usually sets there - I don't touchet, myself. Yo
Mama likes kleenex bettern wet hankies. Guess
livin room B cross tween Fox Central and the
bathroom. 

A World Wide Guinnes Record Holder

Here B my old friend from Bahamas place that has this 13" waste, jes makes me hungrie 2 even think bout it. I gotta new friend for thissun - jes check out the pic below. I kinda B thinkin they got sumthin in common.

Faces be Re-moved to protect the N-O-cent 

New Friend for Old Friend

Jes run n-2 a new friend 4 my friend I tole U bout a while back, don't no if U ever did meet ole friend but here B new one. Jes sumthin to think bout. Yo Mama wunders and wunders .... wunder if that ole friend seen above looks like this unner her fancy corsets?

Whadda you think? 

Mama went to CURVES 'n Lucy got her hair dyed

Yo Mama been a-goin to CURVES now for mosta month and lookin sum better as U kan C! 'N I got my Lucy girl a bleach job and a handy bag to exercise with her mama.

Yo Mama wants 2 no if Goozie wants a bag 2? 

Fatty Ponders #924

We love bacon. As a con-see-quince, our kitchen floor is sometimes a little greasy. So now here's my perponderance: Is bacon grease on the floor good for my dry, calloused feet? I don't see how it could hurt.

I've noticed lately that fancy Opree is obsessed with her dry, calloused heels...last week, she was rubbing hydrogenated oil (aka transfat) out of a big ol' beaker onto her palms and talking about putting it on her heels. Good lord, I'd slide right OUT of my flipper whoppers if my feet were that greasy!

So now I have something in common with Opree.

Wisdom of Rufus #922

Bruiser
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Every elementary school has one: the lady who screams in the cafeteria, trying to get the little hellions to shove some chow in their pie holes and stop yammering. In our small school, this lady carries a bullhorn during lunch. She also helps load up the little germ bags into the cars at the end of the day as we ubermommies sit in our SUV's, air conditioning blasting, filling the air with carbon monoxide, waiting in the 100 degree heat, to fetch our precious little offspring. This lady doesn't like anyone...she doesn't smile...she never says hello or "you're welcome" when thanked...she scowls a lot...and she LOVES Rufus. All the girls love Rufus.

So we see this cafer-tear-ya, car rider line, scary lady with a bullhorn at dinner last night. Rufus has a lovely bruise on his chin, and as we were passing the lady's table, she and her husband stopped him. I didn't know this and kept walking for a few feet. Then I heard laughter and glee. Here's what had transpired:

Scary Lady (with big smile on her face), to Rufus: "Hello! Oh my! What happened to your chin?"

Rufus: "Barfight."

SL: "What?"

R: "I said BARFIGHT. That's what happened to my chin!"

SL, laughing hysterically: "Good lord! Are you okay?"

R: "You should have seen the other guy."

No wonder they love him.

For Aunt Choc

Fatty Ponders #918

A major benefit of have situational ADD, combined with early onset Allz-heemers: I forget what I write. In fact, I just enjoyed reading the post titled "Fatty Got a Question(s) #826B." I don't even remember writing any of that? No wonder I can spend the decade of my 30's reading the Harry Potter books over and over again: by the time I get to the sixth book, I can't remember what happened in the first one. Just think how much money I am saving on new books!

I had something else that I was a-ponderin', but now I can't remember what it was.

Ready for Sundy Meetin'

Amish Princess?
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

No, not an Amish princess, because the Amish cannot wear pink. Notice the coordinated binkeroosky. The bonnet made it through all the pinching grannies, past the hymns sung out of tune, and all the way to the doxology. Pretty good for her first trip to the big house.

Thanks, Aunt Choc.

Smells Like Roses!
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Inspired by your genius idea of inserting a dryer sheet into every person's underbritches in order to convert the poofs of noxicity into puffs of pleasantry, we have adapted the approach for our resident four-legged fart factory.

This, of course, is causing the brain cell much angst because his neck is not long enough to reach his booty, and he is desperate to inspect himself.

Weekly Photo for Yo Mama

Sit Up Goozie!
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Girlchild:

Three months old. Holding head up. Reaching for things. Giggling.

Mother and Father:

Blithering idiots.

Wisdom of Rufus #917

Prince Rufus
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

We have a new tradition at our house: when a boy child cannot control his body, when he is contorting into strange positions whilst upon the couch or kitchen table, when he is running pell-mell around the house bumping into random walls, when he is chasing dogs, cats, or tapeworms in circles around the living room table, well, then he is commanded from above to remove his body to the out of doors and run laps around the house. Five year olds get five laps; eight year olds get eight laps. One should run but is allowed to walk if necessary...constant forward movement and a shut-up pie hold are the only requirements. This new tradition is what inspired Rufus's wisdom for this day:

Rufus: "I have been getting into a lot of trouble today."

Fatty: "Yes, you have."

R: "Know why?"

F: "Please explain."

R: "I'm in training."

F: "Huh?"

R: "Training. All those laps help me learn to run even faster, which means I'll be able to catch the girls at recess."

F: (silence as she ponders)

R: "Come to think of it, I'd like to go run some laps now. Do I need to do something to get in trouble or I can I just go run?"

Wisdom of Rufus #913

An exchange of important information between brothers:

Rufus: "How old do you have to be to like girls?"

Boudreaux: "Well, my teacher said you to be old enough to have a job, make some money and take them out."

R: "Take them out?"

B: "Like on a date."

R: "Oh, I rather taken 'em out with a hammer."

I didn't know whether to cheer or call Dr. Phil?

How Fatty Got in Trouble #907

Squeezer
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Every girl child needs a baby doll. And a band for permanently scarring skull compression so they can match.

YES, CAT CRAP, I DID IT TO HER MYSELF!

And no, Bumpus was not pleased.

How Fatty Got in Trouble #906

Fred
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

So Bumpus has a big ol shiny new tank full o' bubblin' water and plastic plants and Bumpus has big plans on how he's going to fill up that water with certain little fishies, none of which is good fer eatin'. So what does a good Fatty do? She marches down to the local discountatorium and purchases this 6-inch long little lovely. Bumpus was not happy that Fatty had invaded his fish tank plans...but who could resist this funky face???

I Love My Camera

Bubbly Buddha
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Bubbly Buddha is bodaciously endowed, just like me. Apparently, if you go by the visual cues in Bumpus's birthday present, a 55 gallon fish tank, Siddhartha was lounging in Atlantis before it was lost. Cat Crap: Do you think that is kind of like escaping to the City of Lost Wages?

Girl on Parade

Tea Party
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Picture of the week for Yo Mama. Goozie is off to her first tea party with the ladies. The ballet slippers, pictured way back in February (see the archives), barely fit.

You Want Fries or Apple Dippers with That?

Fatty: "It's 5:45, I am still at work, and I have to go by the (insert creative obscenities here) Wally Mort before I drive home. What are you going to feed the boys for dinner?"

Bumpus: "A peanut butter sandwich and a big can of whoop ass."

Clue # 1

WRONG !! Try again ..........

Lucy likes sweet potatoes, raw or cooked or half done.
Lucy likes everything except dry, dietary dogfood.

Fatty Ponders #903

Why does scrubbing the inside of your ear with a q-tip feel so indescribably good?

A Quiz For The Blog Family

Read the following quote carefully:

"The reason you don't cook my sweet potatoes until they
are soft is that you know how much I like them and you
don't want me to eat them".

QUIZ: Who said this? Vote for (1) Jack (2) Hank
(3) Lucy or (4) Hal J.

Weekly Photo for BM

Weekly Photo for BM
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Bahama Mama:
Here is your weekly photo of Tootsie Magoo, 10.5 weeks old, taken today.

You think in a few years we would stick her on a sled and drag her around our meticulously cared for yard behind a truck? With a smile like this, her father would probably do it.

Sleddin' in East Texus

Sleddin' in East Texus
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

As we relaxed eating our fried chicken and gazed out across the parched beauty of our East Texus lawn in the dog days of late August, our neighbors hooked up a sled to the back of their truck and started dragging their older daughters around on THEIR OWN YARD. They were doing dog-nuts on their own grassy expanse.

Who does dog-nuts in their pick up on their empty lot in the middle of town on a Sunday morning, or any time for that matter?

True East Texuns.

Fatty on the Road to RU?

Three hours ago, I went to the grocery because everyone in my family was screaming for fried chicken, most of all me. Just five minutes ago, I realized that the shorts I was wearing (with a shorter shirt--no tail to hide the evidence) were on wackbards, with the draw string hanging down my the center of my broad booty. We did get the fried chicken though. Priorities.

And Finally, Figuring All Class is Already Lost for the Day:The Dutch Oven

While others are learnin' fancy new words like prestidigitation and bein' told in the third grade that they can read books up to an 8th grade level, others of us are learnin' about new concepts like the Dutch Oven. (You'll have to scroll down to see the definition.)

In the spirit of our recent high tech advances, here is a video for further instruction: note my favorite part, when the dog and cat get dutch ovened at the very beginning: Dutch Oven in action. What is your favorite part?

I have a whole story to illustrate this but will have to relate it later when Goozie is not in my lap.

PS to Bahama Mama: Shot the bunny lately?

And Now, on That Same Subject:The Wisdom of Rufus #823

exit
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Fatty: "What did you learn at school today, oh kindergartener?"

Rufus: "How to keep my farts quiet during nap time."

Fatty Got a Question(s) #826B

Why is it that a grown woman with crow's feet, three chilrens, too many animals to count, and lovely, naturally greying hair still cannot keep a straight face (most of the time) when discussing or otherwise considering fla-chu-lence, aka farts?

By the way, Bumpus is just as bad as I am about it, too.

Will we ever grow up? Or will I be 99 years old, living next door to Bumpus in a house full of cats, and still laughing when 108-year-old Cat Crap toots?

I guess that was more than one question.

Fatty Got a Question #826

NO PHOTO AVAILABLE

At what point does a toilet become a science experiment?

BEHOLD: THE VIDEO!

Fatty and Goozie have gove high tech!

Tootsie MaGoo, also known as Goozie, has a favorite sport: pounding the hell out of TTKAAW (the toy known as Aunt Woolah).

Sidenotes: Yes, this is a silent video. You didn't need to hear me cheering her on. And no, the speed is not increased--she really is kicking that fast.

BRTRU, Stop #813

Green Eyed Boy
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Rufus and I were reading a book about Benjamin Franklin while Boudreaux was sitting on the couch reading something else. Of course, this was a picture book...what kind of a freak do you think I am?

Rufus (reading out loud): "Benjamin was one of 16 children."

Fatty, in horror: "Yikes! Can you imagine being part of a family that big?"

Boudreaux, just tuning in: "Benjamin must be a rabbit...(lengthy pause as R & F contemplate that comment)...because humans can't make that many babies."

Look Out Archie Bunker

Recliner
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

The people who want you to spend lots of money on things with a relatively short life span came up with a bunch of fun, cool inventions while I was busy being not pregnant and not the mother of a small child. So now that I get one last ride on the roller coaster, I am having fun learning about all the stuff that I've missed in the mean time.

This here is called a Bumbo. Of course, anything that is called something only a few letters away from "Bumpus" has to come live at my house. It's a chair that supports their backs so they can sit in it BEFORE they can actually sit up good. Tootsie Magoo (current nickname of the week) isn't quite there on the neck thing yet, but she can stay upright for about 30 seconds before making a slow-motion timmmmmbbbeeeerrrrr over to the left. The seat is molded foam rubber, so it's soft and totally washable. People use them as a high chair...in the quest to avoid completely filling our house with large, colorfully appointed plastic items, we are going to try the same.

2240 for the WHOLE THING

Bad Mommy
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Sick: I bought a package of Peanut Butter Oreo Double Stuff.

Sicker: I hid them so no one else in my house would find them.

Sickest: I contemplated eating the whole thing in one day, just so I could write a blog posting about it.

Mildly Redeeming: I ate them in three days instead.

(If you open a package of cookies at 11:59 PM on Monday and finish them at 12:01 AM on Wednesday, then you get to count it as three days!)

Lift

Lift
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Eight weeks.
10.5 pounds.
22 inches long.

BRTRU, Replay of Stop #802

Again, he was wearing shorts with the price tag on them. No, we haven't gone on a shopping spree...I just bought him three pair of shorts for school. He wore them like that all day. Then his buddy called and asked him to come spend the night.

Fatty: "You need to take that tag off your shorts."

Boudreaux: "But I want everyone to know that they're new."

Wisdom of Rufus #811

"Those people in China must be busy."

("Oh yeah? Why?")

"Cause everything we have is made there."

Time for SCHOOL!

The British Invade East Texus
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Well, we registered for kinder-corral-the-beasts yesterday. So what's next? Why a respectable school haircut for our future frat daddy. What else? Yes, we are leaving it just like this, Mama.

BRTRU, Stop #802

Boudreaux walked around all day today, including a trip to Rufus's kindergarten registration, with the sales tags hanging off his new shorts.

Girlchild: 2, Poor Bumpus: 0

Poor, Poor Bumpus
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

And the girlchild gazed up at her father, asking, "Daddy, may I please have a rocket ship with a treasure chest filled with golden coins and diamonds and rubies and can we fly the rocket ship to another world and let me be the queen?"

And her Daddy looked down into her eyes and she smiled.

"Of course you can."

He was a goner from the start. And he knew it.

BRTRU, Stop #730

I need to stop feeding my children. They grow too fast and it's too damned expensive.

"Boudreaux, come try on these new shorts that Bumpus bought you. Let's see if they fit."

(Fatty turns back to business in the kitchen.)

(Shuffling and grunting sounds.)

"Mom? They are too small! I can't even get them over my hips!"

Momentary silence.

"Did you unbutton them?"

Pause.

"Oh! Now they fit just fine."

BRTRU, Stop #727

Onward Fine Fellows
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

With this post, I am starting a new tradition. In the spirit of "The Wisdom of Rufus," we will now also enjoy "Boudreaux's Road to Rice University."

Last Wednesday, Boudreaux was playing outside with his buddies, when he stepped in a big steaming pile of Chuckroast Chili out in the dead middle of the yard. He took great pains to hop, one-footed all the way to the back door, not touching the patty-infested foot to the ground. I found him opening the door, about to walk into the house.

"What are you doing?"

"I stepped in dog poo."

"Why didn't you wipe your foot off in the grass?"

"I wanted you to clean it off."

Fatty Junior in Fine Form

Hoochie Coo Senorita
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

I love this picture of Fatty, Junior! It reminds me that once per year, I get to go chunky dunk at her house and consume a lovely variety and quantity of delicious beverages! Who else out there has a rita machine in her backyard?!?

The Beans that Shook the World

Wholemade Hot Tub
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Wicked Games

Girlchild: 1, Daddy: 0
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Cost of getting Daddy to stop eating his dinner because your hysterical screaming is tearing at his heart strings? Priceless.

Gimme Them Little Shuckers,or as an alternate title,Yes, This Conversation Really Happened

Gratooo-eeetus Photo for Blog Posting: Deep Thoughts or Prepping for Poop?
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Number 3 gave me the gift of a lifetime: a hemi. No, not from Dr. Z but one of those located down south, associated with the work and pain in the *** of motherhood. Thankfully, it's an inside hemi, not an outside hemi. Until now, I didn't know there were different varieties of hemi. I guess I will count that, the fact that I was ignert of such things until this point, as a blessing as well.

So the doctor sends me to the pharmacy with a scribble on a piece of paper. I turn it in, wait an hour, and then return to pick it up. The lady who helps me at the pharmacy is about 45 years old, normal looking...whatever that means.

Pharmacy woman: "That will be $3.24."

Fatty: Hands over money in exchange for package of silver bullets. "Thank you."

PW: "Do you need the pharmacist to answer any questions?"

F, who doesn't ask questions about anything with the word "RECTUM" written on it in all caps: "No, I think it's pretty self-explanatory."

PW: "So, you know where to stick it?"

F: "I have a good idea of where."

PW: "Do you know to take the wrapper off?"

F, who by now has gotten over that tiny ounce of southern-girl restraint and lady-likeness that her Mother worked so hard to teach her: "Do I look like I'd try to eat a tamale with the shuck on it?"

PW: "Well, you'd be surprised by what some people will do."

I See Reezemblence to Audrey Hepburn

Damned Bonnet #2
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Who Needs a Tablemate?

Where Is Thumbkin?
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

And for all you freakishly sensitive people out there who are ready to have CPS marching their chubby little hinies up to my front door, clipboards in hand, YES, I blew off the pizza to cool it a little before setting it on her head! Jeez!

Boudreaux's Bath House

Boudreaux's Bath House
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Rufus Gets High

Rufus Gets High
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Grandpa and Grandpa

Who Needs Savin'?
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Conversation overheard at dinner tonight, just like an old married couple:

Rufus (just returning from his normal mid-dinner bathroom stop): "My nuts hurt when I pee."

Boudreax: "Don't say that."

R: "Why not? If my nuts hurt, then my nuts hurt."

B: "One day, you're going to grow up and if you want to get married, you're going to have to stop talking like that."

R: "Well, maybe. But my nuts still hurt."

Pooh!

Pooh
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Hair Day

Hair Day
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Welcome to the real world, my love. Where even newborns have bad hair days.

It SPOKE TO ME

It SPOKE TO ME
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Welcome to the Age of Aquarius, young earth mother. Where no one wears undies, where we eat special brownies, and where psycho bunnies speak to us of the wonders of the magical world.

9 AM at Our House: The 12-Step Program

240%
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Last night was not particularly peaceful, with little precious bundle screaming her head off from 5 AM until 6:30 AM, sleeping from 6:30-8, eating from 8-8:45, and then starting the screaming again.

Tired Milk-Wagon-Mama's solution?

Step 1: Give child to her father.
Step 2: Forage through the deep freeze, trying not to fall in head-first.
Step 3: Emerge with full pint of "Everything but the..." Ben and Jerry's.
Step 4: Promise one's self to eat only one 1/2-cup serving.
Step 5: Curiously examine the nutritional information, kindly provided a la our governmental regoooolatshuns.
Step 6: Say "Aw, to HELL WITH IT" and eat the whole thing.
Step 7: Ponder the Vallium-like effects of consuming 1240 calories, 120% of my daily fat, and 240% of my daily saturated fat in one 15-minute sitting.
Step 8: Post highly poetic confessional to family blog.
Steps 9-12: Ponder how long one must wait to do this again...

6 AM at Our House

Snooze
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Notice the Babwa Wawa type fuzzy focus, as this was taken in light of the wee morning without a flash.

Jack-o-Lantern

Now I Can Spit Without Opening My Mouth
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Unlike his older brother, who waited for his teeth to literally be hanging by some flesh thread and sending his mother into horrified convulsions, Rufus just took it upon himself to yank the damned thing out (once it was loose enough to not be terribly painful). It's all about the bucks.

Taken as I Was Diving for Cover

East Texus 4th Celebrashuns
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

$14 worth of fireworks...with the grand finale being a pile of used turtles, chickens, dookie worms, and sparklers being placed upon a full package of black cats.

La Leche on the Go

What Happened to Fuzzy Dice?
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

I'm picturing some combination of a Wendy's milkshake and a camping sunshower...

Worm Hole to Another Dimension

Binky Transporter
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

About the Size of a Professional League Football

Bundle
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.