So Bumpus has a big ol shiny new tank full o' bubblin' water and plastic plants and Bumpus has big plans on how he's going to fill up that water with certain little fishies, none of which is good fer eatin'. So what does a good Fatty do? She marches down to the local discountatorium and purchases this 6-inch long little lovely. Bumpus was not happy that Fatty had invaded his fish tank plans...but who could resist this funky face???
Thursday, September 07, 2006
I Love My Camera
Bubbly Buddha is bodaciously endowed, just like me. Apparently, if you go by the visual cues in Bumpus's birthday present, a 55 gallon fish tank, Siddhartha was lounging in Atlantis before it was lost. Cat Crap: Do you think that is kind of like escaping to the City of Lost Wages?
Girl on Parade
Picture of the week for Yo Mama. Goozie is off to her first tea party with the ladies. The ballet slippers, pictured way back in February (see the archives), barely fit.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
You Want Fries or Apple Dippers with That?
Fatty: "It's 5:45, I am still at work, and I have to go by the (insert creative obscenities here) Wally Mort before I drive home. What are you going to feed the boys for dinner?"
Bumpus: "A peanut butter sandwich and a big can of whoop ass."
Bumpus: "A peanut butter sandwich and a big can of whoop ass."
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Clue # 1
WRONG !! Try again ..........
Lucy likes sweet potatoes, raw or cooked or half done.
Lucy likes everything except dry, dietary dogfood.
Lucy likes sweet potatoes, raw or cooked or half done.
Lucy likes everything except dry, dietary dogfood.
Fatty Ponders #903
Why does scrubbing the inside of your ear with a q-tip feel so indescribably good?
Saturday, September 02, 2006
A Quiz For The Blog Family
Read the following quote carefully:
"The reason you don't cook my sweet potatoes until they
are soft is that you know how much I like them and you
don't want me to eat them".
QUIZ: Who said this? Vote for (1) Jack (2) Hank
(3) Lucy or (4) Hal J.
"The reason you don't cook my sweet potatoes until they
are soft is that you know how much I like them and you
don't want me to eat them".
QUIZ: Who said this? Vote for (1) Jack (2) Hank
(3) Lucy or (4) Hal J.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Weekly Photo for BM
Bahama Mama:
Here is your weekly photo of Tootsie Magoo, 10.5 weeks old, taken today.
You think in a few years we would stick her on a sled and drag her around our meticulously cared for yard behind a truck? With a smile like this, her father would probably do it.
Here is your weekly photo of Tootsie Magoo, 10.5 weeks old, taken today.
You think in a few years we would stick her on a sled and drag her around our meticulously cared for yard behind a truck? With a smile like this, her father would probably do it.
Sleddin' in East Texus
As we relaxed eating our fried chicken and gazed out across the parched beauty of our East Texus lawn in the dog days of late August, our neighbors hooked up a sled to the back of their truck and started dragging their older daughters around on THEIR OWN YARD. They were doing dog-nuts on their own grassy expanse.
Who does dog-nuts in their pick up on their empty lot in the middle of town on a Sunday morning, or any time for that matter?
True East Texuns.
Who does dog-nuts in their pick up on their empty lot in the middle of town on a Sunday morning, or any time for that matter?
True East Texuns.
Fatty on the Road to RU?
Three hours ago, I went to the grocery because everyone in my family was screaming for fried chicken, most of all me. Just five minutes ago, I realized that the shorts I was wearing (with a shorter shirt--no tail to hide the evidence) were on wackbards, with the draw string hanging down my the center of my broad booty. We did get the fried chicken though. Priorities.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
And Finally, Figuring All Class is Already Lost for the Day:
The Dutch Oven
While others are learnin' fancy new words like prestidigitation and bein' told in the third grade that they can read books up to an 8th grade level, others of us are learnin' about new concepts like the Dutch Oven. (You'll have to scroll down to see the definition.)
In the spirit of our recent high tech advances, here is a video for further instruction: note my favorite part, when the dog and cat get dutch ovened at the very beginning: Dutch Oven in action. What is your favorite part?
I have a whole story to illustrate this but will have to relate it later when Goozie is not in my lap.
PS to Bahama Mama: Shot the bunny lately?
And Now, on That Same Subject:
The Wisdom of Rufus #823
Fatty: "What did you learn at school today, oh kindergartener?"
Rufus: "How to keep my farts quiet during nap time."
Fatty Got a Question(s) #826B
Why is it that a grown woman with crow's feet, three chilrens, too many animals to count, and lovely, naturally greying hair still cannot keep a straight face (most of the time) when discussing or otherwise considering fla-chu-lence, aka farts?
By the way, Bumpus is just as bad as I am about it, too.
Will we ever grow up? Or will I be 99 years old, living next door to Bumpus in a house full of cats, and still laughing when 108-year-old Cat Crap toots?
I guess that was more than one question.
Fatty Got a Question #826
NO PHOTO AVAILABLE
At what point does a toilet become a science experiment?
Friday, August 25, 2006
BEHOLD: THE VIDEO!
Fatty and Goozie have gove high tech!
Tootsie MaGoo, also known as Goozie, has a favorite sport: pounding the hell out of TTKAAW (the toy known as Aunt Woolah).
Sidenotes: Yes, this is a silent video. You didn't need to hear me cheering her on. And no, the speed is not increased--she really is kicking that fast.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
BRTRU, Stop #813
Rufus and I were reading a book about Benjamin Franklin while Boudreaux was sitting on the couch reading something else. Of course, this was a picture book...what kind of a freak do you think I am?
Rufus (reading out loud): "Benjamin was one of 16 children."
Fatty, in horror: "Yikes! Can you imagine being part of a family that big?"
Boudreaux, just tuning in: "Benjamin must be a rabbit...(lengthy pause as R & F contemplate that comment)...because humans can't make that many babies."
Rufus (reading out loud): "Benjamin was one of 16 children."
Fatty, in horror: "Yikes! Can you imagine being part of a family that big?"
Boudreaux, just tuning in: "Benjamin must be a rabbit...(lengthy pause as R & F contemplate that comment)...because humans can't make that many babies."
Friday, August 11, 2006
Look Out Archie Bunker
The people who want you to spend lots of money on things with a relatively short life span came up with a bunch of fun, cool inventions while I was busy being not pregnant and not the mother of a small child. So now that I get one last ride on the roller coaster, I am having fun learning about all the stuff that I've missed in the mean time.
This here is called a Bumbo. Of course, anything that is called something only a few letters away from "Bumpus" has to come live at my house. It's a chair that supports their backs so they can sit in it BEFORE they can actually sit up good. Tootsie Magoo (current nickname of the week) isn't quite there on the neck thing yet, but she can stay upright for about 30 seconds before making a slow-motion timmmmmbbbeeeerrrrr over to the left. The seat is molded foam rubber, so it's soft and totally washable. People use them as a high chair...in the quest to avoid completely filling our house with large, colorfully appointed plastic items, we are going to try the same.
This here is called a Bumbo. Of course, anything that is called something only a few letters away from "Bumpus" has to come live at my house. It's a chair that supports their backs so they can sit in it BEFORE they can actually sit up good. Tootsie Magoo (current nickname of the week) isn't quite there on the neck thing yet, but she can stay upright for about 30 seconds before making a slow-motion timmmmmbbbeeeerrrrr over to the left. The seat is molded foam rubber, so it's soft and totally washable. People use them as a high chair...in the quest to avoid completely filling our house with large, colorfully appointed plastic items, we are going to try the same.
2240 for the WHOLE THING
Sick: I bought a package of Peanut Butter Oreo Double Stuff.
Sicker: I hid them so no one else in my house would find them.
Sickest: I contemplated eating the whole thing in one day, just so I could write a blog posting about it.
Mildly Redeeming: I ate them in three days instead.
(If you open a package of cookies at 11:59 PM on Monday and finish them at 12:01 AM on Wednesday, then you get to count it as three days!)
Sicker: I hid them so no one else in my house would find them.
Sickest: I contemplated eating the whole thing in one day, just so I could write a blog posting about it.
Mildly Redeeming: I ate them in three days instead.
(If you open a package of cookies at 11:59 PM on Monday and finish them at 12:01 AM on Wednesday, then you get to count it as three days!)
BRTRU, Replay of Stop #802
Again, he was wearing shorts with the price tag on them. No, we haven't gone on a shopping spree...I just bought him three pair of shorts for school. He wore them like that all day. Then his buddy called and asked him to come spend the night.
Fatty: "You need to take that tag off your shorts."
Boudreaux: "But I want everyone to know that they're new."
Fatty: "You need to take that tag off your shorts."
Boudreaux: "But I want everyone to know that they're new."
Wisdom of Rufus #811
"Those people in China must be busy."
("Oh yeah? Why?")
"Cause everything we have is made there."
("Oh yeah? Why?")
"Cause everything we have is made there."
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Time for SCHOOL!
Well, we registered for kinder-corral-the-beasts yesterday. So what's next? Why a respectable school haircut for our future frat daddy. What else? Yes, we are leaving it just like this, Mama.
BRTRU, Stop #802
Boudreaux walked around all day today, including a trip to Rufus's kindergarten registration, with the sales tags hanging off his new shorts.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Girlchild: 2, Poor Bumpus: 0
And the girlchild gazed up at her father, asking, "Daddy, may I please have a rocket ship with a treasure chest filled with golden coins and diamonds and rubies and can we fly the rocket ship to another world and let me be the queen?"
And her Daddy looked down into her eyes and she smiled.
"Of course you can."
He was a goner from the start. And he knew it.
And her Daddy looked down into her eyes and she smiled.
"Of course you can."
He was a goner from the start. And he knew it.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
BRTRU, Stop #730
I need to stop feeding my children. They grow too fast and it's too damned expensive.
"Boudreaux, come try on these new shorts that Bumpus bought you. Let's see if they fit."
(Fatty turns back to business in the kitchen.)
(Shuffling and grunting sounds.)
"Mom? They are too small! I can't even get them over my hips!"
Momentary silence.
"Did you unbutton them?"
Pause.
"Oh! Now they fit just fine."
"Boudreaux, come try on these new shorts that Bumpus bought you. Let's see if they fit."
(Fatty turns back to business in the kitchen.)
(Shuffling and grunting sounds.)
"Mom? They are too small! I can't even get them over my hips!"
Momentary silence.
"Did you unbutton them?"
Pause.
"Oh! Now they fit just fine."
BRTRU, Stop #727
With this post, I am starting a new tradition. In the spirit of "The Wisdom of Rufus," we will now also enjoy "Boudreaux's Road to Rice University."
Last Wednesday, Boudreaux was playing outside with his buddies, when he stepped in a big steaming pile of Chuckroast Chili out in the dead middle of the yard. He took great pains to hop, one-footed all the way to the back door, not touching the patty-infested foot to the ground. I found him opening the door, about to walk into the house.
"What are you doing?"
"I stepped in dog poo."
"Why didn't you wipe your foot off in the grass?"
"I wanted you to clean it off."
Last Wednesday, Boudreaux was playing outside with his buddies, when he stepped in a big steaming pile of Chuckroast Chili out in the dead middle of the yard. He took great pains to hop, one-footed all the way to the back door, not touching the patty-infested foot to the ground. I found him opening the door, about to walk into the house.
"What are you doing?"
"I stepped in dog poo."
"Why didn't you wipe your foot off in the grass?"
"I wanted you to clean it off."
Fatty Junior in Fine Form
I love this picture of Fatty, Junior! It reminds me that once per year, I get to go chunky dunk at her house and consume a lovely variety and quantity of delicious beverages! Who else out there has a rita machine in her backyard?!?
Wicked Games
Cost of getting Daddy to stop eating his dinner because your hysterical screaming is tearing at his heart strings? Priceless.
Gimme Them Little Shuckers,
or as an alternate title,
Yes, This Conversation Really Happened
Gratooo-eeetus Photo for Blog Posting: Deep Thoughts or Prepping for Poop?
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.
So the doctor sends me to the pharmacy with a scribble on a piece of paper. I turn it in, wait an hour, and then return to pick it up. The lady who helps me at the pharmacy is about 45 years old, normal looking...whatever that means.
Pharmacy woman: "That will be $3.24."
Fatty: Hands over money in exchange for package of silver bullets. "Thank you."
PW: "Do you need the pharmacist to answer any questions?"
F, who doesn't ask questions about anything with the word "RECTUM" written on it in all caps: "No, I think it's pretty self-explanatory."
PW: "So, you know where to stick it?"
F: "I have a good idea of where."
PW: "Do you know to take the wrapper off?"
F, who by now has gotten over that tiny ounce of southern-girl restraint and lady-likeness that her Mother worked so hard to teach her: "Do I look like I'd try to eat a tamale with the shuck on it?"
PW: "Well, you'd be surprised by what some people will do."
Who Needs a Tablemate?
And for all you freakishly sensitive people out there who are ready to have CPS marching their chubby little hinies up to my front door, clipboards in hand, YES, I blew off the pizza to cool it a little before setting it on her head! Jeez!
Grandpa and Grandpa
Conversation overheard at dinner tonight, just like an old married couple:
Rufus (just returning from his normal mid-dinner bathroom stop): "My nuts hurt when I pee."
Boudreax: "Don't say that."
R: "Why not? If my nuts hurt, then my nuts hurt."
B: "One day, you're going to grow up and if you want to get married, you're going to have to stop talking like that."
R: "Well, maybe. But my nuts still hurt."
Rufus (just returning from his normal mid-dinner bathroom stop): "My nuts hurt when I pee."
Boudreax: "Don't say that."
R: "Why not? If my nuts hurt, then my nuts hurt."
B: "One day, you're going to grow up and if you want to get married, you're going to have to stop talking like that."
R: "Well, maybe. But my nuts still hurt."
Monday, July 17, 2006
It SPOKE TO ME
Welcome to the Age of Aquarius, young earth mother. Where no one wears undies, where we eat special brownies, and where psycho bunnies speak to us of the wonders of the magical world.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
9 AM at Our House: The 12-Step Program
Last night was not particularly peaceful, with little precious bundle screaming her head off from 5 AM until 6:30 AM, sleeping from 6:30-8, eating from 8-8:45, and then starting the screaming again.
Tired Milk-Wagon-Mama's solution?
Step 1: Give child to her father.
Step 2: Forage through the deep freeze, trying not to fall in head-first.
Step 3: Emerge with full pint of "Everything but the..." Ben and Jerry's.
Step 4: Promise one's self to eat only one 1/2-cup serving.
Step 5: Curiously examine the nutritional information, kindly provided a la our governmental regoooolatshuns.
Step 6: Say "Aw, to HELL WITH IT" and eat the whole thing.
Step 7: Ponder the Vallium-like effects of consuming 1240 calories, 120% of my daily fat, and 240% of my daily saturated fat in one 15-minute sitting.
Step 8: Post highly poetic confessional to family blog.
Steps 9-12: Ponder how long one must wait to do this again...
Tired Milk-Wagon-Mama's solution?
Step 1: Give child to her father.
Step 2: Forage through the deep freeze, trying not to fall in head-first.
Step 3: Emerge with full pint of "Everything but the..." Ben and Jerry's.
Step 4: Promise one's self to eat only one 1/2-cup serving.
Step 5: Curiously examine the nutritional information, kindly provided a la our governmental regoooolatshuns.
Step 6: Say "Aw, to HELL WITH IT" and eat the whole thing.
Step 7: Ponder the Vallium-like effects of consuming 1240 calories, 120% of my daily fat, and 240% of my daily saturated fat in one 15-minute sitting.
Step 8: Post highly poetic confessional to family blog.
Steps 9-12: Ponder how long one must wait to do this again...
6 AM at Our House
Notice the Babwa Wawa type fuzzy focus, as this was taken in light of the wee morning without a flash.
Jack-o-Lantern
Unlike his older brother, who waited for his teeth to literally be hanging by some flesh thread and sending his mother into horrified convulsions, Rufus just took it upon himself to yank the damned thing out (once it was loose enough to not be terribly painful). It's all about the bucks.
Taken as I Was Diving for Cover
$14 worth of fireworks...with the grand finale being a pile of used turtles, chickens, dookie worms, and sparklers being placed upon a full package of black cats.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Washer Woman
Typing one handed now. Scuse shorthand.
Report from last three days:
She woke up.
Hungry.
Like lumberjack.
Boobie fairy arrived.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Fussy.
Fussy.
into car seat.
Onto washer machine.
Sleep. Finally.
Binky 1: no good. No like. Spit out.
Binky 2: no good. No like. Spit out.
Binky 3: no good. No like. Spit out.
Binky 4: no good. No like. Spit out.
Call nusre. Advice.
First trip to germ-infested Target.
Binky 5: WORKS!
Angels sing.
Mom goes to sleep.
Night #5 much better.
Report from last three days:
She woke up.
Hungry.
Like lumberjack.
Boobie fairy arrived.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Fussy.
Fussy.
into car seat.
Onto washer machine.
Sleep. Finally.
Binky 1: no good. No like. Spit out.
Binky 2: no good. No like. Spit out.
Binky 3: no good. No like. Spit out.
Binky 4: no good. No like. Spit out.
Call nusre. Advice.
First trip to germ-infested Target.
Binky 5: WORKS!
Angels sing.
Mom goes to sleep.
Night #5 much better.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Pictures from the Hospital
Some people have dancing queens, some have flappers:
http://www.growingfamily.com/webnursery/babypage_view.asp?URLID=5B1G0S9T4L
Rufus and the Princess
Rufus: Train 'em up early. Train 'em up right.
Even a two-day old can learn from a boy with a bright red Kool-Ade mustachio.
Even a two-day old can learn from a boy with a bright red Kool-Ade mustachio.
Thank You, Fox News
And now, a little break from all the Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice, to get back to the reality of La Familia del Fatty y Bumpus. As I was laboring in a let's-not-discuss-it kind of pain, Fox News spent 2 or 3 hours (it's all a blur) hyping up a huge event: they dropped four Mentos into a 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke and it immediately exploded in guy-zer like fashun. So of course, what do us E-TX hillbillies do to celebrate the homecoming of our daughter? We run to the 7-11, get the supplies, and set off some diet fireworks of our own. Yes, it really worked.
She's Awake!
Actually, most of the time, she's asleep. She's a very peaceful little girl, now officially two days old. :)
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Biggest Brother
No, she's not crying. She was making faces. This was the first time that big brother got to hold little sister.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Wisdom of Rufus #61
Aunt Choc did the fat lady (that's me) the favor of coming to visit for two nights. This gave me something to look forward to and something else to concentrate on rather than sitting around whining about the feet in my ribcage. While she and I were chatting one evening, Rufus announced, "I know who loves me more than I love her!" I answered, "That's right! It's me. I love you more than you can love me." We had been having an argument about who loved the other more for some weeks. Aunt Choc looked a little perplexed, at which point Rufus explained:
"Mom can love me more than I love her because right now, she has two hearts, two souls, and two brains."
"She does?" replied Aunt Choc, "How come?"
"Because Hannah is inside her belly. She has two hearts, two souls, and two brains. Oh yeah, and she has two LOVE BOXES."
We did not ask any further questions.
"Mom can love me more than I love her because right now, she has two hearts, two souls, and two brains."
"She does?" replied Aunt Choc, "How come?"
"Because Hannah is inside her belly. She has two hearts, two souls, and two brains. Oh yeah, and she has two LOVE BOXES."
We did not ask any further questions.
Friday, May 26, 2006
The Wisdom of Rufus #57
Earlier this month, we went on the sibling tour of the hospital, so the boys could take comfort in where I will go to get my grand extraction and so that Bumpus could again wonder aloud what happened to the good ol' days, when the men got to go to the bar, watch football, and drink whilst awaiting arrivial of their loin fruit.
There we were, in front of the big glass nursery window, all the little girls and boys lined up on the steps that allow those-under-three-feet-tall to see the babies. All the parents with their backs against the opposite wall, watching said siblings and pondering the fact that OH MY GOD THIS MEANS I HAVE TO COME GET THIS THING OUT OF ME.
General quiet as children look into the window and parents watch.
Rufus, the only voice he knows, which is slightly quieter than a jet engine: "Is this where we get the fried chicken?"
General assortment of parents: Laughter.
Other small children: More silence, while staring in awe and wonder at the miracles of life thus contained within said window.
Rufus: "LOOK MAMA! Way in the back! They got a HAMSTER CAGE!"
Comment from laughing father somewhere in the crowd: "Oh lord, I hope his mother is getting this on video tape."
There we were, in front of the big glass nursery window, all the little girls and boys lined up on the steps that allow those-under-three-feet-tall to see the babies. All the parents with their backs against the opposite wall, watching said siblings and pondering the fact that OH MY GOD THIS MEANS I HAVE TO COME GET THIS THING OUT OF ME.
General quiet as children look into the window and parents watch.
Rufus, the only voice he knows, which is slightly quieter than a jet engine: "Is this where we get the fried chicken?"
General assortment of parents: Laughter.
Other small children: More silence, while staring in awe and wonder at the miracles of life thus contained within said window.
Rufus: "LOOK MAMA! Way in the back! They got a HAMSTER CAGE!"
Comment from laughing father somewhere in the crowd: "Oh lord, I hope his mother is getting this on video tape."
She of the Turkducken Speaks:
Updates from the Land of the Fertile
Warning to all Small Planets:
It Has Its Own Graveetashunul Pull
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.
The tapeworm, named "The Boy Who Lived" for his Darwinian ability to eat his siblings in an effort to promote his own survival, grew to be an inch long, developed some sort of genitalia, and then promptly died. It was plenty big enough to see its beady eyes staring at all lookers-on as if to say, "See what life is worth without a woman?"
All sweet wonderful people in life constantly ask me--sometimes on an hourly basis--how I feel. My latest response, "Like a giant Turkducken." This may be her nickname. Fits nicely with the others: please meet my lovely children, Boudreaux, Rufus, and Turducken. I swear someone stuffed a fully grown Butterball down my throat when I was asleep. She is all elbows and knees and is both plenty way up into my rib cage and bouncing gleefully on my bladder. Unless I lean back, I cannot sit on a hard surface without spreading my knees way apart in a way that my Mama taught me was just asking for trouble.
Maternity clothes suck. The ones that go over the belly end up giving one a camel toe (see previous posting), and the ones that sit under the belly constantly fall down, risking the chance of exposing the belly to unwitting passersby, like a drunken potbellied town nuisance. I wonder if they give out citations for this.
I am fully in waddle mode, especially at home. At work, I put all my physical effort into standing up straight and walking properly. This, along with hours spent sitting on my constantly broadening butt, means that by the evening I am exhausted and my back is hurting from the exertion. Therefore, the waddling is rather pronounced in the privacy of my own ass-eye-lum. This, of course, used to startle and concern Bumpus. But he has now gotten used to my swaying gate, as well as to my pajama pants falling down at random times (draw string failure).
The boys want nothing more than for me to get into the swimming pool with them. And yes, Mama, I have done it. I have squeezed my round belly into a swim suit and chunky dunked into that above-ground Wal-mart special several times. It ain't pretty but it gets all the weight off of my swollen ankles. Just be glad I'm not at the boatin' club, doing it in public.
Two days left of going into work...and then I will be free to sit in my pajamas, eat ice cream, and wait wait wait wait wait!
The Graduate
Boudreaux somehow escaped the whole "dress em up like adults and give em a blank sheet of paper with a ribbon around it" graduation fandango, both at the end of pre-k and at the end of kindergarten. So I wasn't all hyped up about Rufus donning the mortar board, thinking that some rousing rendition of "The Animals Come in Twosies" would be a plenty gay enough way of finishing his summa cum laude three years of prep school.
Of course, then the raging hormones kicked in and I cried like a little baby.
Look at that FINE FELLOW, with his high-and-tight Corps hair cut and his "I'm off to the corporate world" expression! Damn boy! Go out and get a JOB so you can send home some money to Mamma!
Of course, then the raging hormones kicked in and I cried like a little baby.
Look at that FINE FELLOW, with his high-and-tight Corps hair cut and his "I'm off to the corporate world" expression! Damn boy! Go out and get a JOB so you can send home some money to Mamma!
1-888-MAKE-BAIL
Every East Texus family needs a lawyer waiting in the wings, to help with those little problems in life...everything from traffic tickets to questionable behavior involving cats.
Boudreaux did us a fine, fine job prosecutin that damn trespasser Gold E. Locks. Despite the fact that the jury had a nice long nap during the proceedings, they still found in his favor and voted to send that little bimbo off to the hooscow.
Notice the tie. After the trial, Bumpus put that right back on his neck and headed off to work.
Boudreaux did us a fine, fine job prosecutin that damn trespasser Gold E. Locks. Despite the fact that the jury had a nice long nap during the proceedings, they still found in his favor and voted to send that little bimbo off to the hooscow.
Notice the tie. After the trial, Bumpus put that right back on his neck and headed off to work.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Wanna Play Doctor?
Thank you Aunt Carrie for the awesome Golden Beaver scrubs! Now we need to learn the Golden Beaver fight song...
The Latest Pet at Fatty's House
Just thought all you wildlife ee-fishy-nados out there might like to see what hatched at our house. Forget the Sea Monkeys of the liberated '70s. This here is called a "Triops," purchased at Hobby Lobby, picked right from the little temptation booth next to the check out, next to the white chocolate Reese's, the masking tape, and the glitter pens. Kit came with eggs, food, and directions for starting our own farm. Said that these guys hail all the way back to the age of the dinosaurs. That didn't surprise me...every body needs a good tapeworm.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
The Wisdom of Rufus #428
Rufus:
"I know how to say the pledge of allegiance."
Fatty:
"Oh really? Well, you go right ahead."
Rufus:
"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of George Bush!"
"I know how to say the pledge of allegiance."
Fatty:
"Oh really? Well, you go right ahead."
Rufus:
"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of George Bush!"
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
The Wisdom of Rufus #426, Parts A & B
Announced as we sat down to dinner this evening:
"We need less talking and more praying!"
Snapped two minutes later at his brother (who was, admittedly, pushing Rufus's buttons):
"Shut your dirty pie hole."
With varying degrees of hormonal influence, our family can turn on a dime!
"We need less talking and more praying!"
Snapped two minutes later at his brother (who was, admittedly, pushing Rufus's buttons):
"Shut your dirty pie hole."
With varying degrees of hormonal influence, our family can turn on a dime!
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Lucy sez it B time 2 jump ship 4 peace in TX
Lucy is in her bag, ready to roll .....
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
As U kan planely C, Lucy P. shares yo mama's need to escape and Go West. The Kaptin B pretty up-tite that we B leaving so the sooner the better. She sittin in her bag waitin for a zip up.
Yo Mama wishes she had a bag 2.
Future Pres/CEO of HJC Co as per her mother
would you buy a boat from this boat magnate?
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
Here she is, in her $100 mini skirt with tummy views. Enough said.
Yo Mama is headin UR way ASAP
Monday, April 24, 2006
Let the Fat Lady SING!
Ain't they precious?
Wisdom of Rufus #422:
(Yelled from the Rufus in center field over the to right fielder who was complaining about being bored and not fielding any balls during the inning...)
"It's not about getting a bunch of ball action! It's all about playing the game and having fun. That's the spirit of baseball!"
All that he needed to do was add "you stupid domp!" on the end, and I would have been super-ultra proud.
Wisdom of Rufus #422:
(Yelled from the Rufus in center field over the to right fielder who was complaining about being bored and not fielding any balls during the inning...)
"It's not about getting a bunch of ball action! It's all about playing the game and having fun. That's the spirit of baseball!"
All that he needed to do was add "you stupid domp!" on the end, and I would have been super-ultra proud.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
I wuz even gonna let him use my mug
It don't take a genius ....
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
Well it has hit the fan at this casa.
The Kaptin desided he wuz tired tired tired of solitaire and he wood play Yo Mama's privat game that I B hidin frum him and woodn let him C. Aint't that the s---s! N E Way, I done put Snood on his puter and got it free with my pass code and dialed up Easy-Children-Stage-1-Not-Hard. He went nuts, kaint make that little box go where it outta B, must be sumthin wrong with his puter cause it aint a Dell like mine.
Send help. Like meybe Jack? He dun taught The Kaptin to fish, meybe he cud give a few pointers bout this lil problem we got now.
All that and IRS Day at the same time, it jes B 2 much for one elderly woman.
Friday, April 14, 2006
Un huevo cada dia es muy bien
Things Ain't Always What They Seem
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.
Yo Mama's EG does not contain choc as a sweet gift to Yo Mama. It got sum-thin better, not my percoset but N-sted it B peppermint schnapps. U think the Kaptain will wunder bout my sudden luv of eggs?
Yo Mama jes passin on the news of today
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
See Why I Should Be Drinking Beer?
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Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Cameltoe Bunderpanties?
I just checked our site meter, and we were "discovered" through people doing the following searches...
"Cameltoe Bunderpanties"
"Bugger Eaters" (AUNT CHOC's POST CAME IN FIRST PLACE! YEE-HAW!)
"Toot a lot" (Is that a reference to you, Mama?)
"Chubby Mama"
"Pictures with no pants on" (YIKES!)
"Cameltoe Bunderpanties"
"Bugger Eaters" (AUNT CHOC's POST CAME IN FIRST PLACE! YEE-HAW!)
"Toot a lot" (Is that a reference to you, Mama?)
"Chubby Mama"
"Pictures with no pants on" (YIKES!)
Comments from the Incontinent Rednek
Food obsession for the week:
Watermelon
(Don't gasp...last week it was Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, so this is a major step forward.)
Latest Nickname for the Seamus, the New Cat:
"Hebbie," slang for "H.E.B.," since he has a Harry-ass Butt
Wisdom of Rufus #411:
(Screamed at me on the courthouse lawn as he was running by in a frenzy of egg collecting today...)
"MOTHER! THE CHOCOLATE INSIDE THE EGGS SYMBOLIZES GOD'S SWEET LOVE FOR YOU!"
Yes, he really calls me "Mother" instead of "Mama" right now. Yes, he used the word "symbolizes." Yes, other parents turned to beam at me with pride in my son's advanced brainwashing status. No, I did not yell "MIND YOUR OWN F'IN BA-HAI BUSINESS YE REDNEKS!" in response.
Dysoning Adventure for the Week:
Extracting 8 years of filth out of a Honda Accord, using that motorized hand-brush "Animal" thing in the process.
My neighbor came outside and said, "Awww...look at you with your late-pregnancy nesting instinct." Of course, she didn't understand when I muttered, "I'm just a Dysonite looking for something to suck."
Pet Peeve of the Week (and the coming weeks):
No one looks me in the eye when talking to me anymore. They look at my protruding fundus instead.
Honestly, on Monday FIVE people at my special school said good morning to me without looking at my face! I want to yell, "YES! WE DID IT AND WE DID IT A LOT!" but instead, I guess I will just feel like I know how Pamela Anderson feels, except with her, it's bodacious, inflated ta-ta's. Today at the Dollar Store, the lady who works there yelled (while looking me in the belly, not the eye), "How long have you been waddling like that? And why didn't I realize it sooner since you're in here all the time?" Good god, that was so much to address that I had a deer-in-the-headlights moment.
Hey Dolly Parton of the Sunshine State...did you stuff your bra for the party?
Hey Cat Crap...where's the dirt bag?
Watermelon
(Don't gasp...last week it was Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, so this is a major step forward.)
Latest Nickname for the Seamus, the New Cat:
"Hebbie," slang for "H.E.B.," since he has a Harry-ass Butt
Wisdom of Rufus #411:
(Screamed at me on the courthouse lawn as he was running by in a frenzy of egg collecting today...)
"MOTHER! THE CHOCOLATE INSIDE THE EGGS SYMBOLIZES GOD'S SWEET LOVE FOR YOU!"
Yes, he really calls me "Mother" instead of "Mama" right now. Yes, he used the word "symbolizes." Yes, other parents turned to beam at me with pride in my son's advanced brainwashing status. No, I did not yell "MIND YOUR OWN F'IN BA-HAI BUSINESS YE REDNEKS!" in response.
Dysoning Adventure for the Week:
Extracting 8 years of filth out of a Honda Accord, using that motorized hand-brush "Animal" thing in the process.
My neighbor came outside and said, "Awww...look at you with your late-pregnancy nesting instinct." Of course, she didn't understand when I muttered, "I'm just a Dysonite looking for something to suck."
Pet Peeve of the Week (and the coming weeks):
No one looks me in the eye when talking to me anymore. They look at my protruding fundus instead.
Honestly, on Monday FIVE people at my special school said good morning to me without looking at my face! I want to yell, "YES! WE DID IT AND WE DID IT A LOT!" but instead, I guess I will just feel like I know how Pamela Anderson feels, except with her, it's bodacious, inflated ta-ta's. Today at the Dollar Store, the lady who works there yelled (while looking me in the belly, not the eye), "How long have you been waddling like that? And why didn't I realize it sooner since you're in here all the time?" Good god, that was so much to address that I had a deer-in-the-headlights moment.
Hey Dolly Parton of the Sunshine State...did you stuff your bra for the party?
Hey Cat Crap...where's the dirt bag?
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