Damned Bonnet

Damned Bonnet
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Washer Woman

Washer Woman
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Typing one handed now. Scuse shorthand.
Report from last three days:

She woke up.
Hungry.
Like lumberjack.
Boobie fairy arrived.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Fussy.
Fussy.
into car seat.
Onto washer machine.
Sleep. Finally.
Binky 1: no good. No like. Spit out.
Binky 2: no good. No like. Spit out.
Binky 3: no good. No like. Spit out.
Binky 4: no good. No like. Spit out.
Call nusre. Advice.
First trip to germ-infested Target.
Binky 5: WORKS!
Angels sing.
Mom goes to sleep.

Night #5 much better.

Pictures from the Hospital

Some people have dancing queens, some have flappers:

http://www.growingfamily.com/webnursery/babypage_view.asp?URLID=5B1G0S9T4L

Rufus and the Princess

Rufus and the Princess
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Rufus: Train 'em up early. Train 'em up right.

Even a two-day old can learn from a boy with a bright red Kool-Ade mustachio.

Thank You, Fox News

Thank You, Fox News
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

And now, a little break from all the Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice, to get back to the reality of La Familia del Fatty y Bumpus. As I was laboring in a let's-not-discuss-it kind of pain, Fox News spent 2 or 3 hours (it's all a blur) hyping up a huge event: they dropped four Mentos into a 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke and it immediately exploded in guy-zer like fashun. So of course, what do us E-TX hillbillies do to celebrate the homecoming of our daughter? We run to the 7-11, get the supplies, and set off some diet fireworks of our own. Yes, it really worked.

She's Awake!

ICU
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Actually, most of the time, she's asleep. She's a very peaceful little girl, now officially two days old. :)

Biggest Brother

Biggest Brother
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

No, she's not crying. She was making faces. This was the first time that big brother got to hold little sister.

First of Many: Hannah & the Flapper Hat

First of Many: Hannah & the Flapper Hat
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Wisdom of Rufus #61

Aunt Choc did the fat lady (that's me) the favor of coming to visit for two nights. This gave me something to look forward to and something else to concentrate on rather than sitting around whining about the feet in my ribcage. While she and I were chatting one evening, Rufus announced, "I know who loves me more than I love her!" I answered, "That's right! It's me. I love you more than you can love me." We had been having an argument about who loved the other more for some weeks. Aunt Choc looked a little perplexed, at which point Rufus explained:

"Mom can love me more than I love her because right now, she has two hearts, two souls, and two brains."

"She does?" replied Aunt Choc, "How come?"

"Because Hannah is inside her belly. She has two hearts, two souls, and two brains. Oh yeah, and she has two LOVE BOXES."

We did not ask any further questions.

The Wisdom of Rufus #57

Earlier this month, we went on the sibling tour of the hospital, so the boys could take comfort in where I will go to get my grand extraction and so that Bumpus could again wonder aloud what happened to the good ol' days, when the men got to go to the bar, watch football, and drink whilst awaiting arrivial of their loin fruit.

There we were, in front of the big glass nursery window, all the little girls and boys lined up on the steps that allow those-under-three-feet-tall to see the babies. All the parents with their backs against the opposite wall, watching said siblings and pondering the fact that OH MY GOD THIS MEANS I HAVE TO COME GET THIS THING OUT OF ME.

General quiet as children look into the window and parents watch.

Rufus, the only voice he knows, which is slightly quieter than a jet engine: "Is this where we get the fried chicken?"

General assortment of parents: Laughter.

Other small children: More silence, while staring in awe and wonder at the miracles of life thus contained within said window.

Rufus: "LOOK MAMA! Way in the back! They got a HAMSTER CAGE!"

Comment from laughing father somewhere in the crowd: "Oh lord, I hope his mother is getting this on video tape."

She of the Turkducken Speaks:Updates from the Land of the Fertile

Warning to all Small Planets:
It Has Its Own Graveetashunul Pull
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Three weeks to go. I have saved up a lot of commentary, so get yourself a fresh dose of something al-kee-hollic and be proud that these details will live forever in the world of my public posterity.

The tapeworm, named "The Boy Who Lived" for his Darwinian ability to eat his siblings in an effort to promote his own survival, grew to be an inch long, developed some sort of genitalia, and then promptly died. It was plenty big enough to see its beady eyes staring at all lookers-on as if to say, "See what life is worth without a woman?"

All sweet wonderful people in life constantly ask me--sometimes on an hourly basis--how I feel. My latest response, "Like a giant Turkducken." This may be her nickname. Fits nicely with the others: please meet my lovely children, Boudreaux, Rufus, and Turducken. I swear someone stuffed a fully grown Butterball down my throat when I was asleep. She is all elbows and knees and is both plenty way up into my rib cage and bouncing gleefully on my bladder. Unless I lean back, I cannot sit on a hard surface without spreading my knees way apart in a way that my Mama taught me was just asking for trouble.

Maternity clothes suck. The ones that go over the belly end up giving one a camel toe (see previous posting), and the ones that sit under the belly constantly fall down, risking the chance of exposing the belly to unwitting passersby, like a drunken potbellied town nuisance. I wonder if they give out citations for this.

I am fully in waddle mode, especially at home. At work, I put all my physical effort into standing up straight and walking properly. This, along with hours spent sitting on my constantly broadening butt, means that by the evening I am exhausted and my back is hurting from the exertion. Therefore, the waddling is rather pronounced in the privacy of my own ass-eye-lum. This, of course, used to startle and concern Bumpus. But he has now gotten used to my swaying gate, as well as to my pajama pants falling down at random times (draw string failure).

The boys want nothing more than for me to get into the swimming pool with them. And yes, Mama, I have done it. I have squeezed my round belly into a swim suit and chunky dunked into that above-ground Wal-mart special several times. It ain't pretty but it gets all the weight off of my swollen ankles. Just be glad I'm not at the boatin' club, doing it in public.

Two days left of going into work...and then I will be free to sit in my pajamas, eat ice cream, and wait wait wait wait wait!

The Graduate

The Graduate
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Boudreaux somehow escaped the whole "dress em up like adults and give em a blank sheet of paper with a ribbon around it" graduation fandango, both at the end of pre-k and at the end of kindergarten. So I wasn't all hyped up about Rufus donning the mortar board, thinking that some rousing rendition of "The Animals Come in Twosies" would be a plenty gay enough way of finishing his summa cum laude three years of prep school.

Of course, then the raging hormones kicked in and I cried like a little baby.

Look at that FINE FELLOW, with his high-and-tight Corps hair cut and his "I'm off to the corporate world" expression! Damn boy! Go out and get a JOB so you can send home some money to Mamma!

1-888-MAKE-BAIL

1-888-MAKE-BAIL
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Every East Texus family needs a lawyer waiting in the wings, to help with those little problems in life...everything from traffic tickets to questionable behavior involving cats.

Boudreaux did us a fine, fine job prosecutin that damn trespasser Gold E. Locks. Despite the fact that the jury had a nice long nap during the proceedings, they still found in his favor and voted to send that little bimbo off to the hooscow.

Notice the tie. After the trial, Bumpus put that right back on his neck and headed off to work.

Outstanding in the Field

Outstanding in the Field
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

What is he screaming? God only knows.

Wanna Play Doctor?

Welcome to General Hospital
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Thank you Aunt Carrie for the awesome Golden Beaver scrubs! Now we need to learn the Golden Beaver fight song...

The Latest Pet at Fatty's House

Tapeworm...
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Just thought all you wildlife ee-fishy-nados out there might like to see what hatched at our house. Forget the Sea Monkeys of the liberated '70s. This here is called a "Triops," purchased at Hobby Lobby, picked right from the little temptation booth next to the check out, next to the white chocolate Reese's, the masking tape, and the glitter pens. Kit came with eggs, food, and directions for starting our own farm. Said that these guys hail all the way back to the age of the dinosaurs. That didn't surprise me...every body needs a good tapeworm.

The Wisdom of Rufus #428

Rufus:
"I know how to say the pledge of allegiance."

Fatty:
"Oh really? Well, you go right ahead."

Rufus:
"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of George Bush!"

The Wisdom of Rufus #426, Parts A & B

Announced as we sat down to dinner this evening:

"We need less talking and more praying!"

Snapped two minutes later at his brother (who was, admittedly, pushing Rufus's buttons):

"Shut your dirty pie hole."

With varying degrees of hormonal influence, our family can turn on a dime!

Lucy sez it B time 2 jump ship 4 peace in TX

Lucy is in her bag, ready to roll .....
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

As U kan planely C, Lucy P. shares yo mama's need to escape and Go West. The Kaptin B pretty up-tite that we B leaving so the sooner the better. She sittin in her bag waitin for a zip up.

Yo Mama wishes she had a bag 2.

Future Pres/CEO of HJC Co as per her mother

would you buy a boat from this boat magnate?
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Here she is, in her $100 mini skirt with tummy views. Enough said.

Yo Mama is headin UR way ASAP

Let the Fat Lady SING!

Players
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Ain't they precious?

Wisdom of Rufus #422:

(Yelled from the Rufus in center field over the to right fielder who was complaining about being bored and not fielding any balls during the inning...)

"It's not about getting a bunch of ball action! It's all about playing the game and having fun. That's the spirit of baseball!"

All that he needed to do was add "you stupid domp!" on the end, and I would have been super-ultra proud.

I wuz even gonna let him use my mug

It don't take a genius ....
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Well it has hit the fan at this casa.
The Kaptin desided he wuz tired tired tired of solitaire and he wood play Yo Mama's privat game that I B hidin frum him and woodn let him C. Aint't that the s---s! N E Way, I done put Snood on his puter and got it free with my pass code and dialed up Easy-Children-Stage-1-Not-Hard. He went nuts, kaint make that little box go where it outta B, must be sumthin wrong with his puter cause it aint a Dell like mine.

Send help. Like meybe Jack? He dun taught The Kaptin to fish, meybe he cud give a few pointers bout this lil problem we got now.

All that and IRS Day at the same time, it jes B 2 much for one elderly woman.

Un huevo cada dia es muy bien

Things Ain't Always What They Seem
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Yo Mama's EG does not contain choc as a sweet gift to Yo Mama. It got sum-thin better, not my percoset but N-sted it B peppermint schnapps. U think the Kaptain will wunder bout my sudden luv of eggs?

Yo Mama jes passin on the news of today

See Why I Should Be Drinking Beer?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Cameltoe Bunderpanties?

I just checked our site meter, and we were "discovered" through people doing the following searches...

"Cameltoe Bunderpanties"
"Bugger Eaters" (AUNT CHOC's POST CAME IN FIRST PLACE! YEE-HAW!)
"Toot a lot" (Is that a reference to you, Mama?)
"Chubby Mama"
"Pictures with no pants on" (YIKES!)

Comments from the Incontinent Rednek

Food obsession for the week:
Watermelon

(Don't gasp...last week it was Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, so this is a major step forward.)

Latest Nickname for the Seamus, the New Cat:
"Hebbie," slang for "H.E.B.," since he has a Harry-ass Butt

Wisdom of Rufus #411:
(Screamed at me on the courthouse lawn as he was running by in a frenzy of egg collecting today...)
"MOTHER! THE CHOCOLATE INSIDE THE EGGS SYMBOLIZES GOD'S SWEET LOVE FOR YOU!"

Yes, he really calls me "Mother" instead of "Mama" right now. Yes, he used the word "symbolizes." Yes, other parents turned to beam at me with pride in my son's advanced brainwashing status. No, I did not yell "MIND YOUR OWN F'IN BA-HAI BUSINESS YE REDNEKS!" in response.

Dysoning Adventure for the Week:
Extracting 8 years of filth out of a Honda Accord, using that motorized hand-brush "Animal" thing in the process.

My neighbor came outside and said, "Awww...look at you with your late-pregnancy nesting instinct." Of course, she didn't understand when I muttered, "I'm just a Dysonite looking for something to suck."

Pet Peeve of the Week (and the coming weeks):
No one looks me in the eye when talking to me anymore. They look at my protruding fundus instead.

Honestly, on Monday FIVE people at my special school said good morning to me without looking at my face! I want to yell, "YES! WE DID IT AND WE DID IT A LOT!" but instead, I guess I will just feel like I know how Pamela Anderson feels, except with her, it's bodacious, inflated ta-ta's. Today at the Dollar Store, the lady who works there yelled (while looking me in the belly, not the eye), "How long have you been waddling like that? And why didn't I realize it sooner since you're in here all the time?" Good god, that was so much to address that I had a deer-in-the-headlights moment.

Hey Dolly Parton of the Sunshine State...did you stuff your bra for the party?

Hey Cat Crap...where's the dirt bag?

East Texus Dyson Update

Monday:
Dyson arrived.
Total Dysoning Time: 30 minutes
Total Dirty Collected: 4 Cylinders

Tuesday:
First T-Ball Practice
Total Dysoning Time: 0 minutes

Wednesday:
Bidness Dinner with Bumpus
Total Dysoning Time: 0 minutes
Frustration Level: Elevated

Thursday:
Finally, A Fix!
Total Dysoning Time: 1 hour, 15 minutes
Total Dirty Collected: 3 Cylinders
New Skills:
Figured out the bare floor tool (set it for carpet so it doesn't suction itself to the floor).
Surprise of the Day:
Was stunned by how much hair and crusty crap collects where the carpets meet the base boards.
Momentary Struggle:
Sucked half my pajama pants up into the suction wand. Had to perform complex wrestling moves to get myself removed without turning off power.

Yes, I plan to obsess over this until the enormous amounts of sand stop flying forth from my carpet. It took four years to get into this condition...how many obsessive nights with Dyson will it take to come undone?

Reality Check: Remember, if I could drink beer, I probably wouldn't be doing this...

Himself, With Poorly Managed Coif(Don't ask)

Himself. And He Shall Be Called "Seamus"
(pronounced Shamus...because it's real close to "Shame on us")
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Kaptain in his little with big un behind

Kaptain in his little with big un behind
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Don't take much 2 keep him happie. Jes put him in 1 boat that fits on the bak of his other boat, lots of sunshine 'n a head that works and he is a happie man. Life is good 4 the Kaptain. This a.m. he ate philadelphia cream cheese mixed with real juicy chopped pimentos from a jar and six (6) pieces of bread, cut in half, makes 12. He is on a diet.

Yo Mama wunders what the diet is.

Check out the Dirty

Check out the Dirty
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

So first I vacuum the living room carpet with my old Eureka. Then I used my wonder-machine-greenie-weenie. And look what came up. About two cups of dirty and enough hair to crochet that fat lady on HeeHaw a bikini.

That's what four people, a slobberin' chuck roast, and three hairy cats will get you. Holy COW I love my new vacuum!!!!!

A Riddle

The Best Appliance Ever...Until I Get a 'Rita Machine
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

What's green, makes loud noises, swirls round and round, and makes Fatty very happy?

No, it's not a margarita machine. It's a vacuum, dammit.

This is my new Dyson, purchased at a very fine rate off of Overstock.com. When I checked out an extra 10% was taken off the price as well as free shipping, making the thing just about affordable. As my post above illustrates, this is probably the best household appliance I have ever done bought! Thank you President George W. Bush for that mighty fine tax return! Now please do something about the frickin' gas prices!

Fatty Gets Fattier and Fattier

Yes, She is in There
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Six months and no cold beer. This SUCKS! When I finally can drink, I may have an over-consumption issue. Of course, the good thing is that, after 9 long dry months, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet.

This picture is for you, Mama, and you, Aunt Choc...just to prove that the belly is really expanding. She is about 15 inches long and weighs a little over two pounds by now (that's the average, not particular to just her). My belly button has not poked out yet, but you know I will post the lovely news when that happens.

I have a little listening device thing that lets me hear her heart beat, and we can now feel little elbows and feet through my skin, as well as her back, head, and booty. The boys asked what she was wearing in there, and when I told them she is nekked, they both thought that was very funny.

Rufus says he's going to teach her everything he knows.

I is overcome by grief and wunderin

Yo Mama Has Taken to her Bed
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Oh Where, Oh Where have my girlies gone? Now that "the atmosphere here has changed" and I now have real good internet connect, I got nuthin new 2 look at. PLS send news that will keep Yo Mama up to date in the loop.

Yo Mama is lonely and homesickness

can this be too much of a good thing?

TMI perhaps
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Iffin the first kodak moment got ya rite in the heart, jes check out this un....Yo Mama has saved the heart shape sparkled glasses for prosperity in hopes Katie and Hannah mite want to put on a costume and go to the ball as Yo Mama. When Yo Mama has gotten lotsa praise and complements meybe she will move on with her life.

In the meantime, I'm thinkin blond again.

Let the Nesting Begin!

Fuzzy Head
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Thank you, Aunt Choc, for helping me understand that two needles is too dangerous fer a kuntry gal lahk me. Thanks to my 35 granny squares, I have gotten a bit of the hang of crocheting, and I made this infant cap for #3. The fuzzy yarn in the middle was my own creative touch, which reminded me of our favorite 14 year old.

See what two days of subfreezing weather in a state park will getchya?

It Wuz a Partie to Remeber

Oh Where Did The College Days Go !!
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

There she is, the Mama of the blond who showed up in the blog rite recent. The kaptain thot he was big stuff all dressed up like Kenny Rogers, even wore his ole bluejeans with a hole in 'em. He thot his hare looked kinda girlie but I tole him it was mitey fine. Wunder what Katie b thinkin bout my fancy handbag. Got some fancie eye glasses but note they ain't in this picture, will send it later. Gotta go to a fancy blacktie hoopla tonite and Kenny wants 2 wear his jeans and tie. Meybe we kan git thrown out, hopin so.

Yo Mama is alive and kickin

PTL!!!

The spirit is alive in us!

The Wisdom of Rufus #305

"Even though all the girls chase me at school, I know the fact:
No kisses from girls...I'm savin' 'em all for the WOMAN."

And yes, the woman is his mother!

PS to Aunt Choc: Somehow, blogger won't let me comment on your post below. But I have gotten several teary-eyed sessions of laughter out of that photo.

Go Chi-O

You Tell Jack That Aunt Choc is Proud of Him!!

When Jack is President of his Fraternity he needs to know that Chi-O's are much more fun that any of those other stuffy sorority girls!!!

Dear Mama...

Sometimes seeing into the future isn't such a lucky thing, but I have seen my future, and here is what I will be like, except I will have 17 cats and I'll be a lot fatter:

The Fruitcake Lady

Make sure to scroll down and watch the segments from Leno.

Did you notice that she lives in Florida?

Love,

Fatty

Perhaps I Need Some Medicine for That?

Aren't You Relieved????
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

I was innocently cleaning out the kitty butt box, while the young child watched a video about the solar system. Designed for three-to-five year olds it showed pictures of the planets and then put up the name of the planet on the screen and a disembodied voice said the word. For this child who entertained me on Friday by counting to 900 in increments of 30, it was a good 10-minute diversion.

Nothing is ever spoken from the mouth of Rufus. His normal level is loud yelling. Maybe this is what I get for living near a train track when he was born? Maybe this is just more evidence that he is the great-grandson of the HCS?

Five minutes of quiet so I could scoop the poop. That is all I had asked for.
Then the announcement came loudly from the living room.

"MAMA!"

"What?"

"GUESS WHAT?"

"What?"

"I SAW URANUS AND IT HAD A BIG RED RING AROUND IT!"

Clowns, Balloons, Butts, and Truckers

A week ago, on the rainy gloomy Saturday before the rainy gloomy Saturday that was yesterday, Rufus and Beaudreax were both invited to birthday parties (for 2 different childrens). So I spent the day hauling and shuttling, and trying to be a good socializer. The party that Rufus attended was first, and I was struck by, no matter how old the parents are (these were probably older than Bumpus and me by 5 years), you can always tell parents who are just learning how to put on small-child birthday parties. I don't say this with pride in my heart--I am no junior Martha for Tots--but you do pick up hints and tips from attending and putting on these 2-hour terror fests, and one can always tell when parents are on the beginning steps of that learning curve.

These kind, sweet parents had rented a 20X20 room at the local event center, which was plain and empty, very generically made for a variety of purposes, including meetings and traveling photographer setups. While all 7 four- and five-year olds were seated quietly in a half-circle in front of the table with the cake, a clown and her helper showed up. Rather than even say hello to the patiently waiting crowd, they just quietly took a seat in the corner and started painting the face of the birthday girl. The rest of us sat quietly and watched.

The Mom In Charge saw that this was a challenging situation (6 4- and 5-year olds sitting and watching in boredom), so she started handing out drinks. The choices: Coke, Dr. Pepper, and Sprite. Well, as you know, Rufus does not need any chemicals or man-made brews full of energy-producing sugar/caffeine combinations to be his normal enteraining self, so, although he loudly proclaimed that he would like a COKE THANK YOU, he received a Sprite, the best choice of the bunch. I opened it, and he began guzzling. (Yes, these drinks and the cookies and cake would gradually turn the room into a hellacious hall of chaos, littered with trash and inhabited by 7 ADHD monkies on crack.)

So next came the clown's helper, who was making his way around the room offering children a twisted balloon prize. The boy right before us got a sword, but as the helper approached Rufus, he had a large octopus in his hands. "Would you like this?" he kindly asked. The room was still quiet as the effects of the drugs had not yet kicked in. "No," answered Rufus, and the man went on to offer it to the next child. "Why didn't you want it?" I asked. And my angelic young gentleman-in-training turned to me so innocently, in that quiet room, on that quiet rainy day, with those well behaved children, and said, "Because what I really wanted was a...[now switch to the sound coming out of the wide-open mouth of a 300-pound truck driver who has just guzzled a Mickey's Malt Liquer and who, in a fruitless attempt to hide the top of his butt-crack back into his undersized jeans, hikes up his pants and burps with such force that it parts the hair of the topless dancer two tables over]...SWOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRDuh."

Yes, like his Southern Belle mother who can string the whole alphabet on one drag of Shiner, Rufus can burp-talk. And the silence of the rest in the room, as I almost fell out of my chair trying to keep a straight face, proved once again that he is going to be president of his fraternity.

Would TSTC culinary like a copy of this?

catsup sandwich with condiments
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

U no, Yo Mama tries HARD to please even mos dis-crim-n-atin tastes but sumhow it jes rarely cums up rite. Now this little offering was fixed as ordered, but GUESS WHAT! 2-much catsup. Wuz granted the golden opportunitie yestiddy to make ammends and did better. Can they fix this up at TSTC? Shore would like to send them some info and di-rections.

Cum see Yo Mama and I'll fix U 1 - 'n with it serve some WHOLE (no slices left over from peanut butter/pickle sandwishes) Mt. Olive Sweet Gerkins.

Final Post of the Day - meybe

Nothing wrong with clean underware
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

If youse relatives shud encounter the lady nown as "G" pls do not reveal that Yo Mama is a-drying unner-ware in the yard. I jes like my unner-ware dry and that machine in the hole-in-the-wall kills elastik and PTL, you gotta no that Yo Mama B needin elastik. Sides that, sunshine smells good and Yo Mama dont like smellin bad. Further more news, I do NOT care if the neibors no I wears underware. They jes have to git a grip, tend their own nittin N take me lik I am.
>
Think this B all 2-day. Gotta git to M-portant things like watchin las nite Idol rendition.

wuz a 2" scratch on right rear fence side

Ever day hold new sus-prizes
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Kaptain went Sunday to His Car Place cause hiz horn sounded gay and hiz head lite needed bulb and sides that, had a 2" scratch where SUMBODY encountered the fence on the way out. Came home with this lil number off the show room floor. Never did, he sed, like the color of that other one, inside or out, and sides that it had a 2" scratch and sides that had 37,000 miles and surely wuz en route to the big machine that flattens vehicles cause wuz not a good un. The point of th whole apple here is that Yo Mama gotta drive this baby to the south dock this affernoon and Woe B Unto N E Body who gets dust, rain or scratches on same.

Pray 4 Yo Mama

Do I look/act like a binocular robber?

WHERE ARE MY BINOCULARS ????
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Them men ben gone 1 hour and 13 minutes and I gits the first call - this one bout what have I dun with them fancy binoculars (that I bought, paid for, and gived as a present). N E comments more not needed, cause I don think I wood be astealing sumthin like that do you? PTL the speaker in this event is sum miles away and is water-bound.

Yo Mama is jes the ironin woman, sure not cat burglar

HALLELUJAH they has D-parted

Yo Mama has got 6 hours peace & quiet
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

The Day The Boat Goes is a drama that finely gits here after bout 4 days where nothin but trauma and anxiety takes over the house-hold. Kinda days thet U best jes git in UR room and shut the door so U dont gotta lissen 2 all the goins on. like: WHERE IS THAT BLACK CORD YOU WERE HOLDING. When U aint even seen a black cord, much less holdin it. The miracle of miracles the person who STOLE it put it in the kaptains lil ditty bag. The big D-part-ure was set in stone for 9:00 but them 5 elektroniks men wuz on the boat til 10:00 N the anxiety level was HIGH. It B mitey M-portant 2 git a switch on the upstares 2 turn off the tv downstares R sum such other fool-ish-ness. Sure glad them boat drivin men don gone left 4 the south wharf, Yo Mama B needin all day to calm herself down. Whew !!

An NO, the Christmas pants R not on the boat, they is here for SumBody to iron them rinkles out.

Wunder who the ironing person be?

Santa Claus is comin soon

the kaptain went computer shoppin again
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

The Kaptain got his new Lands End Catalog and dun desided he needed sum new fancy wear. Here is what we got now, 1 couch wide and 2 cushions long. The ma-terial is the kind that rinkles rite easy so we R N 4 sum fancy bitchin. Look kinda lik court jester costume rags to me, or meybe sumthin U kud wear to a Christmas costume funcshun. Whadda U think? Meybe the father-to-be or the president-n-office wood like sum for the kamp ground?

Yo Mama is waiting 2 hear frum U so she kan start her Dec. 25 shoppin.

Life is Good with my TABLE MATE

The Table Mate Queen


Hot Damn and Holy Tamales - Here I be just a sittin' pretty with my Table Mate. I just did return from the ole Sweetwater Country Club Whino Dinner where I did be a samplin MANY varieties of dat very fine alkeholic grape conncoction! And I sure did be a needin it after my LONG day with the 1st grade bugger eaters. I was sure a wishin fer my little nefhew Jack Small to be a helpin me to run the bugger eater class because I was a sure that he would have enjoyed the little first grade cutie with tatooes who liked to pole dance!! WHEW...... society has done gone to hell in a hand basket. Well, any way, that there whino dinner sure did a help me to ferget my troubles.... especially some limon after dinner apertife that was served in a shot glass and that made ya feel all warm and cozy inside. When that there waiter come around with the limon bottle fer second helping I was quick on the draw to stick my shot glass in his face. The only down side to the whole thing is that I ordered myself my own bottle of that ther limon majic, and it will be in my possession day after termorrow - just in time fer campin with the cuzins, but my sister done got herself knocked up and she cannot participate in any limon activities with me. Never feer, my good ole brother in law done reminded me that HE is not pregnant, so he is gettin his own shot glass ready for the occasion!

Any way, I best be getting myself ready fer bed since I get to be an 8th grade substertute tomorrow and I can't be arrivin at la escuela with a headache and limon on my breath.

I will keep you folks updated on my new drive me to drinkin career!

Our Going Home Dress

Our Going Home Dress
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Aunt Choc wins the prize for making two grown ups tear up at the same time with this little number. It's hard to see the smocking, stitch work, and little blue flowers on the front, but it is now and forever will be the dress for leaving the hospital and facing the world of a sleep deprived, crazed, un-showered, jiggly, hormonal, milk-shooting mama. God bless you, little one...get some peace now while there is still time.

Tuesday was the half-way point. We are on our way to the ugly moment in time when I realize, "Good GOD I have got the GET THIS THING OUT OF ME SOMEHOW and Bumpus will get arrested if he tries sneaking te-kill-yuh into the hospital!"

Of course, I look nothing cute like a little movie star with a "baby bump." I just look like a fat ass.

And Slippers to Match

And Slippers to Match
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Yes, here is proof of three facts:

1. I am hormonal.

2. It's the first of the month (still a little money to splurge).

3. Hannah will be a ballet dancer like her Mama and Mimi. She'll also be a deeee-lux crapper like her Aunt Choc. Thank you sweet sister for the dress and bonnet.

To Help Chubby Mama Exercise

To Help Chubby Mama Exercise
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Some tee-niny little shoes that a friend gave Hannah. These were her daughter's shoes and only fit for about a month...of course, this friend and her daughter are both petit little things and surely cannot finish a large Mexican plate like Hannah and I can. So I don't think these will ever fit in our family.

Meybe I jes kaint read N-E mor

Yo Mama is getting daffy in the hed
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

The Kaptain-of-the-world dun called few few minites ago and told me QUIK QUIK QUIK 2 go 2 the basket on the blue desk and git the key that sez:

17 FOOT NOUVARANIA

sence The Man was a-comin to git that boat in the drive-way and take it a-way 4 ever and ever. HURRY HURRY cause he meybe out there RITE now. So Yo Mama hobbles 2 the desk and goes thru all that junk and finded a key thet said 16 ft boat. Went outside N sure nuf man and woman a standin there. Did Not Fit Boat. R U surprised I was not. So 2 fone calls later and lotsa hollerin and carryin on, Yo Mama finded this lil number and guess what - it B the rite 1 cause it clearly sez 17 FOOT NOUVARANIA. Don't it?

Yo Mama lives in a world where muffins is biscuits and all sortsa things got names funny and unknown 2 me. Do U suppose Yo Mama is jez reachin the USELESS STAGE. Mite check with them 2 boys in Franklin and see if I B rite.

Yo Mama is tired.

Wantin ur recmends what should be dun

very fine valuable coaster ditty
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

The Kaptain have 2 these lil valuable dittys, guess sum-one speshal don did em 4 him b-4 I showed up. N E way, they be nittin yarn on plastic grate stuff and he thinks they B lookin dirty and need washin. Now, gotta no, he already done find sum scissors and got rid all the strings hanging off em and even cut off one corner. Gotta no that when they B cleaned and washed all tidy they mite jes come apart and then Yo Mama wood have no choice but to

THROW THEM AWAY.

Got N E idears 4 Yo Mama tonite?

Best served with melted butter

Chocolate with Chocolate Chips
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

YUM YUM YUM, COME AND GIT IT!! The new sensation is what the Kaptain done find at the local Publix Bakery, Choc Muffins with Choc Chips. Aunt Choc wood love jes lookin at 'em in person.
Yo Mama got up on The Foot this a.m. N jes slatherd them (2) with butter and the Kaptain done licked his chops, thout he had gone to heaven.

Sur is nise when the Kaptain is happy

Diets and Nutrition are Everything

The Kaptain went shopping again
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Here B sum very very valuable N-4-mation that I no U wanna C. Seems that it is very nutritious to B eatin muffins first thing N the mornin cause it gives U fiber in UR diet. And furthermore, if 1 nutritious muffin is good 4 U, then 2 of them babies is even better.

Yo Mama sez GOOD GOIN KAPTAIN

Lucy related to Buda, no likes washing off

Where is Aunt Choc when I need her?
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Lucy dun wondered what B-came of her friend Aunt Choc who let her have her way all the time. Sure did wish 4 her when Yo Mama desided to wash the doggie. The doggie did NOT want 2 git in the sink, sez all the familee cats wood unnerstand how she feels. But she gotta bath N E way and now B quite happy to be smellin better. Even got a cookie 4 her nise behavering.

Yo Mama is proud of the cookie girl.

Dun got me 1/2 new pair shoes & sum good pills

When Cat Crap arrived Yo Mama was flyin hi
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

When Cat Crap arrived at the scene of the New Foot she dun finded her mama N mitey fine cundition. Weren't no pain N E where and had a new shoe too. Yo Mama kept flying 4 a cupel of days. Made it all wurth it 2 get a new foot and Cat Crap too. Had 30 them pills, am hidin and hoardin bout 25 them things 2 save 4 when be emergency. Lik nex time the Kapain starts assertin his-self. U know?

Yo Mama is ready 4 lotsa emergencies.

Martha Stewart may try to steal Cat Crap from us

Cat Crap didn't miss a thing in the test kitchen
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Jes don no what we will do when the great Martha calls 4 Cat Crap. Here U C her testing my new trayler spagheti cooker, ever mindful of proper doings and nutrition, food culor and ten-der pastas. Cat Crap wants 2 B sur her Mama and the Kaptin will B eatin rite.

PTL for our family nutrition X-pert.

Never had better food service in my life

Cat Crap dun fed us well
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

That Cat Crap, she nose how 2 feed the hungry - jes lookit what she be fixin 4 Yo Mama, you kan see that Lucy lookin it all over cause she eats only the finest but this was 4 Yo Mama only and U kan even see the carmex awaitin 4 me to finish. God Bless C-C.

Yo Mama has not lost any lbs over all this event.

The Big Iguana got nastie

She helpt 2 D-fend the home from monsters
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Never saw that per-tic-u-ler iguana get so nastie B-4. Always it wood jes jump on in that river 2 git away from man and beast lucy, but when Cat Crap wuz here that nastie thing jes held its spot and swellt all up. Sum folks I here tell eat them things, say they tastes like chicken. Maybe thats why lucy-the-pig wants to catch 1 so bad.

Yo Mama duz not want to catch or eat.

Cat Crap came and she went

She went off and left Yo Mama !
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

We wuz a-doin so good, me and Cat Crap and the Kaptain and Miss Lucy, queen of the house, next thing Yo Mama nose, Cat Crap pack up her stuff and took off. Thought she wuz having fun, Poor Mama, left to fend for herself and keep on runnin the nursin home.

Thats how Yo Mama feels bout it all.

Trying Again:Hands, Feet, and a Space

Hands-Feet-and-a-Space
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Something to share...

Top picture: A leg with a foot with five little toes.

Middle picture: Looking down the changing table...

Bottom: A belly, an arm, a hand, and five little fingers waving.

These were taken last Monday, the 9th. She weighed about 1/2 a pound, the doctor said. Eighteen weeks down, twenty-two weeks to go.