Sunday, October 23, 2005

I Am Redy 4 The Comin Holler-day


Happy Birthday Jack 'O Lantern
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Yep, havin Halloween and Birthday on the same day R almost scary, so Yo Mama d-sided to pre-pare early this yr.
I jes kud-not d-side what 2 git the boy 4 his speshal day so I called him on the bell phone and we d-sided 2-gether what he needed more 'n enything. Now that B taken care of 'n I kin move on to tuther issue. For the halloween party I gonna greet my frends 'n nabors at the door an demo eating tree frogs. Mebe the word will git round the naborhood quick and them yung-uns wont kum here and Yo Mama kin eat all that junk kandy herself. The Kaptain don't eat junk food, he ain't no fun. He jes likes chocolate milk (fat free) and lil bits 'n pieces of nuthin. Wunder if tree frogs change color like lizards?

Yo Mama has a active mind and thinks bout important things all the time.

Welkom Home Fatty where talk is cheap


Only In the U.S. of A. kan U wear this
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Yo Mama is overjoyet that U 3 people B home agin. G-Lady seys U ain't been gone very long since U went round the world. I think U been gone, but not forgotten, 4-ever. Me and The Kaptain jes sittin here awaiting the storm that meybe ain't as bad as he thinks it mite be. We all boarded up cept the frunt door and at early meal 2-day with friends he tried to git sumbody to cum and screw in a board over the frunt door. I said NO WAY is n-e-body a-screwin me n-2 n-E house. So, we B going "UNPROTECTED" cept the Kaptain is now a-gonna drive his car cross the grass and rite up 2 the frunt door, jes hope I can entrance and exit at will. WHEW, sur will be glad when Wilda goes by, write me SOON and send some pics of the Big Trip. I B gittin awful bored sittin here in the dark.

Yo Mama awaitin 2 here frum U and URs

Saturday, October 22, 2005

We B Livin in a Dark Cave


Like the world ended cept us
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Wunder what the everbody else is adoin.
Suppose there still be cars and movies
and things like grocerie stores. This been goin on all week now, awaiting that hurry-cane to git off my Cancun and Isla Mujeres and leave 'em B. Fraid they mite never B the same. In the meantime the Captain and Yo Mama been jes sittin here a-sneezing and blowing with airplane illness and the tv B agoin saying nuthin but board up, buy gas, git water. I done all that. Now what do they want us 2 do. Mitey tired of sitting here. Dog is too.

Any ideas for Yo Mama? (no smarty answers allowed)

Kaint See Nuthin


Wunder what time it is
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Looks the same out the back door as the front one - all U kan C is tin that outta B on a roof sumwhere. I think we getting all grey in the skin 2. Wunder what the rest of the world B doin while we doing this.

Yo Mama jes lost all ambition cept eating, wanna kum on over?

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

SO ROUND, SO FIRM, SO FULLY PACKED


I WUZ THERE & SAW IT BORN
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

I wuz jes a standin there and lo and beholdt here cummed a lil pooper outta thet new fangled machine that cat crap dun bought on Ebay. Whatta miracle of life it wuz. We jes stood there in awe of what had transpired. Iffin you wanna see this miracle of birth 2, all U gotta do is get ur act together and acquire one-a these miracle machines.

UR Mama is atellin it like it wuz

LO THERE WUZ A RAW TAMALE AMONG US


Most Perfect Tamale 4 YOU
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

U Tamale Lovers jes gotta admire the work of art shown in this photo op. It B jest about the most perfect tamale ever created. I jes wunder who got 2 eat this-un. We done made 84 them little miracles. Cudda made more but jes couldn't wait n-e longer to git 2 eatin. Iffin U need more information on this deal jes call or email cat crap and she'll lay it on U.

Yo Mama is so proud to have been there 4 the inaugural presentation, wished 4 you all 2 join us.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Here She Is!!!!!


Alley Reeser


Thanks to the discriminating policies of a certain airline, Mimi and Hal were unable to take home this little bundle of fur. Fortunately we have a very understanding and accomodating Daddy at our house and, after he made me slice open my finger and write "This is the last cat" on the wall in blood 100 times, we became the lucky family of this sweet little baby we have named "Alley" (as in Alley Cat since that is where we found her). She has been to see the vet and had her toes severed and her female organs yanked out and now she another happy feline in the Reeser home.

I AM WAITING ON PHOTOS OF THE CAT
AND THE IN-OG-RALL TAMALE FEST.

Overheard at the 7:45 Warm Up Session

After a careful dribble and slammin' big kick, the ball Rufus kicked rolled right in between the goalie's feet and into the net. At which point, Rufus turned to the sideline full of parents, cupped his mouth for extra effect, spotted my smiling face, and screamed "MAMA! DID YOU SEE! I JUST KICKED IT RIGHT UNDER THE GOALIE'S PRIVATES!"

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

A House is Not a Home Without a Cat

Although most of us realize that this is the TRUTH, some in the family had yet to embrace a warm and fuzzy creature feline creature of their own. That is, until tonight when, while visiting us for dinner, they came to be acquainted with a small calico kitten that apparantly has been abandoned in the alley (with its three brothers/sisters). Last seen, these family members (who will remain unidentified for their own protection) were headed back to their little casita with litter box and baggie of food in hand to introduce "Sweety" (aka Eula Mae) to her sister "Lucy". We are all waiting with baited breath to see if Lucy will accept Sweety into the household and therefore allow her to share her flowered traveling pouch for the plane trip back to Florida.

Pictures to follow tomorrow.........

Seek and Ye Shall Find

http://www.heptune.com/farts.html


Reactions:


1. THANK GOD someone has finally starting answering all my questions on this topic.
2. Do people REALLY THINK that their butt cheeks flap together?
3. I am afraid to watch the video.
4. My favorite question was "Why is it that when you scratch your ass through two layers of clothing (your underwear and your jeans) your fingers still stink?"
5. My biggest fart question of all time, about the shower, has been answered
6. Someone DOES make charcoal panties! (But fartypants.com would not open on my computer.)
7. I am so relieved that another adult finds humor in the topic and has set out to educate people like me.

Friday, September 30, 2005

And Bahai said....."It is Done".......

Thank you all you Bahai followers out there for phoning in your advice with regards to the pressing matters at hand in this world. You may now start compiling your list of requested flavors.

The Tamale Queen

Thursday, September 29, 2005

GIVE ME SOME OF DEM DER VITAMINS!!!

Lo and behold, the Kapitan (aka the PO) has arrived in Sweetwater with a BIG ole smile on his face and he just can't stop grinnin! He be a'talkin real slow and sweet and smilin all da while with not a hint of anxiety or impatience to be found! HE IS A NEW MAN!!! All I can say is - GIVE ME SOME OF DEM DER VITAMINS - I WANT TO BE A SMILIN' AND A GRINNIN' TOO!!!

4 & 5 Year Old Soccer League:
Seven Rules for Trash Talk

1. Trash talking is only between consenting adults.

2. Not sure if your target for trash will consent? Attempt at your own risk.

3. No trash talk from people under 15 years old.

4. Trash talking is allowed before the game, without restraint as long as rule #1 above is met.

5. No trash talking after the game, especially if your child's team beat my child's team.

6. All trash talking must cease if alcoholic beverages are in the vicinity, although inner dialogue trash talk (henceforth referred to as IDTT) may proceed without restraint if, during consumption of said beverages, I proceed to beat your ass at dominoes (including 42, Train, nickles, or greenie weenie).

7. Those who are predisposed to large amounts of trash talking may be better served by keeping that trash talking as an IDTT to herself, because long-term trash talking is likely to either void any unspoken contract made in the establishment of rule #1 OR may serve as perfect propellant for when karma turns around to bite herself in the ass.

And Lo, I Saw the Truth

Today, I have had a revelation. I am Witch Hazel. Witch Hazel am I.

Looking in the mirror has always been a strange fee-nom-er-non for me. I never look like what I think I look like. Some days I am surprised that the old bag in the glass is doing okay, and sometimes I think "who the hell is that person"? This is not exactly an identity crisis, which I associate instead with a chronic case of indecision. No, I know exactly who I am and what I believe and if I could just get me and my boss on a plane to Japan, then I could get trashed on Socky and tell him all about it with lots of hand gestures.

No, I have just determined that if my spirit were to have a physical form for illustration, then this is what it would look like. And act like.

No, Mama, this is not to say that I think somehow I've inhereted the genes of a small-footed, facially follically challenged, bloomer wearing hag. In fact, I bet Witch Hazel makes some damn fine tamales!

Hey Sis-Ta......You'd better be a-hiden from those there CIA Agents you work with - Your past is a'catchin up with Ya

Hot Tamales and Pass the Mustard - Those back kicks you did on the coffee table done made it to Broadway!!!!!!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20050928/people_nm/arts_cash_dc

TOP TEN REASONS TO HAVE THAT THERE WIRE RE-INSERTED INTO YOUR FALL-O-PEE-ON TOOBS

1. You will have your own life back a hell of a lot sooner.
2. You don't have to go to middle school dances and watch the little darlings have sex with their clothes on.
3. You don't have to hire an attorney in order to battle your teenager.
4. The neighbors won't have to call the health department because your child leaves dirty kleenex ALL OVER THE HOUSE.
5. You won't have to chop up poop so that it fits down the toilet hole.
6. You no longer have to buy pop-tarts.
7. You will save a lot of money because you won't have to shovel out $50.00 for middle school annuals and $75.00 for school pictures ALL IN THE SAME WEEK.
8. You can finish a sentence without someone arguing with you.
9. You can cook something edible besides canned green beans and ramen noodles.

and....

10. cause maybe, must maybe, you can do something YOU WANT TO instead of loading and reloading the dishwasher every 5 minutes.

TO TAMALE OR NOT TO TAMALE, THAT IS THE QUESTION......

The pressure is on..........what do I do??????? Visions of chorizo and potato tamales float in my head, drowning my senses and overcoming my better judgement. ...... black bean tamales provoke promises of singed nose hairs from the terrific farts that would result from the 30-50 tamales per hour (not to mention that the re-load time on the tamale pooper is only 2 minutes) that the tamale pooper could emit......... I can't sleep, I can't eat (except for Blue Bell and chocolate chip cookies and soy chips and bean dip and of course Jagermeister), I can't concentrate.......if I flunk out of skool the last semester will the professors give me an "I" if I plead "tamale insanity"??????? I am afeered of leaving the ebay site so I am sittin here in my adult diapers waiting for the final bell to ring....... my only source of support is leaving the kuntry soon.....if I send some tamales with her would them boys in skirts want to buy them???????

HELP I NEED HELP I NEED HELP (OR AT LEAST ANOTHER BOTTLE OF JAGERMEISTER)!!!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

BR549

WHERE O WHERE, Are you Cat Crap?
Why have you left the blog all a-lone?
I've sat here on m'fat ass
Waiting fer sumpthin' funny.
But you've gone a missin'
Are ya stuck on the throne?

Thursday, September 15, 2005

That Giant Sucking Sound...


Chest
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.
...is the airless vacuum between my ears after a long week of working at the special school. But that's okay, because those of us still imprinting important information on our brain cells are busy learning important strategies in life, like RESPECT THE QUEEN.


So Bumpus and Boudreaux have a little chess habit, usually on weekend afternoons. The problem is that Bumpus has to really try to win, and Boudreaux has, on more than one occasion, used a bait-and-switch tactic in order to beat the pants off of his father, who is left standing with a mixed look on his face, including pride, shock, and the kind of humility you get as dessert after being mentally spanked by a seven year old.


Of course, anything that the seven year old wants to do, the four year old wants to do to, so Boudreaux is teaching Rufus how to play the noble game. Which is the background to why Rufus announced in the car to me the other day, "Mama, there's nothing I love more than playing chest." He is his Daddy's boy.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Martha Done Gone to the Dogs....

If anybody out there in tv land tuned in to see Martha's new show yesterday, I am just a'wonderin WHAT IN THE WORLD HAS COME OVER MARTHA???? She be given all her staff ankle bracelets as a joke, she be thrown spaghetti noodles at the refrigerator, she be wearing a faux fur cooking apron and she be visiting people in their homes just like ole' Oprah just to do before she got so skinny and big-headed. She even be making conversations about how she learned how to play cards real good in that there prison in which she was in-car-ceer-ated. Martha has done had a personality makeover and she now tryin to be a comedian. Can't wait to tune in today and see all them audience members wearing ponchos like the one she knitted and then wore on her release day from the big house. What will she think of next?

I'm just Dazed and Confused 'bout all these people who keep a changin their personalities.

A Helpful Hint From Someone Who Learned the Hard Way!

Next time you cyber-bloggers decide you are going to clean out the ole' refrigerator while your husband is out of town eating lavish meals courtesy of the State of Texas, I recommend that you do NOT eat (at one sitting) that HUGE bowl of cauliflower and broccoli that you steamed several days ago and which has since been sitting in your frig fermenting. That is unless you first make a special trip to Wally World and buy the economy box of cherry flavored Gas-Ex and be prepared to eat the whole box over the course of a couple of hours (with not much effect). It certainly makes for a restless and noisy night.

Just a Word of Advice From Someone Who Knows

Monday, September 12, 2005

The New Mama


Mama has put her clothes on
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Yo Mama is most apologetic to whomever she o-fended by swimming in the buff on the blog. I always thought my body was b-u-t-ful until sumbody thot not.
So frum now on I just be a-showin up with my swimsuit on.

Do U recognize Yo Mama now?

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Notice soft clear buttinsky

PHOTO REMOVED TO PROTECT THE EYES OF UNDERAGE CHILDREN


hope ya don't recognize yo mama

Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Jes wanted to follow up my comment on the last entry, I done took care of the problem and I hope U don't recognize Yo Mama, I did cover up my face so none of them ladies of the social register B able to recognize Yo Mama. Butt as U kan easely C, there ain't no black hair on my butt N E more. So much for that.

Aint U gotta smart Mama

What Wood U Do?

Yo Mama got a very personal problem and need sum ad-vise.
By relly strange co-n-si-dence I diskovered a long black
hare a growing on my back cheek where the sun don B shinin.
Now, the big problem B that I kaint see bak there. I kin
go N the privacy of my beauty room and git my lil small
mirror and kinda C it a stickin out. (aint got no Carmex
on it neither). It B a-hanging up on my lingerie when it
go up and down and I gotta git rid of it. I asked Lucy the
dog wood she hep and she sed no, she out lookin 4 electric
wires to chew off and cunsume like cuzin Pot Roast. I jes
dont be no-N no folks hear to trust with this breakthrew of
news. Sur do hate to save it 4 Dr. L in Waco, I don't think
he do hare removal. Cat-crap what do U think, U think he mite
like to add this to his diploma-show on the wall.

N E body got N E ideas 4 Yo Mama?

BET U WISHIN U HAD THIS, FATTY


FOR SALE OR RENT
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Yo Mama a-comin 2 the rescue. The Kaptain has this wire OCD and whenever he wanna plug N-E-thing in on the boat he duz cut it jez exactly the rite length so it look neat and tidy. Now N the house it B different, I B thinkin meybe he storin lots extry wire around the house for all to see N chew on and admire. N E way, we got this luvely little item available, U kin rent it R buy it. Jez let Yo Mama no and I'll send it on.

Yo Mama standin by with a box, tape and stamps, Fatty.

Friday, September 09, 2005

The Short Happy Life of Brain Cells #10, 9, and 8


The Short Happy Life of Brain Cells #10, 9, and 8
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

So Bumpus was doing a little squat and gobble when he heard one of the "yelp-bark" combos issue forth from the jaws of the Fish-lipped Spawn of Satan known as Lord Nelson the Evergassy, who was in the next room at the time. Bumpus couldn't just jump and run, seeing as how he was in-dee-sposed, so as he sat pondering the noise, he was again surprised to hear a low, gutteral growl, another short bark, and then a commotion. Nature's processes came to their celebrated conclusion and upon entering the room where Id was located, Bumpus found the dog sitting with the above pictured item hanging out of his mouth and a dazed look on his face.

Prior to that moment, this item had been the end of the extension cord that had allowed my bed-side lamp to be plugged in. The cord's only sin was being located next to the part of the wall that the dog likes to obsessively lick when no one is paying attention.

Does electro-shock therapy work on pets? My guess is that yes, it would, if the pet in question had any grey matter to rearrange.

As a side note...what happened to Cells #15-11? Those were poisoned when the Id decided to chomp a big hole in a brand new bottle of Family Style Off Mosquito Repellant just two nights prior.

Chuck Roast, In Repose

It's very difficult to see, but just barely to the right of the center table foot is a good-sized black spider. The Ham del Beelzebub tried for a good 10 minutes to (1) stick his face between the table legs but it did not fit, (2) paw at the spider, and (3) stretch his ginormous tongue around the table foot to kiss the cutesy pootsy hairy legged bag o' venom.

Like sands through the hour glass, I've been keeping rough count, and The Roast is now down into the single digits of brain cell ownership. Why do you ask? That entry will follow shortly.

There's a Chicken in the Bat Cave


Sunday, September 04, 2005

I wished 4 my camera ....

The Kaptain and Yo Mama went to a very fine local nite
spot for a bite last evenin and I was a sittin there jez
mindin my on business when the gal in the booth behint
me got up and stretched and sauntered slowly by me. I
think she really was a-lookin at The Kaptain with immoral
thoughts. N-E ways she was awearin stiletto hooker shoes,
very, very tite blue jeans, the kind that kinda jest hang
off your butt crack. She had long, fluffy dark red hair
and her face looket like she be wishing she wuz 18 or 21 or
meybe even 29. Then ... the hilite of the whole demo was
her shirt. It was black, had tiny lil fake diamond straps,
no bra, 'n on the back awritten in more diamonds was the
followin: "make it hard and ride it long". I asket The
Kaptain iffin he thot it mite be a Harley they wuz atalkin
bout and he said he didn't much think so.

Yo Mama wants 2 know what that mite-meant.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Lucy's Xmas Present: Fetch These

I think we have found a very val-you-ble web site.


ITCHY BALD TESTICLES

Second Recipe of the Day

And when you reach the point where the ole' checker at the package store starts getting the bottle ready when he sees your car pull up, you can jest brew your own likker in the privacy of yer own kichen:


1 cup light corn syrup
1 cup sugar
1 pint vodka
2 teaspoons peppermint extract
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

In a small saucepan, combine corn syrup and sugar; bring to a boil, stirring until sugar dissolved. Remove from heat and cool to lukewarm, about 20 minutes. Stir in vodka and extracts. Color if desired. Pour into sterilized bottles leaving 1/2-inch headspace. Tightly cap and store in a cool, dark place.To make Almond Liqueur, substitute 5 teaspoons almond extract for the peppermint extract.

Packaging Suggestions: Pour the liqueur into an attractive clear bottle or a decanter. Decorate the lid with metallic cord, ribbon, bows, bells or a bright tree ornament. For a more festive touch, Peppermint Schnapps can be colored with green food color. Almond Liqueur can be colored with yellow food color with a speck of red to create an amber color. The entire bottle can be slipped into a decorative gift bag or wrapped in a sheet of cellophane brought to the top of the bottle, crushed together, and tied with ribbon. Trim with a candy cane!

Recipe of the Day

Ferget the breadmachine - toss out the crockpot and get down to the important stuff in life! Maybe Martha would like to have a show on making schnapps and invite the dysFUNctional family to help her in the kitchen!

http://www.danish-schnapps-recipes.com/index.html

Quick! It's Buy Two Get One FREE

http://www.prankplace.com/fart.htm?kbid=1103&sub=fartmachine


GIRLS WITH BIG PUSSES

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

It's the Simple Things in Life
That Entertain Me

You lee-juns of fans out there may think that I am a high maintenance big-haired Dallasite who is just sullenly stuck in the lab-rinth of East Texus, prancing around in my weddin dress and ordering folks to do my biddin, threatnin em with the fire and brimstone of my oversized spatula, but no. It's really the simple things in life that get me: a peaceful morning praying to St. Mattress, cheap te-keel-ya, chunky dunkin in Fatty Jr's pool, and gettin a new bridge for my upper bicuspids. Watching the devil dog get bee-rated by the fat pussy, hearing stories of fishin camp adventures from My Yo Mama, and trading recipes and hints for how to sneak a snort in the pantry with my perty sis, Cat Crap. Scaring the crud out of Bumpus with my late night she-nanner-gins and painting pictures with no pants on.


And what gives me daily enter-tane-munt as of late is taking a look at the site meter which tracks how visitors find our happy little corner of cybercrap. Here's a list of the best recent searches people have used that called up the family blog as a first-page result, using either msn.com or search.yahoo.com:


TOE KNEE CHEST NUT

This search is done a lot, thanks to those underpaid elementary school music teachers who just want the words to a wee-singer classic. Are you out there, GT Hag?


PICTURES OF DANGERUS DOGS

That was probably some red neck who was wanting an illustration next to their fence sign. Thanks to Yo Mama and her spelling challengs, we were 8th on the list.


WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER

We came it at #1, thanks to the photo Yo Mama provided of the foul gams.


DYSFUNCTIONAL MOTHER

Apparently, it's a popular search. We come in at #3, right after recovery-now.org and Mother Goose and Grimm. Do you think dropping by our site gives em any peace?


GIRLS WITH BIG PUSSES

We are a sadder #24 out of about 177,000 on this search. I know that I just broke my own rule because it's not on the first page, but I thought that maybe saying GIRLS WITH BIG PUSSES GIRLS WITH BIG PUSSES GIRLS WITH BIG PUSSES a few times might move us up on the list.


MAKE A DOG PUKE

We are number two on this results list, and at least three people have entered this search before. Do we have an underground doggie bulemia epidemic in the US?


There were also a couple of searches using the word NEKID which I argue should be spelled NEKKID but we don't show up in the first few pages, so I stopped looking, although I was glad to see the top result read something like this, "Necked Women: Shop eBay for anything and everything". They obviously changed the spelling yet again, which is wrong because that would be said as "neck'd" not NECK-ID.


Just like the Devil Dog with his balls:

It's good to be easily amused.

Yo Mama Finded 'Em ALL BY SELF


Orchids from the wild woods
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

My gran finale post of the day, jes lookin bak thru my pictures of portance and saw thissun. Them orchids looked lot better bak then than they do 2-day so sending an old photo stead of new one. Meybe I kin make a cor-sage to wear nex month when I fly over N.O. and cum ur way.

Yo Mama new U B proud of thissun.

Behind Trash is our New Trayler


One Very Fine OCD Trayler
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Jes don't no many folks got 4 boat traylers in yard and only 2 boats 2 fill 'em up. Only got 2 them boats n the yard, 2 more bigguns in the water out yonder. This B the one we purchased mornin after that last storm when everbody wuz supposed 2 B off the streets but we so dumb we aint a-knowing them facts. Cud be we aint got no battery radio or sumthin 2 lern with.

Suppose this be OCD stuff?

Think I be takin sum them vitamins like that woman in Boulder who wanted to be ADD so she took her husbands pills and proved she be ADD too.

This EZ LOADER trayler NOT 4 sale, it is a keeper. Jes ask Yo Mama's PO and he B telling you those facts R true.

acookin with U in mind


Cuzen YAP-YAP DOIN WHAT HE DUZ BEST
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Meet cuzen Yap Yap, he best cook in those Exuma Islands, find him asitting and asinging and adancing at a lil plase called Little Ship Channel Cay. When U threw aeating his good whatever he dances round with cookies aswimmin in M&M candy. Dont no what his luncheon recipes are, think he aint got none, jes what swims into the nets or washes up ashore. He got it made in the shade, life B simple, needs few, PO dont no where he is, folks cum to visit, pay to eat, then Go Away and leave him in peace and quiet with them birds and the sunset. Iffin U need Yap Yap to cater ur next affair, jest lemme no.

Yo Mama got his phone number handy

Five Swimmin Pigs


Five Swimmin Pigs
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

I B thinkin Yo Mama done forgot 2 send U this lovely. Them babies thout I wuz their mama 'n iffin I keep addin them carbs I B lookin more like 'em ever day.

Aint Yo Mama cute in thisson?

Skered 2 Re-veal his I-den-tity


Bionic Man 2 Remain Un-named
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Yo Mama 4-got 2 sent ya this lil ditty. It B the Bionic Man who did this ever morn while I was a-washing the Kaptains breakfast dishes. This buddy is a-taking his testosterone mucho serious. Wudn't U be skered to run n-2 him any place if he wuz mad 'n a-runnin off at the mouth. I B thinkin mite outta send him sum special vitamins, take 1 ever day whether he b-needing 2 or not, else adios. His wife wood preciate the gesture I B sure.

Yo Mama wunder how many she ought send him.

Lucy IS A BROWN DOG


Lucy IS A BROWN DOG
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Cuzen Emily get the award 4 the day! Miss Lucy has her Christmas list redy n cast n-e-body but Yo Mama is startin that annual chore. She B wantin a Sugar Glider all her own, jes look at Miss Emily's website n U be di-rected 2 a place 2 buy what U wanna give Lucy 4 Christmas: Sum choices B biting repellant, harness/leash, odor eliminator, teepee, nail trimmer, pouches 'n what Lucy relly want is a buddy bag to put that buddy in so she can hang it round her neck. When U mak ur choice let Yo Mama no as she be keeping the gift register list here on her puter.

Call or email Yo Mama with ur choices.
Nothin 2 good 4 Lucy.

P.S. Wunder if thet odor eliminator B n-e good 4 cat-craps gas problem.

A Free Vacation Could Be Yours!!

Today I started my LAST semester of classes (unless I decide to go back to bartending school which is always a possibility since i DID finish first in my class the first time). I thought all my dysFUNctional friends would like to know that one of my classes is on PENOLGY. Now, I DIDN'T say PENIS-OLOGY - this is an entirely different subject..... No, this class is a study of the Prison system. I be thinkin that if I find out that our local cement block facility be servin three squares a day, free cable tv, nap time and arts and crafts classes, I might just be headin over to the local convenience store where I could be wavin around some threatin object (perhaps my cat's dirty litter box) and then I would qualify for a FREE vacation. Now, I just be wonderin - if I find out that heaven is just a crime away, would any of my dysFUNctional friends like to be joinin me on a little haitus from everyday life? It would be great if we could all just go up the river together and share a suite and then we wouldn't have to be a worryin about Thelma snuggling up to us while we be watchin Big Brother on our personal 42" widescreen plasma tvs.

Let me be knowin what you be thinkin about this idea. If we just wait a few weeks, then the Kapitan will be so happy that he won't even notice that Yo Mama is not in attendance as his personal slave.

Monday, August 29, 2005

The Fountain of Youth (or at least a sure-fire to ferget you are getting older by the minute)

Hells bells, I have discovered the fountain of youth - Peppermint Schnapps! It is the perfect drink. It only costs $11.25 for a big ole' bottle. You stick it in your freezer, back behind all those brussel sprouts and endame beans, 'cause NOBODY will be movin those items. Then when your house is full of puking preteens, bitchy teens, and gee-tar playing old men, you just sneak into the ole' freezer and pour yerself just a little snort. It looks like water and it freshens ure breath, all at the same time! Golly, for all I know it also whitens my teeth and keeps me regular! Ferget all that Crystal light fuzzy peach stuff, this is the REAL MCCOY!!! And the best part is you only need a little sip so you don't end up all bloated with a headache the next morning.

See'in how the Kocureks called and invited themselves to come spend the night this weekend, you can be shore that I'll be a makin a run to the neighborhood package store in my anonymous econo-box car tomorow. I might even expand my horizons and try some new flavers. Why, if I'm not wrong, my shoulder is even showin some improvement thanks to this newly discovered magic water. Try some today and be shore to let me know if you don't feel yunger yurself!!

It's a Damn-Skippy-Fine Day
When I Reach My Quota by 8:05 AM

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/northamptonshire/4194098.stm


We'll be signing Rufus up for this esc-ooooooooooo-ela.

PUKE - Part 2

Tonight as I be putting on the clean dust ruffle, mattress pad, sheets and comforter after my late night carpet cleaning session, I made the offhand remark that "Well, looks like the carpet may still have a slight pink stain to it - aren't we glad that we didn't let it sit for a few days so it could dry up", to which I received the reply (with a straight face) "Well, I think that letting it dry and then vacuuming it up would have worked very well". This from the same man who attempted to give the still sick child grape soda with his dinner since we were out of Sprite. When I pointed out that grape soda stains might coordinate nicely with the tomato/strawberry stains a light did go on inside that great cavern between his ears. I then got in the car and went and got Sprite.

Gig 'Em Again

GO KAPTAIN - YOU SHOW 'EM!

My PO is a-rising up 2 th occasion, he gonna show
'em who be the boss of the world. He had me on this
computer for over an hour a-trying to find somethin
out that he thinks he need 2 B a-no-N and when I failed
the test (one more time) he B decidin to call this fancy
phone number 1-800-REMOTE. But, U gotta relize,
he don't need remote information, he B needin some
info bout a Sony satellite receiver. So the nize man at
the REMOTE place give him a new very fine, sure 2
pleaze number and he called it and those folks wanted
14.95 to even take his call. So he hanged up mad. Then
he come 'n tell me he gonna call 'em back and give 'em
a fake credit card no. and when they go to try to get
their ill-gotten pay they be screwed. My PO may soon
have a PO of his own. Think So? GO KAPTAIN!

Hadn't dun it yet, now he on the phone 1 more time
with sumbody else and he is a-yelling and a-yellin sum
kinda numbers at um. I just be glad he B in the other
room, meybe his nu medicin stuff tomorrow be a good
thing. Pray 4 ur mama. Life ain't never dull at this
here trayler park.

Yo Mama B waitin 4 ur prayers, big time.

Holy Cow - Its Chunky Monkey Monday

What a way to start the week - being waken at 4:00 am with the news that "Mom - I threw up" and then discovering that the vomitus expecterius was ALL over the carpet, the dust ruffle, the bedspread, the sheets (all of them) and the mattress pad and that the substance in question was a bright red as a result of the healthy meal I had served up last pm which included vast quantites of grape tomatoes and strawberries (not to mention the baked potato with lots of cheese on it). As I was straddling the puddles of puke in an attempt to pick out the largest chunks so that I could then use my wet/dry vac on the remaining flood, the highly intellingent and eldest testosterone clad member of my family suggested that I just "let it dry for a couple of days and then just vacuum it up".

Gig 'Em

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Dear Bumpus,
You may wonder...

...what I do when you go away for work-related trips. Do I look at dirty pictures on the internet? Am I using the electric shaving cream warmer to do things that would get me kicked out of the Order of Bah'ai? Do I write Yanni songs? And what exactly AM I doing with the royalties?

Well, I thought that, on this three-day trip to the armpit of the state, you might like to get a secret glimpse of what's going on.

It's 11:05 PM, and I am just finished cleaning out the lint collector on the dryer because it was FULL of lovely clean bits of kleenex and paper towel and it was stopping the dryer from funct-shunin properly.

I am wearing your old bathrobe and yard work boots (yee ha they reek! I think there's some processed devil dog in the treads).

I have SET LOOSE THE ROOMBA. The fat pussy is chasing it around the house while the skinny pussy watches from on top of the couch.

I am wearing bows in my hair as a tribute to Wa-Wa...aka, Fatty Jr...she knows who she is because she just got O-L-D-E-R, like me, and she has helped me put bows in my hair since I was a young, impressionable 18 year old. (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BUDDY! WE HAD ASPARAGUS!) You can't take offense Cat Crap, because YOU DON'T HAVE AS MUCH GREY HAIR AS I DO.

I have on my headphones so as not to wake the neighbors, and I am playing air guitar to Van Halen. My head-banging, however, is limited because I learned once, the hard way, what unbridled bodily expression to the Bee-Gees can do to your neck muscles. And that was when I was 20...I'm sure I could land myself in the hospital now.

I am wondering who I am going to blame the smell on, since the dog is asleep, the buttbox is clean, and the boys have long since figured out that barking spiders do not actually live in our house.

Of course, I am checking online every 10 minutes to see if anything has happened to those BB6 freaks, and I am sure that my constant refreshing of the message board is somehow annoying those even freakier people who can actually pay to watch and then take time to record what is happening on the live feeds.

I am a mid-night multi-tasker, doing dishes, cleaning bathrooms, and folding laundry. I am a domestic goddess risen from the snotty ashes of a summer head cold. And all that on only a double-dose of that stuffedhead-hairybacked-splaytoed-take-uh-big-swaller-so-you-can-breathe-medicine.

Notice how the camera flash provided a lovely spot light for the second chorus?

Recorded for pos-tear-tee's sake.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

It's Thanksgiving in August!

Since my karma is always swirling around me on an ass-finding mission, wearing gigantic vampire teeth, I figured I better follow up my last two vent-ee-lay-shun posts with something a little kinder and gentler...a list of things I'm thankful for.

Now, I know that it's only August, but Opry done taught me to be gracious and appreciate what I have, even if I cannot afford to buy $600 sheets, $900 shoes, and $300 pajamas.

So to balance my karma just a bit, I'd like to say that I am thankful for...

  1. Plastic tuh-keel-ya bottles.

    Cause sometimes things get a little rowdy.

  2. Extra-large sized spatulas.

    Cause the weenie-ass size don't have the same range of applicay-shun.

  3. Dominoes.

    The game, not the pizza, cause whipping someone's butt at 42 keeps your mind off how many adult beverages you've been consuming.

  4. Sinus medicine.

    Cause it stops the drip and helps you wake up bright and refreshed on Sunday morning.

  5. Bumpus.

    Cause he's a good man.

I'm also thankful for Cat Crap and Yo Mama, for making me laugh so much and for inspiring me to loosen up a little bit and let go of those Camelite morals that I have kept me so quiet, shy, and living in a dark, dark closet, unable to have fun for all these long long years.

GET a GRIP PEOPLE!

With a new school year comes a struggle that we face every August: dumbass hicks who cannot follow instructions.

While only about 85 people live in our town, at 3 PM, when the elermentally school is getting out, from out of somewhere literally 150 cars line up to pick up their precious little snot-nosed, disease-ridden, skid-mark infested, holy terrors straight out of hell angels from la escooooooooooo-ela.

And every year at "Meet the Person Who Will Make You Do Science Projects at 11:45 PM Each Sunday Night Until You've Been Punished into Slack Jawed Submission" Open House Night, we get a fresh set of loverly typed out instructions on how to line up for pick up, including direct--though usually not followed up on--threats that the PO-LICE WILL COME AFTER YOUR HAIRY HICK ASS IF YOU DON'T FOLLER THEM THAR DIE-RECT-SHUNS!

And every year we start off with at least 50% of the iggits lining up on the wrong streets, cutting in line, blocking intersections, chewing ta-backer and spittin' it inna sty-roe-form cup (that's be cardboard to yer PO, Mama), and generally getting all uppity because "BY GOD MY PEOPLE ARE FROM THIS TOWN WAY BACK AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF I'M COCK-EYED AND BUCK-TOOTHED CAUSE WE DON'T NEVER 'SOCIATE WITH OTHER PEOPLE AT ANY OTHER PLACE THAN THE YEARLY TOWN FISH FRY AND DON'T YOU OUTTATOWNERS COME IN HERE AND TRY TO TELL ME HOW TO PARK MY DOOLEY WHILE I'M aWAITIN' FER MAH BOY!"

So one of my friends...yeah, I gotta couple... suggested that I start selling signs that we could wave at the iggits who can't foller inst-rukt-shuns. Rufus and I want to give this one a try. We wrote "Go Lions" on it as a friendly gesture in support of the football team, because we in Tex-us know how important that is.

We'll let you know how this works, in case you want to use a similar hick-herdin' tactic in your town.

The Topless Cheerleader


Rah, Rah Ree, Kick Em' in the Knee

Life Around Here is One Big Party


Anybody for a Luau?

Check out this Website!!

This website is hysterical - I plan on submitting some pics of my own very soon!

http://www.stuffonmycat.com/

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Shop Early for Christmas

And just in case you already got my tamale machine bought and need another idea for a little sumthin' for my Christmas stocking, you are more than welcome to the following suggestion:

http://www.tapmachineinc.com/main.html

I Got Issues and I Need to Vent

Another sore spot in my home is the amount of our gasoline bill. Between my poor mileage Ford Kid Wagon and Mike's Macho Red Machine that eats a gallon of gas a block, our gasoline bill is out of control. And just think, in 2 and 1/2 years we will have another gas guzzling member of our household (if I let her live that long). Why can't the same genius who invented mammogram machines invent a car that runs on FARTS??? Is this really too much to ask???? We can harness the energy from the sun, we can harness the energy from the wind, why the heck can't we harness the energy from our backsides and put that all that hot air to work? I think that tomorrow I will put in a call to Hillary and in a couple of years when she dons her royal robes and become our first She-Bitch President, maybe she can work on this issue. Her people like all that new age energy bullshit - let's give them a chance to put their actions where their fat and obnoxious mouths are. And on the subject of those sad sack politicans who think they are capable of running our morally bankrupt society - I think that next summer we need to have a new edition of Big Brother. They could call it "Who's the Dumbest Politician". Let's lock a whole slew of them together in a house for 3 months and see how many of them can handle the mental strain. I GUARAN-TEE you the ratings would go through the roof. And instead of making them eat a peanut butter and jelly diet, I think they should eat nothing but brown rice and black beans. Maybe that would inspire them to solve my other dilema and invent a car that runs on human gas.

Bhai, Bhai, that's all I have to say about that.

My Cholesterol is Getting Lower but the Air Quality is Getting Worse

My goal for this week was to try to work on my cholesterol. I purchased special orange juice, special butter, ate a lot of fiber, took my vitamins, didn't eat any bloody burgers and what is my reward?????? GAS....LOTS OF GAS!!! My question is this....what good is it going to be if I live a few years longer because my cholesterol is lower if NO ONE WANTS TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH ME???????? I cannot wait to pose that question to Dr. Livesay when I make my annual pilgramage to the guru of gynocologists in the next couple of months. I will make a point to eat nothing but brown rice and black beans for the week before I bless him with my presence and I promise you that he will never complain about my cholesterol again.

That's my problem and I'm stickin to it....

Friday, August 19, 2005

Who Will Be The Winner?


What is wrong with this picture?!
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Who can figger it out 1st! This B goin on 2 long and Yo Mama is AT THE END OF HER ROPE! Jes what is wrong here, kan U imagine this b-n the sittiation? Les see who kan kum up with the rite idea ... meybe a solution 2.

Yo Mama Wants To Know

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Re: Item #5 on August 15

Jes thot U gurls wood B happie to no that we had supper
next to my Dr. on Tuesday in the p.m. and I tole him
bout sumbodies plan to have 2 surgery things, sorta a 2-fer,
'n then a-hiring a nurse to take care of those 2 old folks in
the bed and the Dr. he sed: NO, NO WAY, ABSOLUTELY
NOT, TIME OUT. Amen. Furthermore he kared to
share the information that the 1 who is NOT having any-
thing done the #1 in January will be working his tail off
a-taking care of the one who IS being fixed. Good times
ahead!

Thank you Fatty and Clorox


Thank you Fatty and Clorox
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Yo po Mama jes waddnt cuttin th cake when it B time to clean the xtra pot in our home until today, outta the blue sky, I remembert my Fatty atellin me bout Clorox wipes. Tween them wipes and my Clorox soft scrub with bleach I don cleant not only my bano but also the other potty room in the house. It even got the spots that exploded up to the unner side of the seat in thet other potty room. Mitely nise to have this all done sense sumbody is acoming 2 day to visit and then 2 sumbodies cuming tomorrow to camp out in our water trayler.

Nex time you gotta black ink cartridge that implodes and xploes in ur printer, jes grab them Clorox wipes. By the time that unsitley mess, a BIG one, was cleant up Yo Mama had used a 1/2 box them wipes. Then Yo Mama got in the shower bath place and guess what. Bet U wood never guess. When I got my hair wet all kinda black ink washet outta it. Frum the printer, NOT from or to Carmex. Thot meybe I wood have black hare 'gain but not so.

Yo Mama B wantin to no ur household trick of the week. Meybe them ladies on How Clean B UR House will wanna talk to me too. Suppose? Meybe Clorox Company wood like a TV testemonial too.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Good News for TODAY:
Fame, Fortune, and Free Upper Lip Waxing are OURS

Move over Dicky Clark! The dysFUNctional family is taking over the charts. Just go to yahoo.com and enter any of these search term combos:

yo mama PO
wisdom of rufus
hairy cat crap
campin rap
fatty black mama

WE WILL BE ON THE FIRST PAGE, SOMETIMES EVEN AT THE TOP OF THE LIST OUR OF BAZILLIONS OF RESULTS!

I will be sitting by the front door, waiting on that old drunken Ed Mac-Man, and hoping that I get a free trip to extreme makeover because my upper lip is in big old need of a waxin!

Items #1 - #7, Sympathy in Order

Item # 1

We have a SkyMate system on the boat. We paid through October for use of this system. It worked in May 2-3 times, it worked - I think - once in June. It worked once in late July. I tried repeatedly during The Trip to use SkyMate, with the Kaptain hanging over my shoulder wanting to know why I couldn't make it work. I asked him repeatedly if there wasn't something he had to switch on at the electronic board and he said NO. After we got home I sent the SkyMate people an irate email about our bum system. After I got the boat unloaded and went to the dr. re: knees. shoulders, elbows, foot and hips, then I worked on getting my New Lovely Gift Of A Used Cell Phone Working, then I took my computer to the boat, turned on the a/c, called the SkyMate people and spent the better part of 1/2 a day trying to figure out what was the matter. The Matter was a User Error - the Power Was Not Turned On To The System. So, now remember this, the Kaptain has the system removed from the boat, puts it in a box in the house with the rest of the mountain of stuff to move, and plans to install SkyMate in his "new" boat that will be here probably Tues or Wed, just in time to make up the bed for weekend company to stay on the boat with their dog. (Just in case you got the college intellect to wonder why the system worked several times, it is because when the Kaptain gets to working in the electrical board he sometimes makes a few errors and does thinks like turn off the hot water and turn off the ice maker or refrigerator and freezer, or the water pump. You can just add to that list that he sometimes turns other things on and off by mistake. So apparently he turned on the SkyMate system in error a couple of times and then the next day turned it off again. That makes a lotta sense, doesn't it?)

Item #2

Kaptain gets a laptop for his birthday from the folks at the office. HALLELUJAH. I brought it home and got it going but was not able to get the internet installed due to a technical question that I could not answer. Kaptain didn't need that laptop Sat/Sun anyway, he was too busy running around messing with boats (4 of them). But the laptop Does have a solitare game on it -
guess what - the Kaptain doesn't like that version. So I find the version on my laptop and am assured that I can download it when we can get him an internet connection. He does not like the laptop because his deadbeat, crazy, manipulating, python daughter-in-law was sent to buy it because her husband thinks she is Mrs. Knowledgeable Computer Person Of The World. She called me once on my cell (never uses my house phone, I didn't hear the cell ring), she called the office 6 times, was 2 hours late arriving with the computer, missed the birthday party. She brought the Kaptain a birthday card, forgot to give it to him, then mailed it (small card) to the tune of $.60 with a note that said "ha, ha I forgot to give it to you so am mailing it" on his office postal machine at almost twice the cost of a stamp.

Item #3

Kaptain decides to drive me to Best Buy to purchase a router to make wireless connections for both of our laptops at home. He wants to be able to play solitare on his sorry-ass computer whenever and wherever he wants. So ... I found him a salesman who assured him how easy it was to connect the wirless. Just one cord, he said, just plug one end into the BellSouth modem and the other end into the router and you have wireless. What a deal. We got it on sale. We saved $20. BUT, we have to mail in rebate. Got home. I HAD to fill out the rebate stuff right away. I cut out the proof of purchase and got that all done. Step #2, open box, find cord and do 2 plug-ins as told. NO, no, no, I said ... there is a CD here that clearly says to play this FIRST before doing ANYTHING, there was no instruction booklet or paper. NO, he says, We Do NOT Have To Do That. All we have to do is the 2 plug-ins, DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT THE MAN AT THE STORE TOLD US, DO THE 2 PLUG INS AND IT IS SIMPLE !!!!!! Guess what, 2 plug-ins later we had no wireless. I had to spend 2 1/2 hours with an English-2nd-language very patient lady in INDIA to get all the installation done. In the meantime the Kaptain had gone to the gym to ride the bike for 15 minutes as instructed by the dr. So ... he came home and wanted to know if I had wireless. I was still on the phone. He sat and waited till I got off. YES, I said, 2 1/2 hours of wireless installation. GREAT! he said, I want to play solitare on your computer with the wireless. So I sat him down to do that and went to the other end of the house. In a few minutes he hollers, Come Here ! What I said. He said, now I want to use SkyMate. USE SKYMATE, I said, WHAT DO YOU MEAN USE SKYMATE????? He yelled a little louder, can't you hear me I WANT TO USE SKYMATE NOW. I don't know what he thought, so I slammed the key down to go back to the desk top, pushed the SkyMate icon and guess what ??? We did not have a SkyMate connection.

Item #4

I think I will send the Kaptain to computer school at Reeser Enterprises. He can sleep on the trundle bed, use the potty right there, work on that nice setup at Reeser Enterprises and learn more in a few weeks that I could teach him in a year. Please to feed him some Duck Sausage every day til its gone.

Item #5

Kaptain has his nose out of joint because I'm having my left foot fixed lst week in January. He wants to get something fixed too. So he is off to the (same) doctor this a.m. to get him to operate on his hip again. I've already said, I GET JANUARY, TWO WEEKS IN BED, 3 WEEKS IN A WALKER - YOU HAVE TO FIGURE OUT SOME TIME THAT WON'T MEAN I HAVE TO WAIT ON YOU DURING MY RECOVERY. He says, NO PROBLEM, we'll have it done at the same time and just help each other. LORD, DELIVER ME, HURRY.

Item #6

Did school start in Frankin or Sweetwater today? Or are you still sitting on your bottoms and taking pictures for more Blogs to relieve the stress?

Item #7

I need some cheer, got any???? Yo Mama is standing by with her wireless on and running.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Dinner Suggestion......

I think you should whip up the following, put on a negligee and announce to Bumpus that he is getting Duck sausage for dinner. Then throw this mess at him and watch him smack his little lips. Be sure to let me know what section of the HEB the duck fat is in.


Duck Sausage

2 tablespoons ground duck meat
1 cup diced duck meat
2 tablespoons ground duck fat, plus more for cooking sausage
1/4 cup flour (add enough hot water to make a small pastry dough, about 2 tablespoons)
2 tablespoons port wine
1 teaspoon fennel seeds
Salt and pepper
Sugar
1 egg white
1 pound foie gras
Duck skin
8 pounds duck fat
Butchers string

Add all ingredients except for the foie gras into a large bowl. Mix well. Roll out and add the foie gras to the center. Roll into a sausage. Cover using the duck skin for casing. Tie with butcher?s string to secure. Confit the duck sausage by cooking in duck fat in a very slow heat until cooked (about 25 minutes). Take out and roast in a roasting pan, in a preheated 350 degree oven, until golden brown and crispy.

Wine Suggestion: River Bend, Russian River Valley, Pinot Noir, 1996

I'm Defending My Stupidity

Sumtimes in life things jes be said that don't make no sense 'n iffin 1 does not rise to defend their n-ability to comprehend it shud follow that 1 is aggreein with or ac-septing what be said. Now, I no I aint got no P-H-D from Princeton, 'n I don't even live in Ft. Worth and never did, 'n I didn't go to Rice University BY CHOICE 'cause them jes weren't my kinda people, but I do no a thing or 2 bout life and what B important. I been around the trak oncet or twice. Lik I no that Jen cursed Brad out this week, and further more Jess' butt done went flat. 'N I no I don't drive a top-of-the-line-showcase-car like a VW Touring car. 'N I don't no iffin during the day and nite 24/7 my car shines headlites whether I need 'em or not. I jes don't no and sumthin else, I jes don't care, it not be M-portant 2 me. So when the bait got throwed out I jes was dumfounded. It went sumthin like this:

My brite lights don't work.
I don't no why my brite lites don't work.
? Do U have ur headlites on?
I got my lites on that burn whenever the car motor is a-goin, nite or day.
?Are U tellin me ur a-trying to switch to brites when U don't have ur headlites on?
Yes, that is what I said 2 times.

How do 1 answer sumthin like that? Aint got his lites on, here we go down the hiways and byways of a big city and he be running on them little cheap automatic lites and be thinkin he outta be able to just flash them brite boogers. Think I best get me 1 o'them portable searchlites
that plug n-2 the cigarette liter and when we go n-e-where after dark I jes turn that thing on and act like I'm a deer-hunting.

Yo Mama wants 2 no if U think the judge would unnerstand I wadn't relly deer huntin in the city limits out of season.

OCD Issue No. 1


If I've told him once, I've told him a million times......

What is wrong with this picture??? The garbage disposal is on the LEFT hand side of the sink. Add to that the fact that the plate with small particles of food on it is on the RIGHT hand sink and what do you come up with???? OBVIOUSLY, the grievious error results in SOMEONE (you can guess who) having to either (1) carefully balance a plate full of water and small food particles and hopefull dump it in the CORRECT side of the sink or (2) pull small food particles out of the strainer basket that is located on the WRONG side of the sink. Does it not make sense to put dirty plate on the side of the sink that contains the garbage disposal???? I have nicely made this request many times and apparantely no one listens to the maid of the household.

This is my OCD issue No. 1 and I'm stickin to it.....

I am a Wealth of Information 2-Day


Another brilliant idea 4 U to use
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

I wuz given this lil handy item yestidday when we went to the city up north where lives a realtive I got by gittin marriet. Now this person has gotta mind that whirls 24/7 jes lookin 4 ways to use stuff that other folks don't want. Her homestead is a place of innovative thinkin iffin I ever saw 1. So one thing she duz is goes 2 the dump on a reglar schedule and looks 4 these refrigerator drawers in the dump section where appliances live. She uses them 4 a million things. She was generus nuf to share one with me and even went so far as to line it with sum a that nise shelf lining rubber. Now, what I'm a thinkin is that both my girls B livin in towns small nuf to B able to git N-2 ur local dump without a-paying. 'n there B jes no end to what U mite find. U mite even B able to git ur Christmas shoppin all dun reel early. Lemme no what U find unless it B a surprise 4 yo mama R the Kaptain. We have jes found a whole nu way to n-ter-tain our selves 'n vistin relatives.

Whadda ya think, Yo Mama wants 2 no.

P.S. U kaint have this 1, The Kaptain snapped that baby up like it wuz mana from heaven. Don't no what he wanna do with it but he shore did think it fine.

We got sum excitin news 4 you


A new baby in our home
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Born this day, not pooped out but raised from above, Linty is here 2 say hi and hello to ya'll. She be kumposed of little bits of everthing, like I B meaning unnerwear, sox, dishtowels, pillow covers and jes lotsa nice things that was lst bleached with clorox (generic) and gentlie massaged with Arm & Hammer liquid, scent free. She got black eyes and a big smile. Now aint she a nice wun, believe she be a keeper. Iffin you got some more persunal kinda questions, jes lemme no.

Good news from Yo Mama

Report from the Field:
Why Bumpus Got Slapped

In the car this morning with hellions-in-training on the way to work on a Saturday morning:

B: "Every tried any duck sausage?"

F: "No. Is it good?"

B: "Well, why don't you duck down here and try it out for yourself?"

UPDATE NEWS ALERT !!!!!

jes want my gurls and Hairy to no that The Kaptain, boss of the whole world, has jes left to go 'n buy nother boat trailer. Only $500, meybe he kin git it 4 less. Then we kin have nother water trayler in our driveway with the other 2 and the 2 boats (both useless like Bumpus). Kaint talk now, gotta go while the goin is good. In everday talk thet means The Kaptain's car is gone frum behind mine and I kin GET OUT. Lots errands to run, money to spend.

Thet is what Yo Mama is a-doin 2 day.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Hairy's Safety Tip of the Day


A Smart Hairball is a Safe Hairball

Attention all Hairballs. If you will look closely at this human cooling unit you will see the remains of my dear Aunt Martha. One day she was floating around the bathroom floor and decided to stick her nose somewhere that she didn't belong. Before she knew it she was sucked into this dangerous machine and all that is left of her is what you see scattered over the surface of those little prongy things. Let this be a lesson to you all.....beware of all electronic contraptions that you may encounter in your human's homes......we don't want to meet the same fate as poor Aunt Martha.

Just in Case You Were Wondering......


This Fat Ass Piece of Feline Fur is MY MAMA!!!


Now I now that there are those of you out there in cyberspace that are wondering what could have produce such a fine specimen of hairball such as myself. Accordingly, I thought that I would introduce you to the fine woman that birthed me from her very own backside. Say hello to Minnie, friend of a select few and mortal enemy to many, including unknown small children, other cats and dogs, and especially the postman and the Orkin man.....

A New Friend for the DysFUNctional Family!!


Introducing.......HAIRY THE HAIRBALL!!!


First there was Gumby, then there was Flat Stanley......Now we have a new friend to worship and idolize.....HAIRY THE HAIRBALL!!!

Below is Hairy's theme song - it is sung to the Gumby and Pokey tune. If you don't know what the Gumby and Pokey tune is then you are too young to be reading this Blog....

Hairy's Song

I once lived on the back of a kitty's ass -
But I was brushed off and came to life at last.
I can live under any chair,
Or in closet or corners, too.
If you've got a cat
Then Hairy could live with you.....HAIRY!!

Stay tuned for the day to day adventures and tribulations of Hairy. It's not easy being a hairball!!

SAFETY ALERT !!!!!!!!


Look 4 this dangerus item n ur home
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Bet U did not no thet this little hook on ur door will ruint ur home and de-crease the value of said homestead. It is not 2 B used as it will, even with just 1-2 items a-hanagin on it, tear the hinges out the door frame 'n U will no longer B able to close the door. Bet U didn't no this valuable info, I didn't til 2-day when I was
a-ironing the Kaptains clean shorts.

Yo Mama want U 2 let me know iffin U find N-E of these dangerus things N ur house, kaint give U N-E advise as 2 how 2 get rid of 'em. Wouldn't wanna give this dangerus thing to ur worst
N-E-me.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Calling all Cat Lovers.....

Here's one of Minnie's favorite blogs:

http://psychokitty.blogspot.com/

Face Like an Angel, Mouth Like a Sailor...
Just Like We Like 'Em!

http://pissybritches.blogspot.com/

Found us another cousin, Potty Mouth Prissy Britches. Hey Prissy! Welcome to the family! :)

Big Hugs from Fartknockin' Fattybritches

If its cheap, buy it


Introducin Water Trailer # 97
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

My PO is a man of vision. He B tole about this val-u-able item that be a-sittin on the island called St. Thomas. It hadn't been looked at in 2 yrs. and was mitely dirty and deflated and 4 only 500 big ones he cud have it.
Voila! He finded a native to have a crate built and this trailer put N it and then the whole mess wrapped up N sumthing like saran wrap and nex thing U no it is a-sitting in our driveway on a rented trailer with a flat tire.
'member - all this wuz site unseen ! Wunder how cheap 2 ship it to 2 the U S of A.
It gonna be mitely valuable, he sez, when he git thru with it. Am sur the nabors love it. Two water trailers in the bak yard and 2 n the front. This be sitting N our new fancy Tall carport which is a big problem, now oncet again I kaint git my car out less I tell The Kaptain 2 git his butt up and move his VW. Sech is life. N E body wanna buy a fine boat? Shall I slip an ad on Ebay. Whatever shall I do to avoid the city offisers cuming over here and leaving demands for $$$ and-a hauling it sumwhere else?

Yo Mama is a-waiting 4 advise from her 2 nowledgeable girls who ware wedding dresses 2 little 4 'em.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

We Are Not the Only Crazy People in the World....

http://whyihatemyhusband.blogspot.com/

Everthing ain't what it mite seem


I Gotta Cause Too !!!
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Jes cause U 2 useless girls got weddin dresses a-lying round waiting 2 B used agin, 'n jes cause Yo Mama grashushly donated her virginal dress 2 the Round Rock actors 'n actresses, don't mean she kaint get 2-gether a little sumthin to share with those she luves.
First U mite notice them Gucci shoes thet went out with high-button-turn-of-the-century. I did not ask to borrow, I jes did it. To complement them I finded some fine white socks that go with special white-man-about-town-big-time-officer-to-strut-arount-in uni-forms. Didn't ask bout that either. I needed sumthin borrowed 'n new 2 so I got out my new Hanes V neck shirt, size L, bought to take to Texas when I go cause thats what natives wear down ther. The cell-fon is the one I jes wuz given by sum-1 who loves me very much 'n wanted me 2 have the finest.
Yes, that be a dead chicken I B holdin, it B evening meal, sumtimes called supper, sumtimes called dinner, depending who you B talkin 2. One dead chicken, legs and head and all will feed 2 pigs 'n 1 dog.

'n that beu-ti-ful hare got nuthin 2 do with my carmex jar.

'n yes I do see the flab on my upper leg, that B whut U have 2 look forward 2 in the years to cum.

'n yes I did take that picture myself, did not trust N E body to do it rite but me or Lucy and she didn't wanna try cause I B outta dog cookies. Nex
time I wanna call our new found cuzen in Brazil, Mosta, 'n let him do my current-in-progress portfolio.

Keep in tuch with Yo Mama so she will no U ain't ben carted off to a happy farm.

U got N E more ???? or complants U no where to find Yo Mama. Rite here a-using that Arm & Hammer jug.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005


Maybe This is the Carmex Culprit?????

We Got a Smart, High-Class Fan!

http://sarauweb.blogspot.com/


This is a real live Brazilian gentleman who has all sorts of cool pictures on his blog, and he linked to our site. How cool is that!?!

We are going to re-unite America with the rest of the world and pull together this European Union thing, through the shear love and warm fuzzies generated by the dysFUNctional family blog. Viva Brazilia! Long live the King!

Thank you, kind Brazilian sir!

From yer East Texas cousins.

MY ASS IS AS BIG AS A WATERMELON!!!!


Watch Out - Mama is MAD!!!!!


Not only does my dress not fit me either, but I had to put it on over my head because my BIG ASS wouldn't let me put it on from the bottom up. Not only that, but when I tried to take the friggin thing off, I almost had to use my scissors and cut it off.......I guess the fact that I had such LARGE babies accounts for the fact that there was about a 6 inch gap across my back after I managed to squeeze into the satin torture chamber.

The solution can be found in my right hand. I plan on having a couple of cocktails and chopping the fat off my butt with my everyready Chinese meat cleaver. Stay tuned for the hospital report.....

The good news is that Minnie really enjoyed riding around the house on the beer stained train......

I wish I had a picture of my daughter's face as I entered her room in the above costume clutching a meat cleaver. I think that she thought I had finally gone over the edge (and perhaps I have).....

Where we outta be right now


And it really looked like this .....
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

What we a-doin a-sitting some place that ain't this photo op place? It really was jes like this for miles and miles. This is Patty and Howard a-sitting in their dinghy, I didn't have Boudreaux Boy there with a camera to snap a shot of me and the PO but it wooda looket the same. Let's go, what we awaiting 4 anyway? Be kerful who U n-vite to go too with us.

Jes some thoughts from Yo Mama

Lucy IS A BROWN DOG


Lucy IS A BROWN DOG
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Iffin there B eny con-fusion as to the color of said dog here is the livin and breathin PTL truth, she be a BROWN dog, choc brown, choc as in Aunt Choc or Peppermint Patties. She ain't got no black curly hair and 'sides, she don't B knowing how to open the Carmex.

I am also here to tes-ti-fy that the PO has not been a-sneakin into the Carmex jar, he thinks the stuff is
stinky. Thank goodness, woodn't want nobody but me and Lucy using it.

Standing by for more i-dears,
Respectifully submitted, Yo Mama

Monday, August 08, 2005

Watch Where You Step

Dear Mama,

When we were hanging out with the river rats, I saw this doggie doggie's lovely beach wear and thought that you and Lucy would appreciate the fashion insight. Looks like lots of ribbons and some sort of star grommet things.

Perhaps the black hair in the Carmex came from Lucy????

Fatty

the proof is in the pudding


the proof is in the pudding
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

There be already some doubtin-Thomases out there who do not believe what I see in my Carmex so here is the PROOF.
Now, U tell me - no bodies at this house have black curly hair n-e-where so who been passin around my private supply of beauty stuff and To Whom?
I want some ansers and some new Carmex devoid of black curly private hairs.

This is Yo Mama a-talking tough

Leave Me and My Phone Alone !!!

What the hell. I ben havin N usin my cell tele-fon jes
fine. My PO saw his sonny-boy with a new phone niser than
the PO's fon. So what the hell did he do? What eny red
blooded PO would do, Big Man of authority, keeper of the
funds, hot shot man 'bout town. What did he do? He went
missing and ended up at the Cingular spot and got his-self
a new fon, jes like baby-boy has. Then - to jus-t-fy his
reckless spendin (cause baby boy is Rich and Daddy is not,
he is poor cause he puts all his money N-2 baby-boy's water
trailer business) the PO gives me, YO MAMA, that ole fon
of hissin, he tells them fon store folks to delete my Good
Fon that works in Sweetwater and n-stead connect my number
up to his old discarded piece of junk. So now I can't call
or talk to N-E body from Sweetwater cause I got this piece
of junk and I'm pissed! To top it all off, he didn't have
no book 2 tell me how this piece of junk works and the fon
company ain't got one 4-me either. So then he found the
N-struct-shun book and I started readin it and when I got
to page 3 it tole me how 2 dial and I did and the happy
cheerful voise tole me my fon ain't workin and to call 611
and N-stead I went cross the city N the summer heat and
spended 1 and 1/2 hours with a neanderthal gittin my fon
where it will call out. And vibrate. And ring LOUD and I
damn sure got all the old #s taken out and it B all blank
now like a brand new old phone.

So what do you think 'bout that? Yo Mama wants to no.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

On to Something New:
Fatty Ponders

In our quaint armpit of the world, we have had a sudden outbreak of male flashers. Not here in the little village where I pay my lawn and mow my taxes, but in the big ol so-fist-er-kated and thriving met-rop-ee-lis just down the road.

Maybe it's because of the late July heat. Maybe it's because they done finished that sixth Harry Potter book already and just don't know how they're gonna wait two years for the final installment. Maybe it's because they're frustrated over the news that Brad was emotionally unfaithful to Jen. I have no clue why, but men down here have decided to just go ahead and drop their pants.

Both of these things happened last week:

1. A man was arrested for going on a peety-peeking spree and exposing himself to something like a dozen women and one Krispy Kreme donut store clerk.

2. Another guy was arrested for first, trying to run down another guy that he knew with his vehicle...second, then jumping out of the car and exposing himself...and third, then trying to beat the other guy up.

Now, I'd like to especially ponder over the second guy. What the hell was he thinking? "Hey, I better not run him over cause then that'd be murder but you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gone jump out of this truck and show ol Freddie my business and then I'm gonna whoop his ass!" Now, who thinks like that? Is is really so smart to get in a fist fight with your johnson in the wind? Wouldn't that be just like a big ol tag hanging out with an announcement saying "Yank me real hard and you'll win the fight!" And why would he want to show the other guy his tiny totum anyway? Apparently they were aquaintances from way back and had been arguing. Wouldn't the other guy have been likely to already have seen his willie in the restroom or in the shower at the gym? WHAT WAS THE POINT? "Look at me! I've got a monster in my pants and now I'm gonna go postal on ya!" I just don't get it. If I were going to get in a cat fight with a fat woman in a tight t-shirt that said "Hottie" on the front in glitter writing, I would NOT first yell "take a look at these chi-chi's baby!" nor would I expect that flashing my slightly off-center Brazillian landing strip would in any way intimidate my opponent...

Now back to the topic of flashing in general. Why is it that men are always the flashers? Does it go back to Freud? Do men think that women really just want to get a good look at what having one of them hoses is all about? What goes through their heads as they prepare to flash and run? "I think I'll show 'em how it hangs and then they'll scream like granny on a roller coaster!"? Do they then go home and fantasize about all the mayhem that they and their little mini-me's just caused?

Of course, I know why there are never any women put in jail for flashing. Because when a woman flashes someone, no one calls the cops...instead, she gets beads thrown at her or a free drink from the bar or a ride to the 7-11.

I'm sure there's some interesting and complex psych-uh-lodge-cal explanation for men who go around throwing out quick shots of their vienners, but couldn't they just get a hobby instead?

Fatty’s Got a Gripe:
I Hate Authoritarian Know-It-All’s


And No, My Wedding Dress Does Not Zip Anymore, Thanks to the Two Children Who Expanded My Rib Cage by THREE INCHES
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Now, let’s now forget that I have given up ‘crappin’ in favor of this, my digital diary, so once again, for pos-tear-tea’s sake, I’ve just got to speak my mind. With a necessary layer of generalization intended to protect the guilty, I’ve got to say that I hate people who lead with the “I know better than you” attitude.

This could apply to the oft-maligned and always deserving GT hags of the world, to the smart ass DPS ossifer who stopped me for going 72 in a 70 zone, to the "I'm a RedNeck County native and you're not" backwoods goofballs, and to other generally thoughtless humans who think they can make decisions without even consulting the poor idiots in their midst. The attitude I’m talking about is one where the Authority thinks that he or she is the “inspired one,” the only one capable of thinking of “big ideas” and that those “worker bees” around him/her are too dumb, too young, too inexperienced, too knock-kneed, or too bucktoothed to possibly have an interest in being a cooperative part of the decision making, even if that decision is going to smack dab damn skippy affect-in-a-big-way that poor buck toothed, cock eyed underling who somehow got in the way. And what recourse does the underling have but to SUCK IT UP and TAKE IT, because the Authority made the decision and who are you to even think you might like to join the conversation anyway? So much for flippin’ modern open communication techniques.

I write this not just confuse the hell out of everyone else but also just for the record, because I’ll look back on this one day, when I’m 85 and still working because social security went bankrupt and I’ll still need money to feed my Sudafed and stool softener habit, and so I’ll be the head grocery bagger at the Kroger, and I’ll have to manage the other grocery baggers and I will need to remember that when I think all the baggers should start doing this, that, or the other, I should probably remember back to when I was young and stupid and getting pushed around by the Authority and I will go to those damn baggers and ask ‘em what the hell they think about the matter.

Then maybe they won’t write about ME on their BLOGS.

And who made me this way, anyway? Mama, why didn't you raise me to just shut up and take it? Where did I get this rebellious streak that has no respect for such smart ass holier-than-thou egos? I have a feeling I know (the B-man). Regarless, I feel better for just gettin' that out of my system.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Fatty:
How I Spent My Summer Vacation...


Dork
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.
...With my butt in the water and a beer in my hand, and a big sign on my back that says, "Shut up, I am reading."

Bumpus and Boudreaux:
How We Spent Our Summer Vacation...


Stew-dee-us
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.
...Sticking it to the GT MAN and pretending we don't know Rufus, because we're broke and don't have any more cash for bailing him out of the hoose-cow.

Rufus:
How I Spent My Summer Vacation...


The Bird
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.
...Pickin' up hot chicks, shootin' guns, and flippin' the bird at all those fat ass drunk red necks with man-boobs who were clogging up the river.