Go Chi-O

You Tell Jack That Aunt Choc is Proud of Him!!

When Jack is President of his Fraternity he needs to know that Chi-O's are much more fun that any of those other stuffy sorority girls!!!

Dear Mama...

Sometimes seeing into the future isn't such a lucky thing, but I have seen my future, and here is what I will be like, except I will have 17 cats and I'll be a lot fatter:

The Fruitcake Lady

Make sure to scroll down and watch the segments from Leno.

Did you notice that she lives in Florida?

Love,

Fatty

Perhaps I Need Some Medicine for That?

Aren't You Relieved????
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

I was innocently cleaning out the kitty butt box, while the young child watched a video about the solar system. Designed for three-to-five year olds it showed pictures of the planets and then put up the name of the planet on the screen and a disembodied voice said the word. For this child who entertained me on Friday by counting to 900 in increments of 30, it was a good 10-minute diversion.

Nothing is ever spoken from the mouth of Rufus. His normal level is loud yelling. Maybe this is what I get for living near a train track when he was born? Maybe this is just more evidence that he is the great-grandson of the HCS?

Five minutes of quiet so I could scoop the poop. That is all I had asked for.
Then the announcement came loudly from the living room.

"MAMA!"

"What?"

"GUESS WHAT?"

"What?"

"I SAW URANUS AND IT HAD A BIG RED RING AROUND IT!"

Clowns, Balloons, Butts, and Truckers

A week ago, on the rainy gloomy Saturday before the rainy gloomy Saturday that was yesterday, Rufus and Beaudreax were both invited to birthday parties (for 2 different childrens). So I spent the day hauling and shuttling, and trying to be a good socializer. The party that Rufus attended was first, and I was struck by, no matter how old the parents are (these were probably older than Bumpus and me by 5 years), you can always tell parents who are just learning how to put on small-child birthday parties. I don't say this with pride in my heart--I am no junior Martha for Tots--but you do pick up hints and tips from attending and putting on these 2-hour terror fests, and one can always tell when parents are on the beginning steps of that learning curve.

These kind, sweet parents had rented a 20X20 room at the local event center, which was plain and empty, very generically made for a variety of purposes, including meetings and traveling photographer setups. While all 7 four- and five-year olds were seated quietly in a half-circle in front of the table with the cake, a clown and her helper showed up. Rather than even say hello to the patiently waiting crowd, they just quietly took a seat in the corner and started painting the face of the birthday girl. The rest of us sat quietly and watched.

The Mom In Charge saw that this was a challenging situation (6 4- and 5-year olds sitting and watching in boredom), so she started handing out drinks. The choices: Coke, Dr. Pepper, and Sprite. Well, as you know, Rufus does not need any chemicals or man-made brews full of energy-producing sugar/caffeine combinations to be his normal enteraining self, so, although he loudly proclaimed that he would like a COKE THANK YOU, he received a Sprite, the best choice of the bunch. I opened it, and he began guzzling. (Yes, these drinks and the cookies and cake would gradually turn the room into a hellacious hall of chaos, littered with trash and inhabited by 7 ADHD monkies on crack.)

So next came the clown's helper, who was making his way around the room offering children a twisted balloon prize. The boy right before us got a sword, but as the helper approached Rufus, he had a large octopus in his hands. "Would you like this?" he kindly asked. The room was still quiet as the effects of the drugs had not yet kicked in. "No," answered Rufus, and the man went on to offer it to the next child. "Why didn't you want it?" I asked. And my angelic young gentleman-in-training turned to me so innocently, in that quiet room, on that quiet rainy day, with those well behaved children, and said, "Because what I really wanted was a...[now switch to the sound coming out of the wide-open mouth of a 300-pound truck driver who has just guzzled a Mickey's Malt Liquer and who, in a fruitless attempt to hide the top of his butt-crack back into his undersized jeans, hikes up his pants and burps with such force that it parts the hair of the topless dancer two tables over]...SWOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRDuh."

Yes, like his Southern Belle mother who can string the whole alphabet on one drag of Shiner, Rufus can burp-talk. And the silence of the rest in the room, as I almost fell out of my chair trying to keep a straight face, proved once again that he is going to be president of his fraternity.

Would TSTC culinary like a copy of this?

catsup sandwich with condiments
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

U no, Yo Mama tries HARD to please even mos dis-crim-n-atin tastes but sumhow it jes rarely cums up rite. Now this little offering was fixed as ordered, but GUESS WHAT! 2-much catsup. Wuz granted the golden opportunitie yestiddy to make ammends and did better. Can they fix this up at TSTC? Shore would like to send them some info and di-rections.

Cum see Yo Mama and I'll fix U 1 - 'n with it serve some WHOLE (no slices left over from peanut butter/pickle sandwishes) Mt. Olive Sweet Gerkins.

Final Post of the Day - meybe

Nothing wrong with clean underware
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

If youse relatives shud encounter the lady nown as "G" pls do not reveal that Yo Mama is a-drying unner-ware in the yard. I jes like my unner-ware dry and that machine in the hole-in-the-wall kills elastik and PTL, you gotta no that Yo Mama B needin elastik. Sides that, sunshine smells good and Yo Mama dont like smellin bad. Further more news, I do NOT care if the neibors no I wears underware. They jes have to git a grip, tend their own nittin N take me lik I am.
>
Think this B all 2-day. Gotta git to M-portant things like watchin las nite Idol rendition.

wuz a 2" scratch on right rear fence side

Ever day hold new sus-prizes
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Kaptain went Sunday to His Car Place cause hiz horn sounded gay and hiz head lite needed bulb and sides that, had a 2" scratch where SUMBODY encountered the fence on the way out. Came home with this lil number off the show room floor. Never did, he sed, like the color of that other one, inside or out, and sides that it had a 2" scratch and sides that had 37,000 miles and surely wuz en route to the big machine that flattens vehicles cause wuz not a good un. The point of th whole apple here is that Yo Mama gotta drive this baby to the south dock this affernoon and Woe B Unto N E Body who gets dust, rain or scratches on same.

Pray 4 Yo Mama

Do I look/act like a binocular robber?

WHERE ARE MY BINOCULARS ????
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

Them men ben gone 1 hour and 13 minutes and I gits the first call - this one bout what have I dun with them fancy binoculars (that I bought, paid for, and gived as a present). N E comments more not needed, cause I don think I wood be astealing sumthin like that do you? PTL the speaker in this event is sum miles away and is water-bound.

Yo Mama is jes the ironin woman, sure not cat burglar

HALLELUJAH they has D-parted

Yo Mama has got 6 hours peace & quiet
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

The Day The Boat Goes is a drama that finely gits here after bout 4 days where nothin but trauma and anxiety takes over the house-hold. Kinda days thet U best jes git in UR room and shut the door so U dont gotta lissen 2 all the goins on. like: WHERE IS THAT BLACK CORD YOU WERE HOLDING. When U aint even seen a black cord, much less holdin it. The miracle of miracles the person who STOLE it put it in the kaptains lil ditty bag. The big D-part-ure was set in stone for 9:00 but them 5 elektroniks men wuz on the boat til 10:00 N the anxiety level was HIGH. It B mitey M-portant 2 git a switch on the upstares 2 turn off the tv downstares R sum such other fool-ish-ness. Sure glad them boat drivin men don gone left 4 the south wharf, Yo Mama B needin all day to calm herself down. Whew !!

An NO, the Christmas pants R not on the boat, they is here for SumBody to iron them rinkles out.

Wunder who the ironing person be?

Santa Claus is comin soon

the kaptain went computer shoppin again
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

The Kaptain got his new Lands End Catalog and dun desided he needed sum new fancy wear. Here is what we got now, 1 couch wide and 2 cushions long. The ma-terial is the kind that rinkles rite easy so we R N 4 sum fancy bitchin. Look kinda lik court jester costume rags to me, or meybe sumthin U kud wear to a Christmas costume funcshun. Whadda U think? Meybe the father-to-be or the president-n-office wood like sum for the kamp ground?

Yo Mama is waiting 2 hear frum U so she kan start her Dec. 25 shoppin.

Life is Good with my TABLE MATE

The Table Mate Queen


Hot Damn and Holy Tamales - Here I be just a sittin' pretty with my Table Mate. I just did return from the ole Sweetwater Country Club Whino Dinner where I did be a samplin MANY varieties of dat very fine alkeholic grape conncoction! And I sure did be a needin it after my LONG day with the 1st grade bugger eaters. I was sure a wishin fer my little nefhew Jack Small to be a helpin me to run the bugger eater class because I was a sure that he would have enjoyed the little first grade cutie with tatooes who liked to pole dance!! WHEW...... society has done gone to hell in a hand basket. Well, any way, that there whino dinner sure did a help me to ferget my troubles.... especially some limon after dinner apertife that was served in a shot glass and that made ya feel all warm and cozy inside. When that there waiter come around with the limon bottle fer second helping I was quick on the draw to stick my shot glass in his face. The only down side to the whole thing is that I ordered myself my own bottle of that ther limon majic, and it will be in my possession day after termorrow - just in time fer campin with the cuzins, but my sister done got herself knocked up and she cannot participate in any limon activities with me. Never feer, my good ole brother in law done reminded me that HE is not pregnant, so he is gettin his own shot glass ready for the occasion!

Any way, I best be getting myself ready fer bed since I get to be an 8th grade substertute tomorrow and I can't be arrivin at la escuela with a headache and limon on my breath.

I will keep you folks updated on my new drive me to drinkin career!

Our Going Home Dress

Our Going Home Dress
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Aunt Choc wins the prize for making two grown ups tear up at the same time with this little number. It's hard to see the smocking, stitch work, and little blue flowers on the front, but it is now and forever will be the dress for leaving the hospital and facing the world of a sleep deprived, crazed, un-showered, jiggly, hormonal, milk-shooting mama. God bless you, little one...get some peace now while there is still time.

Tuesday was the half-way point. We are on our way to the ugly moment in time when I realize, "Good GOD I have got the GET THIS THING OUT OF ME SOMEHOW and Bumpus will get arrested if he tries sneaking te-kill-yuh into the hospital!"

Of course, I look nothing cute like a little movie star with a "baby bump." I just look like a fat ass.

And Slippers to Match

And Slippers to Match
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Yes, here is proof of three facts:

1. I am hormonal.

2. It's the first of the month (still a little money to splurge).

3. Hannah will be a ballet dancer like her Mama and Mimi. She'll also be a deeee-lux crapper like her Aunt Choc. Thank you sweet sister for the dress and bonnet.

To Help Chubby Mama Exercise

To Help Chubby Mama Exercise
Originally uploaded by Fatty Will Rule the World!.

Some tee-niny little shoes that a friend gave Hannah. These were her daughter's shoes and only fit for about a month...of course, this friend and her daughter are both petit little things and surely cannot finish a large Mexican plate like Hannah and I can. So I don't think these will ever fit in our family.

Meybe I jes kaint read N-E mor

Yo Mama is getting daffy in the hed
Originally uploaded by Annie Kaint Work No Mo.

The Kaptain-of-the-world dun called few few minites ago and told me QUIK QUIK QUIK 2 go 2 the basket on the blue desk and git the key that sez:

17 FOOT NOUVARANIA

sence The Man was a-comin to git that boat in the drive-way and take it a-way 4 ever and ever. HURRY HURRY cause he meybe out there RITE now. So Yo Mama hobbles 2 the desk and goes thru all that junk and finded a key thet said 16 ft boat. Went outside N sure nuf man and woman a standin there. Did Not Fit Boat. R U surprised I was not. So 2 fone calls later and lotsa hollerin and carryin on, Yo Mama finded this lil number and guess what - it B the rite 1 cause it clearly sez 17 FOOT NOUVARANIA. Don't it?

Yo Mama lives in a world where muffins is biscuits and all sortsa things got names funny and unknown 2 me. Do U suppose Yo Mama is jez reachin the USELESS STAGE. Mite check with them 2 boys in Franklin and see if I B rite.

Yo Mama is tired.